The Only Baby I Ever Planned

My last blog titled "I'm Learning to Be the Light" ironically revealed the details of how I came to have my first abortion. If you have been following me from the beginning of my story you know that I am a mother to 9 of my 12 children that God blessed me with. Two of those 12 I elected to not bring into this world and the one in the middle of them I planned to conceive.

To catch you up a little more, I'd blown Jimmy off as well as avoided Richard at every turn until he stopped coming around at all. I was working two jobs and raising two children on my own. The last thing in the world I was looking for was love and that's when I met Bruce Malone. Dark brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes and he stood over 6' tall. He was a walking talking dream of a guy. He was in college and was on the basketball team. He came over to my apartment one night and we ended up hitting it off. Within 3 months of dating Bruce had asked me to marry him. I had said yes. From that point, he non-stop begged me to have a baby with him. I don't know why I thought it would take more than a couple tries for me to get pregnant but it didn't. I was pregnant the same month we began trying.

To save money and get ready to move to Iowa where Bruce was going to college I moved in with my Aunt Janet and my Uncle Bob. Bruce was supposed to be arranging us housing. He only called me once a week to update me on the progress and to see how the baby and I were getting along. Right after Halloween he called and before I had a chance to even say "How are you doing?", he said, "Wendy, I need to say this so just listen. I love you. I will always love you. This is too much. I'm not ready. My mom has moved and she changed her number, the college has moved me to a new dorm and they have been informed that you are not to have my new information. Don't bother my friends they too have been warned. Good Luck." and he hung up on me.

I was frozen. I think I dropped the phone. Instantly my Aunt knew something was wrong. Through my tears I shared what Bruce had said. She thought it might be in my best interest to go over to my Uncle Jeff's house and talk to him and his wife. They lived about 15 minutes away.Jeff and Lena, while technically my Aunt and Uncle, are basically my age. Jeff has always been more like a brother to me. Getting in the car was likely not the wisest thing for me to do, but the children did not need to see me fall into a shamble of tears.

I really don't remember what all transpired over the next week or so other than the repo man showed up and towed off my car. I had not made a payment in 3 months. With no car, no soon to be husband, no job, my Aunt Janet had a heart to heart talk with me during nap time.

She asked me some really pointed questions. Seeing how I had struggled on my own with two children how did I think I would be able to provide for three on my own? She asked if I could honestly say I would never blame this child for how my life turned out. She asked if I thought it was fair to raise a baby on my own knowing her father wanted nothing to do with her? In the end I decided that the fairest thing for all of the children would be to give this baby to someone who was longing for a baby of their own to raise.

I contacted an adoption agency that allowed me to pick who the parents of my baby were going to be. I started with countless applications. Read resume after resume. In the end I narrowed it down to three and then put them in order of my first choice to my third choice. I requested to meet them before making my final decision. You get a much better feel for a person in person than you do off paper.

I did not know the baby I was carrying was a girl at this point. I did not know her gender until she was born. I didn't want to know. I knew me. Better not to know. What I did know was I wanted this baby to have a sibling for if I had kept him or her, they would not have been an only child. I wanted the couple I chose to know God. The couple I chose had a 4 year old boy and they wanted him to have a sibling. It was obvious that there was belief of God in their home just by their file. When I met with them, they promised to send me pictures of my baby for the first year. I could mail in pictures to the adoption agency and letters for them to keep in a file for my baby if I wanted to. They promised me when he/she turned 18 they would allow him/her to search for me if that was his/her desire. I told the mediator of the meeting that I was happy with them and they were the ones I wanted to gift with my child.

My baby's adoptive mom looked at me and asked if I knew the gender and I told her no. She confided she would love a little girl but would be just as thrilled with a little boy. She was beaming as if she were carrying my child inside of her. She next asked if I'd be okay with her touching my stomach and I said she could. My baby moved and she got to feel it. Her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Thank You" in the most sincerely loving way a human being could say to another human being.

I am in convulsions crying and must stop. I knew this was going to be painful . . . I can barely breathe . . . I promise to come back and finish this chapter quicker than what I have been blogging lately. Some roads are harder to travel down than others.

Today I pray for all women and all babies, longed for, miscarried, aborted, adopted and cherished alike. I pray for any and all the broken hearts. I give thanks that I know my children I gave back to God are with God as all unborn babies are. I pray peace over all with aching hearts. In Jesus name I pray.

Wendy, Mom of Many

On My Knees

By the time I was pregnant with my 4^th child the ongoing joke was me and my fertility. I always got, “Have you figured out how that happens yet?” or “Do you know what causes this?” I am here to tell you that when God wants you to have a baby you are going to become pregnant. Now he also allows us free choice. And I took advantage of that more than once I am sad to admit but it is a truth about me. If someone were to ask me today what I’d change about my life, my answer would be this, “I would have kept all the babies God gave to me.”

With that being said by the time I became pregnant with Jeffrey I was done having children. Carrying and birthing Delilah just about ‘killed’ me. Mike didn’t make life any easier. It was almost as if he became harder to live with each time our family grew.  I know this was due to the fact that my attention was diverted even more so with each new addition.

Regardless, as always, the jokes came at my expense anytime we were around family and friends. “So are you done now?” I would reply, “Yes. I think God and I have an understanding now. I’ve told him I just can’t handle another pregnancy.”

I don’t know of another girl who has tried harder to NOT get pregnant than me. I have conceived babies while using condoms, birth control pills, and birth control inserts. That brings me to Jeffrey . . .

My step-mother decided she wanted to have my sister’s children and my children over for the weekend. It was the first time Mike and I had had alone time since almost the beginning. It’s certainly the first time we had an entire weekend. The birth control we had been using was causing some issues and as directed we picked an alternate birth control to use for the next two months. This one was an insert kind. I should have read the fact that it is only 97.9% effective! Regardless it was the one we were using when Jeffrey was conceived.

With having time to just dote on each other . . . dote we did. I felt pregnant instantly.  I pushed that feeling aside and told myself I was being silly. I began praying that night to NOT be pregnant. The time for my cycle to start came and went with no visit from “Aunt Rose”. My prayer became more pleading and informing God how another baby was more than I could handle. I went to the store and bought a two pack of pregnancy tests. At this point I was 5 days late and full of dread. I did not read the directions I looked at the picture on the front. Two pink lines right next to each other meant I was pregnant was what the picture showed. I used it placed it in the sink and went into the kitchen to start dinner. I went back into the bathroom and was relieved to see two single pink lines one in the test window and one on the other side but not two together! I thought to myself negative! Now I should start. . . I reasoned that I was probably not starting because of my fear level. I still got on my knees that night and prayed to start so that I could stop worrying. Four days passed and still No “Aunt Rose”. That night I was in the bathroom again praying on my knees . . . crying praying for it had dawned on me that my first test was likely positive. You see, I read the directions this time and the two pink lines did not need to be next to each other . . . there just needed to be two of them. I was informing God how I wasn't strong enough to go through another pregnancy. I told him I would live with my fate but if it was within His will to take this baby and gift someone else I would appreciate that. In the midst of my pleading prayer I was shaken by a voice.

“Wendy! This baby is a Blessing! This is how you will put down your cigarettes. Get up off your knees. You hands will be so busy you will never miss that cigarette.” It was so loud and so just . . . well. . . how to say this… It was such a prominent absolute answer that I did get off my knees and stopped crying instantly. I was filled with such peace that mere words cannot give it justice.  I grabbed the test and opened it already knowing the answer but needing proof to show Mike. When he came home he went to our room first. I caught him in the doorway before he exited, showed him the test and said, “I’m pregnant.”

He looked at me completely dead panned and said, “We are not keeping it.”

I replied, “I don’t know who ‘we’ is but as far as I’m concerned there is no choice.” I spun and left him there. We did not talk about it again that night.

The next day I wrote down all of our bills not including basics like Gas, Cigarettes, Groceries, Health insurance, etc. and divided them in half. I showed them to Mike and told him. “I’m not going to be able to stay in sales. I will be put back behind a desk. You are going to have to help out financially and this is what I need from you. If you don’t give me this you can’t live here anymore.” It was the biggest battle of wills we had had to date. I ended up bringing him into the office with my father who Mike looks up to and had him be the moderator.

My father was shocked to know that this was even a battle. It was and it stayed a battle all the way until I walked out and left Mike.

Jeffrey has indeed been a blessing in more ways than I can count. He fills my life with laughter and joy that I can't even put into words. My heart sings when he is around <3. I did kick the cigarettes I had been praying to for strength to quit with no trouble at all just as I was told I would. My hands were indeed too busy and I never implemented a cigarette into my new routine. I thank God for taking that vice out of me even more so every time I see or hear about someone who is struggling with any kind of addiction.

 I’m not sure why God has me sharing all of this out of sequence but he gave this title to me last week and another title I still have to write and I willfully chose to believe I had misunderstood my assignment. As before, until I do as he has said it’s almost as if I am cut off from communication. I do not like not being in tune with God. I can’t imagine what life would be like had I never had all the contact I have over the years. I thought everyone heard God. I have come to learn that is not the case.

My prayer for anyone following my blog is this: May you build a relationship with our Heavenly Father. May you begin reading his word and believing in what you read. May the words make sense to you.

Blessing to all who are willing to try

 Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013