Landing on a Ledge

Isn't life funny. So much to do in a given day let alone a week. I have yet to blog on Mike and I. Takes a special moment to be able to drift back in time. I know everything is in God's timing and since that is perfect I do not let not getting something done in my time cause me stress. The words will come just as God wants them to.

I have opened but not had time to share K-Loves encouraging words the last few days. I find it fitting that they perfectly blend well together so I am going to share them in order beginning with Saturdays here all in a row on this Terrific Testimonial Tell All Tuesday. Let's see where the Spirit will lead!

Saturday 10/19/2013

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep. ~ John, NLT

Sunday 10/20/2013

Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.

~ John, NLT

Monday 10/21/2013

Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.

~ John 14:6, NLT

Tuesday 10/22/2013

I tell you the truth, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life.

~ John, NLT 

When you read the four in order doesn't it just make your heart soar? This last Sunday was an emotional one for me. We had the most incredible speaker. Just a humble servant of the Lord, but I believe she moved the entire room. I know she moved me. After already beating a cancerous tumor entangled with her spinal cord, she is now battling brain cancer and smiling about it. She would say something like maybe it is not cancer, maybe it is marital problems or teenage issues or whatever it is, it is not your biggest battle. That one was already taken care of for you on the cross. When you take that and combine it with those 4 quotes of scripture, what she was saying makes perfect sense. Sure what we walk through may be tough but if we keep our focus on the Lord we will make it through the valley and we will soar once more. Should we be at the end of this life and it is not planned for us to continue in this earth suit, it was always the end and we should not morn that, we should rejoice for the best is yet to come. When you truly wrap your mind around grace and eternal life everything truly changes. You can begin to live the abundant life that God intended you to live. 

I just heard an awesome song on the radio. As promised prior for those that cannot see the video on their device this song is titled "My Help Comes From The Lord" and it is performed by Chris Tomlin. 

My morning started out with a text from Mike expressing his love for me and that he longs to be married to me. That he never wants to be apart again and he is very sorry for not thinking before. I don't believe his problem was with thinking or not thinking. I believe his problem was with letting go and accepting that Jesus was Lord over his life. Mike giving up power to anyone was overwhelming to him. I just know it was. Then God striped everything out of his life in one fell swoop. Suddenly, he was without his family, his job and perhaps even his freedom. Now, even though he wants to, he cannot return. It is one thing to be behind bars and miss your family, it is another to be out walking the streets, working your new job, eating meals and be so far away from family you'd see them more were you in jail in your home town than where you are each day. Within his first week in Florida, he was picked up on a violation of probation stemming from 2006. Turns out when we left Florida with permission from his probation officer, with the condition to complete a class prior to May 6th, his probation officer did not get a copy of the class, so he filed a violation on him. Mike did do the class and amazingly enough even though seven full years had passed, I remembered where he had taken the class and they indeed still had his file available. You would think with proof of the completed class prior to May, 2006, the charges would have been dropped, but again no, he goes to court on October 29, 2013. His original probation officer wants 60 days in jail from Mike. That's what happens when you have to leave the state is what he has been told. I refuse to fret no matter what happens. If he has to serve 60 days I know it is because God needs some serious alone time with Mike and that is where they connected the first time. That is where Mike prayed to win my heart before he ever saw or met me. Sometimes you really do go full circle. All I know is with each passing day that we are apart Mike grows a little more and ironically while I too am growing, I am also shrinking. I just imagine how much better in all ways we both will be in the end. We had planned to get married for real on January 18th of next year, the ten year anniversary of our very first kiss, before everything seemed to go haywire. I love how we have come to realize what was truth and what was an attack from the evil one. What Satan intended to destroy has grown stronger. It very much reminds me of the story in Acts of the first church. Time and time again the evil one attacked and out of evil, every time, good was produced and things flourished. I know God uses all evils for good and I have come to love His ways. I could never change Mike or make him grow up myself, but God can do all things. I am thrilled that I had enough Faith in Him to finally let Mike go completely. Look at the fruit that is being produced in the end. 

With that being said, I am reminded of how I fell on that ledge the first time where Mike is concerned. If you have read my first two chapters regarding us, 'How I Fell In Love With Mike' and 'Dissed, Disowned, Disgraced and Darn Near Destitute' you know at this point in our relationship I was madly in love with Mike and was seeming to fall down this never ending mountain day after day and then Wham, it happened. I had a warning that trouble was ahead. The same voice that warned me I would lose my money, asked a simple but gigantic question as I unlocked the doors of the van after I had just walked out of a W.I.C. appointment in Grand Junction Colorado, "What are you going to do when Mike runs into Heather?" It came out of nowhere and literally stopped me in my tracks. I had Tia, Travis and the twins with me at the time and I just halted  in the process of getting everyone loaded up into the car. I asked the question out loud myself and instantly I knew the answer. I would have to let him go. I couldn't shake the feeling or the thought that Mike might not truly be mine after all. But that night, as he wrapped me into his arms, I let that voice fall to the back of my head and tumbled down the mountain side once again deciding I was going to lavish up this love for as long as it was mine. A mere month later I was in the same building with everyone and we were applying for job assistance. Mike said he had to go to the bathroom and he went off on his own. When he returned he was clasping a white piece of paper in his hands. He sat down beside me looking almost ill and when I asked him what was wrong, he said, "I ran into Heather. She gave me her number." I didn't breath. He handed me the paper. I feebly laughed and said, "As if you don't have the number memorized already." He said, "No, I didn't even look at it. She told me I was welcome to come to her as long as I left you and the twins. She is not into children." I was surprised to say the least. I took the number and threw it in the trash hoping silently that that was the end of it. 

** Pausing for a moment to play catch up. The twins were born in Florida. From a heartbeat of almost living on the street, Mike landed a job and through it I landed a babysitting job. The owner of his restaurant had four children needing to be cared for and that fell to me. I never got paid, but we were provided a one bedroom condo in exchange. Sadly shortly before the twins were born it was discovered that this man was corrupt. The restaurant closed and Mike and I quickly managed to get into a two bedroom trailer a few weeks before the twins arrived. Mike found another job as a cook at another restaurant but it was obvious he was not happy. When the twins came, Mike's mom was out of the state so, a friend of Mike's had his wife help us out by staying at our home when we had to go to the hospital so that Tia and Travis were taken care of. Mike let me down a little by getting drunk the night the twins were born. He barely made it back to the hospital that night. He claimed the surgery was too awful for him to stomach and he had to drink to get over it. As I lay recovering from a C-section where I was literally cut and then ripped apart due to the doctor needing more room to get the babies out, Mike was in my bathroom throwing up. He did not have the proper identification to be allowed to sign the girls birth certificate so, to this day he is not listed as their father although they both have his last name. We only stayed in Florida through October. Mike quit his job, we sold all we had, packed up all we could and headed off to Grand Junction, Colorado to go live with his best friend from his childhood, Mike Stark, and that is how we ended up in Colorado. Back to the story.

Less than a week after Mike had his run in with Heather, Mike's best friend who I will call Stark and his girlfriend began arguing over trust issues and somehow it came out of the closet that Mike had all but cheated on me the night the girls were born. Turns out the girl I entrusted to care for my children and drive Mike around as he did not have a valid license at the time and I did not want him getting in trouble in Florida thought they deserved a little fun. She got him drunk and attempted to have sex with him in my van right outside the hospital in the parking lot. No wonder Mike was so sick. As the details came out I found myself barely able to breath. This is when I landed on that ledge and had the air smacked right out of me. My world was spinning so fast I wanted to puke myself. Suddenly I understood what was going on. Like a light was flashed in my head. I looked at him and said, "You are trying to start a fight with me so that you can go to Heather. There is no need for that. Call her, Go to her. I will be okay." It was all I could do to hold myself together and even in reliving, it is so very very very painful. Thinking he might leave me for Heather, his first love was one thing. Thinking he let me lie crying for him in a hospital bed while he considered sleeping with just another girl with no meaning behind her at all had rocked my world. I wept for real that night as he slept. 

Things at his friends house were falling apart rather quickly with the fighting and we moved out of there and ended up in a homeless shelter when they had room and on the streets when they did not. Life was rough to say the least. Tia and Travis were acting out badly demanding they get their dad back. Mike was miserable torn between old and new loves. I could feel his heart was not completely mine and it hurt. As night dawned in the homeless shelter and the children were asleep he reached for me. He pulled me into his arms and attempted to kiss me. I turned my head from him. I know he was surprised by my move. I simply said, "You love someone else, I cannot kiss you." Again I wept myself to sleep. 

The next night Mike insisted we stay out of the shelter so we could talk things out. We did. In the end he decided he did not want to be without his babies and he decided he loved me and Heather had been nothing but a girl who played games with him through out their relationship and he decided he wanted to stay with me. Regardless, looking back, so much damage had been done to my heart. Within one month, I had a pretty good wall built around my heart. So much for someone praying for you meant they would do everything in their power to show you their love every day and would never stray. I no longer felt secure in Mike's love for me. It was a very big pivotal point in our relationship. 

The words have stopped flowing and that may be due to these crazy tears streaming down my face. Mike and I truly are back at the beginning. I am by myself in Indiana raising ironically five children again on my own just like I was when Mike and I finally got together. He is in Florida and praying for me again. He may even come back to me from behind bars like the first time. Ten years later we get to start over only this time we have the best foundation. Our love is built with Christ as our Center, our foundation. Who could pull off something as unbelievable as that but God Himself? Of course He has been involved in our love affair from the very beginning. 

As I wipe my eyes, I am happy to have this chapter behind me once and for all. Mike knew I was going to write on it. He asked the other night, "No way around it eh?" I laughed and said, "No" In sharing there will be healing and indeed there is. Love truly is the greatest of all:

1 Corinthians 13:13: Faith, Hope & Love. The Greatest of These is Love

Father, today I come before you and ask you to lift all those in a relationship that are struggling with Faith and love and hope and hard times. Let them see and feel your love. Help them see that to survive and flourish they must invite you in. When you keep your focus on Jesus it will change the way you talk to and treat one another. Even if only one of them is openly seeking you Father like I was, lift them and fill their faith like you did me Father. Help them be so bright their partner will seek your light as well. Should their be children in the mix Father fill these babies with your love and guidance. Shelter them under your wings. Let them know it's not about them at all father. Be the parent that we hurting parents are not able to always be. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Keeping Jesus in The Middle!

Today is Tremendously Thankful Thoughtful Thursday. As I say it's full name, it makes me inhale deeply as I close my eyes and send a virtual hug to my Heavenly Father. Perhaps it is the word Thankful I placed in it that causes the surge in my heart. I will forever be thankful to God for everything. It's where I am at. I think it's referred to as rest. I am so much better about not fretting. I KNOW my God has it. Whatever ails me, or haunts me, I give it to Him now and it is my Faith that allows me to see the mountains placed in front of me turn to dust. I am blessed for such visions.

Today I am also thankful that I put God in the middle of my marriage to Mike right from the beginning. You see, if you have previously read the blog "A shotgun wedding" you know I never wanted to marry Jeff. I felt like I was robbed. Once divorced, marriage no longer held as much significance to me. So much so that I married my next two husbands for all the wrong reasons. I divorced them without guilt. I had never gone before God and requested his blessing on any of those unions. I never prayed on or over any of those marriages.

When it came to Mike, he was the first man I WANTED to marry. So much so that it caught me off guard. I wanted to be good with God where we were concerned. I remember standing with him, holding hands, looking at each other as we asked God to bless our union and said our vows to each other. We were in his mother's condo. It was February 14th. The same day Michael was conceived. While it may seem weird, I had never felt more married in my life. There was no license involved. There was no witness in the room other than God and the twins. When we finished our vows, my heart soared.

I truly believe Mike and I were meant to be together. I feel blessed to be loved by him. The major factor in me seeking God for help when it came to our marriage honestly has to do with the lack of love Mike was showering me with. It's not that he stopped loving me, it was that his heart was hardening. At one point in our relationship you could say he was so miserable, living with him was overwhelming. I saw so many blessings in our life. I would often ask him, "Why are you so miserable. Look at where we are, what we have together. We are blessed. How can you not see it?" He would all but snarl at me.

At one point I put his oldest son's picture in a collage on our wall. I thought his hardening of the heart was connected to the loss of that relationship. Having his son taken from him had hardened his heart so much so I feared Mike would never find his way to to Faith, Hope and Love. I encouraged him to get in contact with the mother of his child again. Due to how things had abruptly ended between them, Mike's entire family had honored the agreement between Mike's step-father Larry and Sarah. They all felt Mike did not deserve to have any contact with his son. His brother refused to give Mike any contact information. Knowing what I did about Mike's parent's pasts, I was astounded by the judgement and lack of love and understanding from Larry more so than Marie, Mike's mom. Mike's brother refused to give Mike any contact information. He and Mike have a unique relationship for brothers. Mike then begged his mother for a number or an address to write them. His mom, after having Mike promise he would not cause any problems, provided him with a number for a parent or a step parent of Sarah's. She reminded Mike to stay civil in all conversations. Mike called a couple of times and left messages saying he just wanted a chance to build a relationship with his son. No one ever called back. I encouraged him to not give up, but Mike was more negative in those days. He felt defeated in the matter.  This greatly impacted everything. When all seemed hopeless, I turned to God for help. I prayed fervently over it. If you have read my blog, "Show me a sign", you know a little about where our relationship was heading a few years ago. By keeping my focus on Jesus, I was shown how to handle things with love.

This weekend, Mike is going to get to meet his son for the first time since he wrecked his car while in a high speed chase with the police. At that time John was a mere 18 months old. He was in the back seat, strapped in his car seat when that event took place. I find it ironic that he was arrested close to independence day and he will be reunited with his son a few days before independence day 12 years later.

I pray this will bring things full cycle for Mike where his heart is concerned. I know how deeply Mike loves John. He may have an inkling himself, but just like after the birth of our first son Michael, (one of the stories God inspired me with this week), Mike is going to be hit with emotions he has never experienced. All I pray is he feels God with him when the damn breaks and the water rushes forth.

Today Father, I come before You and pray that everyone realizes a marriage without your blessing is nothing more than a legal document. That is it. Nothing less, nothing more. I know this as truth for I have been married to 3 different men with a license to do so. All three marriages failed and in the same manner I was divorced by man's laws. However when I was at my wits end with Mike, I sought out Your blessing to leave him because I sought your blessing to be married to him in the first place. Having you in the middle truly makes all the difference. I pray you open the eyes of all who have curiosity regarding this matter of marriage. I also pray for protection over our trip and Mike's reunion with his son. May the evil one be kept at bay. May he find no entrance to enter into the situation. Fill both Mike and Sarah with a calm that cannot be denied comes from You Father. Allow John to see the love his father truly feels for him. I truly believe it is Your will for these two to be united again and I thank you for again always being Faithful Father. Your Grace is such a gift. Only you can pull of such miracles when it comes to the healing of hearts. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! In Jesus name I pray. Amen!

I end with a song that touches my heart every time I hear it for the truth it reveals. Enjoy!

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

How I Fell in Love with Mike

Who knew when I called into the physic line I would really have part my future foretold exactly how it would come to pass. I never really believed in that stuff, but I had three free minutes and life was in an absolute upheaval. I was currently married to a man I'd been with for the previous 4 years. Because of his side business, our lives were turned upside down in a matter of a morning.

I knew in my heart that he had been cheating on me for the last year or so. I simply had no proof. I have never been one to jump to conclusions. I was more of a "give them all the rope they need to hang themselves" kind of girl. So, in a desperate moment, with my 3 minute free physic reading card in hand, I dialed the number listed. The girl on the other end asked me a couple of basic questions. When was I born was one of them for sure. I honestly don't remember what else she asked me. I can vividly remember watching the clock. Next, she informed me she was going to use tarot cards. I think she had me tell her when to stop shuffling. After a moment she said, "I see that you are married. Shortly after Christmas that marriage will be completely over. Before the next month ends, you will fall in love and you will be pregnant with twin girls. You will travel a lot in the first two years and things will be extremely rough on you. If you make it beyond these two years remaining together you will be together". I slammed the phone down. My three minutes were up.

 "TWINS!" I exclaimed out loud. Ha! I was not going to EVER get pregnant again. No way. My oldest two were teenagers now. I was a hop, skip and a jump away from finally being able to live my life for myself. The year was 1997. Rodney, my second husband, was currently on trial. His final court date was scheduled in March. He was looking at a lot of time but I had no grace where that was concerned. Had he listened to me, he would not have been in the situation he was in. I did take the time to locate the best lawyer for his case. I also took care of paying the lawyer. I battled his family regarding how they shunned him. I informed his mother that when you love someone you stand by their side through the mess not just the glory. I wanted to believe he had not betrayed me. Even more so when his lawyer said, "Tell me you kissed this girl. It only had to happen once and I can have this case thrown out.", and Rodney swore there was nothing ever between them. His lawyer did a great job and even though he could have been sentenced with a lot more, Rodney was placed on work release for 90 days and sentenced with probation for 1 year I believe. The probation may have been longer. I honestly do not know.

He was about 3 weeks into serving his 90 days when I informed him that I wanted a divorce. I had found and read the discovery report and I was positive he had indeed been cheating on me. He insisted we go to marriage counseling. He swore he had never cheated on me and we just needed to work out my feelings and emotions in a healthy way. I told him, albeit sarcastically, that since the issue seemed to be mine, I would begin therapy on my own and when he got out we could continue together. After a few sessions my therapist said, "You know Wendy, you have a really good intuition. My advice to you would be to listen to it quicker." I looked at her and she continued, "My philosophy is, "If it sounds like bull it usually is."

I took that line and went in to see Rodney at Goodwill in Noblesville where he was the store manager. I informed him that I knew he had slept with the girl he had denied sleeping with because his story sounded like bull. I said I don't want to hear anything else from you unless it's the truth. I am filing for a divorce tomorrow unless you confess everything. I turned leaving him in his office and headed back to mine. Rodney showed up at my office unexpectedly within an hour of me leaving him. He pulled me into another room, closed the door and confessed everything. I listened as I silently screamed in my head. I showed him not one ounce of Grace.This was the second time he had cheated on me. This cheating on me was made worse by the fact he had gone out of his way to beg me to be friends with this girl. That goes way beyond a little white lie. In my heart I knew it all along.  My mind did not want to believe it. The best thing about Rodney and I WAS our friendship. I had no idea how I would ever recover so, I refinanced the house, paid him the $5000.00 he demanded to set me free as well as gave him every asset we had collected together, minus the house, for my freedom.

While going through counseling, I was asked why I gave up basketball. I found it an odd question but Sue had a way of getting you to slide back in time. It was the first time I had slid back to that fateful day. The ball echoed in my head so loudly. I explained to her what had happened moment by moment as if in a trance. When I finished, she asked me why at 14 did I tell the man "Look there's my daddy"? I shook my head and said, "No", I said, "Look, there's my father.". She reiterated, "No", you said, "Daddy."  she then stated, "I think you were in a similar situation at a very young age and you reacted the same way you did the first time. Can you recall anything happening to you before say age 4?" I shook my head no, but was admittedly shaken by her analysis.

Seeing how I had no recollection of ever calling my father daddy, I went straight to him. I told him what Sue thought. He said he knew of nothing himself but thought I should live in the now and not ponder on things that may or may not have ever happened. You know how your mind works though. Mine did not stop attempting to recall.  Needless to say, this led to a flashback. An actual flashback. I was in the room. It was a single flash but it was enough. I was driving around 465 when it happened and I came to with the pedal to the medal aiming at an overpass. I managed, by the grace of God, to get the car under control. I was freaked out beyond words. I drove straight to Sue's and told her what happened. She said I needed to go see my family doctor to get a prescription. She was afraid with my type of recall I might accidentally hurt myself and she needed help with controlling my issues while we worked on my past. She mentioned that she would contact my family doctor herself to fill her in on what was going on with me.

My family doctor immediately placed me on Prozac. This little magic pill created a very nice warm fuzzy feeling at first. Kind of like a "life is good I have no cares" kind of high. I liked it. Sue, however, did not. She was visibly upset when she found out I was taking Prozac. That was not what she had wanted me on. I didn't know why it mattered. I was beginning to see Sue as a possible threat to my puffy cloud.

I had been on a bowling team that year with Kelli, my assistant office manager at the time, and her Aunt. They had a summer two person league opening up and Kelli's Aunt wanted to join it. Another couple that Rodney and I hung out with were bowling in it and I thought it would be fun. I agreed to be her partner. Rodney was still in jail at this time. Cassy and Billy had a couple more weeks of school left before they headed off to their father's for the summer. I thought this would be a perfect way to fill my time. Kelli's Aunt ended up getting ill and could not participate. Terry, the bowling alley's manager, had promised to team me up with someone. That is how and when I met Mark. I was without a care in the world. He seemed nice enough. He fed quarters to Cassy. Honestly, I thought he was a little on the feminine side. When that is your instant opinion, it causes you to put down your guard. I thought he was likeable enough. Over the course of the next few weeks Mark and I got to know each other a little better. He sold me a barrel of lies and I, feeling sorry for him, confessed my story.

Without knowing more than where I worked, Mark showed up at my office the weekend after we had participated in moonlight bowling with my friends that Rodney and I used to hang out with. It surprised me that he took the time to find my office. That was the beginning of our relationship. With my guard down and floating on a cloud, I began to feel sorry for Mark and the life he was living. He portrayed the picture of both a good father and a betrayed husband, a hard worker. He had 3 jobs when we first met. We had just begun dating when there was a close call in the family and the Brooks were heading to Virginia to pay Mark's grandmother a visit. Turned out they could really use my van and I could ride down with Mark and we could have a mini vacation. I went. I enjoyed the heck out of our time on the road. It was the first time I had taken two days in a row off work at Glidden Fence in 2 1/2 years. I was on such a high on the way home, I asked Mark to stay the night with me. He said, "If I stay tonight, I won't ever leave." I said, "That's fine with me." At the time Mark was working 3 jobs. I barely got to see him. I thought this would make things easier.

The next time I went to see Sue, I told her about Mark. She said, "Oh so you have found yourself a night in shinning armor to save the day." I denied what she said and left her office more irked at her than I had been prior. Prozac is a dangerous "cure" for those struggling with emotional issues.

I'm not sure what was the cause to my birth control not working. I often wondered if it had to do with the Prozac. After not conceiving a child through my entire time with Rodney, I suddenly found myself pregnant by Mark. I instantly recalled my fortune reading. I cannot tell you how badly I freaked out when I realized I was pregnant. After all, I left Rodney in March of 1998. I reasoned that March was shortly after Christmas. I had found myself entangled in another relationship by the end of July and granted it was more like two months later that I found myself pregnant, it still sounded eerily close to the truth. After all, I reasoned, those physics aren't exact to a T in what they tell you. As it turned out I was only pregnant with one girl. Not twins. Mark and I did travel a little in the first two years and I convinced myself that if he could just conquer his drinking problem all would be well. Sadly, I honestly thought if I could help him have Faith in God that I would be excused from all my sins. How I wish I knew then what I know now about "works".

Mark putting down the bottle and turning to God never happened. I imagine I will blog on those chapters of my life as well, but for now, I needed to set the scene for how my relationship with Mike came to be. As God led me to blog on both prayers and keeping your focus on Christ, He did the same with my life story. You see with both those blogs, when I sat down to write them, I knew in order to blog on what God had excited me about, I needed to go back a chapter to do justice to the verse. In this same way, God excited me with 4 titles: "Exciting, no doubt about it, God was there" chapters of my life with Mike. Only to discover that when I sat down last night to blog about one of them, I could not jump right in. I was going to have to start with chapters I did not care for. I must admit I am happy to have this part of my life's story mostly behind me. I am sure details will be added later. For now the above synopsis will suffice.

The first day I met Mike was August 3, 2003. He walked through my door with his father. I was informed I needed to get him an application form and a W2. He was our newest employee. Over the next few months we formed a friendship. I often gave him advice! I had no idea he had a crush on me.

That same year, Mark left me for another girl right after Christmas 2003. I honestly had no intentions of getting with anyone. Going from Rodney to Mark after Jeff, Jimmy and Bruce and a couple others I have yet to have even mentioned, had left me convinced men were all the same and not one of them was worth my time. It was January 14th when I awoke from a dream around 3 in the morning. In the dream, Mike had called out to me to give him a chance. He promised he would love me like I deserved. I literally sat up in my bed and said out loud, "Mike?" and went back to sleep. I could not get him out of my head after that try as I might. Every time I heard him in my head I would think to myself he is so much younger. I would tell myself I was delusional. January 17th, 2004, while I was waiting on William and his friend to come out of the hockey arena, I couldn't stand it another minute. I managed to work up 20 seconds of insane courage and I called one of the men to inquire if they knew how to get in touch with Mike. They asked me why I wanted to know and I simply stated I needed  to ask him a question. He told me to try Larry, Mike's dad. He thought he hung out there on Saturday night.

I called and Larry answered the phone. I asked him if Mike was there. He informed me he was and gave Mike the phone. As casually as I could, I asked Mike if he'd like to join me at my house to play cards. I told him we needed another player. He said sure but he'd need a ride. I told him no problem, I'd swing by and grab him on my way back to dropping William and his friend off. If he knew I was checking him out, he never let on. At the table our knees hit and I swear a bolt of electricity flew through my veins like nothing I had ever experienced. When the game ended, I offered him the couch. I walked him over to it and when I turned around he grabbed me and kissed me. I literally fell off a cliff. It was like nothing I myself had ever experienced. I swear, the ground fell out from below me.

When the first kiss was over,I asked him, "When were you born?" He replied, "Age does not matter."  I informed him, "I don't care about the year, all I need is month and day. He told me and then began kissing me again. I continued to fall. The next day, I looked up his date of birth in an astrology book and discovered his date of birth was one of six dates listed as being compatible with me. My heart was overjoyed. I continued to tumble for the next 10 months. Our relationship had begun. We were together every spare moment after that.

On February 4th, I knew I was pregnant. I had never felt so pregnant in my life. I took a test and sure enough it was positive. I called my OB/GYN and informed them. They asked me about my dates and suggested I come in for a blood test to make sure. The very next day, they called me and asked if I'd come in for an ultrasound. I thought this was premature but they explained it was a normal procedure due to my age and the dates of my cycle. I didn't think much about it and went to the exam myself. I was on the table and watching the screen in front of me when saw the heartbeat. The woman operating the ultrasound equipment move the instrument slightly and said as matter of fact and dry as possible, "That's what we thought. A second heartbeat. You are having twins." I was speechless. Suddenly I recalled my fortune. I knew they were both going to be girls.

I end here because I know what I am meant to share about this event. We are not meant to look in the future. We are meant to trust in God. My looking ahead changed things. I invested in an unhealthy relationship because I knew the first two years were going to be rough. The psychic had warned me about it. I mistakenly believed my fortune was coming true. I know now why we are warned against this type of activity in the bible. I did not know it prior but I so understand the importance today. When you peek into the future, you have no idea of what time frame you are peering into. That lady did not warn me about another failed marriage after the failed marriage I was already in. Who saw that coming? Not me. I considered her a fake by the time Mike walked into my life! After it was announced I was pregnant with twins it all came rushing back. She was dead on. That realization sent shivers down my spine. I no longer look at astrology books or call on psychics. I warn everyone to stay away from them as well. This is for your own protection.

Father, today I come before you and say thank you for so many blessings. I look to the heavens and am dumb founded that you take the time to pay attention to me. I am so grateful. So many of my fellow brothers and sisters are searching for an answer Father. I pray they are kept from searching it out through dark forces. I pray they turn to you Father. Keep them from temptation. Those who are battling past memories or overwhelming emotions, I pray they turn to you. I pray they stay away from these so called pharmaceutical helpers. You are the healer of emotions and heartaches. I pray more and more recognize the void they feel inside is the relationship they are missing out on with you. I thank you for Mike. I thank you for the life we have together. I thank you for his love for me. Even though some days he and I don't see things the same way, with you in the middle, we are stronger. Thank you for answering prayers. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Children of Divorce or Those With Two Homes

I have had to pray long and hard on where my blog seemed to be heading. I had to make sure it was not about me and my hurts but what I am meant to expose from darkness to light. I want you to know I do not despise Jeff at all anymore. There was a time I could not stand him for what he had put me through. Thank God I am beyond that. Time really does have a way of healing all wounds.

I myself am a child of divorce. My father and mother married at a young age due to my conception. My brother followed me by a mere 10 months 10 days. Stress over finances I am sure did not help my parents. My father left us when I was only 3 years old. I did not see him again until I was close to 5. By age 7, I had been informed by my step mother how unworthy my mother was of my father's devotion. In response to something I had questioned, my mother unloaded a few things off her chest regarding my father. My point here is simply this. That was too much for a child!

My grandmother attempted to clear the muddy water for me by pointing out how young my parents were and how out of line Chris had been with her list of faults regarding my mother. I knew by age 10 this was something I never wanted to do to any child of mine should I have the burden of raising a child of divorce. This was such a big deal to me that when newly married to Jeff we had a discussion how if we did not work out, we were promising each other NOT to do this to our child. It is easy to promise something like that when you are getting along. It is harder to follow through when in the heat of the moment.

If you are a parent that has fallen out of love and are pursuing or have already gotten a divorce from your spouse, I beg you, rise above your own hurt, pain, anguish and judgement. You will Harm YOUR relationship with your child if you talk negatively about their other parent. You may win their love by destroying the other parent but it is Love by deceit. It will not last. Time will reveal truths. It does NOT matter how YOU feel about your ex. YOU don't have the right to bring up their weaknesses to your children. Eventually your child will grow up and they will begin to see things through a new lens. Trust me when I say you don't want to be on the end of judgement and anger from  your child because you felt it necessary to spout off about what a jerk, a looser, a cheater, a rotten provider THEIR father or mother was in YOUR eyes. You are doing yourself and your child as well as your ex a gigantic dis-service with this type of behavior.

I had the pleasure of having this confirmed by my oldest son recently. He thanked me for NOT tearing His Father down. He also mentioned how he had felt robbed of his relationship with me in his youth because of what His Father had told him. Turns out my son sees me for who I have always been. Praise God, I have been redeemed of all the lies and deceit and not by my own defense.

I know fully well how hard it is to bite your tongue when your child is informing you of your faults and failures according to your ex spouse. Especially when some of it is so far stretched from the truth that you find yourself biting your tongue til it bleeds. I know how the heat of that moment causes the human side of you to long to get up on your own soap box to defend yourself. I thank God for showing me how detrimental this type of behavior is. I mentioned once in one of my first few blogs how I wrote down what type of parent I wanted to be when God called me at a young age and informed me I would be a mother to many. This was one of the promises I made to myself. No matter how angry I was at the Father of my children, I would not tear him down in front of my children. EVEN if they stooped to that level, I would not. I stumbled a little when it came to the Father of my 4th and 5th babies. Children lurk around the corner. I warn you to guard your tongue and emotions if your children are close by. In time I will share how this made me feel. Let's just say none of it was warm and fuzzy!

I would also encourage anyone going through divorce to not use your children as pawns. Do not get in the way of your child's relationship with the opposing parent. It's not your place. If you have a spouse that is abusive pray for them. Pray they never hurt your child. The courts are not the greatest at protection. Remember you cannot control everything that goes on during visitation but you can keep your eyes and ears open. Keep a journal if you have just cause to worry. Ask questions wisely. Keep your focus on your child and not the other parent.

You should also know children of divorce have an edge over their parents. Yes. You heard me. We have an edge. If you stoop so low as to inform us of how you feel about the opposing parent, we will one day use this to our advantage. We will brag on how awesome the other parent is or how they do certain things for us. Some of it may not even be true. Stand firm in your own parenting and pray for strength. You are going to need it!

As I end this chapter I am going to leave you with this: It has been flashed to me several times that what was too much for Bruce was the craziness that was continuing between Jeff and I where our children were concerned. The last time I saw Bruce was after we had tracked down, found and removed Cassy and Billy from Jeff's new wife's care. They had up and moved during the children's summer visit. It was Jeff's mom that had alerted me to the situation. I will blog in detail what happened soon. I don't know how it took me so long to realize why Bruce ran and blocked contact. I get it today. I am still praying on revealing these shoes I walked in.

I leave you with this favorite phrase of mine. I came up with it when I walked out on Mike last November. I think I am going to use it as a title chapter . . . it is a bit long but I have been saying it for six months now. "You don't have to be beat up to be beat down."

Today I pray for all children of divorce. I pray for all parents going through the process and those still licking their wounds. I pray you rise above your pain. I pray you seek wisdom on the best way to raise your child or children in a split home. I pray you have strength to get through all the situations that come your way. I pray that you are able to resist tearing your spouse down to gain your child's love. Father I come to you today and ask you to meet those in their pain and lift them. Fill single mother's and father's with strength, peace and wisdom. Fill the children with your Love. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013 

Back Flash

What a journey this has been. I knew the pain of my giving Amanda Rose up for adoption was going to be something to relive. I was not prepared for how overwhelming it turned out to be. If I could have cut out my heart, I think I would have. I cried out for relief. Even in reflection it is still so raw my eyes fill with tears and my heart is heavy. I think it is why I have been calling out to others that are in a dark place right now. I encourage you to press on. Find a Friend. I'll be your friend! I'm already your long lost sister! I know heartache. I am familiar with the thoughts that it would be easier to go to sleep and never wake up again. That is what the evil one wants you to believe. It is a lie.

Life always has twists and turns. Aren't you interested what may be around the next corner?

My life has been a roller coaster for sure. So, this is where I was at. In pain. I see the road ahead I'm being called to share and again I called out to My Father. What next? I have had signs. He has shared things with me. Things I had tucked back in the recesses of my brain. Lately I have been that obstinate child saying how do I share that? I know the answer. I listen for the title that He will give me. Once I hear it and type it in He gives me the rest.

Unfortunately, I've been too busy voicing my fears and concerns over what I am led to share to open myself up to hearing my next chapter title. Ever hear the phrase, "I'm dragging my feet."? Yea, that would have been me.

I resolved last night to pray for direction, protection and strength. This morning I was awakened with my next title. As always, it is so perfect. Back Flash. I've been having a lot of them. So funny that I never thought of the title myself. I know it was because I simply was not ready and willing to proceed. I want to thank all those that prayed for protection over me. I felt lighter yesterday and was able to write a blog. I know it was more for me than anyone. It helped me lift my head back up. So thank you my fellow prayer warriors!

In my blog, The Only Baby I Ever Planned, I shared how Bruce had called me saying that this was all too much for him and he had changed his mind. In the heat of writing that blog I was still in the same mental shape I was in the first time. I was confused and full of overwhelming heart ache. I just did not get how he felt it would be better to abandon me and the baby he had begged me to have with him. I was angry at him still. I had never put myself in Bruce's shoes. I allowed him no grace.

Recently I have had many back flashes and they have not been pleasant to say the least. Somehow I knew I'd have to talk about the turmoil I lived through regarding Jeff and our mutual children. I now understand what it was that was too much for Bruce and in my heart I can no longer be angry at him. Allow me to paint the scene.

My divorce from Jeff was far from easy or pleasant and the repercussions of leaving him haunted me off and on until our children were teenagers. Anyone that has ended a relationship knows full well the battle that often ensues do to each parties hurts. This relationship was one of those. I think it happens more in abusive situations than others and if you've read my blog Staring Down the Barrel of a Shotgun you know full well that mine was an abusive relationship.

If you have never been in a physically abusive relationship and you know someone who is currently in one you may question why this persons stays there. Perhaps you wonder why don't they leave? The most asked question is why do they go back?  I know why. You see, I was that girl.

I promised to publish this blog before the end of the day and it is 11:48 pm EST. I am exhausted but know what I am being led to share. I don't care for it. It's not anything I care to relive but I know God is showing me something. Who knows perhaps many of you will figure it out before I do!

Today I come before you Father asking for more strength and clarity on how I am to share all of this. I thank you for getting me through every rough spot I have been in. I thank you for your Grace. Where would I be without it? I stand in awe of how you have led me to writing again. I thank you for all my education over the years. I thank you for helping me find fellowship. I pray Father that anyone secluded from others find fellowship with fellow believers. I also pray for all who are living in an abusive situation. Please lift them up. Fill them with the Faith you filled me with the last time Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

How I Became a Single Mother

Good morning! How have 13 days passed since I last blogged on my own life. In my heart I know the answer. These next 5 years are like swimming across treacherous water. I have remembered so much. Some things so awful I am impressed with myself for actually moving beyond them. I say that for at this stage of my life I hold no grudge against Jeff. Many times in my life I have felt sorry for him. With that being said, let's get through this and beyond to better years!

I was 19 years old. I had two babies. One was 6 months old and the other was 20 months old. My husband thought our youngest was not his because of the color of his eyes. His mother along with her friend had planted that seed. I'd been yanked out of bed by my hair and thrown on the floor. It ended with me escaping to the car with the babies and him pulling a gun on me. By the grace of God I'd gotten away alive.

I did not call the police. I honestly was numb. How do you ever get beyond something as dramatic as that? Without God you never could. Jeff and I did not have God in our marriage. I don't know to this day if Jeff even believes in God. This entire next year is kind of a fuzz for me. I thought perhaps if I reflected on it I could remember it all better. I did remember things down the road but this year must have been dark as night for the details are dim.

I think because of the situation I was in and the lack of support from family and Jeff's plea that he would never touch me like that again, I believe I went back home. I do know it was at that time I made a pledge with myself that I would never allow myself to become dependent upon another person. I was not making enough money to be able to save a single dime. Without any savings I was trapped or so I felt like it. I was working at Dairy Queen and had just been promoted to Breakfast manager! The new position came with a raise! Things were beginning to look hopeful for me or so I thought.

During this time Jeff's parents had moved to Noblesville. He spent a lot of time with them. That was fine by me as it gave me space. Seeds when they are watered and nourished will grow. This is the case with the seed that Jeff's mom had planted. Jeff was now being told that they had seen me in our car with another guy driving through Noblesville. When Jeff came to me with this I was dumbfounded. I told him it was all lies and nonsense. I offered to take him to work with me and I'd show him my time card. I don't know why he refused to take a look but he was convinced somehow I could get around a time card. Without trust you really have nothing. I knew in my heart I had to get away before this got nasty again. I wasn't sure how I was going to achieve this but I was working on it. It was during this time frame that Chris Glidden came through my drive through and informed me she was looking for office help. She offered me $1.50 more an hour than I was making. I took her up on her offer.


One day on my way to pick the children up as I crossed SR 32 to the other side of Springmill the traffic had stopped. As I came to a halt I glanced over to the car in the next lane. Low and behold it was Jimmy. Yes the Jimmy I'd kissed in the cooler when I was only 16. Our eyes locked. I think he was just as shocked as I was. We both had our windows down. At the same time we said each other's name in surprise. He asked me to pull over up the road and he'd turn around when the traffic moved again. I did. We stood and talked for about 15 minutes catching each other up on our lives. He told me I looked great for our age. I was like, "Our age! I'm only 18 . . . 19 . . . 18 . . . no 19 . . . how the heck old are we?" He laughed at me. He told me if I ever left Jeff he'd love to take me on a date. We went our separate ways that day but honestly Jimmy did not leave the back of my mind.


It was not long after that that Jeff and I had another fight. As I sit here I know things were rocky before I ran into Jimmy. With the realization that another man still found me attractive and worthy of his time in my head, I know this did not help our chances of making it to happily ever after. It is as close to cheating as I had come in my marriage. You see like I mentioned before abusive men beat you down verbally before they take that first swing. My confidence in myself was close to non existent before my run in with Jimmy. His invite to date me had give me some added courage to walk out the door empty handed. I went to my mom and explained to her how dangerous my situation was and that I needed a place to live. I was already paying her to babysit for me. I just needed a place to stay until I could get on my feet completely. I told her I was going to find a second job and I thought I might be able to get out on my own. She agreed to let me come live with her if that was what I felt was best. It was after William's first birthday that I finally moved in with my mother. She was in the process of planning her wedding to the guy who lived behind her. We were discussing me purchasing her home. I was excited for the first time in forever. I could afford to rent my mother's house on my own with a roommate easily. The thought that after a year or two I could also purchase the home from her thrilled me to no end. Things were looking up for  me.

I found a second job at night waitressing at a Steak n Shake in Nora. Jimmy had contacted me through Glidden Fence and we'd started dating even though I had not filed for a divorce yet. I had been shopping for a lawyer and I was working on accumulating the $500 I had been told I'd need to file. Jimmy made me feel beautiful and smart again. He made me laugh. He had an inner struggle regarding sleeping with me as his family and him were very Christian. It didn't take long to get beyond that hurdle. Here I was still married and I was now sleeping with another man. I justified it because I had left Jeff and if I had the money I'd have filed for divorce already. Regardless all of Jeff's worries of me being with someone else had finally become a reality.

One night when I came home from my second job I walked in the front door and low and behold who is sitting on the couch but Jeff. I froze in the doorway. My mother was in her chair and she said, "Wendy, Jeff came here to talk to me about you and him. I know you are set in your divorce but I think you should listen to him. After all you two have children together. Do you really want to short your children of a life with both parents?"

Somehow I managed to move. I closed the door and sat down at the other end of the couch. The gist was this. Jeff loved me. He felt awful about all that had gone wrong between us. He wanted another chance. If I still decided I wanted a divorce this time next year he'd pay for it. No questions asked. I was told to sleep and think on it. My mom really pushed me to give him another try after all what did I have to lose. Was I going to be selfish like my father or would I put my family first? I caved under the guilt. Jimmy bowed out of the picture and wished me luck with my marriage. He did not want to be the one to blame for it's failure.

There was one major problem with this plan. Jeff was an abusive person. He didn't love me anymore than I loved him at this point. I had been with another man and he knew it. This did not help. I honestly could not stand for him to touch me in the bedroom. I did not feel loved by him in the least.

The girl I had run away with was pregnant with her own first child. I knew she was around 5 months along when she arrived on my doorstep crying one night. She asked if we could go somewhere and talk. She saw the hesitation in my eyes and whispered. My baby is no longer alive, please I need someone to talk to. I told Jeff I had to go with her. He was not happy to say the least but he allowed it. You see Donna was currently dating a man of color and Jeff was as racist as a person could be. He did not want me associating with Donna but with the news he was allowing an exception.

I took her down to the Pizza Hutt and we ordered some bread sticks. I guess I was gone with her for too long. When I came back home Jeff attacked me from behind screaming something like Nigger Lover at me. I ran down the hall way to the bathroom and tried to lock the door. He was right behind me. Somehow I escaped the bathroom and ran to the other end of the house to our bedroom. Again I was a second too slow on getting the door closed. He picked up the lamp that had no shade or shade holder as that had been broken off of it and launched it at me. I tried to jump out of the way but the lamp landed on my foot burning it and cutting it in the same instant. I screamed in pain. It was my howls that stopped Jeff from hurting me further. Instantly he was crying and telling me it was all a mistake. I was numb. I had heard this too many times. He called my mother and informed her we'd had a fight. He asked if she'd be willing to babysit the next night so we could have some alone time and work things out. She agreed. I pretended to agree. I was done. I went to bed. The next morning I got up and pretended I was okay. I rode with him to work and when his crew pulled out I went home packed up everything that was important to me and I took it to my grandmother's. She of course was on Mackinac Island for the summer but she told me I was free to use her house.

Over the course of the next couple weeks Jeff was not allowed near me at work and he did not know where I was staying at night. I did not keep him from our children, he could visit them through my mother.  He knew I wanted a divorce. Seeing how I had not stuck to my end of the agreement . . . sticking around and working on my marriage for a year, he was off the hook for having to pay for our divorce. Again I was shopping for a lawyer. Lena found me one for $250 total. I met the man paid 1/2 down to get the ball rolling. All I wanted was my last name and my children.

One night after work there was a knock on the front door. When I went to answer it, Jeff was standing there. He had followed me from a distance. I never noticed. My heart lurched. I slammed the door and locked it. Refusing to let him in, he went home and called my grandma's house. This of course is in the days before caller ID and I answered the phone. It was Jeff. He informed me if I did not come home and talk to him he was going to set everything I'd left behind on fire. I told him to enjoy the blaze. I had all that was important to me already and I hung up.

I finally got my own apartment in the fall of 1989 and my Divorce Decree was finalized on December 18, 1989.

I am happy to have made it this far in my retelling. I again am out of time to write and this is as good as any place to stop. Today I pray for anyone who is in a dangerous situation. I pray you seek outside council. Get yourself some help. Things will never improve on their own. You need God.

Wendy, Mom of Many

How I Ended up Pregnant with My 2nd Child

You know . . . I never had any counselling over the incident that happened that summer day when I was 14. The details can be found in the blog titled 'Grounded for Losing my Virginity'. If you have been molested in any way and you think that you can shoved it back into the recesses of your mind and locked it away safely, I am here to say, "It did not work for me."

As I mentioned in a prior blog, 'In Defense of My Step Mother' one of the gifts Chris gave me was the knowledge regarding breast feeding your children. I had every intention of breast feeding Cassandra until the age of 1. What I didn't count on was going into shock every time I breast fed her.

I had been on the program for Woman, Infants and Children at the time. When I went in for my appointment,  it was for Cassy and I. They checked both of our Iron levels and the results were not good. In a nut shell, I was not taking care of myself very well. I confessed to the woman what I was going through and she explained to me that I was not doing Cassy a lot of good. She thought that was most likely due to the fact that when you breast feed, being emotionally tied to it in the beginning helps with the flow of the milk. Since I was so low on Iron, I didn't have enough to give to Cassy through my milk. She insisted on having me change Cassandra over to formula for one main reason. My state of mind. I felt guilty for not being able to provide for her nutritionally.

For the life of me I cannot remember if that lady suggested I go to any counseling. If she did, I did not follow through with her advice. More than likely I would not have been able to get there. I was at a stage in life where I either had to ask for a ride or I was walking where I needed to go!

I snapped out of my funk soon enough once I stopped breastfeeding. I went right into a cleaning maniac. There was a Loft above our place and it had obviously not been touched for years. There was a broken window and even birds had been in and out of this place. Jeff's friend Jeremy had been crashing on our couch and he took a look at the space and thought it would be perfect with a little elbow grease. He helped me attack that room and in one weekend we had it blinging! He moved a bed up there along with his stuff. It was a win win. He was going to chip in on the rent and we had someone to help with errands.

Everything was great until the land lord stopped by. She had seen the fan in the upstairs window and insisted that we could not use the space even though it was on our side. Before I even knew what was going on, she and Jeremy were fighting about it. Needless to say, she informed me she was evicting Jeff and I over the incident. She had to have gone to the court house that day. We were served papers the next day. I was dumbfounded. She never even talked to me.

I think Jeff must have talked to my father about the incident. I'm not really sure how he got Chris to agree to it. All I do know is I was informed we were moving in with Chris and my dad for three months so that they could help us build a nest egg.

To say that it was weird to live under my parents rule while married would be an understatement. Jeff and I found a new place and signed a lease within 3 months as planned. We had $1000 in the bank when we moved into our new place. I thought we were really going to be okay. In less than 3 days of opening that account our balance went from $1000 down to less than $50! Turned out Jeff owed some bank money from before we were married. He had been served a judgement on it and when we put the money in our bank account. They froze the funds and took them. I was sick over it.

Our apartment was right in the middle of town. A new Gas America had just been built and it was 2 blocks down the road. On a whim I went and applied for a job. They were hiring for grave yard shift. I wanted that job so badly. Jeff only allotted me $40 a week for groceries and household needs. Even back then it was not a lot! I needed an income of my own. Grave yard would work perfectly I reasoned. He would have Cassy while she slept so I didn't have to spend money on a sitter. Next I found out about GED classes. I told Jeff that he and I were both going to go to class and take this test. My mother agreed to come up and sit with Cassy while we attended class. I am happy to say even with taking my test going on two days of no sleep I was 1 point shy of a full paid state college scholarship! Who even knew you could get a scholarship on a GED diploma? My teacher was so excited. I told her I did not have another $16 at the time to take the test again. She told me no worries, I could simply retake the history exam and pay only $4.00! I laughed and told her I would think about it but right now I didn't have the freedom to go to college. Jeff passed his test as well. To this day he happily will admit he is thankful I pushed him to pursue his degree.

We were young when we got married and to say we had a great foundation would be a lie. By March we had taken on roommates to help with the rent so we really had no time alone together. When you coupled those two things together I think looking back it was the beginning of the end. I'm not sure if there is any truth to the rumors I've been told years AFTER I divorced Jeff, but if they are true, he was turning to female friends for comfort. I do know this our relationship was on a downhill slide. I no longer felt any longing for contact with Jeff. Sadly we were getting to a point where I was being informed that I had wifely duties and he was not going to go without. Just trust me, "When it becomes a 'Duty', you better do something about it."

I was on the pill and had been since my checkup. The last thing I wanted was another baby. I was already thinking I needed to get out of this relationship. It's funny how abuse starts. It's not like one day they walk up and punch you. An abusive man has to beat you down before he beats you up the first time. You could easily say Jeff and I were in the "Beat you Down" stage of our relationship. I couldn't take the mental abuse so I left Jeff and moved in with my mother in June.

I was still working grave yard at Gas America at this time. Come May, I suddenly started having problems with my cycle. Planned parenthood thought perhaps my body had overcome the pill and I needed a stronger version so they changed my prescription. The next month same problem, so they changed my pill again. The next month I blacked out at work from excessive bleeding and they decided perhaps I needed to have an exam to see if they could spot any cause. So, there I was on the exam table that next morning. I will never forget the gasp the Doctor made. You know how many thoughts can flash across one's brain in a moment? A LOT! Cancer, a tumor, had to be something bad. Nothing I had thought of could have prepared me for her next words, "Oh my God! You're pregnant!" Have you ever heard your world shatter in a single second? I was floored. What she said next was even more shocking. "You're not a little pregnant. . . if I had to guess I would say you are about 20 weeks pregnant. Have you not felt the baby move?" I was speechless for a moment. . . still stunned I managed to say, "No. I haven't."

She then told me, "Well, I'm no expert, but that is my best guess by the size of your uterus." She went on to make the comment that I had a backward uterus . . . something about the position of my cervix . . . I felt like I was a million miles away . . ." I think I mumbled something like, 'Is that a bad thing?' She replied nonchalantly, "No, it's just they used to think girls with a backward uterus had a more difficult time getting pregnant. You kicked that theory out of the water!"

I asked her if she thought anything might be wrong with my baby since I'd been on the pill this entire time. She advised me to get into a doctor as soon as I could. As far as she knew there just wasn't any available information on that. She left the room and I numbly dressed myself. I felt like I was disconnected from my body again. Pregnant? How on earth could I be pregnant. I hadn't called on God in so long . . . I didn't reach for him now either.

Somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain I heard the phrase, "You will be a mother to  many."

** I think this is a good place to stop. I'm not quite ready to journal all I went through over the next 72 hours.