The Mirror and Me!

Oh my oh my. Tonight I sit here contemplating the power of words. I don't know about the rest of you, but I grew up with that little childhood claim that "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can never hurt me." WRONG! That is such a lie! Words can often leave bruises that take decades to heal, some so hurtful I think the essensce of the initial punch often leaves a single bruise that can be felt to the present day. We can forgive, we can move beyond, but the truth is we don't truly forget the power those words had over us, so when words from the past suddenly become manifested and increased in the present day, they pack a punch so strong it can completely take away one's breath.

I would like to present a different warning about words tonight. One that is shared from our Heavenly Father. Here are some of his thoughts about the power of words:

Hebrews 4:12:  For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.

Proverbs 12:18:  "There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." 

Psalm 55:21:  His speech was smoother than butter, But his heart was war; His words were softer than oil, Yet they were drawn swords.

Quite a different picture God paints about words, than the childlike chant many of us were taught. Clearly words are powerful, so fierce, they can pierce and punch. Today words had such an effect on me.

Recently I have joined a group of ladies who are all on a 30 day quest to learn to love our own bodies. This has been a struggle of mine for the majority of my life. One look in the mirror and I can cut myself down better than most. I absolutely cannot stand to have my picture taken. It is like a freeze frame of myself that provides the opportunity to truly discover all I dislike as it is frozen in time.

Eighteen months ago, I cut my hair all off. It was too difficult to brush due to my spinal chord being crimped causing massive nerve irritation. Now, when I say I cut it off, I mean I cut it off! It is now just barely long enough to add some curl or rather some bounce, some volume, rather than having it lie thin and flat.

So part of this challenge I am in currently involves learning to like the image of myself in pose ~ pictures ~ stills and in the mirror. With that being said, I had taken the time to curl my hair, put it up and take a selfie. I took this selfie, cropped it and put it up as my profile picture on facebook. It was not even a day later that I got this message in my inbox:

Commenter: Why did you change your profile picture? This one does not flatter you. You are not smiling at all, I hope I didn't/don't hurt your feelings.

My reply: No, you didn't. It was part of a challenge. I never take my own pic ~ my camera sucks and I have no practice with selfies.

End of story. I went back and looked at my picture and thought, yeah ~ it isn't great but I don't like any of my pictures so I left it alone. That is until the next day (yesterday), when I got this message:

Wendy, LOOK at this picture. I'm telling you YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, THIS PICTURE IS NOT. Your eyes are crossing, "I think" because you do not have your glasses on, and the fact it looks like your camera is RIGHT IN YOUR FACE, (anyone's would like like that IMO) whatever the challenge don't accept it. Your hair, this pic looks like you just got out of bed, you look so sad, EVEN Pitiful, and I really don't think you want to be seen all over FB with this look. If you want to leave it, obviously your choice, but I'm pretty sure this is not the image you want. I'm telling you it's creepy so S T O P.

I am telling you, I could not breathe for a full minute, hot tears rushed down my face. This was way worse than "not flattering". It was like me saying to me everything I have been tearing myself apart for all of my camera conscious life. In the end, I took the pic down and replaced it with an object, a covid egg. After some ladies in my challenge party saw what I had done, I was encouraged to put my photo back up. In the end, I put up an old photo taken by a professional 9 years ago. I don't like it either, but it was the only other one I had of me. This literally enraged all of my friends. They insisted I put it the newer picture back up, but I could not bear to get more negative feedback, so instead, I childishly shared why I had removed it. Now I did not state that this person commented that they thought I was beautiful and that they were only taking issue with my picture. I of course in sharing the message as written have done that here, those that are closest to me, did see the full message so they knew. I did not name names, I just stated that the reason I had removed the photo was because I had been told how badly it was viewed by someone.

I laid in bed defeated. I over ate on chips and salsa and still feeling raw went to bed. You could easily count the day a win for Satan.

As it often happens, I woke up in the middle of the night and decided I needed to journal all of this and when I went to copy verbatim my conversation from messenger on facebook, I discovered more!

Obviously I hurt you and I am truly sorry. It wasn’t your lazy eye as I said I thought it was being so close to the camera that caused it. IF YOU LIKED THAT PICTURE OF YOU YOU SHOULD HAVE LEFT IT UP. BUT NO YOU HAD TO REMOVE IT. LOOK AT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO PICTURES. BUT NO .......YOU COULDNT SAY I SAID YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL BUT THE PICTURE WAS NOT. AGAIN I DIDNT MEAN TO HURT YOU SORRY AND DONE WITH THIS TWO FACED SHIT.

At this point, I find myself once again shaken. I try to not offend others, I try to have adult conversations and discussions without harm. These days, that talent is getting harder and harder. I did no harm to this person, threw back no insults and didn't openly convict them of cruel words on facebook so I am not sure how that makes me two faced. I have yet to even reply to any of this outside of my blog here, nor will I, for I don't feel there is anything to say. I have no response. 

My only advice is when you want to help another woman out with how she looks, don't tear her apart after you give a compliment. You can be honest without being so harsh. Maybe I'm over sensitive in this area, honestly I know I am. With that being said, I am off to bed once again. Tomorrow is a new day. May my day be kinder and blessed and may yours be as well!

To be fair, this was how my profile picture transitioned for the last 8 hours:

     

Wendy, mom of many, girl who walks with God.