Dashing Deals

Monday, September 2, 2013

Convicted by God

Superlicious Silly Sing Song Saturday! Here is K-Loves Encouraging word for the day:

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace.

~ Colossians 3:15, NLT

Does that sound like Heaven or what?!!!!!! I am hanging with the super six at play McDonalds this morning. My lap top is fired up and I'm about to finally write my next chapter I was hoping to get to by Thursday "Convicted by God" . . . I'll post the link as soon as I finish!

Have a Superlicious Silly Sing Song Saturday Everyone!! If you are looking for an inspirational true life story to dig into, I cordially invite you to check out my blog. I've written 87 posts to date. The first one is titled "In the Beginning" I cover things like abortion, adoption, running away, dropping out of high school, being married against my will, being divorced, being assaulted by a stranger, Hearing angels singing, having prayers answered, receiving a message from God, Being spoken to during prayer and so much more.

It was God that called me forth to tell my story. While fearful I stepped out in Faith. I am blessed beyond measure in doing so. Who knew?!? All I ever ask is that you share my link should you find yourself encouraged or inspired www.youareworthytoo.com

This last Thursday on my way to work I was listening to K-Love as my teenager truly enjoys the humor and the songs. Funny how you can hear and sing a certain song 100 times or more and then out of the blue have it affect you so deeply. This is exactly what happened to me! This was my post from Thursday on my Facebook Page also titled You Are Worthy Too:

Tremendously Thankful Thoughtful Thursday. You know how in the mornings it seems your connection to God is sometimes stronger? This morning on my way to work a song I've sang 100 times came on. I am horrible with titles so it will require a google / youtube search. The line that struck me with great emotion was 'I find you when I fall apart'. It got me thinking about this journey of mine. I've had... bumps in the road like anyone else has. Moments I have been on my knees. But I will forever remember the day I fell apart for it was when I was convicted by God. I felt a huge pull on my heart to share how all that came to happen. It is out of order from the current 3 chapters of my life I am blogging on but when the Holy Spirit speaks, I am driven to listen. Look for my next blog I will publish before the end of today. I am calling it "Convicted by God" have a Tremendously Thankful Thoughtful Thursday my friends..

That line, 'I find you when I fall apart' struck a chord and I fell back in time to the minute that God convicted me. He is a loving Father. I have heard of others being convicted and how it changed their life but until I experienced it for myself, I really did not understand. I mean I have been down and out. I have balled my eyes out; I felt like I have fallen apart countless times in my life and honestly I have. But when I truly fell apart was when I was convicted by God. It’s not like He came down and chastised me. No. Nothing like that. It’s more like being moved in a way by the Holy Spirit that causes you to catch a glimpse of yourself and your life through God's eyes while He holds you in His arms as you deal with the truth. I think some have even called this process walking through the fire.

At this point in my life, I was pregnant with Jeffrey Thomas; the baby God had told was a blessing when I was in desperate prayer over my lack of faith in my being able to take on another child. If you are curious enough that post is titled “On My Knees”. I was past the house fire I have also shared under the post “Saved by an Army of Angels” I spent no real time on the internet. I still consider myself the worst googler in the world! The only things I did online involved looking for free ways to advertise for Glidden Fence. I had built a webpage for us on Merchant circle. I blogged on that site and posted fence pictures and I emailed customers for my day job at Glidden Fence Company Incorporated.  I had a Facebook page as well but I didn’t get on that sit very much in those days. Somehow, I found myself listed on a site called LinkedIn. One day about a month or so before my 41st birthday, I received a message from a childhood friend asking if I was The Wendy Glidden that lived on 71st St. in Indianapolis as a child.  I was so thrilled to have been found by her, I instantly wrote back.  We began emailing back and forth every week catching up on each other’s lives.

The weekend after my birthday, when I opened my email account, I saw I had an email from my friend. When I first read her letter, I was confused as to who she was talking about. In a gist, she informed me that she hated to deliver the news that Danny had passed away on my birthday. I sat there staring at her email for a minute trying to rack my brain about who on earth she was referring to. What Danny did we both know and know well enough for her to assume I’d know who she was referring to with just the first name. Danny, Danny, Danny. I actually said his name several times and then it hit me like a lightning bolt. She meant Danny Joe. I had introduced them once.  I fell back in my chair as if I had been blown back by an invisible force. I was stunned. I sat back for a moment without moving. How long had it been since I had even thought about him? Danny Joe had been my first love and even more importantly, at a transitional time in my life, he was also my best friend.

I cannot begin to tell you how this news rocked my world. I replied to her email asking if she knew what had caused his death. She informed me there were a few rumors and advised me to read his obituary. I did not stop there, I searched his name. I wondered what had happened to him. In my search I discovered he’d had two children with a girl named Wendy her last name also started with a G. I also discovered he’d never married. I cannot tell you how hard this information caused me to cry. As weird as it may seem I was morning Danny Joe. At one point in my life I had believed he was my one and only.  I wept uncontrollably. I remembered he had a younger sister and I recalled her name. I checked out the page that was posted on the mortuary that was hosting his funeral and I posted a comment. I don’t know why but I also searched him out on Facebook. I was curious to know more about him. I didn’t find him but next I typed in his sister’s name and found the one I though was her and sent her a message asking if she was Danny Joe’s sister. Indeed she was. She invited me to his funeral but I was pregnant and there was no way Mike would have ever been okay with me going.  It was in Danny Joe’s passing that I was forced to see how drastically far from friends Mike and I had become.  I wondered if I was the reason Danny Joe had never married. We were going to get married. That was the plan. I questioned whether me pushing him to sleep with me as revealed in my blog “Forcing My Destiny” was the reason he ended up being a young father. I tortured myself wondering would he have waited for me.  

As I continued falling back in time and seeing things through the lens of truth, I was convicted again and again. It was when I truly felt apart  that I became open to all God had to offer me, including the truth about His Son Jesus. Tracy invited me to hang out with her group of friends that got together once a week and took a deep dive into the bible. This is when I met Tiffany and Jordan. I am the only one out of that original study that still attends the small group. Funny enough we are growing again. I keep inviting friends to come. It is through Tracy that I also found Leavener and began fellowship every Sunday there. Not long after I began going there every week, Rusty began the study on Jesus by following along the gospel of Luke since he told the gospel in chronological order.  I found the ministry of Jesus amazing. Rusty took the time to tie in the Old Testament prophesies and how Jesus fulfilled them leaving no doubt that Jesus was indeed the messiah. I found myself a believer of Jesus Christ.  The full message of Grace did not penetrate my brain until I attended the Crossroads Great Banquet in February, 2013. When I wrote down what I felt were the ‘sins’ keeping me from forgiveness and then nailed them to the cross it all changed for me.

When God convicts you, you are forced to see the truth. You see how He has been with you through trial after trial after trial. You cannot deny how much He loves you. You see how judgmental you have been towards your heavenly Father. Or at least that was how it was for me. I pushed hard questioning where did it all go wrong for me and I suddenly I saw it all so clearly it broke my heart.
Jeffrey Thomas was indeed a blessing. It is a good thing that my father and uncle came up with his name. Mike had no desire to have any input. I asked how he felt about the name Jeffrey Thomas and he said he didn’t care. I gave him a full 24 hours after Jeffrey was born to come up with something. As it has sadly been after the birth of each of our children, Mike was not there for me.
I find it funny that I have come full circle again. I can want Mike to be a man of God all I want. I can see how great he could be, but until Mike wants that for himself, he will never be that man. It breaks my heart to know he has no desire to follow Jesus. He mocks me for as much. My new nickname is often, "Oh Great One" which is crazy. I don't get his cruelty. It has puzzled me for years. 
Last Thursday night, I found myself so fed up with Mike I again went to my Father God in prayer. This time I kept it simple. Either convict this man or remove him from my life. The next morning I awoke and found Mike in one of his moods. While looking for a heavy sweater, he began tearing clothes out of the cabinets on my side of the room. I asked what on earth he was looking for and he said a sweater. I climbed up on the bed, opened the cabinet on his side of the room and pulled out the bottom sweater. When it came out, low and behold, my Great Banquet cross that says “Christ has chosen you” fell out of the shirt and landed on my bed. I have looked everywhere for this cross. I lost it back in May. The last time I had seen it I had taken it off after I had fallen asleep because when I went to turn over I got tangled up in it. The crocheted braid it hangs on is truly long.  I shook my head. If this was not a sign I don’t know what is! When I went to work that morning I remembered I needed to email Marie’s teacher and when I reached for her business card, I flipped over a coupon that was also on my desk. On the other side of the coupon was an advertisement for an apartment complex less than two minutes from where I work. It also just happens to be in the same school district as my children currently attend. I no longer believe in coincidences, I prefer to see them as signs from God. I picked up the phone and inquired about the three bedroom units. Ironically they are less than the cost over a years’ time as I was paying for childcare. There is a waiting list to get into them. As all things are in God’s perfect timing, I know that when my apartment is available the timing is going to be perfect.
This weekend, I informed Mike that my boundaries are set. I let him know I wanted no fake gestures for it was not up to me who he decided to follow. There are only two teams in my mind, Team Jesus and Team World. I am completely on Team Jesus. Mike likes the lusts of this world and that is fine for him. It just won’t work for me. I need a household to raise my children in that has their focus on the right thing. I really do love Mike. He says he loves me but his actions speak otherwise. Who am I to try to get him to see things my way? You cannot force someone to love you and treat you accordingly. They are both capable and willing, or as in Mike’s case, where I am concerned, they are not.
I prayed to see clearer and while the changes that have occurred due to my lack of blindness have been painful, I look forward to the days ahead of me. I have been praying the same type of prayer for too many years now. I have been given signs and honestly have been like, “Okay God, got it. You are all I need. I can make it financially without Mike, but . . . “. This makes me chuckle at myself. Look at how patient our Heavenly Father is with all of us. We pray for answers and signs and even when He gives them to us, it takes us forever to get it through our thick skulls. It is no wonder we are referred to as sheep in the bible.

Mike knows I am leaving when my apartment becomes available. We have an understanding. For the time being we are parent partners. He has 120 days before I leave. Miracles happen every day. I guess he could still find himself convicted by God but honestly I am not holding my breath. I am resolved. Lately I have found myself reflecting on a conversation I had with the girl who returned my wallet. She is still at a point in her life where she does not want to be revealed and her name is unique enough that I will continue to honor her request and not mention it, but one day she asked me about this thought she had had. She said, "Don't you think that sometimes Satan is so determined to keep us from our purpose that he puts people in our lives to keep us from it?"  I have heard her in my head saying that several times in the last week. I cannot help but wonder if that is truly what he is using Mike for where I am concerned. It would certainly seem that is what the Spirit is warning me about. I have another friend that recently had the pleasure of seeing Mike as he has often been when no witnesses are around. There is no denying Mike has worked hard to keep me down. Someone should have informed him, “I’m an Overcomer!”

It has taken me three full days with many breaks taken mid- sentence to write this post. I hope it flows well for you. May you be blessed enough to find yourself convicted by God.

Father God, I come to you today so thankful for how loving you truly are. Throughout my life even when I thought you had abandoned me or were punishing me, you were actually watching over me, guarding me from absolute evil. How foolish I was to deny you, to challenge you, to question you. Thank you for such wise advice such as Trust in You with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. Thank you for all the wisdom you have granted me. What a loving Father you are indeed. Thank you for such awesome undeniable signs. Thank you for your patience with me. Help me be as awesome as a parent to my own children as you are to me. Help me extend more grace. Help me model true love. Help me laugh through all the craziness the evil one attempts to put in my path. Help me see even clearer. Open my eyes and my ears to all you have to show and say. I am your humble servant Lord. Use me to the fullest. In Jesus name I pray.

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013
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