Landing on a Ledge

Isn't life funny. So much to do in a given day let alone a week. I have yet to blog on Mike and I. Takes a special moment to be able to drift back in time. I know everything is in God's timing and since that is perfect I do not let not getting something done in my time cause me stress. The words will come just as God wants them to.

I have opened but not had time to share K-Loves encouraging words the last few days. I find it fitting that they perfectly blend well together so I am going to share them in order beginning with Saturdays here all in a row on this Terrific Testimonial Tell All Tuesday. Let's see where the Spirit will lead!

Saturday 10/19/2013

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep. ~ John, NLT

Sunday 10/20/2013

Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.

~ John, NLT

Monday 10/21/2013

Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.

~ John 14:6, NLT

Tuesday 10/22/2013

I tell you the truth, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life.

~ John, NLT 

When you read the four in order doesn't it just make your heart soar? This last Sunday was an emotional one for me. We had the most incredible speaker. Just a humble servant of the Lord, but I believe she moved the entire room. I know she moved me. After already beating a cancerous tumor entangled with her spinal cord, she is now battling brain cancer and smiling about it. She would say something like maybe it is not cancer, maybe it is marital problems or teenage issues or whatever it is, it is not your biggest battle. That one was already taken care of for you on the cross. When you take that and combine it with those 4 quotes of scripture, what she was saying makes perfect sense. Sure what we walk through may be tough but if we keep our focus on the Lord we will make it through the valley and we will soar once more. Should we be at the end of this life and it is not planned for us to continue in this earth suit, it was always the end and we should not morn that, we should rejoice for the best is yet to come. When you truly wrap your mind around grace and eternal life everything truly changes. You can begin to live the abundant life that God intended you to live. 

I just heard an awesome song on the radio. As promised prior for those that cannot see the video on their device this song is titled "My Help Comes From The Lord" and it is performed by Chris Tomlin. 

My morning started out with a text from Mike expressing his love for me and that he longs to be married to me. That he never wants to be apart again and he is very sorry for not thinking before. I don't believe his problem was with thinking or not thinking. I believe his problem was with letting go and accepting that Jesus was Lord over his life. Mike giving up power to anyone was overwhelming to him. I just know it was. Then God striped everything out of his life in one fell swoop. Suddenly, he was without his family, his job and perhaps even his freedom. Now, even though he wants to, he cannot return. It is one thing to be behind bars and miss your family, it is another to be out walking the streets, working your new job, eating meals and be so far away from family you'd see them more were you in jail in your home town than where you are each day. Within his first week in Florida, he was picked up on a violation of probation stemming from 2006. Turns out when we left Florida with permission from his probation officer, with the condition to complete a class prior to May 6th, his probation officer did not get a copy of the class, so he filed a violation on him. Mike did do the class and amazingly enough even though seven full years had passed, I remembered where he had taken the class and they indeed still had his file available. You would think with proof of the completed class prior to May, 2006, the charges would have been dropped, but again no, he goes to court on October 29, 2013. His original probation officer wants 60 days in jail from Mike. That's what happens when you have to leave the state is what he has been told. I refuse to fret no matter what happens. If he has to serve 60 days I know it is because God needs some serious alone time with Mike and that is where they connected the first time. That is where Mike prayed to win my heart before he ever saw or met me. Sometimes you really do go full circle. All I know is with each passing day that we are apart Mike grows a little more and ironically while I too am growing, I am also shrinking. I just imagine how much better in all ways we both will be in the end. We had planned to get married for real on January 18th of next year, the ten year anniversary of our very first kiss, before everything seemed to go haywire. I love how we have come to realize what was truth and what was an attack from the evil one. What Satan intended to destroy has grown stronger. It very much reminds me of the story in Acts of the first church. Time and time again the evil one attacked and out of evil, every time, good was produced and things flourished. I know God uses all evils for good and I have come to love His ways. I could never change Mike or make him grow up myself, but God can do all things. I am thrilled that I had enough Faith in Him to finally let Mike go completely. Look at the fruit that is being produced in the end. 

With that being said, I am reminded of how I fell on that ledge the first time where Mike is concerned. If you have read my first two chapters regarding us, 'How I Fell In Love With Mike' and 'Dissed, Disowned, Disgraced and Darn Near Destitute' you know at this point in our relationship I was madly in love with Mike and was seeming to fall down this never ending mountain day after day and then Wham, it happened. I had a warning that trouble was ahead. The same voice that warned me I would lose my money, asked a simple but gigantic question as I unlocked the doors of the van after I had just walked out of a W.I.C. appointment in Grand Junction Colorado, "What are you going to do when Mike runs into Heather?" It came out of nowhere and literally stopped me in my tracks. I had Tia, Travis and the twins with me at the time and I just halted  in the process of getting everyone loaded up into the car. I asked the question out loud myself and instantly I knew the answer. I would have to let him go. I couldn't shake the feeling or the thought that Mike might not truly be mine after all. But that night, as he wrapped me into his arms, I let that voice fall to the back of my head and tumbled down the mountain side once again deciding I was going to lavish up this love for as long as it was mine. A mere month later I was in the same building with everyone and we were applying for job assistance. Mike said he had to go to the bathroom and he went off on his own. When he returned he was clasping a white piece of paper in his hands. He sat down beside me looking almost ill and when I asked him what was wrong, he said, "I ran into Heather. She gave me her number." I didn't breath. He handed me the paper. I feebly laughed and said, "As if you don't have the number memorized already." He said, "No, I didn't even look at it. She told me I was welcome to come to her as long as I left you and the twins. She is not into children." I was surprised to say the least. I took the number and threw it in the trash hoping silently that that was the end of it. 

** Pausing for a moment to play catch up. The twins were born in Florida. From a heartbeat of almost living on the street, Mike landed a job and through it I landed a babysitting job. The owner of his restaurant had four children needing to be cared for and that fell to me. I never got paid, but we were provided a one bedroom condo in exchange. Sadly shortly before the twins were born it was discovered that this man was corrupt. The restaurant closed and Mike and I quickly managed to get into a two bedroom trailer a few weeks before the twins arrived. Mike found another job as a cook at another restaurant but it was obvious he was not happy. When the twins came, Mike's mom was out of the state so, a friend of Mike's had his wife help us out by staying at our home when we had to go to the hospital so that Tia and Travis were taken care of. Mike let me down a little by getting drunk the night the twins were born. He barely made it back to the hospital that night. He claimed the surgery was too awful for him to stomach and he had to drink to get over it. As I lay recovering from a C-section where I was literally cut and then ripped apart due to the doctor needing more room to get the babies out, Mike was in my bathroom throwing up. He did not have the proper identification to be allowed to sign the girls birth certificate so, to this day he is not listed as their father although they both have his last name. We only stayed in Florida through October. Mike quit his job, we sold all we had, packed up all we could and headed off to Grand Junction, Colorado to go live with his best friend from his childhood, Mike Stark, and that is how we ended up in Colorado. Back to the story.

Less than a week after Mike had his run in with Heather, Mike's best friend who I will call Stark and his girlfriend began arguing over trust issues and somehow it came out of the closet that Mike had all but cheated on me the night the girls were born. Turns out the girl I entrusted to care for my children and drive Mike around as he did not have a valid license at the time and I did not want him getting in trouble in Florida thought they deserved a little fun. She got him drunk and attempted to have sex with him in my van right outside the hospital in the parking lot. No wonder Mike was so sick. As the details came out I found myself barely able to breath. This is when I landed on that ledge and had the air smacked right out of me. My world was spinning so fast I wanted to puke myself. Suddenly I understood what was going on. Like a light was flashed in my head. I looked at him and said, "You are trying to start a fight with me so that you can go to Heather. There is no need for that. Call her, Go to her. I will be okay." It was all I could do to hold myself together and even in reliving, it is so very very very painful. Thinking he might leave me for Heather, his first love was one thing. Thinking he let me lie crying for him in a hospital bed while he considered sleeping with just another girl with no meaning behind her at all had rocked my world. I wept for real that night as he slept. 

Things at his friends house were falling apart rather quickly with the fighting and we moved out of there and ended up in a homeless shelter when they had room and on the streets when they did not. Life was rough to say the least. Tia and Travis were acting out badly demanding they get their dad back. Mike was miserable torn between old and new loves. I could feel his heart was not completely mine and it hurt. As night dawned in the homeless shelter and the children were asleep he reached for me. He pulled me into his arms and attempted to kiss me. I turned my head from him. I know he was surprised by my move. I simply said, "You love someone else, I cannot kiss you." Again I wept myself to sleep. 

The next night Mike insisted we stay out of the shelter so we could talk things out. We did. In the end he decided he did not want to be without his babies and he decided he loved me and Heather had been nothing but a girl who played games with him through out their relationship and he decided he wanted to stay with me. Regardless, looking back, so much damage had been done to my heart. Within one month, I had a pretty good wall built around my heart. So much for someone praying for you meant they would do everything in their power to show you their love every day and would never stray. I no longer felt secure in Mike's love for me. It was a very big pivotal point in our relationship. 

The words have stopped flowing and that may be due to these crazy tears streaming down my face. Mike and I truly are back at the beginning. I am by myself in Indiana raising ironically five children again on my own just like I was when Mike and I finally got together. He is in Florida and praying for me again. He may even come back to me from behind bars like the first time. Ten years later we get to start over only this time we have the best foundation. Our love is built with Christ as our Center, our foundation. Who could pull off something as unbelievable as that but God Himself? Of course He has been involved in our love affair from the very beginning. 

As I wipe my eyes, I am happy to have this chapter behind me once and for all. Mike knew I was going to write on it. He asked the other night, "No way around it eh?" I laughed and said, "No" In sharing there will be healing and indeed there is. Love truly is the greatest of all:

1 Corinthians 13:13: Faith, Hope & Love. The Greatest of These is Love

Father, today I come before you and ask you to lift all those in a relationship that are struggling with Faith and love and hope and hard times. Let them see and feel your love. Help them see that to survive and flourish they must invite you in. When you keep your focus on Jesus it will change the way you talk to and treat one another. Even if only one of them is openly seeking you Father like I was, lift them and fill their faith like you did me Father. Help them be so bright their partner will seek your light as well. Should their be children in the mix Father fill these babies with your love and guidance. Shelter them under your wings. Let them know it's not about them at all father. Be the parent that we hurting parents are not able to always be. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

How I Fell in Love with Mike

Who knew when I called into the physic line I would really have part my future foretold exactly how it would come to pass. I never really believed in that stuff, but I had three free minutes and life was in an absolute upheaval. I was currently married to a man I'd been with for the previous 4 years. Because of his side business, our lives were turned upside down in a matter of a morning.

I knew in my heart that he had been cheating on me for the last year or so. I simply had no proof. I have never been one to jump to conclusions. I was more of a "give them all the rope they need to hang themselves" kind of girl. So, in a desperate moment, with my 3 minute free physic reading card in hand, I dialed the number listed. The girl on the other end asked me a couple of basic questions. When was I born was one of them for sure. I honestly don't remember what else she asked me. I can vividly remember watching the clock. Next, she informed me she was going to use tarot cards. I think she had me tell her when to stop shuffling. After a moment she said, "I see that you are married. Shortly after Christmas that marriage will be completely over. Before the next month ends, you will fall in love and you will be pregnant with twin girls. You will travel a lot in the first two years and things will be extremely rough on you. If you make it beyond these two years remaining together you will be together". I slammed the phone down. My three minutes were up.

 "TWINS!" I exclaimed out loud. Ha! I was not going to EVER get pregnant again. No way. My oldest two were teenagers now. I was a hop, skip and a jump away from finally being able to live my life for myself. The year was 1997. Rodney, my second husband, was currently on trial. His final court date was scheduled in March. He was looking at a lot of time but I had no grace where that was concerned. Had he listened to me, he would not have been in the situation he was in. I did take the time to locate the best lawyer for his case. I also took care of paying the lawyer. I battled his family regarding how they shunned him. I informed his mother that when you love someone you stand by their side through the mess not just the glory. I wanted to believe he had not betrayed me. Even more so when his lawyer said, "Tell me you kissed this girl. It only had to happen once and I can have this case thrown out.", and Rodney swore there was nothing ever between them. His lawyer did a great job and even though he could have been sentenced with a lot more, Rodney was placed on work release for 90 days and sentenced with probation for 1 year I believe. The probation may have been longer. I honestly do not know.

He was about 3 weeks into serving his 90 days when I informed him that I wanted a divorce. I had found and read the discovery report and I was positive he had indeed been cheating on me. He insisted we go to marriage counseling. He swore he had never cheated on me and we just needed to work out my feelings and emotions in a healthy way. I told him, albeit sarcastically, that since the issue seemed to be mine, I would begin therapy on my own and when he got out we could continue together. After a few sessions my therapist said, "You know Wendy, you have a really good intuition. My advice to you would be to listen to it quicker." I looked at her and she continued, "My philosophy is, "If it sounds like bull it usually is."

I took that line and went in to see Rodney at Goodwill in Noblesville where he was the store manager. I informed him that I knew he had slept with the girl he had denied sleeping with because his story sounded like bull. I said I don't want to hear anything else from you unless it's the truth. I am filing for a divorce tomorrow unless you confess everything. I turned leaving him in his office and headed back to mine. Rodney showed up at my office unexpectedly within an hour of me leaving him. He pulled me into another room, closed the door and confessed everything. I listened as I silently screamed in my head. I showed him not one ounce of Grace.This was the second time he had cheated on me. This cheating on me was made worse by the fact he had gone out of his way to beg me to be friends with this girl. That goes way beyond a little white lie. In my heart I knew it all along.  My mind did not want to believe it. The best thing about Rodney and I WAS our friendship. I had no idea how I would ever recover so, I refinanced the house, paid him the $5000.00 he demanded to set me free as well as gave him every asset we had collected together, minus the house, for my freedom.

While going through counseling, I was asked why I gave up basketball. I found it an odd question but Sue had a way of getting you to slide back in time. It was the first time I had slid back to that fateful day. The ball echoed in my head so loudly. I explained to her what had happened moment by moment as if in a trance. When I finished, she asked me why at 14 did I tell the man "Look there's my daddy"? I shook my head and said, "No", I said, "Look, there's my father.". She reiterated, "No", you said, "Daddy."  she then stated, "I think you were in a similar situation at a very young age and you reacted the same way you did the first time. Can you recall anything happening to you before say age 4?" I shook my head no, but was admittedly shaken by her analysis.

Seeing how I had no recollection of ever calling my father daddy, I went straight to him. I told him what Sue thought. He said he knew of nothing himself but thought I should live in the now and not ponder on things that may or may not have ever happened. You know how your mind works though. Mine did not stop attempting to recall.  Needless to say, this led to a flashback. An actual flashback. I was in the room. It was a single flash but it was enough. I was driving around 465 when it happened and I came to with the pedal to the medal aiming at an overpass. I managed, by the grace of God, to get the car under control. I was freaked out beyond words. I drove straight to Sue's and told her what happened. She said I needed to go see my family doctor to get a prescription. She was afraid with my type of recall I might accidentally hurt myself and she needed help with controlling my issues while we worked on my past. She mentioned that she would contact my family doctor herself to fill her in on what was going on with me.

My family doctor immediately placed me on Prozac. This little magic pill created a very nice warm fuzzy feeling at first. Kind of like a "life is good I have no cares" kind of high. I liked it. Sue, however, did not. She was visibly upset when she found out I was taking Prozac. That was not what she had wanted me on. I didn't know why it mattered. I was beginning to see Sue as a possible threat to my puffy cloud.

I had been on a bowling team that year with Kelli, my assistant office manager at the time, and her Aunt. They had a summer two person league opening up and Kelli's Aunt wanted to join it. Another couple that Rodney and I hung out with were bowling in it and I thought it would be fun. I agreed to be her partner. Rodney was still in jail at this time. Cassy and Billy had a couple more weeks of school left before they headed off to their father's for the summer. I thought this would be a perfect way to fill my time. Kelli's Aunt ended up getting ill and could not participate. Terry, the bowling alley's manager, had promised to team me up with someone. That is how and when I met Mark. I was without a care in the world. He seemed nice enough. He fed quarters to Cassy. Honestly, I thought he was a little on the feminine side. When that is your instant opinion, it causes you to put down your guard. I thought he was likeable enough. Over the course of the next few weeks Mark and I got to know each other a little better. He sold me a barrel of lies and I, feeling sorry for him, confessed my story.

Without knowing more than where I worked, Mark showed up at my office the weekend after we had participated in moonlight bowling with my friends that Rodney and I used to hang out with. It surprised me that he took the time to find my office. That was the beginning of our relationship. With my guard down and floating on a cloud, I began to feel sorry for Mark and the life he was living. He portrayed the picture of both a good father and a betrayed husband, a hard worker. He had 3 jobs when we first met. We had just begun dating when there was a close call in the family and the Brooks were heading to Virginia to pay Mark's grandmother a visit. Turned out they could really use my van and I could ride down with Mark and we could have a mini vacation. I went. I enjoyed the heck out of our time on the road. It was the first time I had taken two days in a row off work at Glidden Fence in 2 1/2 years. I was on such a high on the way home, I asked Mark to stay the night with me. He said, "If I stay tonight, I won't ever leave." I said, "That's fine with me." At the time Mark was working 3 jobs. I barely got to see him. I thought this would make things easier.

The next time I went to see Sue, I told her about Mark. She said, "Oh so you have found yourself a night in shinning armor to save the day." I denied what she said and left her office more irked at her than I had been prior. Prozac is a dangerous "cure" for those struggling with emotional issues.

I'm not sure what was the cause to my birth control not working. I often wondered if it had to do with the Prozac. After not conceiving a child through my entire time with Rodney, I suddenly found myself pregnant by Mark. I instantly recalled my fortune reading. I cannot tell you how badly I freaked out when I realized I was pregnant. After all, I left Rodney in March of 1998. I reasoned that March was shortly after Christmas. I had found myself entangled in another relationship by the end of July and granted it was more like two months later that I found myself pregnant, it still sounded eerily close to the truth. After all, I reasoned, those physics aren't exact to a T in what they tell you. As it turned out I was only pregnant with one girl. Not twins. Mark and I did travel a little in the first two years and I convinced myself that if he could just conquer his drinking problem all would be well. Sadly, I honestly thought if I could help him have Faith in God that I would be excused from all my sins. How I wish I knew then what I know now about "works".

Mark putting down the bottle and turning to God never happened. I imagine I will blog on those chapters of my life as well, but for now, I needed to set the scene for how my relationship with Mike came to be. As God led me to blog on both prayers and keeping your focus on Christ, He did the same with my life story. You see with both those blogs, when I sat down to write them, I knew in order to blog on what God had excited me about, I needed to go back a chapter to do justice to the verse. In this same way, God excited me with 4 titles: "Exciting, no doubt about it, God was there" chapters of my life with Mike. Only to discover that when I sat down last night to blog about one of them, I could not jump right in. I was going to have to start with chapters I did not care for. I must admit I am happy to have this part of my life's story mostly behind me. I am sure details will be added later. For now the above synopsis will suffice.

The first day I met Mike was August 3, 2003. He walked through my door with his father. I was informed I needed to get him an application form and a W2. He was our newest employee. Over the next few months we formed a friendship. I often gave him advice! I had no idea he had a crush on me.

That same year, Mark left me for another girl right after Christmas 2003. I honestly had no intentions of getting with anyone. Going from Rodney to Mark after Jeff, Jimmy and Bruce and a couple others I have yet to have even mentioned, had left me convinced men were all the same and not one of them was worth my time. It was January 14th when I awoke from a dream around 3 in the morning. In the dream, Mike had called out to me to give him a chance. He promised he would love me like I deserved. I literally sat up in my bed and said out loud, "Mike?" and went back to sleep. I could not get him out of my head after that try as I might. Every time I heard him in my head I would think to myself he is so much younger. I would tell myself I was delusional. January 17th, 2004, while I was waiting on William and his friend to come out of the hockey arena, I couldn't stand it another minute. I managed to work up 20 seconds of insane courage and I called one of the men to inquire if they knew how to get in touch with Mike. They asked me why I wanted to know and I simply stated I needed  to ask him a question. He told me to try Larry, Mike's dad. He thought he hung out there on Saturday night.

I called and Larry answered the phone. I asked him if Mike was there. He informed me he was and gave Mike the phone. As casually as I could, I asked Mike if he'd like to join me at my house to play cards. I told him we needed another player. He said sure but he'd need a ride. I told him no problem, I'd swing by and grab him on my way back to dropping William and his friend off. If he knew I was checking him out, he never let on. At the table our knees hit and I swear a bolt of electricity flew through my veins like nothing I had ever experienced. When the game ended, I offered him the couch. I walked him over to it and when I turned around he grabbed me and kissed me. I literally fell off a cliff. It was like nothing I myself had ever experienced. I swear, the ground fell out from below me.

When the first kiss was over,I asked him, "When were you born?" He replied, "Age does not matter."  I informed him, "I don't care about the year, all I need is month and day. He told me and then began kissing me again. I continued to fall. The next day, I looked up his date of birth in an astrology book and discovered his date of birth was one of six dates listed as being compatible with me. My heart was overjoyed. I continued to tumble for the next 10 months. Our relationship had begun. We were together every spare moment after that.

On February 4th, I knew I was pregnant. I had never felt so pregnant in my life. I took a test and sure enough it was positive. I called my OB/GYN and informed them. They asked me about my dates and suggested I come in for a blood test to make sure. The very next day, they called me and asked if I'd come in for an ultrasound. I thought this was premature but they explained it was a normal procedure due to my age and the dates of my cycle. I didn't think much about it and went to the exam myself. I was on the table and watching the screen in front of me when saw the heartbeat. The woman operating the ultrasound equipment move the instrument slightly and said as matter of fact and dry as possible, "That's what we thought. A second heartbeat. You are having twins." I was speechless. Suddenly I recalled my fortune. I knew they were both going to be girls.

I end here because I know what I am meant to share about this event. We are not meant to look in the future. We are meant to trust in God. My looking ahead changed things. I invested in an unhealthy relationship because I knew the first two years were going to be rough. The psychic had warned me about it. I mistakenly believed my fortune was coming true. I know now why we are warned against this type of activity in the bible. I did not know it prior but I so understand the importance today. When you peek into the future, you have no idea of what time frame you are peering into. That lady did not warn me about another failed marriage after the failed marriage I was already in. Who saw that coming? Not me. I considered her a fake by the time Mike walked into my life! After it was announced I was pregnant with twins it all came rushing back. She was dead on. That realization sent shivers down my spine. I no longer look at astrology books or call on psychics. I warn everyone to stay away from them as well. This is for your own protection.

Father, today I come before you and say thank you for so many blessings. I look to the heavens and am dumb founded that you take the time to pay attention to me. I am so grateful. So many of my fellow brothers and sisters are searching for an answer Father. I pray they are kept from searching it out through dark forces. I pray they turn to you Father. Keep them from temptation. Those who are battling past memories or overwhelming emotions, I pray they turn to you. I pray they stay away from these so called pharmaceutical helpers. You are the healer of emotions and heartaches. I pray more and more recognize the void they feel inside is the relationship they are missing out on with you. I thank you for Mike. I thank you for the life we have together. I thank you for his love for me. Even though some days he and I don't see things the same way, with you in the middle, we are stronger. Thank you for answering prayers. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013