The Only Baby I Ever Planned

My last blog titled "I'm Learning to Be the Light" ironically revealed the details of how I came to have my first abortion. If you have been following me from the beginning of my story you know that I am a mother to 9 of my 12 children that God blessed me with. Two of those 12 I elected to not bring into this world and the one in the middle of them I planned to conceive.

To catch you up a little more, I'd blown Jimmy off as well as avoided Richard at every turn until he stopped coming around at all. I was working two jobs and raising two children on my own. The last thing in the world I was looking for was love and that's when I met Bruce Malone. Dark brown hair, gorgeous blue eyes and he stood over 6' tall. He was a walking talking dream of a guy. He was in college and was on the basketball team. He came over to my apartment one night and we ended up hitting it off. Within 3 months of dating Bruce had asked me to marry him. I had said yes. From that point, he non-stop begged me to have a baby with him. I don't know why I thought it would take more than a couple tries for me to get pregnant but it didn't. I was pregnant the same month we began trying.

To save money and get ready to move to Iowa where Bruce was going to college I moved in with my Aunt Janet and my Uncle Bob. Bruce was supposed to be arranging us housing. He only called me once a week to update me on the progress and to see how the baby and I were getting along. Right after Halloween he called and before I had a chance to even say "How are you doing?", he said, "Wendy, I need to say this so just listen. I love you. I will always love you. This is too much. I'm not ready. My mom has moved and she changed her number, the college has moved me to a new dorm and they have been informed that you are not to have my new information. Don't bother my friends they too have been warned. Good Luck." and he hung up on me.

I was frozen. I think I dropped the phone. Instantly my Aunt knew something was wrong. Through my tears I shared what Bruce had said. She thought it might be in my best interest to go over to my Uncle Jeff's house and talk to him and his wife. They lived about 15 minutes away.Jeff and Lena, while technically my Aunt and Uncle, are basically my age. Jeff has always been more like a brother to me. Getting in the car was likely not the wisest thing for me to do, but the children did not need to see me fall into a shamble of tears.

I really don't remember what all transpired over the next week or so other than the repo man showed up and towed off my car. I had not made a payment in 3 months. With no car, no soon to be husband, no job, my Aunt Janet had a heart to heart talk with me during nap time.

She asked me some really pointed questions. Seeing how I had struggled on my own with two children how did I think I would be able to provide for three on my own? She asked if I could honestly say I would never blame this child for how my life turned out. She asked if I thought it was fair to raise a baby on my own knowing her father wanted nothing to do with her? In the end I decided that the fairest thing for all of the children would be to give this baby to someone who was longing for a baby of their own to raise.

I contacted an adoption agency that allowed me to pick who the parents of my baby were going to be. I started with countless applications. Read resume after resume. In the end I narrowed it down to three and then put them in order of my first choice to my third choice. I requested to meet them before making my final decision. You get a much better feel for a person in person than you do off paper.

I did not know the baby I was carrying was a girl at this point. I did not know her gender until she was born. I didn't want to know. I knew me. Better not to know. What I did know was I wanted this baby to have a sibling for if I had kept him or her, they would not have been an only child. I wanted the couple I chose to know God. The couple I chose had a 4 year old boy and they wanted him to have a sibling. It was obvious that there was belief of God in their home just by their file. When I met with them, they promised to send me pictures of my baby for the first year. I could mail in pictures to the adoption agency and letters for them to keep in a file for my baby if I wanted to. They promised me when he/she turned 18 they would allow him/her to search for me if that was his/her desire. I told the mediator of the meeting that I was happy with them and they were the ones I wanted to gift with my child.

My baby's adoptive mom looked at me and asked if I knew the gender and I told her no. She confided she would love a little girl but would be just as thrilled with a little boy. She was beaming as if she were carrying my child inside of her. She next asked if I'd be okay with her touching my stomach and I said she could. My baby moved and she got to feel it. Her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Thank You" in the most sincerely loving way a human being could say to another human being.

I am in convulsions crying and must stop. I knew this was going to be painful . . . I can barely breathe . . . I promise to come back and finish this chapter quicker than what I have been blogging lately. Some roads are harder to travel down than others.

Today I pray for all women and all babies, longed for, miscarried, aborted, adopted and cherished alike. I pray for any and all the broken hearts. I give thanks that I know my children I gave back to God are with God as all unborn babies are. I pray peace over all with aching hearts. In Jesus name I pray.

Wendy, Mom of Many

I'm Learning to Be the Light!

Good morning Everyone!! It's Tremendously Thankful Thoughtful Thursday ♥ I heard this song that talks about learning to be the light last night on my way to dinner with Brenda . . . it's how I feel . . . it's what I feel I am already becoming . . . So today I am Thankful for sisters and brothers in Christ. I am Tremendously Thankful for Grace ♥. As we go about our day lets be thoughtful of others. We all walk in awful uncomfortable even restricting shoes throughout our various season of life . . . today reflect upon that!

Here is the link to the song I was talking about! http://youtu.be/6bRMemJf5EQ

So here I was on my way to work this morning and I was thinking about all the cool stuff I get to do today. I hang out with my small group and we are studying Acts right now. I'm totally loving it. On Sunday we just started Hebrews. Two awesome encouraging books in the Holy Bible! For me the Good News proclaimed throughout the New Testament has been life changing. I finally get it. I am a new creation. I will have eternal life. I am forgiven of my trespasses. It's a new day! I will boast in that truth until my last moment.

How awesome to be able to spread the good news. Especially when it comes to a sinner like me. I used to shrink when people would say something about me being a Saint due to all the children I have had. It made me feel like such a fraud. I felt nothing like a Saint for decades. I was my biggest critic. I gave the evil one plenty of ammunition to fire against me.

Nothing like helping the destroyer of lives destroy you! Now when I find myself shrinking from something or having a moment of fear I swell with confidence. I say, "Oh. . . Satan . . . man you are good. You had me for a millisecond and then I saw my fear for what it was . . . it's actually you being afraid of others seeing my light!"

I refuse to not live my life for Christ and that means I will face all my fears head on and with confidence. My God is Bigger than all else! So funny another one of my favorite songs (I only have a gazillion of them) just started on the radio.

 "The God of Angel Armies" here is a link for it:  http://youtu.be/VzIABaImiK4  yes it's looking like a music day isn't it?!

I guess that's a good thing. What is it that they say about music? Something like it soothes the savage beast. For me it helps light me up. I heard another tune today on my way to work that led me to know that today is the day I share one of my darkest moments. It's about how we don't fall in an instant . . . how what used to be black and white slowly becomes gray . . . and instantly I was flashing on my past and the song holds a lot of truth. I didn't change overnight . . . it was with each bad choice I made, I seemed to drift farther and farther away from the path I thought I was going to take. Over the course of time I had convinced myself I could never return to that path and that is when God began calling me home. I was shown the message of Grace and learned about the Truth of Jesus. With that being said, let's get these dark ages of mine on paper.

Before my divorce was finalized with Jeff I had let it be VERY known to him that I wanted no more children.  When I went in for my 4 week checkup after having William I had asked about having my tubes tied. It was then that I learned by law I could not have the procedure done until I was either 25 or had given birth to 3 children. I was so upset. I remember yelling at God about it. Jeff decided to have a procedure done so that he could not have any more children. He did this when we were separated. I remember telling him, "If you are doing this in hopes that we will get back together then it is for the wrong reasons. If you go through with this I don't ever want it to be thrown in my face. Understand this will not win my love." He claimed he didn't want anymore children. Two were more than enough. He went through with the procedure. I have often wondered how he feels about me having had all of these other children. Life is Ironic.

So, as I ended my blog titled "How I became a Single Mother" my divorce was finalized in December of 1989.  To me this meant I could freely date Jimmy. He was working at UPS and going to college so his time for me was short and usually at crazy hours. We had been seeing each other for about two months when I called over to his house to let him know I had the weekend off and it was Jeff's weekend with the kids. This was a BIG occasion! His father answered and was kind enough to inform me he was on a date with his fiancee. My world reeled. One of my friends worked at Apple Bees . . . I wiped away my tears and went up to hang out in her station. When I got there one of her fellow buds was working. He was a nice guy and he had been interested in me. He caught me crying and he put everything he had into cheering me up. Over the course of the weekend he hung out with me and we ended up sleeping together. It was the first time I'd ever had an orgasm. Blew my mind! I suddenly for the first time in my life realized what all the excitement was all about when it came to sex! Richard made me feel so special he was a great friend and a caring considerate man. We began hanging out the rest of the week when our schedules allowed it. My cycle should have started the following week but the time went by without a visit from Aunt Rose. I took a pregnancy test and it turned out to be positive. . .

This next truth is so awful I know it is what held me back from telling this story. I had been with two men in one month. I had no idea who the father was. It gets better, I was worried about how I would be judged for not knowing who the father was. It gets even better than that. Jimmy was white & Richard was black. Once the baby was born there would be no question. I was not sure I could endure the in-between of not knowing who the father was. Jimmy was engaged to another woman and honestly I had no desire to tell him I was pregnant and did not know if it was his or not. I did tell Richard about my dilemma. After all, he was my friend. He offered me an "easy" solution. He would pay for my abortion. Even though I knew it was wrong to take a life I convinced myself it was acceptable. At the time the mantra was "This is your life" or "This is your body and your life". It was an acceptable thing to do. I honestly want to puke reliving this because there was nothing okay about what I did. I knew life began at conception. I took the easy way out. In the long run it was something that would haunt me for years and years.

My friend Donna, the same Donna I ran away with and who I was beat up over, drove me to the clinic and stayed with me. The entire waiting room was full of women waiting their turn. You signed in and then you went and saw a counselor. I honestly don't know what the point of that was because there was no counseling. I felt like I was in some weird dream. I was called back to the room for the procedure and it was awful and painful. Worse than childbirth. It felt like I was being ripped apart. Now we know what happens to the baby inside of you during this process. I cannot tell you how Satan used that against me.

Richard came and stayed with me that first night. I howled in pain. I thought for sure I was dying. I know part of me wanted to die. Richard and I had been great friends. I used to wonder what ever happened to us. Now I know. I pushed him away. Looking at him was too big of a reminder of my deed.

Jimmy called me after my abortion. He had enrolled in the Navy. I was so mad at him I told him I had been pregnant with his child and I had fallen and miscarried. If he reads this blog of mine, it will be the first time he has heard the truth about this pregnancy. I was angry at him. At the time I blamed him for my emptiness. I reasoned, had he not deceived me, I would have never found myself weak and looking for love in all the wrong places. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying. This is Not an excuse. I am just showing how far I had gone down the wide road. I wanted him to hurt. That is not our purpose here on earth. However, it was where I was at by my own doing mind you.

This is just the beginning of my Dark Ages. I am not proud of my past decisions. I do KNOW that God uses all evils for good. I know he is going to use my pain to minister to other lost souls. I am going to be a willing participant in that ministry.

Today I pray for those who have made the same choice I did. I pray that you are brought into the light and shown the truth. I also pray for those facing the decision of what to do when you find yourself pregnant and it was not your plan to become that way. I pray you are touched by a believer so deeply that you never have to face the demon of regret. I pray for all who want a baby yet cannot conceive. I thank God for Christ. I thank God for Grace. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

I will leave you with one last song . . . it's the one I heard on the way to work. The title is "Slow Fade" http://youtu.be/dUa8FSVv5Ag


Wendy,

Mom of Many

Copyright © 2013 Wendy L Glidden. All Rights Reserved.

Saved By an Army of Angels

My son Michael is the child I wrote about in my blog titled "Who do You Curse . . . Why Do You Curse Them?" He was born on November 21st so this event took place right after his fourth birthday. It was the weekend after Thanksgiving. I was approximately 20 weeks pregnant at the time with my last child Jeffrey. Mike was helping a friend with some yard work and I was home with the fantastic four. We had been having a great day. We were watching movies and doing laundry when literally all hell broke lose.

Michael was my little strong man at the time so he had a lot of trust built up with me. It's so funny to think how much of a man this child has been all along. Little boys do love their mommys. Anyway, in the midst of him helping me he was sidetracked by my lighter. I was still smoking cigarettes at this time and over the summer his father had taught him how to set camp fires and his older brother had taught him how to actually light a lighter. He was fascinated by the flame and had set a couple of little fires outside already. He had been warned that making fires without an adult was not wise. Never in a million years did I see what was about to happen.

Back to the story. He had grabbed my lighter in the midst of doing our chores. He was supposed to be grabbing a laundry basket out of my closet. Lighter in hand, he climbed up on his sister's loft bed above the twins bed and proceeded to set a piece of Tia's school papers on fire. Marie and Marissa had gone to look for Michael and it was Marissa that came running to tell me that the bed was on fire. I rushed into the hall and saw the flames. At first I ran to the room and that is when I knew this fire was already too big to deal with without the help of water. I ran to the kitchen and for the life of me couldn't find anything bigger than a punch bowl for water. My heart was racing. I frantically scanned the kitchen and saw the trash can. I grabbed the trash liner out of it and ran down the hall into the bathroom and began filling it with water. We are on a well and I am here to tell you that day our pressure seemed to be nothing more than a trickle. I looked out into the hall and the fire seemed to have tripled in a matter of seconds. I glanced back toward the kitchen and all the kids were standing there with terror in their eyes. I rushed them all out the back door and closed it telling them to stay outside. I ran back to the bathroom grabbed what water was in the can and ran to the room. The fire was already on the bottom bunk bed and I couldn't stand on it to get the water onto the loft bed. I threw all the water on the bottom bed and and was shown my only shot at putting out this fire was the garden hose.

I ran outside to grab it. My current hose was a junk one that kinked with ease. I had spent money on a really nice one at the beginning of the summer for my kid toys but Mike had "accidentally" burnt it in half over our burn pit approximately two months prior to this event. He had no remorse and refused to help purchase a new one so in my spite I had replaced it with the cheapest one I could buy. Anyway, when I went to grab it, it was not convenient. Mike had used it last and it was stretched out over the yard and wrapped around toys. My heart lurched. Michael helped me unwind it like a pro. I never saw a kid move so fast. I had him turn the water on full blast as I ran into the house with it. Much to my disbelief the hose was 3 feet short of being able to get any spray to the biggest part of the fire. I heard bring it in through your window and I knew that was my only hope. I tore through the plastic I had just put up the weekend before and with the strength of God got my storm window up. My home was filling with smoke. I leaned out and caught a good breath of air. As I ran past my door I hit the light switch turning off my ceiling fan as I was instructed to do. I ran back out of the house with the hose. I ran to my window and shoved the hose through it. I yelled at the kids to go to the van and I ran back into the house. I no sooner hit the hall way when I was in a total cloud of black smoke.

The next thing I remember is being lifted up off the ground. It was as if I'd been given a breath of fresh air and I heard. "Wendy stay low. People die in fires." I sped crawled to the hose and yanked it into the girls room and began fighting that fire on my knees. This may sound crazy to you but I was not in that room alone. God sent an army of angels to help me. The things I did next were nothing less than miraculous. I am sure my training fighting fires when I was a child helped me but many of the things I did I was TOLD to do.

I watched in horror as the fire lept across the ceiling to the other side of the room. I heard it try to get around me before I even saw it. No sooner had I gotten the room under control when I heard "Go soak the roof." I ran outside pulled the hose through my window and began doing just that. Within a couple of minutes I was told to go back inside. I ran by my window threw the hose in it again and this time when I went back in you couldn't see a thing due to all the black smoke in the house. I think it was the first time in my life I was grateful for being legally blind. I ran in holding my breath and when I hit the hallway, I slid on my knees as far as I could go. I found the hose again and finished putting the fire out. It was so hot in the house I feared the fire might be burning behind the walls. I was on my way out to the van to drive to the fire station when I heard "Turn off the power" I ran into the garage and flipped the main breaker off.

I drove to the fire station because I had no phone to call for help. Their door was locked. I couldn't see anyone in through the window so I began banging on the door and screaming for help. I hit the garage doors . . . I banged on the people door. Finally a couple of fire fighters came to the door. I stammered, "My house was on fire I'm not sure I got it out. I need help."

The look on their faces is something I'll never forget. They were dumbstruck is the best way to explain it. One of them said, "Mam are you okay? You have soot all over your face."

I screamed, "I WAS IN THE FIRE!" they looked over my shoulder at the van and said, "You have children?" I said, "Yes, they are okay they weren't in the fire. Please, I need you to go to my home and see if it's still burning." I quickly told them where I lived and off they went. One of the firefighters came to the van to look at the children and she grabbed some blankets for me since we'd all run out without coats or even shoes and she asked if I had anyone I'd like to call. I told her my dad. I don't even remember what I told him but he was there in mere moments. He had me follow him down to the road West of my driveway and from there we watched the firemen walking up and down my driveway. I asked my dad to sit with the kids so that I could find out what was going on. As I was walking up the driveway an older firefighter was walking back towards the road. I asked him, "Was it still burning?" He stopped, looked at me and said, "No. You got it all out." I said, "I wasn't sure . . . it was so hot. . . there was so much steam . . . it looked like smoke was coming out of the walls." He stared at me for a second. Shook his head and said, "Do me a favor. Next time run. I don't know how you fought this fire, but don't ever do something like that again." I continued on down the drive to my home knowing I fought this fire with an Army of Angels. God had saved me, my family and my home. As I approached my stepping stones, I was stopped by another man who turned out to be the "Assistant Fire Marshall". He informed me that what he had found indicated that my son was abused and obviously hated his older sister. I was not only shocked, I was insulted.

The police showed up and questioned me and the Assistant Fire Marshall informed me that the department of children services would be in touch. He also told me that since it was of his opinion that my son who set the fire was an abused child, I was being ordered to have to take him in for an evaluation at a mental facility. My whole world was spinning. Abused child? None of my children were abused I told him. Even my father was stunned by this man's approach. He stuck to his opinion. He informed me that children didn't set fires unless they were angry and abused. Again I told him he was misinformed. Regardless it did not matter. They are the law and you must abide by their rules. He made an appointment for me with a place that deals with adolescents. I was terrified. Michael was only four and he was going to have to be interviewed and from this they would decide whether or not I got to keep him and the rest of my children.

I am happy to say that the doctor that interviewed him found him to be a normal child. She was a little upset when I explained that I did not believe he had any anger issues. She looked at me and said, "The only reason you are here is because the fire department insisted on you bringing him?" I explained everything. She abruptly stood up and said, "I'll be right back." She left Michael and I in the room. She came back in about 10 minutes and informed me that we were done and sent us on our way. The Department of Children Services never contacted me over this incident.

All of my children will tell you that an Army of Angels saved me. I did not know until a year later that those kids had watched outside of the window and cried thinking I was going to die. The good news is not one of them thinks that fire is something to play with. The most amazing thing Michael said in the interview with that lady was that fires can get big! He was harder to understand back then so she had asked him to explain again. He told her he tried to punch the fire out but it just got bigger and bigger.

If you had seen the hose I fought the fire with you would have to admit that me putting out a 3 alarm fire with that thing was nothing short of a miracle. As long as I live I'll never forget being lifted off the floor and filled with breath. I coughed up black tar from my lungs for over a week. Everything smelled like a musty camp fire for days.

Mike blamed me for the fire. It broke my heart that he had no compassion at all for what I'd been through. He didn't even hug or kiss me. He was upset that he had to be the one to tear out all the burnt walls and do the clean up and repair of our home. I was punished for this event taking place. He informed me that I was not a good enough parent. It was not a good time in our relationship. Things just went downhill from there.

I don't know why God felt the need to save me that day. I am just grateful He did. What I do know is this. Angels are real.

I hope this blog gives you cause to be amazed. It is my prayer that reading my story will encourage you to get into God's Word. He is using me . . . a murderer of unborn children to show you that anyone that leans on Him and believes in Him can make it into the Kingdom of Heaven. All you have to do is find your Faith. I have been a BIG sinner over the course of my life and yet God still loves me. I committed the ultimate sin of killing unborn babies. Not just one baby but two. ANYONE can be saved. You are required only one thing. Belief that Jesus bore the cross for ALL. I pray that my story helps you with this.

Blessings to All who read this and believe,

Wendy, Mom of Many

I Will NEVER!

Me and My Oh So Righteous Self . . . or not!

Be careful when you exclaim you will Never do something! More than I care to admit I have found myself doing the exact thing I was so righteously convinced I would NEVER do!

Just off the top of  head:

1. Spite God
2. Have an abortion
3. Give a baby up for adoption
4. Smoke
5. Drink
6. Do drugs
7. Be one of those girls who was the show at bachelor parties
8. Stay in an abusive relationship

Impressive list don't you think! Oh you know I have to address each and everyone of these because in all honesty I have done all of them and we all know there are many more lurking out there in the background . . . I'm sure the evil one will try to taunt me with any that remain! I'm amazed as I see the ink on the paper . . . am I really going to share all of this . . . I know the answer . . . Yes. I am. For you see it is all of my sins that I have committed that make it that much more amazing that God has called me to share my story. I pray for guidance and protection as I proceed. It is my focus to show you that all of us ARE WORTHY of God's grace.

I want you to realize I did all these things AFTER receiving the knowledge I received when I was young. Can you for one minute imagine being told you would be a mother to many when your own mother was the saddest darkest most negative person you knew on a daily basis? I wanted nothing to do with her life's path. I was told my first child would be a girl and I was informed that I would be young when I had her. I cried for I don't know how long. I wrote in my journal of what I was told and I began an outline of what kind of parent I would be. How I wish I had that journal to this day. I long to know what all I wrote down about that experience but my journal perished in a fire in the 15th year of my life. Regardless . . . sin number 1 was accomplished the year I met my first love. With his help I was going to outsmart God! I laugh about it now . . . but trust me when I say my sifting was just getting started! 

I must publish this before I lose my nerve . . . I hope you figure out how to find my posts . . . I am not the most brilliant with all of this tech stuff . . . I see that there is a share button and I trust I will get that education as I continue . . . as I have come to believe ~ God will give me all I need as I need it! Again, may your day be blessed.

Wendy, mom of many