Revenge is NOT Sweet!

What better day than wild wacky wonderful Wednesday to dive back into ones past. I had been on a pretty good trend of typing out my life events up until the time that I gave a baby up for adoption. I managed to squeak out the next post entitled "The Aftermath" and then one more where I had a back flash on why I believe Bruce left me before we made it to the alter. From there I jumped more to present time and various topics I felt led to write on.

Here lately though God has been flashing things across my brain again. I know it is Him doing it for while what I have to share gives me pause God has been making me giggle about it. Just like he did when I was to the point of having to share when I was molested on the side of the road at a young age of 14.

While that event was something I would have preferred to keep tucked away in the deepest recesses it is nothing compared to what I have to share about things I did of my own accord in my twenties. Free will. You just have to accept that sometimes we make really bad decisions when we cut ourselves off from the Lord.

So, where to pick this up. If you have read my blog entitled, "How I came to know God", you know that I had been caught smoking cigarettes as a child and punished for it. I had prayed to God when it came to facing my punishment from my father and had promised to never smoke cigarettes again as long as I would not be spanked.

So here I was, age 22, still alive but honestly dead inside. After my bike wreck my mother had forced me to pick one job and I had chosen Dairy Queen. I ended up dating a guy from work and within a couple of months he moved in with me. I threw a New Year's Eve party at my home for all my employees and a couple of my friends. I did not know that the guy living with me had made out with another one of my employees until the day he left me for her. Then as often happens everyone steps forward to share what they knew about the situation.

You could say what I learned made me angry as if I needed any help in that direction. I was so tired of being hurt by men I honestly was out to hurt a man myself.

That spring I did some really crazy stuff. Any guy that hit on me, I allowed him to take me on a date. I was not myself. I gave nothing and took what they had to offer. I was even a little mean about it all. I went out to eat, out to movies and then I would simply never answer their call again. I was just out to use them. After all, I figured in the end that was what they had intended to do to me.

All the while my irritation grew at my ex and my ex-friend. Yes, the girl that had taken my man was supposedly a friend. I don't know why I ended up doing what I ended up doing and in no way am I proud of it, but let's just dive into the heart of what went down.

I was on my way down to French Lick to pick my children up from their visit to their dad's when I stopped in at a gas station. I very badly wanted to be out of my head for a moment. I did not do drugs or drink at the time, but I recalled cigarettes would give you a funny feeling. In the heat of the moment I bought a pack and a lighter. I got outside opened them up, got one out and lit it. I remember looking up at the heavens and calling out, "I'm breaking my promise. What are you going to do about it?"

Of course no lightening bolt came down from heaven, so I got a little bolder and continued, "Just as I thought, absolutely nothing. I guess you are as done with me as I am with you." I muttered to myself. A big part of me seriously wished a lightning bolt would have struck me and put me out of my misery but one did not.

I never intended on becoming a smoker when I lit that first one for I hated everything about cigarettes, but I remained a smoker for two decades! At first I only had a couple at night but within that first year that changed to smoking at work, in the car and wherever I was.

Shortly after I began smoking cigarettes, I ran into the so called friend that had stolen my guy and to this day I don't know why I did what I did, but I know I did it. I re-friended her. I pretended that I was happy she and my ex were happy together and planning on getting married.

She invited me over for a hang out and I went. You could say he was surprised to see me. I played very non-nonchalant that first visit. Next, I was invited to a party they were throwing and I went hell bent on breaking them up. I'm not going to beat around the bush here. It was a party with drinking involved. Before the night was over I had slept with her man who was originally my man and then I proudly informed her of what had happened and I left. The next morning I woke up feeling horrible about the situation. I remember walking into the bathroom and clearly hearing the question, "So, tell me, is revenge sweet?"

"No," I answered to an empty room, "Revenge is not sweet, it is very bitter."

This was by far one of my least proud moments. I did not understand then why I had even done something so awful to another human being. Just because she had done it to me first did not make my actions okay.

Today, I know that I allowed my emotions; anger, resentment, jealousy just to name a few, to take over. This is all the evil one needs to use us against each other and use me he did. From here I just sunk further and further into the pit of hell as I refer to it.

I am happy to have told the truth about myself regarding being a home wrecker. While there were no children, these two seemed to be happy with their lives before 'wrecking ball Wendy' came in and knocked some holes into the walls!

My feelings about myself were reeled into even more darkness for this same man showed up at my house crying saying he loved me and wanted me back. He knew I was inside because my car was in the drive way. I know he did not truly love me, but I was freaked out by it all. I did not take him back. I didn't even open my front door.

I almost ended up going back to Jeff after this incident. I was so sure all men were rotten and I was beginning to believe I was under some curse for trying to out wit God and then not staying in my marriage that I thought I was supposed to go back to him and live with him until death do us part. I ended up seeing him a few times and very quickly realized I'd rather be dead then spend the rest of my life un-cherished and unloved than be with someone I did not truly love myself.

I guess this is as good a place as any to share today's encouraging word from K-Love:

Love each other deeply with all your heart. ~ 1 Peter 1:22b, NLT

Sometimes loving others means being kind enough to not lead them on or hurt them. I have not always been the best at this as I have clearly explained. I would like to point out that I did these things in a season of darkness. I am not proud of them but they are truths from my closet. Shoes I wore and stomped around in. Shoes I tried my best to wash off and stash in the back of my closet. No matter how hard you clean some shoes, the only true way to clean them is to come clean yourself. I believe this is what I have done. 

My advice to anyone dealing with rejection, heartache, jealousy, anger, resentment, or any other emotion not tied to Love, give it to God and let it go. Don't allow it to eat you alive, literally. The evil one loves these emotions. He will use you as a weapon. Don't allow that to happen. Trust me, revenge is not sweet at all. Twenty years later, I would love the opportunity to tell that girl I am sorry for my actions. 

Father, today I pray for all hurting hearts. I pray that they come to you and give up those emotions that bring no goodness with them. I thank you Father for taking me back. My outright defiance and rudeness to you would be acts undeserving of forgiveness but that is not the type of Father you are. I am so blessed to be so loved by you. I ask that you hold my hand as I go forward and continue to share more shoes that I never wanted to drag out of that closet of mine ever ever again. I know you are always with me and I know you are always faithful and I am so very thankful for that Father. As I see how far I have come I get choked up for in seeing I also see clearly the love you hold for your children. May more of my brothers and sisters also begin to see that truth about you Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Landing on a Ledge

Isn't life funny. So much to do in a given day let alone a week. I have yet to blog on Mike and I. Takes a special moment to be able to drift back in time. I know everything is in God's timing and since that is perfect I do not let not getting something done in my time cause me stress. The words will come just as God wants them to.

I have opened but not had time to share K-Loves encouraging words the last few days. I find it fitting that they perfectly blend well together so I am going to share them in order beginning with Saturdays here all in a row on this Terrific Testimonial Tell All Tuesday. Let's see where the Spirit will lead!

Saturday 10/19/2013

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep. ~ John, NLT

Sunday 10/20/2013

Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.

~ John, NLT

Monday 10/21/2013

Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.

~ John 14:6, NLT

Tuesday 10/22/2013

I tell you the truth, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life.

~ John, NLT 

When you read the four in order doesn't it just make your heart soar? This last Sunday was an emotional one for me. We had the most incredible speaker. Just a humble servant of the Lord, but I believe she moved the entire room. I know she moved me. After already beating a cancerous tumor entangled with her spinal cord, she is now battling brain cancer and smiling about it. She would say something like maybe it is not cancer, maybe it is marital problems or teenage issues or whatever it is, it is not your biggest battle. That one was already taken care of for you on the cross. When you take that and combine it with those 4 quotes of scripture, what she was saying makes perfect sense. Sure what we walk through may be tough but if we keep our focus on the Lord we will make it through the valley and we will soar once more. Should we be at the end of this life and it is not planned for us to continue in this earth suit, it was always the end and we should not morn that, we should rejoice for the best is yet to come. When you truly wrap your mind around grace and eternal life everything truly changes. You can begin to live the abundant life that God intended you to live. 

I just heard an awesome song on the radio. As promised prior for those that cannot see the video on their device this song is titled "My Help Comes From The Lord" and it is performed by Chris Tomlin. 

My morning started out with a text from Mike expressing his love for me and that he longs to be married to me. That he never wants to be apart again and he is very sorry for not thinking before. I don't believe his problem was with thinking or not thinking. I believe his problem was with letting go and accepting that Jesus was Lord over his life. Mike giving up power to anyone was overwhelming to him. I just know it was. Then God striped everything out of his life in one fell swoop. Suddenly, he was without his family, his job and perhaps even his freedom. Now, even though he wants to, he cannot return. It is one thing to be behind bars and miss your family, it is another to be out walking the streets, working your new job, eating meals and be so far away from family you'd see them more were you in jail in your home town than where you are each day. Within his first week in Florida, he was picked up on a violation of probation stemming from 2006. Turns out when we left Florida with permission from his probation officer, with the condition to complete a class prior to May 6th, his probation officer did not get a copy of the class, so he filed a violation on him. Mike did do the class and amazingly enough even though seven full years had passed, I remembered where he had taken the class and they indeed still had his file available. You would think with proof of the completed class prior to May, 2006, the charges would have been dropped, but again no, he goes to court on October 29, 2013. His original probation officer wants 60 days in jail from Mike. That's what happens when you have to leave the state is what he has been told. I refuse to fret no matter what happens. If he has to serve 60 days I know it is because God needs some serious alone time with Mike and that is where they connected the first time. That is where Mike prayed to win my heart before he ever saw or met me. Sometimes you really do go full circle. All I know is with each passing day that we are apart Mike grows a little more and ironically while I too am growing, I am also shrinking. I just imagine how much better in all ways we both will be in the end. We had planned to get married for real on January 18th of next year, the ten year anniversary of our very first kiss, before everything seemed to go haywire. I love how we have come to realize what was truth and what was an attack from the evil one. What Satan intended to destroy has grown stronger. It very much reminds me of the story in Acts of the first church. Time and time again the evil one attacked and out of evil, every time, good was produced and things flourished. I know God uses all evils for good and I have come to love His ways. I could never change Mike or make him grow up myself, but God can do all things. I am thrilled that I had enough Faith in Him to finally let Mike go completely. Look at the fruit that is being produced in the end. 

With that being said, I am reminded of how I fell on that ledge the first time where Mike is concerned. If you have read my first two chapters regarding us, 'How I Fell In Love With Mike' and 'Dissed, Disowned, Disgraced and Darn Near Destitute' you know at this point in our relationship I was madly in love with Mike and was seeming to fall down this never ending mountain day after day and then Wham, it happened. I had a warning that trouble was ahead. The same voice that warned me I would lose my money, asked a simple but gigantic question as I unlocked the doors of the van after I had just walked out of a W.I.C. appointment in Grand Junction Colorado, "What are you going to do when Mike runs into Heather?" It came out of nowhere and literally stopped me in my tracks. I had Tia, Travis and the twins with me at the time and I just halted  in the process of getting everyone loaded up into the car. I asked the question out loud myself and instantly I knew the answer. I would have to let him go. I couldn't shake the feeling or the thought that Mike might not truly be mine after all. But that night, as he wrapped me into his arms, I let that voice fall to the back of my head and tumbled down the mountain side once again deciding I was going to lavish up this love for as long as it was mine. A mere month later I was in the same building with everyone and we were applying for job assistance. Mike said he had to go to the bathroom and he went off on his own. When he returned he was clasping a white piece of paper in his hands. He sat down beside me looking almost ill and when I asked him what was wrong, he said, "I ran into Heather. She gave me her number." I didn't breath. He handed me the paper. I feebly laughed and said, "As if you don't have the number memorized already." He said, "No, I didn't even look at it. She told me I was welcome to come to her as long as I left you and the twins. She is not into children." I was surprised to say the least. I took the number and threw it in the trash hoping silently that that was the end of it. 

** Pausing for a moment to play catch up. The twins were born in Florida. From a heartbeat of almost living on the street, Mike landed a job and through it I landed a babysitting job. The owner of his restaurant had four children needing to be cared for and that fell to me. I never got paid, but we were provided a one bedroom condo in exchange. Sadly shortly before the twins were born it was discovered that this man was corrupt. The restaurant closed and Mike and I quickly managed to get into a two bedroom trailer a few weeks before the twins arrived. Mike found another job as a cook at another restaurant but it was obvious he was not happy. When the twins came, Mike's mom was out of the state so, a friend of Mike's had his wife help us out by staying at our home when we had to go to the hospital so that Tia and Travis were taken care of. Mike let me down a little by getting drunk the night the twins were born. He barely made it back to the hospital that night. He claimed the surgery was too awful for him to stomach and he had to drink to get over it. As I lay recovering from a C-section where I was literally cut and then ripped apart due to the doctor needing more room to get the babies out, Mike was in my bathroom throwing up. He did not have the proper identification to be allowed to sign the girls birth certificate so, to this day he is not listed as their father although they both have his last name. We only stayed in Florida through October. Mike quit his job, we sold all we had, packed up all we could and headed off to Grand Junction, Colorado to go live with his best friend from his childhood, Mike Stark, and that is how we ended up in Colorado. Back to the story.

Less than a week after Mike had his run in with Heather, Mike's best friend who I will call Stark and his girlfriend began arguing over trust issues and somehow it came out of the closet that Mike had all but cheated on me the night the girls were born. Turns out the girl I entrusted to care for my children and drive Mike around as he did not have a valid license at the time and I did not want him getting in trouble in Florida thought they deserved a little fun. She got him drunk and attempted to have sex with him in my van right outside the hospital in the parking lot. No wonder Mike was so sick. As the details came out I found myself barely able to breath. This is when I landed on that ledge and had the air smacked right out of me. My world was spinning so fast I wanted to puke myself. Suddenly I understood what was going on. Like a light was flashed in my head. I looked at him and said, "You are trying to start a fight with me so that you can go to Heather. There is no need for that. Call her, Go to her. I will be okay." It was all I could do to hold myself together and even in reliving, it is so very very very painful. Thinking he might leave me for Heather, his first love was one thing. Thinking he let me lie crying for him in a hospital bed while he considered sleeping with just another girl with no meaning behind her at all had rocked my world. I wept for real that night as he slept. 

Things at his friends house were falling apart rather quickly with the fighting and we moved out of there and ended up in a homeless shelter when they had room and on the streets when they did not. Life was rough to say the least. Tia and Travis were acting out badly demanding they get their dad back. Mike was miserable torn between old and new loves. I could feel his heart was not completely mine and it hurt. As night dawned in the homeless shelter and the children were asleep he reached for me. He pulled me into his arms and attempted to kiss me. I turned my head from him. I know he was surprised by my move. I simply said, "You love someone else, I cannot kiss you." Again I wept myself to sleep. 

The next night Mike insisted we stay out of the shelter so we could talk things out. We did. In the end he decided he did not want to be without his babies and he decided he loved me and Heather had been nothing but a girl who played games with him through out their relationship and he decided he wanted to stay with me. Regardless, looking back, so much damage had been done to my heart. Within one month, I had a pretty good wall built around my heart. So much for someone praying for you meant they would do everything in their power to show you their love every day and would never stray. I no longer felt secure in Mike's love for me. It was a very big pivotal point in our relationship. 

The words have stopped flowing and that may be due to these crazy tears streaming down my face. Mike and I truly are back at the beginning. I am by myself in Indiana raising ironically five children again on my own just like I was when Mike and I finally got together. He is in Florida and praying for me again. He may even come back to me from behind bars like the first time. Ten years later we get to start over only this time we have the best foundation. Our love is built with Christ as our Center, our foundation. Who could pull off something as unbelievable as that but God Himself? Of course He has been involved in our love affair from the very beginning. 

As I wipe my eyes, I am happy to have this chapter behind me once and for all. Mike knew I was going to write on it. He asked the other night, "No way around it eh?" I laughed and said, "No" In sharing there will be healing and indeed there is. Love truly is the greatest of all:

1 Corinthians 13:13: Faith, Hope & Love. The Greatest of These is Love

Father, today I come before you and ask you to lift all those in a relationship that are struggling with Faith and love and hope and hard times. Let them see and feel your love. Help them see that to survive and flourish they must invite you in. When you keep your focus on Jesus it will change the way you talk to and treat one another. Even if only one of them is openly seeking you Father like I was, lift them and fill their faith like you did me Father. Help them be so bright their partner will seek your light as well. Should their be children in the mix Father fill these babies with your love and guidance. Shelter them under your wings. Let them know it's not about them at all father. Be the parent that we hurting parents are not able to always be. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013