Thursday, January 3, 2013

On My Knees


By the time I was pregnant with my 4th child the ongoing joke was me and my fertility. I always got, “Have you figured out how that happens yet?” or “Do you know what causes this?” I am here to tell you that when God wants you to have a baby you are going to become pregnant. Now he also allows us free choice. And I took advantage of that more than once I am sad to admit but it is a truth about me. If someone were to ask me today what I’d change about my life, my answer would be this, “I would have kept all the babies God gave to me.”

With that being said by the time I became pregnant with Jeffrey I was done having children. Carrying and birthing Delilah just about ‘killed’ me. Mike didn’t make life any easier. It was almost as if he became harder to live with each time our family grew.  I know this was due to the fact that my attention was diverted even more so with each new addition.

Regardless, as always, the jokes came at my expense anytime we were around family and friends. “So are you done now?” I would reply, “Yes. I think God and I have an understanding now. I’ve told him I just can’t handle another pregnancy.”

I don’t know of another girl who has tried harder to NOT get pregnant than me. I have conceived babies while using condoms, birth control pills, and birth control inserts. That brings me to Jeffrey . . .

My step-mother decided she wanted to have my sister’s children and my children over for the weekend. It was the first time Mike and I had had alone time since almost the beginning. It’s certainly the first time we had an entire weekend. The birth control we had been using was causing some issues and as directed we picked an alternate birth control to use for the next two months. This one was an insert kind. I should have read the fact that it is only 97.9% effective! Regardless it was the one we were using when Jeffrey was conceived.

With having time to just dote on each other . . . dote we did. I felt pregnant instantly.  I pushed that feeling aside and told myself I was being silly. I began praying that night to NOT be pregnant. The time for my cycle to start came and went with no visit from “Aunt Rose”. My prayer became more pleading and informing God how another baby was more than I could handle. I went to the store and bought a two pack of pregnancy tests. At this point I was 5 days late and full of dread. I did not read the directions I looked at the picture on the front. Two pink lines right next to each other meant I was pregnant was what the picture showed. I used it placed it in the sink and went into the kitchen to start dinner. I went back into the bathroom and was relieved to see two single pink lines one in the test window and one on the other side but not two together! I thought to myself negative! Now I should start. . . I reasoned that I was probably not starting because of my fear level. I still got on my knees that night and prayed to start so that I could stop worrying. Four days passed and still No “Aunt Rose”. That night I was in the bathroom again praying on my knees . . . crying praying for it had dawned on me that my first test was likely positive. You see, I read the directions this time and the two pink lines did not need to be next to each other . . . there just needed to be two of them. I was informing God how I wasn't strong enough to go through another pregnancy. I told him I would live with my fate but if it was within His will to take this baby and gift someone else I would appreciate that. In the midst of my pleading prayer I was shaken by a voice.

“Wendy! This baby is a Blessing! This is how you will put down your cigarettes. Get up off your knees. You hands will be so busy you will never miss that cigarette.” It was so loud and so just . . . well. . . how to say this… It was such a prominent absolute answer that I did get off my knees and stopped crying instantly. I was filled with such peace that mere words cannot give it justice.  I grabbed the test and opened it already knowing the answer but needing proof to show Mike. When he came home he went to our room first. I caught him in the doorway before he exited, showed him the test and said, “I’m pregnant.”

He looked at me completely dead panned and said, “We are not keeping it.”

I replied, “I don’t know who ‘we’ is but as far as I’m concerned there is no choice.” I spun and left him there. We did not talk about it again that night.

The next day I wrote down all of our bills not including basics like Gas, Cigarettes, Groceries, Health insurance, etc. and divided them in half. I showed them to Mike and told him. “I’m not going to be able to stay in sales. I will be put back behind a desk. You are going to have to help out financially and this is what I need from you. If you don’t give me this you can’t live here anymore.” It was the biggest battle of wills we had had to date. I ended up bringing him into the office with my father who Mike looks up to and had him be the moderator.

My father was shocked to know that this was even a battle. It was and it stayed a battle all the way until I walked out and left Mike.

Jeffrey has indeed been a blessing in more ways than I can count. He fills my life with laughter and joy that I can't even put into words. My heart sings when he is around <3. I did kick the cigarettes I had been praying to for strength to quit with no trouble at all just as I was told I would. My hands were indeed too busy and I never implemented a cigarette into my new routine. I thank God for taking that vice out of me even more so every time I see or hear about someone who is struggling with any kind of addiction.

 I’m not sure why God has me sharing all of this out of sequence but he gave this title to me last week and another title I still have to write and I willfully chose to believe I had misunderstood my assignment. As before, until I do as he has said it’s almost as if I am cut off from communication. I do not like not being in tune with God. I can’t imagine what life would be like had I never had all the contact I have over the years. I thought everyone heard God. I have come to learn that is not the case.

My prayer for anyone following my blog is this: May you build a relationship with our Heavenly Father. May you begin reading his word and believing in what you read. May the words make sense to you.

Blessing to all who are willing to try

 Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

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