Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Taking Control of My Destiny!

Sifting back to age 14 is not easy . . . still getting back to my story. The school year had just started, I was in band. I'd been assaulted. I could not stand to hear the thump of a basketball. It was my freshman year. If you can imagine I was a little withdrawn around home. My grounding had been reduced a little. I was still not allowed to go visit my mother. I was beginning to believe I'd never see Danny Joe again. We had always agreed if we were meant to be we would be. When he had moved I had set him free. Granted he'd come back for me but since I never saw him since that date I was not convinced he was waiting around for me.

In my heart I had come to believe that if God wanted me to have a baby my stupid plan to keep from having one was just that. Stupid. I had woken up to just how cruel this world was. Again I had NOT processed my attack. Nope. Instead I had processed everything in this way, "I am a virgin, they think I'm not. Why would they think that? Just because I stayed out all night? Stupid. I guess if I don't do things God's way, he'll send someone to rape me."

That would bring us to Christmas break. I cannot for the life of me remember how it came to be but I was going to be allowed to go to my mothers for Christmas. One night. They didn't tell me in advance. I imagine it was so I would have no time for plans. It was weird that they let me because she had to work and was going to be gone at night for her shift. Just like in the old days I waited . . . this time I waited a full thirty minutes. I thought it might be a trap. When she didn't come back, I left. I walked to the old neighborhood down to where Danny Joe had lived with his dad. My heart stopped. The house was gone. GONE! I was dumbfounded. I wasn't ready to go home, I thought I'd find Debbie. See if she knew anything. I walked over to that side of the neighborhood. As I got closer to Debbie's I ran into some kids I remembered and asked if they knew what had happened to Danny Joe's house and if they'd seen him lately. They informed me he lived in a house down the road and around this corner. One of them told me he was at his Dad's for Christmas. Now my heart was really pounding. I knocked on a couple of wrong doors by their description and then I knocked on the right one.

There was a pool table in one room and a dart board on the wall. I'd gotten there in the middle of a game. Danny Joe kept looking at me while he played. I let him know I needed to talk to him and when the game was over he cleared the room. I told him my mom had sent me off for staying out all night and that I'd been grounded for losing my virginity and he laughed. Even I began to giggle with him. I told him I'd been grounded ever since and since I'd been grounded for that I should at least do that. He argued with me. He reminded me of the promise he'd made. I told him I had changed my mind. That made him laugh. I pushed harder . . . I questioned him . . . is it because I'm not pretty enough? He assured me that was not the case. It was his job to deny me. He had made a promise. That's when I told him about me being molested and I cried to him and said, "Danny Joe if I don't do things God's way he'll send someone to rape me. Please help me". That did it. He took me into some part of the room with some kind of bed on it. I can't remember much other than how much it hurt . . .freaking out because blood had gotten on stuff . . .  and how kind he was when it was all over. The last thing he said to me . . . until the next time we saw each other again was at his front door. If I recall one of his 1/2 brothers was standing beside him. Anyway, he looked at me with a grin and said, "You are prettier without all that black around your eyes." I laughed. I'd put on eye liner and mascara on while I was killing time waiting to see if my mom was coming back.

When school started again I shared the fact I'd lost my virginity with Tami. She and I had quickly become great friends. We rode the bus together and she and I had a lot in common it seemed. She confided some things to me about her life and I confided to her about my home life. I still wrote some things in my Diary and I had written about Tami. I had also written about me giving up my virginity.

My grounding had been lifted and I was even allowed to invite a friend over for the night. Of course I picked Tami. Her mom dropped her off at my house. My parents were going out for the night and I can't recall where Tommy and Cady were . . . maybe they went with her. Anyway Tami and I had a blast. We went into the kitchen to make some chocolate chip cookies. In the midst of adding the ingredients I'm not sure which one of us flipped the first bit of flour at who but next thing I knew we were in a flour war! It was quite the scene. We finally got the cookies in the oven, cleaned up our mess and we sat down to watch a true story about the first high school female quarterback. I could be wrong but I think her name might have been Tamara . . . if not . . . oh well not important really.

I'm still to this day not sure what made Chris climb up on my bed and fumble through the books on my shelf and find my diary but she did. I had gotten home from school and there she was waiting for me. She had my diary. I was in trouble. I found it so ironic that nothing was mentioned about how they had been wrong about my crime. . . no . . . just that I was in trouble for it AGAIN! She informed me that this was going to be our secret. She was going to keep my diary for collateral and I was going to baby sit my baby sister every other weekend for Free so that she and my father could have some adult time without breaking the bank for a sitter. As long as I kept my side of the bargain without trouble she would keep this information to herself and not share it with my father. That was acceptable to me. I didn't want anyone to know. My dad already thought the worst of me . . . no need to add to that. I'm not sure why Chris shared the information with my Grandmother but she did. One of my Free weekends I was going to spend the night there. I figured it was a way they could get rid of me and have an eye kept on me. I didn't know until I got there what Chris had done. My grandma drove us to the store and had a conversation with me about boys. She told me Chris had wanted to share my diary with them but they didn't have any desire to read it. . . so she told them what I had done. I wanted to climb into a well and stay there. That night when my grandpa had gone to lay down he'd asked to talk to me. I sat down on the edge of his bed and he grabbed my hand and said, "Wendy, that witch could tell us you murdered someone and we'd still love you. You know that right?" I laughed and said I did. Grandpa Duke. He is no longer in this world but I love him so much for that comment.

I went home and I was so mad at Chris. She had lied. I had to get my diary back. The next weekend it was my turn to watch Cady. It was my turn to ransack her room. I was going to find my diary and take it back! I did not find it that weekend but I was not done looking. That next weekend was a school dance and I was excited because it fell on my weekend. Right before the weekend came Chris informed me I was going to have to babysit Cady. I was like, "I did that last weekend. This weekend is mine. You promised I could have every other weekend." She smirked at me and asked if I'd like my father to read my diary. I told her, "Sure, go ahead." She'd already told my grandparents. I really didn't care anymore. That's when she threw me for a loop. "Okay" she said, "You should know I'll also have to pick up the phone and call Tami's dad." My heart lurched. I'd forgotten about writing about Tami. She had me. No way could I allow her to do that. I caved but my heart was longing to smash this lady. Oh I was so mad. What kind of person would do something like that. I resolved to get dirt on Chris. It was the only way I was going to be able to get my hands back on my diary. I'd had it since I was 10 years old and she was using it as a weapon. That next night I didn't just look for my diary, I was looking at everything. I reasoned if I couldn't find my diary I had to find something to hold over her head and that is how I found it. A letter from a friend of hers. I knew she didn't want the world to see what that had to say. I tucked it away for safe keeping.

The following weekend arrived and I thought it was going to be my weekend since I'd watched Cady two in a row now but in her new found confidence in her threat she had decided I would be no trouble in the baby sitting department. She'd found my weakness . . . my loyalty to my friend. I'll never forget her face when I told her I wasn't going to babysit Cady that weekend. She said, "Well I guess I'll call Tami's dad."

I looked at her and said, "Fine. You do that. Tomorrow, I'll begin sharing with the world your letter from your friend in the Bahamas."

If looks could kill, I'd be dead. I cheered myself on in my head. "Sucks to have someone threaten you like that doesn't it?"

She decided that blackmail wasn't really kind but she was not going to allow me to have my diary. She told me I had taught her a lesson and that lesson was, :don't keep things in writing that you wouldn't be okay with someone else reading." I said that I agreed, that was something I was never going to do again. She went into her room and brought my diary back. Still she refused to give it to me. She said to me, "Get my letter we are going to burn these at the same time." I was panicked. That diary had a lot in it. I didn't want it burnt!!!! Still she was not backing down. I got the letter and at the same time we tossed our respective "blackmail" items into the fire. I was sick. I wanted to puke. I hated her. That diary was going to go to my first daughter. I told myself, "never again" I was not going to write about anything about anyone that could hurt them again. I cried myself to sleep that night over my loss. My father never knew about this incident. It wasn't like I could tell him.

well . . . here I am again . . .. out of words. That was hard but not near as hard as the last chapter. I had dealt with a lot of this guilt when God convicted me on my 41st birthday. Until my next title, I say to you, be kind to others. Don't blackmail. Keep secrets. Don't gossip.

Wendy, Mom of many
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