That Was Then This is Now!

Today, my encouraging word was delivered from the book of Romans:

Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later. (Romans 8:18, NLT, courtesy of K-Love's encouraging word)

Wow. was all I could think for a moment. Today, my emotional heart is still fragile. How I long to be beyond this pain yet we all know that we don't just fly out of heartache. There is always a healing process. For now I am concentrating on being healthy so that I am healthy in all ways when my blessing from above arrives.

I am thankful that I know that those words of encouragement hold so much truth in them. How many moments in my past would I place under the listing of 'suffering'. Truthfully a lot of them. For instance, I have once again found myself in the shoes of single and pregnant. The first time this happened I was in my 20's and engaged only to find myself pregnant and alone. I ended up giving that baby up for adoption. All of this story is in my book: Here is a tiny excerpt from that chapter in 'You are Worthy Too: The Proof is in the Pudding'

Bruce was supposed to be arranging us housing close to his campus. He only called me a couple times to update me on the progress and to see how the baby and I were getting along before I received the next to last phone call I ever received from Bruce. 

Before I had a chance to even ask how he was doing, he said, "Wendy, I need to say this without interruption so just listen. I love you. I will always love you. This is too much. I'm not ready. My mom has moved and she changed her number, the college has moved me to a new dorm and they have been informed that you are not to have my new information. Don't bother my friends they know not to tell you anything. Good Luck." and he hung up on me.

I was frozen. I think I dropped the phone. Instantly my Aunt knew something was wrong. Through my tears, I shared what Bruce had said.

As that chapter of my life unfolds into the next, you begin to see what life is like when you don't lean on God. I am so thankful that this round I know who I am in Christ. While I am just as shattered to discover that once again I am not loved enough by the man I am with, I also understand that I am loved mightily by my Father in Heaven. I certainly don't understand what His complete plan is for my life, I am trusting in Him this round. 

I know He did not call me forth to share my life in a book just to have it sit in the publishing house. He is my provider. In my sharing my story, He has provided me a way to support my family. All I need is for the word to get out. I believe the time is right for that and it is my prayer that all who are reading my blog today are moved to learn more about what God called me forth to share. In my book you will discover much about me and my walk. I have not always been faithful to God, but He has always been faithful to me. Should you decide to purchase my story today for a mere $13.00, you will be blessing me and in return, I know there are countless blessings for you and others you may share my book with. 

I feel like I'm standing on the side of the road with a sign up saying 'Anything Helps' which is so ironic because I just wrote a blog around that thought recently, but sincerely, anything does help. I don't want a hand out. I want to make it on the talents that God blessed me with. Please consider helping me with that goal by purchasing my book, 'You Are Worthy Too: The Proof is in the Pudding'

In hopes of garnering your attention enough to do that, here is another excerpt from the following chapter:

As often happens when I deliver, things are not in order and it gets pretty crazy. In no time flat I gave birth. The doctor held up my baby and announced, "We have a girl." She weighed in at 9lbs 6oz.

I was taken clear on the other side of the hospital because I had requested not to be in the maternity ward. Lena came with me. When my nurse came to check on me, I asked if it was okay if I walked around.

She said, “If you feel up to it but be careful.”

I said I would. When she left, I looked at Lena and said, "I can't stand it. You want to go see her?"

She said, “Yes!”

We walked out of my room, smiled at the girls at the desk, and went around the corner right into the elevator. We went down and then across to the maternity ward through a tunnel.

The nurse in the nursery was just getting ready to feed her and she asked if I would like to give my baby her bottle. I could not stop myself. I had to hold her. I fed her, I admired her, and I sang to her. I inhaled her newborn sent.

Every fiber of my being wanted to keep her in my arms. Right then I looked up and my personal nurse was looking at me through the glass. She motioned for me to come out. She greeted me with a wheel chair and said, "Child when I said you could walk around, I did not mean for you to take a mile hike. You could bleed to death you know. We need to check your vitals.

** I promise my story has a message of hope for the hopeless, a laugh for those in need of laughter and most likely a tear or two for those in need of that. I have come to learn that crying has healing properties just like laughter does. Please help this mom of many by purchasing my book. In doing so, you will help  not only yourself, for we all have walked similar paths in life, but you just may bless those you purchase my book for as there are countless blessings in my book for those who read it.

Click Here to purchase "You Are Worthy Too: The Proof is in the Pudding" today. 

Father, today I thank you for the faith I have. It is hard to believe I am in somewhat the same shoes I wore 20 years ago. I am so grateful to understand how much you love me today for I did not know that back then. I thank you for opening the door for me when I knocked, what a journey it has been. While I have had moments of suffering, I have also had those moments where I witnessed what you did with that and I thank you for holding true to all your promises. I pray that the next phase in my life brings me to the things we talked about when I was so much younger. Have I really been having babies for 30 years now!?! You weren't kidding when you said I would be a mother to many. I thank you for my many blessings and ask that through my story countless others are blessed. May I be one of the vehicles you use to reach the lost. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, Mom of Many, walks with God.

© Wendy Glidden, 2015

The Aftermath

I know it has been a minute since I blogged about my past. The last chapter totally wiped me out. Who knew a heart could hurt so massively 22 years after the original heartache? For those that are just jumping in, my last blog ended with me going back to the hospital to hold Amanda Rose, the only baby I ever planned, one last time. It ended with me being told she had already been picked up by the couple I had chosen to be her parents and me in shambles. I would highly encourage you to start back at 'In the Beginning' if your interest is peaked.

**

I managed to make it back out of the hospital to my mother's car. I know today that it was by the strength of God that I was able to do so. When I got home I went to my room and bawled until I fell asleep from exhaustion. When I woke the next morning, I was instantly in tears again. I got up and walked into Cassy and Billy's room. I stood there for a moment and then I began tearing their room down. I dis-assembled their bunk bed. Ripped out the rest of the furniture and toys and then the carpet. It had never been tacked down in place so I rolled it up and took it out of the room as well. I then began painting the walls. By the time my mom got home from work, I had put the room completely back together. All of this 3 days after giving birth. I could not stand to sit still for then my mind went straight to Amanda and then I would begin crying all over again. I must have thought about  contacting the adoption agency and telling them I changed my mind a million times. That night I cried myself to sleep again.

The next day, I decided it was time for me to find a job. I had no car so I walked. First I went to Kroger and put in an application. I also stopped off at the Liquor store on the corner and filled out an application. After that I walked and walked and walked. I ended up at Glendale Mall and went to the bookstore. I gazed at the covers of a lot of books but I don't think my eyes actually read any of them. I was trying everything in my power to NOT think about Amanda and I was not having the greatest success. I walked back home before the sun set.

The next day I decided to walk in another direction and I ended up seeing a sign at a Dairy Queen asking for help. I went in, filled out an application and was lucky enough to score a job interview. The owner hired me saying it was based mostly on my smile. I thought that was so ironic because it was a fake smile. It never reached my eyes or my heart. Regardless, I was hired. I told him I could start immediately so I was scheduled to come in the next evening. I was happy to have something to help keep me busy so I didn't have to think.

Within two weeks of starting at Dairy Queen, I had an interview at Kroger. I had also had an interview at the Liquor store. I even went and took their test and got my Liquor License. I was hired there before Kroger but decided something about that job did not feel right so I called in to let the company know I had changed my mind and did not want that job. They ended up getting robbed the night I was supposed to work. I call that divine intervention. I did end up getting the job at Kroger. Now I had a job during the day and one at night. I offered to work as much as they could schedule me at both places. Cassy and Billy were staying with their dad for another 4 weeks so this was my chance to get ahead financially.

By the time Cassy and Billy were back home, I had purchased a bicycle for me to travel back and forth to work. My mother worked during the day so I had located a daycare I could afford. My mother agreed to watch the children in the evening when I worked. Everything was going according to plan. I was keeping myself so busy I did not have a lot of time to dwell on the emptiness that was enveloping me. Within a couple more weeks I ended up moving from Night manager to Store Manager at Dairy Queen. Ironically at the same time I was moved from Deli to 2nd Baker at Kroger. Now I was working from 10 AM to 10 PM at Dairy Queen. I would bike home, take a shower and get into my Kroger uniform and bike there. The next day I began my routine all over again. Up with the children, feed them breakfast, and take them to their daycare. I would then return the car to my mom, jump on my bike and go to work. I worked 6 days a week at Dairy Queen. I Baked 3 times a week at Kroger. I was keeping busy and that was the way I liked it. Within a month of holding the 2nd Baker position, the Head Baker quit at Kroger and I was moved up to her position. Now I was working three nights on, one night off and 3 nights on again at Kroger and still 6 days at Dairy Queen. At Kroger I was 3 day on . . . 3 days off. I began taking a drug for energy that I found in a magazine. The pills I ordered were called Black Beauties. They helped me stay awake on that 3rd night. I liked being so overworked for the mere fact that when I finally got the chance to sleep, it did not take me long to get there. I kept up this routine for almost 3 months! That was when my 2nd baker quit and instead of sleeping after working 72 hours straight, I had to go in to Bake. I don't know what I was thinking that night, but I ended up taking six black beauties that night. By the time my shift was over all I could think was how badly I wanted to go to sleep. I had that day off from Dairy Queen so it was my intention to go home and crash! I have to laugh because there is NO way I would have been able to go to sleep that morning.

I clocked out and headed out into the sunny morning. I jumped on my bike and headed home. I was speeding so hard on the black beauties that I was flying on my bike. I never saw that pot hole, but it stopped me in my tracks. I flew over the handle bars and landed in Keystone Avenue. The last thought I had was, "Man this is going to hurt". When the lights came back on, I found myself staring up at a man who was leaning down into my face. He asked me, "Do you hurt anywhere?" I managed to say, "My face." and tears began flowing from my eyes. He said, "It's bad but I have seen worse." My whole body hurt. In the distance I heard a women hysterically telling someone, she just knew I had broken my neck. I tried to turn to look at her but I could not move. I realized I was on a stretcher and was already strapped down. I could see a fire ambulance and channel 8 news out of the corner of my eye. The fireman got my attention again and said, "I am going to start touching you starting from your shoulders. Let me know what hurts." As soon as he touched my arm I winced. Without hesitation he cut the sleeve on my shirt. I also winced when he got to my hip and again, an article of clothing was cut. I could not believe I was in the middle of the street in basically my panties and bra with a news crew filming away. I lived 3 doors down from the firehouse. They knew who I was and my mom arrived within a minute of my coming too. They loaded me up in the ambulance. I told them I just wanted to go home and sleep but my mother agreed I needed to be checked out. They thought I had several broken bones.

I ended up having ex-rays for almost every part of my body on the right side. Turns out I only had taken a chip out of my skull above my eye socket, given myself a major concussion. Other then that I just had severe bruising. My eye ended up swelling shut and remained that way for over 10 days before I could get it to open a sliver. My face was so black and blue it was bruised for over a month. It is funny how many women will tell you, "You need to leave that man!" when you look like I did. I tried at first to tell them there was no man. I had done this to myself in a bike wreck. They would look at me with pity and say, "Honey, we've heard it all. You need to leave him." After about a week of this, I would just inform them that I had already left him.

My mom was so mad at me, before I even knew it she had taken my pills out of my room. She told me, "You gave up Amanda so that you could be the best mom you could be to Cassy and Billy and all you have done is work yourself almost literally to death." She was right. She insisted I pick one job and deal with my choice for my reasons had been well thought out.

I have no idea why I am crying again. But I am. I am at Play McDonalds with 6 of my youngest so . . . thinking I need to end this chapter here.

Today I pray for all who have heartache for whatever reason. I pray you turn to God and ask Him to help heal your heart. I pray you are strong enough to lean on others. I also pray for those who minister to the heartaches of others. I pray we always allow the Holy Spirit to work through us. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy,
Mom of Many

I'm Learning to Be the Light!

Good morning Everyone!! It's Tremendously Thankful Thoughtful Thursday ♥ I heard this song that talks about learning to be the light last night on my way to dinner with Brenda . . . it's how I feel . . . it's what I feel I am already becoming . . . So today I am Thankful for sisters and brothers in Christ. I am Tremendously Thankful for Grace ♥. As we go about our day lets be thoughtful of others. We all walk in awful uncomfortable even restricting shoes throughout our various season of life . . . today reflect upon that!

Here is the link to the song I was talking about! http://youtu.be/6bRMemJf5EQ

So here I was on my way to work this morning and I was thinking about all the cool stuff I get to do today. I hang out with my small group and we are studying Acts right now. I'm totally loving it. On Sunday we just started Hebrews. Two awesome encouraging books in the Holy Bible! For me the Good News proclaimed throughout the New Testament has been life changing. I finally get it. I am a new creation. I will have eternal life. I am forgiven of my trespasses. It's a new day! I will boast in that truth until my last moment.

How awesome to be able to spread the good news. Especially when it comes to a sinner like me. I used to shrink when people would say something about me being a Saint due to all the children I have had. It made me feel like such a fraud. I felt nothing like a Saint for decades. I was my biggest critic. I gave the evil one plenty of ammunition to fire against me.

Nothing like helping the destroyer of lives destroy you! Now when I find myself shrinking from something or having a moment of fear I swell with confidence. I say, "Oh. . . Satan . . . man you are good. You had me for a millisecond and then I saw my fear for what it was . . . it's actually you being afraid of others seeing my light!"

I refuse to not live my life for Christ and that means I will face all my fears head on and with confidence. My God is Bigger than all else! So funny another one of my favorite songs (I only have a gazillion of them) just started on the radio.

 "The God of Angel Armies" here is a link for it:  http://youtu.be/VzIABaImiK4  yes it's looking like a music day isn't it?!

I guess that's a good thing. What is it that they say about music? Something like it soothes the savage beast. For me it helps light me up. I heard another tune today on my way to work that led me to know that today is the day I share one of my darkest moments. It's about how we don't fall in an instant . . . how what used to be black and white slowly becomes gray . . . and instantly I was flashing on my past and the song holds a lot of truth. I didn't change overnight . . . it was with each bad choice I made, I seemed to drift farther and farther away from the path I thought I was going to take. Over the course of time I had convinced myself I could never return to that path and that is when God began calling me home. I was shown the message of Grace and learned about the Truth of Jesus. With that being said, let's get these dark ages of mine on paper.

Before my divorce was finalized with Jeff I had let it be VERY known to him that I wanted no more children.  When I went in for my 4 week checkup after having William I had asked about having my tubes tied. It was then that I learned by law I could not have the procedure done until I was either 25 or had given birth to 3 children. I was so upset. I remember yelling at God about it. Jeff decided to have a procedure done so that he could not have any more children. He did this when we were separated. I remember telling him, "If you are doing this in hopes that we will get back together then it is for the wrong reasons. If you go through with this I don't ever want it to be thrown in my face. Understand this will not win my love." He claimed he didn't want anymore children. Two were more than enough. He went through with the procedure. I have often wondered how he feels about me having had all of these other children. Life is Ironic.

So, as I ended my blog titled "How I became a Single Mother" my divorce was finalized in December of 1989.  To me this meant I could freely date Jimmy. He was working at UPS and going to college so his time for me was short and usually at crazy hours. We had been seeing each other for about two months when I called over to his house to let him know I had the weekend off and it was Jeff's weekend with the kids. This was a BIG occasion! His father answered and was kind enough to inform me he was on a date with his fiancee. My world reeled. One of my friends worked at Apple Bees . . . I wiped away my tears and went up to hang out in her station. When I got there one of her fellow buds was working. He was a nice guy and he had been interested in me. He caught me crying and he put everything he had into cheering me up. Over the course of the weekend he hung out with me and we ended up sleeping together. It was the first time I'd ever had an orgasm. Blew my mind! I suddenly for the first time in my life realized what all the excitement was all about when it came to sex! Richard made me feel so special he was a great friend and a caring considerate man. We began hanging out the rest of the week when our schedules allowed it. My cycle should have started the following week but the time went by without a visit from Aunt Rose. I took a pregnancy test and it turned out to be positive. . .

This next truth is so awful I know it is what held me back from telling this story. I had been with two men in one month. I had no idea who the father was. It gets better, I was worried about how I would be judged for not knowing who the father was. It gets even better than that. Jimmy was white & Richard was black. Once the baby was born there would be no question. I was not sure I could endure the in-between of not knowing who the father was. Jimmy was engaged to another woman and honestly I had no desire to tell him I was pregnant and did not know if it was his or not. I did tell Richard about my dilemma. After all, he was my friend. He offered me an "easy" solution. He would pay for my abortion. Even though I knew it was wrong to take a life I convinced myself it was acceptable. At the time the mantra was "This is your life" or "This is your body and your life". It was an acceptable thing to do. I honestly want to puke reliving this because there was nothing okay about what I did. I knew life began at conception. I took the easy way out. In the long run it was something that would haunt me for years and years.

My friend Donna, the same Donna I ran away with and who I was beat up over, drove me to the clinic and stayed with me. The entire waiting room was full of women waiting their turn. You signed in and then you went and saw a counselor. I honestly don't know what the point of that was because there was no counseling. I felt like I was in some weird dream. I was called back to the room for the procedure and it was awful and painful. Worse than childbirth. It felt like I was being ripped apart. Now we know what happens to the baby inside of you during this process. I cannot tell you how Satan used that against me.

Richard came and stayed with me that first night. I howled in pain. I thought for sure I was dying. I know part of me wanted to die. Richard and I had been great friends. I used to wonder what ever happened to us. Now I know. I pushed him away. Looking at him was too big of a reminder of my deed.

Jimmy called me after my abortion. He had enrolled in the Navy. I was so mad at him I told him I had been pregnant with his child and I had fallen and miscarried. If he reads this blog of mine, it will be the first time he has heard the truth about this pregnancy. I was angry at him. At the time I blamed him for my emptiness. I reasoned, had he not deceived me, I would have never found myself weak and looking for love in all the wrong places. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying. This is Not an excuse. I am just showing how far I had gone down the wide road. I wanted him to hurt. That is not our purpose here on earth. However, it was where I was at by my own doing mind you.

This is just the beginning of my Dark Ages. I am not proud of my past decisions. I do KNOW that God uses all evils for good. I know he is going to use my pain to minister to other lost souls. I am going to be a willing participant in that ministry.

Today I pray for those who have made the same choice I did. I pray that you are brought into the light and shown the truth. I also pray for those facing the decision of what to do when you find yourself pregnant and it was not your plan to become that way. I pray you are touched by a believer so deeply that you never have to face the demon of regret. I pray for all who want a baby yet cannot conceive. I thank God for Christ. I thank God for Grace. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

I will leave you with one last song . . . it's the one I heard on the way to work. The title is "Slow Fade" http://youtu.be/dUa8FSVv5Ag


Wendy,

Mom of Many

Copyright © 2013 Wendy L Glidden. All Rights Reserved.

How I Ended up Pregnant with My 2nd Child

You know . . . I never had any counselling over the incident that happened that summer day when I was 14. The details can be found in the blog titled 'Grounded for Losing my Virginity'. If you have been molested in any way and you think that you can shoved it back into the recesses of your mind and locked it away safely, I am here to say, "It did not work for me."

As I mentioned in a prior blog, 'In Defense of My Step Mother' one of the gifts Chris gave me was the knowledge regarding breast feeding your children. I had every intention of breast feeding Cassandra until the age of 1. What I didn't count on was going into shock every time I breast fed her.

I had been on the program for Woman, Infants and Children at the time. When I went in for my appointment,  it was for Cassy and I. They checked both of our Iron levels and the results were not good. In a nut shell, I was not taking care of myself very well. I confessed to the woman what I was going through and she explained to me that I was not doing Cassy a lot of good. She thought that was most likely due to the fact that when you breast feed, being emotionally tied to it in the beginning helps with the flow of the milk. Since I was so low on Iron, I didn't have enough to give to Cassy through my milk. She insisted on having me change Cassandra over to formula for one main reason. My state of mind. I felt guilty for not being able to provide for her nutritionally.

For the life of me I cannot remember if that lady suggested I go to any counseling. If she did, I did not follow through with her advice. More than likely I would not have been able to get there. I was at a stage in life where I either had to ask for a ride or I was walking where I needed to go!

I snapped out of my funk soon enough once I stopped breastfeeding. I went right into a cleaning maniac. There was a Loft above our place and it had obviously not been touched for years. There was a broken window and even birds had been in and out of this place. Jeff's friend Jeremy had been crashing on our couch and he took a look at the space and thought it would be perfect with a little elbow grease. He helped me attack that room and in one weekend we had it blinging! He moved a bed up there along with his stuff. It was a win win. He was going to chip in on the rent and we had someone to help with errands.

Everything was great until the land lord stopped by. She had seen the fan in the upstairs window and insisted that we could not use the space even though it was on our side. Before I even knew what was going on, she and Jeremy were fighting about it. Needless to say, she informed me she was evicting Jeff and I over the incident. She had to have gone to the court house that day. We were served papers the next day. I was dumbfounded. She never even talked to me.

I think Jeff must have talked to my father about the incident. I'm not really sure how he got Chris to agree to it. All I do know is I was informed we were moving in with Chris and my dad for three months so that they could help us build a nest egg.

To say that it was weird to live under my parents rule while married would be an understatement. Jeff and I found a new place and signed a lease within 3 months as planned. We had $1000 in the bank when we moved into our new place. I thought we were really going to be okay. In less than 3 days of opening that account our balance went from $1000 down to less than $50! Turned out Jeff owed some bank money from before we were married. He had been served a judgement on it and when we put the money in our bank account. They froze the funds and took them. I was sick over it.

Our apartment was right in the middle of town. A new Gas America had just been built and it was 2 blocks down the road. On a whim I went and applied for a job. They were hiring for grave yard shift. I wanted that job so badly. Jeff only allotted me $40 a week for groceries and household needs. Even back then it was not a lot! I needed an income of my own. Grave yard would work perfectly I reasoned. He would have Cassy while she slept so I didn't have to spend money on a sitter. Next I found out about GED classes. I told Jeff that he and I were both going to go to class and take this test. My mother agreed to come up and sit with Cassy while we attended class. I am happy to say even with taking my test going on two days of no sleep I was 1 point shy of a full paid state college scholarship! Who even knew you could get a scholarship on a GED diploma? My teacher was so excited. I told her I did not have another $16 at the time to take the test again. She told me no worries, I could simply retake the history exam and pay only $4.00! I laughed and told her I would think about it but right now I didn't have the freedom to go to college. Jeff passed his test as well. To this day he happily will admit he is thankful I pushed him to pursue his degree.

We were young when we got married and to say we had a great foundation would be a lie. By March we had taken on roommates to help with the rent so we really had no time alone together. When you coupled those two things together I think looking back it was the beginning of the end. I'm not sure if there is any truth to the rumors I've been told years AFTER I divorced Jeff, but if they are true, he was turning to female friends for comfort. I do know this our relationship was on a downhill slide. I no longer felt any longing for contact with Jeff. Sadly we were getting to a point where I was being informed that I had wifely duties and he was not going to go without. Just trust me, "When it becomes a 'Duty', you better do something about it."

I was on the pill and had been since my checkup. The last thing I wanted was another baby. I was already thinking I needed to get out of this relationship. It's funny how abuse starts. It's not like one day they walk up and punch you. An abusive man has to beat you down before he beats you up the first time. You could easily say Jeff and I were in the "Beat you Down" stage of our relationship. I couldn't take the mental abuse so I left Jeff and moved in with my mother in June.

I was still working grave yard at Gas America at this time. Come May, I suddenly started having problems with my cycle. Planned parenthood thought perhaps my body had overcome the pill and I needed a stronger version so they changed my prescription. The next month same problem, so they changed my pill again. The next month I blacked out at work from excessive bleeding and they decided perhaps I needed to have an exam to see if they could spot any cause. So, there I was on the exam table that next morning. I will never forget the gasp the Doctor made. You know how many thoughts can flash across one's brain in a moment? A LOT! Cancer, a tumor, had to be something bad. Nothing I had thought of could have prepared me for her next words, "Oh my God! You're pregnant!" Have you ever heard your world shatter in a single second? I was floored. What she said next was even more shocking. "You're not a little pregnant. . . if I had to guess I would say you are about 20 weeks pregnant. Have you not felt the baby move?" I was speechless for a moment. . . still stunned I managed to say, "No. I haven't."

She then told me, "Well, I'm no expert, but that is my best guess by the size of your uterus." She went on to make the comment that I had a backward uterus . . . something about the position of my cervix . . . I felt like I was a million miles away . . ." I think I mumbled something like, 'Is that a bad thing?' She replied nonchalantly, "No, it's just they used to think girls with a backward uterus had a more difficult time getting pregnant. You kicked that theory out of the water!"

I asked her if she thought anything might be wrong with my baby since I'd been on the pill this entire time. She advised me to get into a doctor as soon as I could. As far as she knew there just wasn't any available information on that. She left the room and I numbly dressed myself. I felt like I was disconnected from my body again. Pregnant? How on earth could I be pregnant. I hadn't called on God in so long . . . I didn't reach for him now either.

Somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain I heard the phrase, "You will be a mother to  many."

** I think this is a good place to stop. I'm not quite ready to journal all I went through over the next 72 hours.