You know . . . I never had any counselling over the incident that happened that summer day when I was 14. The details can be found in the blog titled 'Grounded for Losing my Virginity'. If you have been molested in any way and you think that you can shoved it back into the recesses of your mind and locked it away safely, I am here to say, "It did not work for me."
As I mentioned in a prior blog, 'In Defense of My Step Mother' one of the gifts Chris gave me was the knowledge regarding breast feeding your children. I had every intention of breast feeding Cassandra until the age of 1. What I didn't count on was going into shock every time I breast fed her.
I had been on the program for Woman, Infants and Children at the time. When I went in for my appointment, it was for Cassy and I. They checked both of our Iron levels and the results were not good. In a nut shell, I was not taking care of myself very well. I confessed to the woman what I was going through and she explained to me that I was not doing Cassy a lot of good. She thought that was most likely due to the fact that when you breast feed, being emotionally tied to it in the beginning helps with the flow of the milk. Since I was so low on Iron, I didn't have enough to give to Cassy through my milk. She insisted on having me change Cassandra over to formula for one main reason. My state of mind. I felt guilty for not being able to provide for her nutritionally.
For the life of me I cannot remember if that lady suggested I go to any counseling. If she did, I did not follow through with her advice. More than likely I would not have been able to get there. I was at a stage in life where I either had to ask for a ride or I was walking where I needed to go!
I snapped out of my funk soon enough once I stopped breastfeeding. I went right into a cleaning maniac. There was a Loft above our place and it had obviously not been touched for years. There was a broken window and even birds had been in and out of this place. Jeff's friend Jeremy had been crashing on our couch and he took a look at the space and thought it would be perfect with a little elbow grease. He helped me attack that room and in one weekend we had it blinging! He moved a bed up there along with his stuff. It was a win win. He was going to chip in on the rent and we had someone to help with errands.
Everything was great until the land lord stopped by. She had seen the fan in the upstairs window and insisted that we could not use the space even though it was on our side. Before I even knew what was going on, she and Jeremy were fighting about it. Needless to say, she informed me she was evicting Jeff and I over the incident. She had to have gone to the court house that day. We were served papers the next day. I was dumbfounded. She never even talked to me.
I think Jeff must have talked to my father about the incident. I'm not really sure how he got Chris to agree to it. All I do know is I was informed we were moving in with Chris and my dad for three months so that they could help us build a nest egg.
To say that it was weird to live under my parents rule while married would be an understatement. Jeff and I found a new place and signed a lease within 3 months as planned. We had $1000 in the bank when we moved into our new place. I thought we were really going to be okay. In less than 3 days of opening that account our balance went from $1000 down to less than $50! Turned out Jeff owed some bank money from before we were married. He had been served a judgement on it and when we put the money in our bank account. They froze the funds and took them. I was sick over it.
Our apartment was right in the middle of town. A new Gas America had just been built and it was 2 blocks down the road. On a whim I went and applied for a job. They were hiring for grave yard shift. I wanted that job so badly. Jeff only allotted me $40 a week for groceries and household needs. Even back then it was not a lot! I needed an income of my own. Grave yard would work perfectly I reasoned. He would have Cassy while she slept so I didn't have to spend money on a sitter. Next I found out about GED classes. I told Jeff that he and I were both going to go to class and take this test. My mother agreed to come up and sit with Cassy while we attended class. I am happy to say even with taking my test going on two days of no sleep I was 1 point shy of a full paid state college scholarship! Who even knew you could get a scholarship on a GED diploma? My teacher was so excited. I told her I did not have another $16 at the time to take the test again. She told me no worries, I could simply retake the history exam and pay only $4.00! I laughed and told her I would think about it but right now I didn't have the freedom to go to college. Jeff passed his test as well. To this day he happily will admit he is thankful I pushed him to pursue his degree.
We were young when we got married and to say we had a great foundation would be a lie. By March we had taken on roommates to help with the rent so we really had no time alone together. When you coupled those two things together I think looking back it was the beginning of the end. I'm not sure if there is any truth to the rumors I've been told years AFTER I divorced Jeff, but if they are true, he was turning to female friends for comfort. I do know this our relationship was on a downhill slide. I no longer felt any longing for contact with Jeff. Sadly we were getting to a point where I was being informed that I had wifely duties and he was not going to go without. Just trust me, "When it becomes a 'Duty', you better do something about it."
I was on the pill and had been since my checkup. The last thing I wanted was another baby. I was already thinking I needed to get out of this relationship. It's funny how abuse starts. It's not like one day they walk up and punch you. An abusive man has to beat you down before he beats you up the first time. You could easily say Jeff and I were in the "Beat you Down" stage of our relationship. I couldn't take the mental abuse so I left Jeff and moved in with my mother in June.
I was still working grave yard at Gas America at this time. Come May, I suddenly started having problems with my cycle. Planned parenthood thought perhaps my body had overcome the pill and I needed a stronger version so they changed my prescription. The next month same problem, so they changed my pill again. The next month I blacked out at work from excessive bleeding and they decided perhaps I needed to have an exam to see if they could spot any cause. So, there I was on the exam table that next morning. I will never forget the gasp the Doctor made. You know how many thoughts can flash across one's brain in a moment? A LOT! Cancer, a tumor, had to be something bad. Nothing I had thought of could have prepared me for her next words, "Oh my God! You're pregnant!" Have you ever heard your world shatter in a single second? I was floored. What she said next was even more shocking. "You're not a little pregnant. . . if I had to guess I would say you are about 20 weeks pregnant. Have you not felt the baby move?" I was speechless for a moment. . . still stunned I managed to say, "No. I haven't."
She then told me, "Well, I'm no expert, but that is my best guess by the size of your uterus." She went on to make the comment that I had a backward uterus . . . something about the position of my cervix . . . I felt like I was a million miles away . . ." I think I mumbled something like, 'Is that a bad thing?' She replied nonchalantly, "No, it's just they used to think girls with a backward uterus had a more difficult time getting pregnant. You kicked that theory out of the water!"
I asked her if she thought anything might be wrong with my baby since I'd been on the pill this entire time. She advised me to get into a doctor as soon as I could. As far as she knew there just wasn't any available information on that. She left the room and I numbly dressed myself. I felt like I was disconnected from my body again. Pregnant? How on earth could I be pregnant. I hadn't called on God in so long . . . I didn't reach for him now either.
Somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain I heard the phrase, "You will be a mother to many."
** I think this is a good place to stop. I'm not quite ready to journal all I went through over the next 72 hours.
As I mentioned in a prior blog, 'In Defense of My Step Mother' one of the gifts Chris gave me was the knowledge regarding breast feeding your children. I had every intention of breast feeding Cassandra until the age of 1. What I didn't count on was going into shock every time I breast fed her.
I had been on the program for Woman, Infants and Children at the time. When I went in for my appointment, it was for Cassy and I. They checked both of our Iron levels and the results were not good. In a nut shell, I was not taking care of myself very well. I confessed to the woman what I was going through and she explained to me that I was not doing Cassy a lot of good. She thought that was most likely due to the fact that when you breast feed, being emotionally tied to it in the beginning helps with the flow of the milk. Since I was so low on Iron, I didn't have enough to give to Cassy through my milk. She insisted on having me change Cassandra over to formula for one main reason. My state of mind. I felt guilty for not being able to provide for her nutritionally.
For the life of me I cannot remember if that lady suggested I go to any counseling. If she did, I did not follow through with her advice. More than likely I would not have been able to get there. I was at a stage in life where I either had to ask for a ride or I was walking where I needed to go!
I snapped out of my funk soon enough once I stopped breastfeeding. I went right into a cleaning maniac. There was a Loft above our place and it had obviously not been touched for years. There was a broken window and even birds had been in and out of this place. Jeff's friend Jeremy had been crashing on our couch and he took a look at the space and thought it would be perfect with a little elbow grease. He helped me attack that room and in one weekend we had it blinging! He moved a bed up there along with his stuff. It was a win win. He was going to chip in on the rent and we had someone to help with errands.
Everything was great until the land lord stopped by. She had seen the fan in the upstairs window and insisted that we could not use the space even though it was on our side. Before I even knew what was going on, she and Jeremy were fighting about it. Needless to say, she informed me she was evicting Jeff and I over the incident. She had to have gone to the court house that day. We were served papers the next day. I was dumbfounded. She never even talked to me.
I think Jeff must have talked to my father about the incident. I'm not really sure how he got Chris to agree to it. All I do know is I was informed we were moving in with Chris and my dad for three months so that they could help us build a nest egg.
To say that it was weird to live under my parents rule while married would be an understatement. Jeff and I found a new place and signed a lease within 3 months as planned. We had $1000 in the bank when we moved into our new place. I thought we were really going to be okay. In less than 3 days of opening that account our balance went from $1000 down to less than $50! Turned out Jeff owed some bank money from before we were married. He had been served a judgement on it and when we put the money in our bank account. They froze the funds and took them. I was sick over it.
Our apartment was right in the middle of town. A new Gas America had just been built and it was 2 blocks down the road. On a whim I went and applied for a job. They were hiring for grave yard shift. I wanted that job so badly. Jeff only allotted me $40 a week for groceries and household needs. Even back then it was not a lot! I needed an income of my own. Grave yard would work perfectly I reasoned. He would have Cassy while she slept so I didn't have to spend money on a sitter. Next I found out about GED classes. I told Jeff that he and I were both going to go to class and take this test. My mother agreed to come up and sit with Cassy while we attended class. I am happy to say even with taking my test going on two days of no sleep I was 1 point shy of a full paid state college scholarship! Who even knew you could get a scholarship on a GED diploma? My teacher was so excited. I told her I did not have another $16 at the time to take the test again. She told me no worries, I could simply retake the history exam and pay only $4.00! I laughed and told her I would think about it but right now I didn't have the freedom to go to college. Jeff passed his test as well. To this day he happily will admit he is thankful I pushed him to pursue his degree.
We were young when we got married and to say we had a great foundation would be a lie. By March we had taken on roommates to help with the rent so we really had no time alone together. When you coupled those two things together I think looking back it was the beginning of the end. I'm not sure if there is any truth to the rumors I've been told years AFTER I divorced Jeff, but if they are true, he was turning to female friends for comfort. I do know this our relationship was on a downhill slide. I no longer felt any longing for contact with Jeff. Sadly we were getting to a point where I was being informed that I had wifely duties and he was not going to go without. Just trust me, "When it becomes a 'Duty', you better do something about it."
I was on the pill and had been since my checkup. The last thing I wanted was another baby. I was already thinking I needed to get out of this relationship. It's funny how abuse starts. It's not like one day they walk up and punch you. An abusive man has to beat you down before he beats you up the first time. You could easily say Jeff and I were in the "Beat you Down" stage of our relationship. I couldn't take the mental abuse so I left Jeff and moved in with my mother in June.
I was still working grave yard at Gas America at this time. Come May, I suddenly started having problems with my cycle. Planned parenthood thought perhaps my body had overcome the pill and I needed a stronger version so they changed my prescription. The next month same problem, so they changed my pill again. The next month I blacked out at work from excessive bleeding and they decided perhaps I needed to have an exam to see if they could spot any cause. So, there I was on the exam table that next morning. I will never forget the gasp the Doctor made. You know how many thoughts can flash across one's brain in a moment? A LOT! Cancer, a tumor, had to be something bad. Nothing I had thought of could have prepared me for her next words, "Oh my God! You're pregnant!" Have you ever heard your world shatter in a single second? I was floored. What she said next was even more shocking. "You're not a little pregnant. . . if I had to guess I would say you are about 20 weeks pregnant. Have you not felt the baby move?" I was speechless for a moment. . . still stunned I managed to say, "No. I haven't."
She then told me, "Well, I'm no expert, but that is my best guess by the size of your uterus." She went on to make the comment that I had a backward uterus . . . something about the position of my cervix . . . I felt like I was a million miles away . . ." I think I mumbled something like, 'Is that a bad thing?' She replied nonchalantly, "No, it's just they used to think girls with a backward uterus had a more difficult time getting pregnant. You kicked that theory out of the water!"
I asked her if she thought anything might be wrong with my baby since I'd been on the pill this entire time. She advised me to get into a doctor as soon as I could. As far as she knew there just wasn't any available information on that. She left the room and I numbly dressed myself. I felt like I was disconnected from my body again. Pregnant? How on earth could I be pregnant. I hadn't called on God in so long . . . I didn't reach for him now either.
Somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain I heard the phrase, "You will be a mother to many."
** I think this is a good place to stop. I'm not quite ready to journal all I went through over the next 72 hours.