Landing on a Ledge

Isn't life funny. So much to do in a given day let alone a week. I have yet to blog on Mike and I. Takes a special moment to be able to drift back in time. I know everything is in God's timing and since that is perfect I do not let not getting something done in my time cause me stress. The words will come just as God wants them to.

I have opened but not had time to share K-Loves encouraging words the last few days. I find it fitting that they perfectly blend well together so I am going to share them in order beginning with Saturdays here all in a row on this Terrific Testimonial Tell All Tuesday. Let's see where the Spirit will lead!

Saturday 10/19/2013

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep. ~ John, NLT

Sunday 10/20/2013

Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.

~ John, NLT

Monday 10/21/2013

Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.

~ John 14:6, NLT

Tuesday 10/22/2013

I tell you the truth, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life.

~ John, NLT 

When you read the four in order doesn't it just make your heart soar? This last Sunday was an emotional one for me. We had the most incredible speaker. Just a humble servant of the Lord, but I believe she moved the entire room. I know she moved me. After already beating a cancerous tumor entangled with her spinal cord, she is now battling brain cancer and smiling about it. She would say something like maybe it is not cancer, maybe it is marital problems or teenage issues or whatever it is, it is not your biggest battle. That one was already taken care of for you on the cross. When you take that and combine it with those 4 quotes of scripture, what she was saying makes perfect sense. Sure what we walk through may be tough but if we keep our focus on the Lord we will make it through the valley and we will soar once more. Should we be at the end of this life and it is not planned for us to continue in this earth suit, it was always the end and we should not morn that, we should rejoice for the best is yet to come. When you truly wrap your mind around grace and eternal life everything truly changes. You can begin to live the abundant life that God intended you to live. 

I just heard an awesome song on the radio. As promised prior for those that cannot see the video on their device this song is titled "My Help Comes From The Lord" and it is performed by Chris Tomlin. 

My morning started out with a text from Mike expressing his love for me and that he longs to be married to me. That he never wants to be apart again and he is very sorry for not thinking before. I don't believe his problem was with thinking or not thinking. I believe his problem was with letting go and accepting that Jesus was Lord over his life. Mike giving up power to anyone was overwhelming to him. I just know it was. Then God striped everything out of his life in one fell swoop. Suddenly, he was without his family, his job and perhaps even his freedom. Now, even though he wants to, he cannot return. It is one thing to be behind bars and miss your family, it is another to be out walking the streets, working your new job, eating meals and be so far away from family you'd see them more were you in jail in your home town than where you are each day. Within his first week in Florida, he was picked up on a violation of probation stemming from 2006. Turns out when we left Florida with permission from his probation officer, with the condition to complete a class prior to May 6th, his probation officer did not get a copy of the class, so he filed a violation on him. Mike did do the class and amazingly enough even though seven full years had passed, I remembered where he had taken the class and they indeed still had his file available. You would think with proof of the completed class prior to May, 2006, the charges would have been dropped, but again no, he goes to court on October 29, 2013. His original probation officer wants 60 days in jail from Mike. That's what happens when you have to leave the state is what he has been told. I refuse to fret no matter what happens. If he has to serve 60 days I know it is because God needs some serious alone time with Mike and that is where they connected the first time. That is where Mike prayed to win my heart before he ever saw or met me. Sometimes you really do go full circle. All I know is with each passing day that we are apart Mike grows a little more and ironically while I too am growing, I am also shrinking. I just imagine how much better in all ways we both will be in the end. We had planned to get married for real on January 18th of next year, the ten year anniversary of our very first kiss, before everything seemed to go haywire. I love how we have come to realize what was truth and what was an attack from the evil one. What Satan intended to destroy has grown stronger. It very much reminds me of the story in Acts of the first church. Time and time again the evil one attacked and out of evil, every time, good was produced and things flourished. I know God uses all evils for good and I have come to love His ways. I could never change Mike or make him grow up myself, but God can do all things. I am thrilled that I had enough Faith in Him to finally let Mike go completely. Look at the fruit that is being produced in the end. 

With that being said, I am reminded of how I fell on that ledge the first time where Mike is concerned. If you have read my first two chapters regarding us, 'How I Fell In Love With Mike' and 'Dissed, Disowned, Disgraced and Darn Near Destitute' you know at this point in our relationship I was madly in love with Mike and was seeming to fall down this never ending mountain day after day and then Wham, it happened. I had a warning that trouble was ahead. The same voice that warned me I would lose my money, asked a simple but gigantic question as I unlocked the doors of the van after I had just walked out of a W.I.C. appointment in Grand Junction Colorado, "What are you going to do when Mike runs into Heather?" It came out of nowhere and literally stopped me in my tracks. I had Tia, Travis and the twins with me at the time and I just halted  in the process of getting everyone loaded up into the car. I asked the question out loud myself and instantly I knew the answer. I would have to let him go. I couldn't shake the feeling or the thought that Mike might not truly be mine after all. But that night, as he wrapped me into his arms, I let that voice fall to the back of my head and tumbled down the mountain side once again deciding I was going to lavish up this love for as long as it was mine. A mere month later I was in the same building with everyone and we were applying for job assistance. Mike said he had to go to the bathroom and he went off on his own. When he returned he was clasping a white piece of paper in his hands. He sat down beside me looking almost ill and when I asked him what was wrong, he said, "I ran into Heather. She gave me her number." I didn't breath. He handed me the paper. I feebly laughed and said, "As if you don't have the number memorized already." He said, "No, I didn't even look at it. She told me I was welcome to come to her as long as I left you and the twins. She is not into children." I was surprised to say the least. I took the number and threw it in the trash hoping silently that that was the end of it. 

** Pausing for a moment to play catch up. The twins were born in Florida. From a heartbeat of almost living on the street, Mike landed a job and through it I landed a babysitting job. The owner of his restaurant had four children needing to be cared for and that fell to me. I never got paid, but we were provided a one bedroom condo in exchange. Sadly shortly before the twins were born it was discovered that this man was corrupt. The restaurant closed and Mike and I quickly managed to get into a two bedroom trailer a few weeks before the twins arrived. Mike found another job as a cook at another restaurant but it was obvious he was not happy. When the twins came, Mike's mom was out of the state so, a friend of Mike's had his wife help us out by staying at our home when we had to go to the hospital so that Tia and Travis were taken care of. Mike let me down a little by getting drunk the night the twins were born. He barely made it back to the hospital that night. He claimed the surgery was too awful for him to stomach and he had to drink to get over it. As I lay recovering from a C-section where I was literally cut and then ripped apart due to the doctor needing more room to get the babies out, Mike was in my bathroom throwing up. He did not have the proper identification to be allowed to sign the girls birth certificate so, to this day he is not listed as their father although they both have his last name. We only stayed in Florida through October. Mike quit his job, we sold all we had, packed up all we could and headed off to Grand Junction, Colorado to go live with his best friend from his childhood, Mike Stark, and that is how we ended up in Colorado. Back to the story.

Less than a week after Mike had his run in with Heather, Mike's best friend who I will call Stark and his girlfriend began arguing over trust issues and somehow it came out of the closet that Mike had all but cheated on me the night the girls were born. Turns out the girl I entrusted to care for my children and drive Mike around as he did not have a valid license at the time and I did not want him getting in trouble in Florida thought they deserved a little fun. She got him drunk and attempted to have sex with him in my van right outside the hospital in the parking lot. No wonder Mike was so sick. As the details came out I found myself barely able to breath. This is when I landed on that ledge and had the air smacked right out of me. My world was spinning so fast I wanted to puke myself. Suddenly I understood what was going on. Like a light was flashed in my head. I looked at him and said, "You are trying to start a fight with me so that you can go to Heather. There is no need for that. Call her, Go to her. I will be okay." It was all I could do to hold myself together and even in reliving, it is so very very very painful. Thinking he might leave me for Heather, his first love was one thing. Thinking he let me lie crying for him in a hospital bed while he considered sleeping with just another girl with no meaning behind her at all had rocked my world. I wept for real that night as he slept. 

Things at his friends house were falling apart rather quickly with the fighting and we moved out of there and ended up in a homeless shelter when they had room and on the streets when they did not. Life was rough to say the least. Tia and Travis were acting out badly demanding they get their dad back. Mike was miserable torn between old and new loves. I could feel his heart was not completely mine and it hurt. As night dawned in the homeless shelter and the children were asleep he reached for me. He pulled me into his arms and attempted to kiss me. I turned my head from him. I know he was surprised by my move. I simply said, "You love someone else, I cannot kiss you." Again I wept myself to sleep. 

The next night Mike insisted we stay out of the shelter so we could talk things out. We did. In the end he decided he did not want to be without his babies and he decided he loved me and Heather had been nothing but a girl who played games with him through out their relationship and he decided he wanted to stay with me. Regardless, looking back, so much damage had been done to my heart. Within one month, I had a pretty good wall built around my heart. So much for someone praying for you meant they would do everything in their power to show you their love every day and would never stray. I no longer felt secure in Mike's love for me. It was a very big pivotal point in our relationship. 

The words have stopped flowing and that may be due to these crazy tears streaming down my face. Mike and I truly are back at the beginning. I am by myself in Indiana raising ironically five children again on my own just like I was when Mike and I finally got together. He is in Florida and praying for me again. He may even come back to me from behind bars like the first time. Ten years later we get to start over only this time we have the best foundation. Our love is built with Christ as our Center, our foundation. Who could pull off something as unbelievable as that but God Himself? Of course He has been involved in our love affair from the very beginning. 

As I wipe my eyes, I am happy to have this chapter behind me once and for all. Mike knew I was going to write on it. He asked the other night, "No way around it eh?" I laughed and said, "No" In sharing there will be healing and indeed there is. Love truly is the greatest of all:

1 Corinthians 13:13: Faith, Hope & Love. The Greatest of These is Love

Father, today I come before you and ask you to lift all those in a relationship that are struggling with Faith and love and hope and hard times. Let them see and feel your love. Help them see that to survive and flourish they must invite you in. When you keep your focus on Jesus it will change the way you talk to and treat one another. Even if only one of them is openly seeking you Father like I was, lift them and fill their faith like you did me Father. Help them be so bright their partner will seek your light as well. Should their be children in the mix Father fill these babies with your love and guidance. Shelter them under your wings. Let them know it's not about them at all father. Be the parent that we hurting parents are not able to always be. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

The Aftermath

I know it has been a minute since I blogged about my past. The last chapter totally wiped me out. Who knew a heart could hurt so massively 22 years after the original heartache? For those that are just jumping in, my last blog ended with me going back to the hospital to hold Amanda Rose, the only baby I ever planned, one last time. It ended with me being told she had already been picked up by the couple I had chosen to be her parents and me in shambles. I would highly encourage you to start back at 'In the Beginning' if your interest is peaked.

**

I managed to make it back out of the hospital to my mother's car. I know today that it was by the strength of God that I was able to do so. When I got home I went to my room and bawled until I fell asleep from exhaustion. When I woke the next morning, I was instantly in tears again. I got up and walked into Cassy and Billy's room. I stood there for a moment and then I began tearing their room down. I dis-assembled their bunk bed. Ripped out the rest of the furniture and toys and then the carpet. It had never been tacked down in place so I rolled it up and took it out of the room as well. I then began painting the walls. By the time my mom got home from work, I had put the room completely back together. All of this 3 days after giving birth. I could not stand to sit still for then my mind went straight to Amanda and then I would begin crying all over again. I must have thought about  contacting the adoption agency and telling them I changed my mind a million times. That night I cried myself to sleep again.

The next day, I decided it was time for me to find a job. I had no car so I walked. First I went to Kroger and put in an application. I also stopped off at the Liquor store on the corner and filled out an application. After that I walked and walked and walked. I ended up at Glendale Mall and went to the bookstore. I gazed at the covers of a lot of books but I don't think my eyes actually read any of them. I was trying everything in my power to NOT think about Amanda and I was not having the greatest success. I walked back home before the sun set.

The next day I decided to walk in another direction and I ended up seeing a sign at a Dairy Queen asking for help. I went in, filled out an application and was lucky enough to score a job interview. The owner hired me saying it was based mostly on my smile. I thought that was so ironic because it was a fake smile. It never reached my eyes or my heart. Regardless, I was hired. I told him I could start immediately so I was scheduled to come in the next evening. I was happy to have something to help keep me busy so I didn't have to think.

Within two weeks of starting at Dairy Queen, I had an interview at Kroger. I had also had an interview at the Liquor store. I even went and took their test and got my Liquor License. I was hired there before Kroger but decided something about that job did not feel right so I called in to let the company know I had changed my mind and did not want that job. They ended up getting robbed the night I was supposed to work. I call that divine intervention. I did end up getting the job at Kroger. Now I had a job during the day and one at night. I offered to work as much as they could schedule me at both places. Cassy and Billy were staying with their dad for another 4 weeks so this was my chance to get ahead financially.

By the time Cassy and Billy were back home, I had purchased a bicycle for me to travel back and forth to work. My mother worked during the day so I had located a daycare I could afford. My mother agreed to watch the children in the evening when I worked. Everything was going according to plan. I was keeping myself so busy I did not have a lot of time to dwell on the emptiness that was enveloping me. Within a couple more weeks I ended up moving from Night manager to Store Manager at Dairy Queen. Ironically at the same time I was moved from Deli to 2nd Baker at Kroger. Now I was working from 10 AM to 10 PM at Dairy Queen. I would bike home, take a shower and get into my Kroger uniform and bike there. The next day I began my routine all over again. Up with the children, feed them breakfast, and take them to their daycare. I would then return the car to my mom, jump on my bike and go to work. I worked 6 days a week at Dairy Queen. I Baked 3 times a week at Kroger. I was keeping busy and that was the way I liked it. Within a month of holding the 2nd Baker position, the Head Baker quit at Kroger and I was moved up to her position. Now I was working three nights on, one night off and 3 nights on again at Kroger and still 6 days at Dairy Queen. At Kroger I was 3 day on . . . 3 days off. I began taking a drug for energy that I found in a magazine. The pills I ordered were called Black Beauties. They helped me stay awake on that 3rd night. I liked being so overworked for the mere fact that when I finally got the chance to sleep, it did not take me long to get there. I kept up this routine for almost 3 months! That was when my 2nd baker quit and instead of sleeping after working 72 hours straight, I had to go in to Bake. I don't know what I was thinking that night, but I ended up taking six black beauties that night. By the time my shift was over all I could think was how badly I wanted to go to sleep. I had that day off from Dairy Queen so it was my intention to go home and crash! I have to laugh because there is NO way I would have been able to go to sleep that morning.

I clocked out and headed out into the sunny morning. I jumped on my bike and headed home. I was speeding so hard on the black beauties that I was flying on my bike. I never saw that pot hole, but it stopped me in my tracks. I flew over the handle bars and landed in Keystone Avenue. The last thought I had was, "Man this is going to hurt". When the lights came back on, I found myself staring up at a man who was leaning down into my face. He asked me, "Do you hurt anywhere?" I managed to say, "My face." and tears began flowing from my eyes. He said, "It's bad but I have seen worse." My whole body hurt. In the distance I heard a women hysterically telling someone, she just knew I had broken my neck. I tried to turn to look at her but I could not move. I realized I was on a stretcher and was already strapped down. I could see a fire ambulance and channel 8 news out of the corner of my eye. The fireman got my attention again and said, "I am going to start touching you starting from your shoulders. Let me know what hurts." As soon as he touched my arm I winced. Without hesitation he cut the sleeve on my shirt. I also winced when he got to my hip and again, an article of clothing was cut. I could not believe I was in the middle of the street in basically my panties and bra with a news crew filming away. I lived 3 doors down from the firehouse. They knew who I was and my mom arrived within a minute of my coming too. They loaded me up in the ambulance. I told them I just wanted to go home and sleep but my mother agreed I needed to be checked out. They thought I had several broken bones.

I ended up having ex-rays for almost every part of my body on the right side. Turns out I only had taken a chip out of my skull above my eye socket, given myself a major concussion. Other then that I just had severe bruising. My eye ended up swelling shut and remained that way for over 10 days before I could get it to open a sliver. My face was so black and blue it was bruised for over a month. It is funny how many women will tell you, "You need to leave that man!" when you look like I did. I tried at first to tell them there was no man. I had done this to myself in a bike wreck. They would look at me with pity and say, "Honey, we've heard it all. You need to leave him." After about a week of this, I would just inform them that I had already left him.

My mom was so mad at me, before I even knew it she had taken my pills out of my room. She told me, "You gave up Amanda so that you could be the best mom you could be to Cassy and Billy and all you have done is work yourself almost literally to death." She was right. She insisted I pick one job and deal with my choice for my reasons had been well thought out.

I have no idea why I am crying again. But I am. I am at Play McDonalds with 6 of my youngest so . . . thinking I need to end this chapter here.

Today I pray for all who have heartache for whatever reason. I pray you turn to God and ask Him to help heal your heart. I pray you are strong enough to lean on others. I also pray for those who minister to the heartaches of others. I pray we always allow the Holy Spirit to work through us. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy,
Mom of Many

Saying Goodbye To Amanda Rose Glidden

My last blog titled "The Only Baby I Ever Planned" ended  with me having a meeting with my first choice when it came to the parents that would raise my baby. This was the last paragraph of that blog:     

                My baby's adoptive mom looked at me and asked if I knew the gender and I told

                her no. She confided she would love a little girl but would be just as thrilled with

                a little boy. She was beaming as if she were carrying my child inside of her. She

                next asked if I'd be okay with her touching my stomach and I said she could. My

                baby moved and she got to feel it. Her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Thank

                You" in the most sincerely loving way a human being could say to another human

                 being.

I only remember attempting to smile at her. What she said next, I was not expecting. She leaned in a little closer almost as if it was a confidential promise, "What ever name you pick will remain the name of your baby." My world rocked. I had not allowed myself to pick names . . . boys or girls. That knowledge sank in. I don't remember how I got to the meeting and I don't remember how I got home. It's all blank. It was late November / Early December. 

I tried to keep my mind off the baby as much as a pregnant woman can. I kept busy. My mom had a paper route . .. . 3 routes actually. All 3 of them were walking routes. Every other day I delivered the papers. It was part of my family duty. I enjoyed it. Fresh air. Exercise. I kept my mind focused on apartment buildings and who in each building got the paper. On Sundays we did the route together. It was good. One of the few times in my life up to now that my mom and I got along. 

My original due date was March 6th, my birthday. They moved it back to March 24th. I arranged for Jeff, Cassy and William's father, to take the children the weekend before my due date. I told him I would need him and his mom to keep them for 3 weeks. I woke up in labor on April 3, 1991, right in time for the paper route to be delivered. My mom checked my contractions and they were over seven minutes apart. My mom went to deliver the papers and I called Lena to have her come sit with me.

By the time Mom got back from delivering papers it was time to head to the hospital. We got there and checked in. I was settled into a delivery room. A nurse came in and asked if I wanted an epidural. I said I did as I wanted to feel NOTHING. She assured me I'd be able to push but I wouldn't feel pain.I was asked if I wanted to hold the baby after it was born. I said no. I was too afraid to do that.  I don't remember much about what we talked about while we waited. I remember someone coming in and checking on my progress and she popped my water. She stated that would speed things up and my mom said, "Boy will it ever". When she walked toward the door, my mom questioned, "Where are you going?" She informed my mother I was at least an hour away from delivering and she walked out of the room. Not even ten minutes later my mom ran out into the hallway to announce that the baby was coming and we needed assistance. As often has happened when I deliver things are not in order and it gets pretty crazy. In no time flat I gave birth to a 9lb 6oz baby girl. The doctor held up my baby and announced, "We have a baby girl."

I was taken clear on the other side of the hospital as I had requested not to be in the maternity ward. Lena came with me. When my nurse came to check on me, I asked if it was okay if I walked around. She said if you feel up to it but be careful. I said I would. When she left, I looked at Lena and said, "I can't stand it. You want to go see her?" Of course Lena did. We went out of my room smiled at the girls at the desk went around the corner and into the elevator. We went down and then across to the maternity ward through a tunnel. I would say it's a REALLY good Walk! The nurse in the nursery was just getting ready to feed her and she asked if I would like to feed her. I could not stop myself. I had to hold her. I fed her, I admired her, I sang to her, I breathed in her newborn sent. Every fiber of my being wanted to keep her in my arms. Right then I looked up and my nurse was looking at me through the glass motioning me to come out. She greeted me with a wheel chair and said, "Child when I said you could walk around, I did not mean for you to take a mile hike. You could bleed to death. We need to check on you come on. I gave Amanda back to the nursery nurse and climbed in the chair. 

I went back again and again to hold her and feed her. I thought long and hard about what to name her. I always loved the name Amanda and hadn't picked that before because Jeff's sister already had an Amanda. For her middle name I decided on Rose. It was my Grandmother's first name and I thought that she was as beautiful as a rose. I filled out her birth certificate and filled out the final paperwork numbly. I was informed they had received Bruce's sign off. I knew that they had found him for he called me only one other time than the time to tell me goodbye. He wanted to know if the adoption papers were the real deal or if I was trapping him into paying child support. I told him I was giving the baby up the papers were not a trick. I was shocked they had found him then but not when they told me he had signed off. 

I was released 24 hours before Amanda. I came back to hold her. I had kept my bracelet on. When I went back the second time thinking I would be able to give her one last feeding, I was informed I had just missed her by fifteen minutes. I fell apart. I am a complete utter mess as I type. I must end here for I feel as if my chest is going to explode out of my chest from such fierce pain. 

Today I pray for all birth moms whose hearts ache. May our baby's know we loved them. May they never doubt that. May we feel at peace with our decisions. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, 

Mom of many