Thursday, May 16, 2013

Back Flash

What a journey this has been. I knew the pain of my giving Amanda Rose up for adoption was going to be something to relive. I was not prepared for how overwhelming it turned out to be. If I could have cut out my heart, I think I would have. I cried out for relief. Even in reflection it is still so raw my eyes fill with tears and my heart is heavy. I think it is why I have been calling out to others that are in a dark place right now. I encourage you to press on. Find a Friend. I'll be your friend! I'm already your long lost sister! I know heartache. I am familiar with the thoughts that it would be easier to go to sleep and never wake up again. That is what the evil one wants you to believe. It is a lie.

Life always has twists and turns. Aren't you interested what may be around the next corner?

My life has been a roller coaster for sure. So, this is where I was at. In pain. I see the road ahead I'm being called to share and again I called out to My Father. What next? I have had signs. He has shared things with me. Things I had tucked back in the recesses of my brain. Lately I have been that obstinate child saying how do I share that? I know the answer. I listen for the title that He will give me. Once I hear it and type it in He gives me the rest.

Unfortunately, I've been too busy voicing my fears and concerns over what I am led to share to open myself up to hearing my next chapter title. Ever hear the phrase, "I'm dragging my feet."? Yea, that would have been me.

I resolved last night to pray for direction, protection and strength. This morning I was awakened with my next title. As always, it is so perfect. Back Flash. I've been having a lot of them. So funny that I never thought of the title myself. I know it was because I simply was not ready and willing to proceed. I want to thank all those that prayed for protection over me. I felt lighter yesterday and was able to write a blog. I know it was more for me than anyone. It helped me lift my head back up. So thank you my fellow prayer warriors!

In my blog, The Only Baby I Ever Planned, I shared how Bruce had called me saying that this was all too much for him and he had changed his mind. In the heat of writing that blog I was still in the same mental shape I was in the first time. I was confused and full of overwhelming heart ache. I just did not get how he felt it would be better to abandon me and the baby he had begged me to have with him. I was angry at him still. I had never put myself in Bruce's shoes. I allowed him no grace.

Recently I have had many back flashes and they have not been pleasant to say the least. Somehow I knew I'd have to talk about the turmoil I lived through regarding Jeff and our mutual children. I now understand what it was that was too much for Bruce and in my heart I can no longer be angry at him. Allow me to paint the scene.

My divorce from Jeff was far from easy or pleasant and the repercussions of leaving him haunted me off and on until our children were teenagers. Anyone that has ended a relationship knows full well the battle that often ensues do to each parties hurts. This relationship was one of those. I think it happens more in abusive situations than others and if you've read my blog Staring Down the Barrel of a Shotgun you know full well that mine was an abusive relationship.

If you have never been in a physically abusive relationship and you know someone who is currently in one you may question why this persons stays there. Perhaps you wonder why don't they leave? The most asked question is why do they go back?  I know why. You see, I was that girl.

I promised to publish this blog before the end of the day and it is 11:48 pm EST. I am exhausted but know what I am being led to share. I don't care for it. It's not anything I care to relive but I know God is showing me something. Who knows perhaps many of you will figure it out before I do!

Today I come before you Father asking for more strength and clarity on how I am to share all of this. I thank you for getting me through every rough spot I have been in. I thank you for your Grace. Where would I be without it? I stand in awe of how you have led me to writing again. I thank you for all my education over the years. I thank you for helping me find fellowship. I pray Father that anyone secluded from others find fellowship with fellow believers. I also pray for all who are living in an abusive situation. Please lift them up. Fill them with the Faith you filled me with the last time Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013


Post a Comment