Breaking Chains!

Today is fantastically fun filled friends and family Friday. I named it friends and family so that my focus would be on everyone. I have friends that don’t see themselves as my brother or sister in Christ. In my mind they just haven’t had their eyes opened to the truth yet. This world is loud. It is so overwhelming and fast and full of crap in all reality that most of us have never sat still long enough to have heard God speak to them, yet He speaks to all of us in one way or another.

No one is without excuse we are told within God’s word. He chases us. He has given us daily evidence of his existence, yet so many refuse to acknowledge him on a daily basis and many refuse to acknowledge him at all! I prefer to show where in God’s word I find such things. This truth can be found in the Book of Romans in the New Testament:

For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities ~ his eternal power and divine nature have been clearly seen being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse. Romans 1:20 (NIV)

Once we come to know who we are in Christ, we should feel compelled to share the gospel, this gift of pure freedom, with everyone we come across. We need to share the love of God with the world, allowing His light to shine through us as we are also advised to do in God’s Word:

No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us. ~ 1 John 4:12 (NLT)

God gave us the greatest gift a father could give His children. He allotted us free will. FREE WILL. This means we are FREE to choose how we want to live. I think a lot of people run from the Word of God because they don’t want to live according to the instructions laid out in His Word.

In religion, much like the Pharisees in the past, our teachers pound the law in hopes of changing the behavior of their followers. Christ taught by example. He lived the law. He also expounded the law and the so called teachers hated him for it. Why you may ask? Well because they enjoyed their positions. They enjoyed their power. Power can be quite a dangerous thing. I am certain all of us have witnessed those in authoritive positions that abuse their power.

What I love about reading God’s Word is that I understand that there is nothing I can do or say that will save me. It is not by works that I am saved, it is by grace through faith! Nothing more!

For it is by grace you have been saved through faith ~ and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God ~ not by works, so that no one can boast. ~ Ephesians 2:8-9

This morning on my way to an artist friend I met in jail, I was praying over several friends, binding the powers of Satan under the authority of Christ. I was mentally breaking chains and fervently praying in the Spirit. Visually I saw a hand that was cuffed to a chain, much like one would be found if they were in shackles and I was waving the sword of the spirit. The vision was so bold I questioned if I was to draw it and I even went as far as to ask God if he was going to give me another talent! When I shared this vision with the friend I was going to see, she said, “Get out of here!” She had just drawn something close to what I described to her!

I know without a doubt that she has been placed in my life for a purpose. Tracy is someone I met during my infamous 17 days in jail. She is also the one I mentioned in a previous blog and as of today she is who I have asked to be my maid of honor when Mike and I officially tie the knot in the eyes of the world.

I have called Mike my husband ever since we said our vows in front of only God. We had been together for one year and I was actually still legally married to someone else who had left me for another woman. I actually went to God and sought His blessing. This is the one and only person I have ever gone to God over when it comes to the matters of the heart. It is why I have gone to God over my relationship with Mike again and again.

Recently I became a member of New Hope Ministries. I desperately want to go back into the jail and minister to women. However, New Hope requires those in leadership positions to walk the VERY Narrow road. This brings me to Mike and I. While I consider him my husband in every way, the government and the world would not see it that way. Much like getting baptized after you accept Christ is a signal to the world that you are dedicated to the Lord, getting officially married under man’s laws will signal to the world where Mike and I stand in regards to one another.

I am not sure when the wedding will take place as we have talked about doing this literally for years but have never made the next step. I promise to keep you all in the loop. As I know, you will know. Honestly, I don’t know where I will be from day to day. That is part of what makes life an adventure!

Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. James 4:14 (NIV)

While we can make plans, for the most part, we are not to worry about tomorrow. We are just meant to live each moment to the fullest. Be blessed my friends and my sisters and brothers in Christ and remember to be a blessing to all that cross your path!

Wendy, walks with God, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2015

Landing on a Ledge

Isn't life funny. So much to do in a given day let alone a week. I have yet to blog on Mike and I. Takes a special moment to be able to drift back in time. I know everything is in God's timing and since that is perfect I do not let not getting something done in my time cause me stress. The words will come just as God wants them to.

I have opened but not had time to share K-Loves encouraging words the last few days. I find it fitting that they perfectly blend well together so I am going to share them in order beginning with Saturdays here all in a row on this Terrific Testimonial Tell All Tuesday. Let's see where the Spirit will lead!

Saturday 10/19/2013

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep. ~ John, NLT

Sunday 10/20/2013

Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.

~ John, NLT

Monday 10/21/2013

Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.

~ John 14:6, NLT

Tuesday 10/22/2013

I tell you the truth, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life.

~ John, NLT 

When you read the four in order doesn't it just make your heart soar? This last Sunday was an emotional one for me. We had the most incredible speaker. Just a humble servant of the Lord, but I believe she moved the entire room. I know she moved me. After already beating a cancerous tumor entangled with her spinal cord, she is now battling brain cancer and smiling about it. She would say something like maybe it is not cancer, maybe it is marital problems or teenage issues or whatever it is, it is not your biggest battle. That one was already taken care of for you on the cross. When you take that and combine it with those 4 quotes of scripture, what she was saying makes perfect sense. Sure what we walk through may be tough but if we keep our focus on the Lord we will make it through the valley and we will soar once more. Should we be at the end of this life and it is not planned for us to continue in this earth suit, it was always the end and we should not morn that, we should rejoice for the best is yet to come. When you truly wrap your mind around grace and eternal life everything truly changes. You can begin to live the abundant life that God intended you to live. 

I just heard an awesome song on the radio. As promised prior for those that cannot see the video on their device this song is titled "My Help Comes From The Lord" and it is performed by Chris Tomlin. 

My morning started out with a text from Mike expressing his love for me and that he longs to be married to me. That he never wants to be apart again and he is very sorry for not thinking before. I don't believe his problem was with thinking or not thinking. I believe his problem was with letting go and accepting that Jesus was Lord over his life. Mike giving up power to anyone was overwhelming to him. I just know it was. Then God striped everything out of his life in one fell swoop. Suddenly, he was without his family, his job and perhaps even his freedom. Now, even though he wants to, he cannot return. It is one thing to be behind bars and miss your family, it is another to be out walking the streets, working your new job, eating meals and be so far away from family you'd see them more were you in jail in your home town than where you are each day. Within his first week in Florida, he was picked up on a violation of probation stemming from 2006. Turns out when we left Florida with permission from his probation officer, with the condition to complete a class prior to May 6th, his probation officer did not get a copy of the class, so he filed a violation on him. Mike did do the class and amazingly enough even though seven full years had passed, I remembered where he had taken the class and they indeed still had his file available. You would think with proof of the completed class prior to May, 2006, the charges would have been dropped, but again no, he goes to court on October 29, 2013. His original probation officer wants 60 days in jail from Mike. That's what happens when you have to leave the state is what he has been told. I refuse to fret no matter what happens. If he has to serve 60 days I know it is because God needs some serious alone time with Mike and that is where they connected the first time. That is where Mike prayed to win my heart before he ever saw or met me. Sometimes you really do go full circle. All I know is with each passing day that we are apart Mike grows a little more and ironically while I too am growing, I am also shrinking. I just imagine how much better in all ways we both will be in the end. We had planned to get married for real on January 18th of next year, the ten year anniversary of our very first kiss, before everything seemed to go haywire. I love how we have come to realize what was truth and what was an attack from the evil one. What Satan intended to destroy has grown stronger. It very much reminds me of the story in Acts of the first church. Time and time again the evil one attacked and out of evil, every time, good was produced and things flourished. I know God uses all evils for good and I have come to love His ways. I could never change Mike or make him grow up myself, but God can do all things. I am thrilled that I had enough Faith in Him to finally let Mike go completely. Look at the fruit that is being produced in the end. 

With that being said, I am reminded of how I fell on that ledge the first time where Mike is concerned. If you have read my first two chapters regarding us, 'How I Fell In Love With Mike' and 'Dissed, Disowned, Disgraced and Darn Near Destitute' you know at this point in our relationship I was madly in love with Mike and was seeming to fall down this never ending mountain day after day and then Wham, it happened. I had a warning that trouble was ahead. The same voice that warned me I would lose my money, asked a simple but gigantic question as I unlocked the doors of the van after I had just walked out of a W.I.C. appointment in Grand Junction Colorado, "What are you going to do when Mike runs into Heather?" It came out of nowhere and literally stopped me in my tracks. I had Tia, Travis and the twins with me at the time and I just halted  in the process of getting everyone loaded up into the car. I asked the question out loud myself and instantly I knew the answer. I would have to let him go. I couldn't shake the feeling or the thought that Mike might not truly be mine after all. But that night, as he wrapped me into his arms, I let that voice fall to the back of my head and tumbled down the mountain side once again deciding I was going to lavish up this love for as long as it was mine. A mere month later I was in the same building with everyone and we were applying for job assistance. Mike said he had to go to the bathroom and he went off on his own. When he returned he was clasping a white piece of paper in his hands. He sat down beside me looking almost ill and when I asked him what was wrong, he said, "I ran into Heather. She gave me her number." I didn't breath. He handed me the paper. I feebly laughed and said, "As if you don't have the number memorized already." He said, "No, I didn't even look at it. She told me I was welcome to come to her as long as I left you and the twins. She is not into children." I was surprised to say the least. I took the number and threw it in the trash hoping silently that that was the end of it. 

** Pausing for a moment to play catch up. The twins were born in Florida. From a heartbeat of almost living on the street, Mike landed a job and through it I landed a babysitting job. The owner of his restaurant had four children needing to be cared for and that fell to me. I never got paid, but we were provided a one bedroom condo in exchange. Sadly shortly before the twins were born it was discovered that this man was corrupt. The restaurant closed and Mike and I quickly managed to get into a two bedroom trailer a few weeks before the twins arrived. Mike found another job as a cook at another restaurant but it was obvious he was not happy. When the twins came, Mike's mom was out of the state so, a friend of Mike's had his wife help us out by staying at our home when we had to go to the hospital so that Tia and Travis were taken care of. Mike let me down a little by getting drunk the night the twins were born. He barely made it back to the hospital that night. He claimed the surgery was too awful for him to stomach and he had to drink to get over it. As I lay recovering from a C-section where I was literally cut and then ripped apart due to the doctor needing more room to get the babies out, Mike was in my bathroom throwing up. He did not have the proper identification to be allowed to sign the girls birth certificate so, to this day he is not listed as their father although they both have his last name. We only stayed in Florida through October. Mike quit his job, we sold all we had, packed up all we could and headed off to Grand Junction, Colorado to go live with his best friend from his childhood, Mike Stark, and that is how we ended up in Colorado. Back to the story.

Less than a week after Mike had his run in with Heather, Mike's best friend who I will call Stark and his girlfriend began arguing over trust issues and somehow it came out of the closet that Mike had all but cheated on me the night the girls were born. Turns out the girl I entrusted to care for my children and drive Mike around as he did not have a valid license at the time and I did not want him getting in trouble in Florida thought they deserved a little fun. She got him drunk and attempted to have sex with him in my van right outside the hospital in the parking lot. No wonder Mike was so sick. As the details came out I found myself barely able to breath. This is when I landed on that ledge and had the air smacked right out of me. My world was spinning so fast I wanted to puke myself. Suddenly I understood what was going on. Like a light was flashed in my head. I looked at him and said, "You are trying to start a fight with me so that you can go to Heather. There is no need for that. Call her, Go to her. I will be okay." It was all I could do to hold myself together and even in reliving, it is so very very very painful. Thinking he might leave me for Heather, his first love was one thing. Thinking he let me lie crying for him in a hospital bed while he considered sleeping with just another girl with no meaning behind her at all had rocked my world. I wept for real that night as he slept. 

Things at his friends house were falling apart rather quickly with the fighting and we moved out of there and ended up in a homeless shelter when they had room and on the streets when they did not. Life was rough to say the least. Tia and Travis were acting out badly demanding they get their dad back. Mike was miserable torn between old and new loves. I could feel his heart was not completely mine and it hurt. As night dawned in the homeless shelter and the children were asleep he reached for me. He pulled me into his arms and attempted to kiss me. I turned my head from him. I know he was surprised by my move. I simply said, "You love someone else, I cannot kiss you." Again I wept myself to sleep. 

The next night Mike insisted we stay out of the shelter so we could talk things out. We did. In the end he decided he did not want to be without his babies and he decided he loved me and Heather had been nothing but a girl who played games with him through out their relationship and he decided he wanted to stay with me. Regardless, looking back, so much damage had been done to my heart. Within one month, I had a pretty good wall built around my heart. So much for someone praying for you meant they would do everything in their power to show you their love every day and would never stray. I no longer felt secure in Mike's love for me. It was a very big pivotal point in our relationship. 

The words have stopped flowing and that may be due to these crazy tears streaming down my face. Mike and I truly are back at the beginning. I am by myself in Indiana raising ironically five children again on my own just like I was when Mike and I finally got together. He is in Florida and praying for me again. He may even come back to me from behind bars like the first time. Ten years later we get to start over only this time we have the best foundation. Our love is built with Christ as our Center, our foundation. Who could pull off something as unbelievable as that but God Himself? Of course He has been involved in our love affair from the very beginning. 

As I wipe my eyes, I am happy to have this chapter behind me once and for all. Mike knew I was going to write on it. He asked the other night, "No way around it eh?" I laughed and said, "No" In sharing there will be healing and indeed there is. Love truly is the greatest of all:

1 Corinthians 13:13: Faith, Hope & Love. The Greatest of These is Love

Father, today I come before you and ask you to lift all those in a relationship that are struggling with Faith and love and hope and hard times. Let them see and feel your love. Help them see that to survive and flourish they must invite you in. When you keep your focus on Jesus it will change the way you talk to and treat one another. Even if only one of them is openly seeking you Father like I was, lift them and fill their faith like you did me Father. Help them be so bright their partner will seek your light as well. Should their be children in the mix Father fill these babies with your love and guidance. Shelter them under your wings. Let them know it's not about them at all father. Be the parent that we hurting parents are not able to always be. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Stretching, Shrinking, Growing, Thinking ~ Are You Ready to be Renewed?

Marvelously Magnificent Miraculous Monday. Mike Lincoln has come under the realization that he is madly in love with me. He is speaking a language I have never before heard him utter before. I know he is being stretched. I know he is growing. He is in the process of waking up, of allowing himself to be convicted and my heart soars because of it. God is AMAZING in how he works. During our separation we have both begun changing. God will never work on just one of you. No if you think it is all your partner, probably better take a deeper look into that mirror. Just being honest. Not one of us is perfect. I think that's the whole reason Jesus said, "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone." I'm sure it's where the saying, "Those that live in glass houses should not throw stones.", came from. It is what it is. I'm happy I don't have to pretend to the world that I am perfect. Wow. What a prison that would be!!  This brings me to K-Loves encouraging word of the day: 

I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments. ~ Psalm 119:45, NLT

Freedom. My father always quotes Janice Joplin and says, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose." There is a ton of truth in that. When you become a follower of Christ there is nothing you can lose. You have salvation. True freedom that never goes away. I am a follower of Christ. I am blessed beyond measure for I was shown the truth. You see just like gaining or losing weight, it doesn't happen over night. Oh we all want it. Instant success, instant understanding, instant solutions. Life just doesn't work that way. I do know this though it all begins with a renewing of something. To lose weight it begins with a new diet and exercise routine and when it comes to following the Lord, well, that begins with a renewing of ones mind. Which I truly think stems from a desperate call from the heart for change. At least that is how it worked for me. When my heart truly longed for a relationship with the Lord, when I banged on that door and said, please, help, your will not mine, I don't have a clue how I will do this but I do know if I'm going to do it, I'm going to need your help, well, He spoke to me. He told me to get off my knees and then shared a few things with me. You could say that was a pivotal moment in my life. After that he worked on my faith a little further by stretching me through a house fire that by all rights I should have died in. You'd think that would totally wake a person up to God's love and grace and mercy but no. I was still thinking I was unworthy. Next I was on my knees praying again and again and again over my relationship with Mike and God sent a human messenger to me. That honestly rocked my world. I was in awe of what had happened and I shared this story with all who would listen, but I myself still did not understand salvation, grace or any of that. I was beginning to search for it though. A renewing in me had begun. It was through finding Moody radio and then through the death of my first love, finding fellowship and studying the word that the renewing has continued. Speaking of Moody radio, finding that station is a story all in itself. I must tell it soon. I have so much work to do. So much to share. Stories about wisdom being bestowed upon me through prayer, and so much more.

This Sunday our talk was on finding your passion. Mine is for sure my love for the Lord. He called me forth to tell my story and I have been sidetracked and am now committed to getting back to it this week. I am ready to 'bust a move' where my writing is concerned. 

I started this blog out by saying that God works on both partners when He is asked for help involving a marriage He was asked to bless in the beginning. He has stretched Mike and He also is stretching me as well as helping me shrink. My grandma always warned me be careful what you pray for, you just might get it. With Mike being removed, which my prayer was, 'convict this man or remove him from me.' I needed to focus my pent up energy on something. What better something than exercise. After all, I had also prayed for God to give my health back to me which included my body before my twelve pregnancies. Through fasting due to what I went through this summer with my mother and my children, as well as the turmoil I was in over Mike and I separating after almost ten years, I was prepped for diet and exercise. So, I began a diet and a workout on September 15th, Tomorrow is my thirty day mark but for fun, I am going to share my results after just 29 days of renewing my body with both better nutrition and a devoted workout. I must admit, I have not paid one bit of attention to the scale. I believe the evil one likes to use this evil device to torment you, so I avoid it. Instead, I pay attention to what I see in the mirror and I take measurements. Something you can truly track progress with. I am thrilled to announce that in twenty nine days, I have lost the following:

4 full inches off my chest!
1 1/2 inches off each arm!!
5 1/2 inches off my waist!!!
5 full inches off my hips!!!!
3 full inches off each thigh!!!!!

That is a total of 23 1/2 inches in the major places. We all know you shrink around these zones as well. I still have two full weeks of this diet and exercise before I hit my six week commitment mark. The only thing I'm changing is busting a move with a little more umph for my endurance, strength and determination have grown massively over these first four weeks. It is amazing what you can change in a mere 30 days if you truly decide to 'renew yourself'. 

My challenge to you, start with your mind. It is the most powerful part of your human side. It is the place that Satan attacks so put on your fighting gear and join my army. I'll help you in every way I can by sharing what the spirit leads me to share. I will fully reveal my wellness secrets and anyone wanting to truly know exactly what I have done to rock this diet of mine, send me a message. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to help you get results like mine. I Love my Life. God truly set me free and He is wanting to do the same for you. All that you need to do is start out by giving Him 30 days. That's it, 30 days. If you're up to it, write me and let's do this together!!

Father, today I come before you with laughter and praise you are so Amazing. I love you. I giggle like a child over how you are changing me. No wonder you sent a lovely angel to tell me I am beautiful! I am beginning to see what you see and I want nothing more than to resemble to the world how you see me. Let me be a mighty light Lord. Help me shine to the darkest corners. Let my story be heard. Let others see your Glory. Oh it is so breathtaking my Lord. Thank you for allowing me to see what life is without Mike. I truly love him Father. Thank you for not allowing me to be deceived from this truth. Through our separation we have become wonderful friends again and for the first time since I fell on that ledge Father, I feel Mike's love for me. Thank you for working on him and stretching him. Thank you for our time apart where you have stretched and strengthened both of us in the ways we each needed work on. How do you do it Father? Oh to know your ways. To be able to implement them. Thank you for all my blessings, so numerous I don't know where to begin in thanking you for them. You know my heart father. I love that. I truly do. Please lift all my lost brothers and sisters Father. Send them your hand and foot servants to touch their hearts and open their eyes. Allow me to serve you in greater ways Father and help me with time management. I have so many more God stories I must get to sharing. Help me be more efficient. I love you in Jesus name I pray. Amen.

** Footnotes: Previous blogs that are touched on in this post:
(1)  Face to Face with an Angel (being told I was beautiful by a true angel) 
(2)  Saved by an Army of Angels (The house fire I should have died in)
(3)  On my Knees (Praying over a pregnancy I was not ready for)
(4)  Show me a Sign ( Praying about Mike and I where I received the message from God from another believer) 
(5) Unpacking Treasure, show me a sign Part II ( The believers letter to me almost a year later ) 

Wendy, walks with God,
Mom of Many


© Wendy Glidden 2013

Remember, With God, ALL Things are Possible!

It's Tremendously Thankful Thoughtful Thursday! As I look back at the blogs I have written, and ahead at those still left to share, I am awe struck at the strength the Lord has given me through my journey. As many of you know I listen to Christian Radio, Read my Bible, Read devotionals as well as countless posts from other believers. They all fuel my fire and renew my mind. The more I learn, the more I love. The more I seek, the more I find. It truly is a vicious cycle!

I subscribed to K-loves Encouraging Word this year. They say the encouraging word throughout the day on the radio itself, but they email it as well. This was the one from Tuesday and I just love what it says. For I know the truth behind the words. Without further ado, I introduce to you from Isaiah, Chapter 41, verse 10, taken from my email quoting the NLT:

Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

Doesn't it just warm your heart to know that this promise is true! No matter what you are going through, what travesty you are facing, what mountain lies before you, Don't be afraid or discouraged. He will hold you up. I can't help but smile for I see so vividly how many times I have been held up and strengthened. There is no denying it.

This morning I heard the testimony of a man on K-Love who said he had the most amazing revelation almost as if Jesus was in the truck with him and he just knew even if he were the only human on the face of the earth Jesus would have come for him. I know that feeling myself. I smiled. The man made the comment about how personal the feeling was as if Jesus had reached out to him right there and filled him with that knowledge. It is my prayer that all my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ have this same revelation regarding themselves when it comes to the Love Christ has for them.

Sometimes I feel guilty being so joyous in my confidence of God's love for me. I know no matter what happens tomorrow, God will still love me. When it all boils down to nothing if you have a relationship with God, you are going to be just fine. It reminds me of Janice Joplin when she sang, "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose" there is an element of truth to that. Many people add stress and fear into their lives due to the things they don't want to give up or lose. Possessions and belongings and even relationships can imprison you. When you have nothing there is no fear of what you may lose. I am free today for I know I have everything I need. I have God's love. 

Last night after I read Mike the blog "Dissed, Disowned, Disgraced and Darn Near Destitute" I asked him what he thought. He said, "Scary". I laughed and asked, "What do you mean by scary? What all we went through?" He laughed and said, "No, your memory of it all. Amazingly scary." I asked him, "Okay, aside from that what did you think?" He said, "I liked the ending." I was surprised, "The prayer?" He said, "Yea, it was really good." That made me smile. At one point in time Mike was not impressed by the prayers of others for others. That is obviously not the case today. Don't think a person can never change, it truly begins with the renewing of one's mind. Put in positive and positive will begin to flow back out. 

He ventured to ask me what my next title was that I was hoping for healing from and I said, "Landing on a Ledge". He shook his head and repeated what I had said as if asking a question. I said, "Yea, here I have been for the last couple blogs commenting about how I was tumbling straight down a mountain I couldn't stop long enough to get my footing. I was so confident that because you had asked God for me and had won me that you would always be for me. I felt we were so in love then I never saw what happened next coming and when it happened it was like wham, I landed on ledge so hard it took my breath away." 

As we carried on our conversation, Mike made the statement that we had really been through a lot. I said, "Yes, you are blessed to have a girl like me. You look at all of that and how calm I was through it all, even when I was 28 weeks pregnant with twins. You do realize all that I blogged about in that last chapter happened within the first 6 months of our relationship?" He said, "Wow." I said "I know. I never freaked out on you once." I may not have realized it fully back then but I was held strong by God's victorious right hand. Jesus Christ died for me. He died for you. Grab a hold of that truth. Recognize that Love and hold tight to your Faith. I promise you, He will see you through. 

I am encouraged to share a song, hoping you enjoy it. Sung by Brandon Heath "I'm Not Who I Was"

I am blessed to have Mike know both who I was and who I am today. I went to God when I needed help with our relationship and I was shown how to manage and today I stand with Mike and am thrilled to announce that January 18, 2014 we will be renewing our vows and for the first time saying them in front of family and friends as well as praising God as we share how we went to him alone the first time we said our vows. It will be exactly 10 years from our very first kiss. It was only do to my following Jesus that we are where we are at today. 

I just want to let you know, what ever you are facing today, whatever obstacle seems to large to overcome, with God all things are possible. Trust in that and walk in Faith my sisters and brothers. You will LOVE who you become and how your view of things will change. You will discover Joy in the midst of madness. 

Please leave me a comment on this post or any post you read. We are meant to encourage one another and comments lift me like I cannot even put into words. Nothing stokes me more than being an inspiration to someone helping them find their way home. The most awesome gift one can give to another is "The good news". You want to truly help a friend out, help them build their Faith. Through Faith they will find hope and when they stick the course they will discover Love. God is Love. Love is God. It truly is as simple as that!

Father God, Today I come before you and ask that you strengthen me when judgement from non believers strikes. I thank you for filling my life full of fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. They help with their encouraging words. Thank you for always being there. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your council over the years. I love who I am in you. I pray I am a light for others. I pray you use me to call others home. I pray I am a mighty warrior in your army of saints. Use me Lord in ways I can only imagine. Allow me to be a voice in the darkness. Let my story of triumph be heard. May my testimony reveal your Grace and Glory to all who stumble upon it. May it inspire others to not only seek and find you but to in turn share the good news so that a wave of triumph becomes louder than the news of dark deeds. In Jesus name I pray.

Amen

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Keeping Jesus in The Middle!

Today is Tremendously Thankful Thoughtful Thursday. As I say it's full name, it makes me inhale deeply as I close my eyes and send a virtual hug to my Heavenly Father. Perhaps it is the word Thankful I placed in it that causes the surge in my heart. I will forever be thankful to God for everything. It's where I am at. I think it's referred to as rest. I am so much better about not fretting. I KNOW my God has it. Whatever ails me, or haunts me, I give it to Him now and it is my Faith that allows me to see the mountains placed in front of me turn to dust. I am blessed for such visions.

Today I am also thankful that I put God in the middle of my marriage to Mike right from the beginning. You see, if you have previously read the blog "A shotgun wedding" you know I never wanted to marry Jeff. I felt like I was robbed. Once divorced, marriage no longer held as much significance to me. So much so that I married my next two husbands for all the wrong reasons. I divorced them without guilt. I had never gone before God and requested his blessing on any of those unions. I never prayed on or over any of those marriages.

When it came to Mike, he was the first man I WANTED to marry. So much so that it caught me off guard. I wanted to be good with God where we were concerned. I remember standing with him, holding hands, looking at each other as we asked God to bless our union and said our vows to each other. We were in his mother's condo. It was February 14th. The same day Michael was conceived. While it may seem weird, I had never felt more married in my life. There was no license involved. There was no witness in the room other than God and the twins. When we finished our vows, my heart soared.

I truly believe Mike and I were meant to be together. I feel blessed to be loved by him. The major factor in me seeking God for help when it came to our marriage honestly has to do with the lack of love Mike was showering me with. It's not that he stopped loving me, it was that his heart was hardening. At one point in our relationship you could say he was so miserable, living with him was overwhelming. I saw so many blessings in our life. I would often ask him, "Why are you so miserable. Look at where we are, what we have together. We are blessed. How can you not see it?" He would all but snarl at me.

At one point I put his oldest son's picture in a collage on our wall. I thought his hardening of the heart was connected to the loss of that relationship. Having his son taken from him had hardened his heart so much so I feared Mike would never find his way to to Faith, Hope and Love. I encouraged him to get in contact with the mother of his child again. Due to how things had abruptly ended between them, Mike's entire family had honored the agreement between Mike's step-father Larry and Sarah. They all felt Mike did not deserve to have any contact with his son. His brother refused to give Mike any contact information. Knowing what I did about Mike's parent's pasts, I was astounded by the judgement and lack of love and understanding from Larry more so than Marie, Mike's mom. Mike's brother refused to give Mike any contact information. He and Mike have a unique relationship for brothers. Mike then begged his mother for a number or an address to write them. His mom, after having Mike promise he would not cause any problems, provided him with a number for a parent or a step parent of Sarah's. She reminded Mike to stay civil in all conversations. Mike called a couple of times and left messages saying he just wanted a chance to build a relationship with his son. No one ever called back. I encouraged him to not give up, but Mike was more negative in those days. He felt defeated in the matter.  This greatly impacted everything. When all seemed hopeless, I turned to God for help. I prayed fervently over it. If you have read my blog, "Show me a sign", you know a little about where our relationship was heading a few years ago. By keeping my focus on Jesus, I was shown how to handle things with love.

This weekend, Mike is going to get to meet his son for the first time since he wrecked his car while in a high speed chase with the police. At that time John was a mere 18 months old. He was in the back seat, strapped in his car seat when that event took place. I find it ironic that he was arrested close to independence day and he will be reunited with his son a few days before independence day 12 years later.

I pray this will bring things full cycle for Mike where his heart is concerned. I know how deeply Mike loves John. He may have an inkling himself, but just like after the birth of our first son Michael, (one of the stories God inspired me with this week), Mike is going to be hit with emotions he has never experienced. All I pray is he feels God with him when the damn breaks and the water rushes forth.

Today Father, I come before You and pray that everyone realizes a marriage without your blessing is nothing more than a legal document. That is it. Nothing less, nothing more. I know this as truth for I have been married to 3 different men with a license to do so. All three marriages failed and in the same manner I was divorced by man's laws. However when I was at my wits end with Mike, I sought out Your blessing to leave him because I sought your blessing to be married to him in the first place. Having you in the middle truly makes all the difference. I pray you open the eyes of all who have curiosity regarding this matter of marriage. I also pray for protection over our trip and Mike's reunion with his son. May the evil one be kept at bay. May he find no entrance to enter into the situation. Fill both Mike and Sarah with a calm that cannot be denied comes from You Father. Allow John to see the love his father truly feels for him. I truly believe it is Your will for these two to be united again and I thank you for again always being Faithful Father. Your Grace is such a gift. Only you can pull of such miracles when it comes to the healing of hearts. Thank You! Thank You! Thank You! In Jesus name I pray. Amen!

I end with a song that touches my heart every time I hear it for the truth it reveals. Enjoy!

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

How I Fell in Love with Mike

Who knew when I called into the physic line I would really have part my future foretold exactly how it would come to pass. I never really believed in that stuff, but I had three free minutes and life was in an absolute upheaval. I was currently married to a man I'd been with for the previous 4 years. Because of his side business, our lives were turned upside down in a matter of a morning.

I knew in my heart that he had been cheating on me for the last year or so. I simply had no proof. I have never been one to jump to conclusions. I was more of a "give them all the rope they need to hang themselves" kind of girl. So, in a desperate moment, with my 3 minute free physic reading card in hand, I dialed the number listed. The girl on the other end asked me a couple of basic questions. When was I born was one of them for sure. I honestly don't remember what else she asked me. I can vividly remember watching the clock. Next, she informed me she was going to use tarot cards. I think she had me tell her when to stop shuffling. After a moment she said, "I see that you are married. Shortly after Christmas that marriage will be completely over. Before the next month ends, you will fall in love and you will be pregnant with twin girls. You will travel a lot in the first two years and things will be extremely rough on you. If you make it beyond these two years remaining together you will be together". I slammed the phone down. My three minutes were up.

 "TWINS!" I exclaimed out loud. Ha! I was not going to EVER get pregnant again. No way. My oldest two were teenagers now. I was a hop, skip and a jump away from finally being able to live my life for myself. The year was 1997. Rodney, my second husband, was currently on trial. His final court date was scheduled in March. He was looking at a lot of time but I had no grace where that was concerned. Had he listened to me, he would not have been in the situation he was in. I did take the time to locate the best lawyer for his case. I also took care of paying the lawyer. I battled his family regarding how they shunned him. I informed his mother that when you love someone you stand by their side through the mess not just the glory. I wanted to believe he had not betrayed me. Even more so when his lawyer said, "Tell me you kissed this girl. It only had to happen once and I can have this case thrown out.", and Rodney swore there was nothing ever between them. His lawyer did a great job and even though he could have been sentenced with a lot more, Rodney was placed on work release for 90 days and sentenced with probation for 1 year I believe. The probation may have been longer. I honestly do not know.

He was about 3 weeks into serving his 90 days when I informed him that I wanted a divorce. I had found and read the discovery report and I was positive he had indeed been cheating on me. He insisted we go to marriage counseling. He swore he had never cheated on me and we just needed to work out my feelings and emotions in a healthy way. I told him, albeit sarcastically, that since the issue seemed to be mine, I would begin therapy on my own and when he got out we could continue together. After a few sessions my therapist said, "You know Wendy, you have a really good intuition. My advice to you would be to listen to it quicker." I looked at her and she continued, "My philosophy is, "If it sounds like bull it usually is."

I took that line and went in to see Rodney at Goodwill in Noblesville where he was the store manager. I informed him that I knew he had slept with the girl he had denied sleeping with because his story sounded like bull. I said I don't want to hear anything else from you unless it's the truth. I am filing for a divorce tomorrow unless you confess everything. I turned leaving him in his office and headed back to mine. Rodney showed up at my office unexpectedly within an hour of me leaving him. He pulled me into another room, closed the door and confessed everything. I listened as I silently screamed in my head. I showed him not one ounce of Grace.This was the second time he had cheated on me. This cheating on me was made worse by the fact he had gone out of his way to beg me to be friends with this girl. That goes way beyond a little white lie. In my heart I knew it all along.  My mind did not want to believe it. The best thing about Rodney and I WAS our friendship. I had no idea how I would ever recover so, I refinanced the house, paid him the $5000.00 he demanded to set me free as well as gave him every asset we had collected together, minus the house, for my freedom.

While going through counseling, I was asked why I gave up basketball. I found it an odd question but Sue had a way of getting you to slide back in time. It was the first time I had slid back to that fateful day. The ball echoed in my head so loudly. I explained to her what had happened moment by moment as if in a trance. When I finished, she asked me why at 14 did I tell the man "Look there's my daddy"? I shook my head and said, "No", I said, "Look, there's my father.". She reiterated, "No", you said, "Daddy."  she then stated, "I think you were in a similar situation at a very young age and you reacted the same way you did the first time. Can you recall anything happening to you before say age 4?" I shook my head no, but was admittedly shaken by her analysis.

Seeing how I had no recollection of ever calling my father daddy, I went straight to him. I told him what Sue thought. He said he knew of nothing himself but thought I should live in the now and not ponder on things that may or may not have ever happened. You know how your mind works though. Mine did not stop attempting to recall.  Needless to say, this led to a flashback. An actual flashback. I was in the room. It was a single flash but it was enough. I was driving around 465 when it happened and I came to with the pedal to the medal aiming at an overpass. I managed, by the grace of God, to get the car under control. I was freaked out beyond words. I drove straight to Sue's and told her what happened. She said I needed to go see my family doctor to get a prescription. She was afraid with my type of recall I might accidentally hurt myself and she needed help with controlling my issues while we worked on my past. She mentioned that she would contact my family doctor herself to fill her in on what was going on with me.

My family doctor immediately placed me on Prozac. This little magic pill created a very nice warm fuzzy feeling at first. Kind of like a "life is good I have no cares" kind of high. I liked it. Sue, however, did not. She was visibly upset when she found out I was taking Prozac. That was not what she had wanted me on. I didn't know why it mattered. I was beginning to see Sue as a possible threat to my puffy cloud.

I had been on a bowling team that year with Kelli, my assistant office manager at the time, and her Aunt. They had a summer two person league opening up and Kelli's Aunt wanted to join it. Another couple that Rodney and I hung out with were bowling in it and I thought it would be fun. I agreed to be her partner. Rodney was still in jail at this time. Cassy and Billy had a couple more weeks of school left before they headed off to their father's for the summer. I thought this would be a perfect way to fill my time. Kelli's Aunt ended up getting ill and could not participate. Terry, the bowling alley's manager, had promised to team me up with someone. That is how and when I met Mark. I was without a care in the world. He seemed nice enough. He fed quarters to Cassy. Honestly, I thought he was a little on the feminine side. When that is your instant opinion, it causes you to put down your guard. I thought he was likeable enough. Over the course of the next few weeks Mark and I got to know each other a little better. He sold me a barrel of lies and I, feeling sorry for him, confessed my story.

Without knowing more than where I worked, Mark showed up at my office the weekend after we had participated in moonlight bowling with my friends that Rodney and I used to hang out with. It surprised me that he took the time to find my office. That was the beginning of our relationship. With my guard down and floating on a cloud, I began to feel sorry for Mark and the life he was living. He portrayed the picture of both a good father and a betrayed husband, a hard worker. He had 3 jobs when we first met. We had just begun dating when there was a close call in the family and the Brooks were heading to Virginia to pay Mark's grandmother a visit. Turned out they could really use my van and I could ride down with Mark and we could have a mini vacation. I went. I enjoyed the heck out of our time on the road. It was the first time I had taken two days in a row off work at Glidden Fence in 2 1/2 years. I was on such a high on the way home, I asked Mark to stay the night with me. He said, "If I stay tonight, I won't ever leave." I said, "That's fine with me." At the time Mark was working 3 jobs. I barely got to see him. I thought this would make things easier.

The next time I went to see Sue, I told her about Mark. She said, "Oh so you have found yourself a night in shinning armor to save the day." I denied what she said and left her office more irked at her than I had been prior. Prozac is a dangerous "cure" for those struggling with emotional issues.

I'm not sure what was the cause to my birth control not working. I often wondered if it had to do with the Prozac. After not conceiving a child through my entire time with Rodney, I suddenly found myself pregnant by Mark. I instantly recalled my fortune reading. I cannot tell you how badly I freaked out when I realized I was pregnant. After all, I left Rodney in March of 1998. I reasoned that March was shortly after Christmas. I had found myself entangled in another relationship by the end of July and granted it was more like two months later that I found myself pregnant, it still sounded eerily close to the truth. After all, I reasoned, those physics aren't exact to a T in what they tell you. As it turned out I was only pregnant with one girl. Not twins. Mark and I did travel a little in the first two years and I convinced myself that if he could just conquer his drinking problem all would be well. Sadly, I honestly thought if I could help him have Faith in God that I would be excused from all my sins. How I wish I knew then what I know now about "works".

Mark putting down the bottle and turning to God never happened. I imagine I will blog on those chapters of my life as well, but for now, I needed to set the scene for how my relationship with Mike came to be. As God led me to blog on both prayers and keeping your focus on Christ, He did the same with my life story. You see with both those blogs, when I sat down to write them, I knew in order to blog on what God had excited me about, I needed to go back a chapter to do justice to the verse. In this same way, God excited me with 4 titles: "Exciting, no doubt about it, God was there" chapters of my life with Mike. Only to discover that when I sat down last night to blog about one of them, I could not jump right in. I was going to have to start with chapters I did not care for. I must admit I am happy to have this part of my life's story mostly behind me. I am sure details will be added later. For now the above synopsis will suffice.

The first day I met Mike was August 3, 2003. He walked through my door with his father. I was informed I needed to get him an application form and a W2. He was our newest employee. Over the next few months we formed a friendship. I often gave him advice! I had no idea he had a crush on me.

That same year, Mark left me for another girl right after Christmas 2003. I honestly had no intentions of getting with anyone. Going from Rodney to Mark after Jeff, Jimmy and Bruce and a couple others I have yet to have even mentioned, had left me convinced men were all the same and not one of them was worth my time. It was January 14th when I awoke from a dream around 3 in the morning. In the dream, Mike had called out to me to give him a chance. He promised he would love me like I deserved. I literally sat up in my bed and said out loud, "Mike?" and went back to sleep. I could not get him out of my head after that try as I might. Every time I heard him in my head I would think to myself he is so much younger. I would tell myself I was delusional. January 17th, 2004, while I was waiting on William and his friend to come out of the hockey arena, I couldn't stand it another minute. I managed to work up 20 seconds of insane courage and I called one of the men to inquire if they knew how to get in touch with Mike. They asked me why I wanted to know and I simply stated I needed  to ask him a question. He told me to try Larry, Mike's dad. He thought he hung out there on Saturday night.

I called and Larry answered the phone. I asked him if Mike was there. He informed me he was and gave Mike the phone. As casually as I could, I asked Mike if he'd like to join me at my house to play cards. I told him we needed another player. He said sure but he'd need a ride. I told him no problem, I'd swing by and grab him on my way back to dropping William and his friend off. If he knew I was checking him out, he never let on. At the table our knees hit and I swear a bolt of electricity flew through my veins like nothing I had ever experienced. When the game ended, I offered him the couch. I walked him over to it and when I turned around he grabbed me and kissed me. I literally fell off a cliff. It was like nothing I myself had ever experienced. I swear, the ground fell out from below me.

When the first kiss was over,I asked him, "When were you born?" He replied, "Age does not matter."  I informed him, "I don't care about the year, all I need is month and day. He told me and then began kissing me again. I continued to fall. The next day, I looked up his date of birth in an astrology book and discovered his date of birth was one of six dates listed as being compatible with me. My heart was overjoyed. I continued to tumble for the next 10 months. Our relationship had begun. We were together every spare moment after that.

On February 4th, I knew I was pregnant. I had never felt so pregnant in my life. I took a test and sure enough it was positive. I called my OB/GYN and informed them. They asked me about my dates and suggested I come in for a blood test to make sure. The very next day, they called me and asked if I'd come in for an ultrasound. I thought this was premature but they explained it was a normal procedure due to my age and the dates of my cycle. I didn't think much about it and went to the exam myself. I was on the table and watching the screen in front of me when saw the heartbeat. The woman operating the ultrasound equipment move the instrument slightly and said as matter of fact and dry as possible, "That's what we thought. A second heartbeat. You are having twins." I was speechless. Suddenly I recalled my fortune. I knew they were both going to be girls.

I end here because I know what I am meant to share about this event. We are not meant to look in the future. We are meant to trust in God. My looking ahead changed things. I invested in an unhealthy relationship because I knew the first two years were going to be rough. The psychic had warned me about it. I mistakenly believed my fortune was coming true. I know now why we are warned against this type of activity in the bible. I did not know it prior but I so understand the importance today. When you peek into the future, you have no idea of what time frame you are peering into. That lady did not warn me about another failed marriage after the failed marriage I was already in. Who saw that coming? Not me. I considered her a fake by the time Mike walked into my life! After it was announced I was pregnant with twins it all came rushing back. She was dead on. That realization sent shivers down my spine. I no longer look at astrology books or call on psychics. I warn everyone to stay away from them as well. This is for your own protection.

Father, today I come before you and say thank you for so many blessings. I look to the heavens and am dumb founded that you take the time to pay attention to me. I am so grateful. So many of my fellow brothers and sisters are searching for an answer Father. I pray they are kept from searching it out through dark forces. I pray they turn to you Father. Keep them from temptation. Those who are battling past memories or overwhelming emotions, I pray they turn to you. I pray they stay away from these so called pharmaceutical helpers. You are the healer of emotions and heartaches. I pray more and more recognize the void they feel inside is the relationship they are missing out on with you. I thank you for Mike. I thank you for the life we have together. I thank you for his love for me. Even though some days he and I don't see things the same way, with you in the middle, we are stronger. Thank you for answering prayers. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

How I Became a Single Mother

Good morning! How have 13 days passed since I last blogged on my own life. In my heart I know the answer. These next 5 years are like swimming across treacherous water. I have remembered so much. Some things so awful I am impressed with myself for actually moving beyond them. I say that for at this stage of my life I hold no grudge against Jeff. Many times in my life I have felt sorry for him. With that being said, let's get through this and beyond to better years!

I was 19 years old. I had two babies. One was 6 months old and the other was 20 months old. My husband thought our youngest was not his because of the color of his eyes. His mother along with her friend had planted that seed. I'd been yanked out of bed by my hair and thrown on the floor. It ended with me escaping to the car with the babies and him pulling a gun on me. By the grace of God I'd gotten away alive.

I did not call the police. I honestly was numb. How do you ever get beyond something as dramatic as that? Without God you never could. Jeff and I did not have God in our marriage. I don't know to this day if Jeff even believes in God. This entire next year is kind of a fuzz for me. I thought perhaps if I reflected on it I could remember it all better. I did remember things down the road but this year must have been dark as night for the details are dim.

I think because of the situation I was in and the lack of support from family and Jeff's plea that he would never touch me like that again, I believe I went back home. I do know it was at that time I made a pledge with myself that I would never allow myself to become dependent upon another person. I was not making enough money to be able to save a single dime. Without any savings I was trapped or so I felt like it. I was working at Dairy Queen and had just been promoted to Breakfast manager! The new position came with a raise! Things were beginning to look hopeful for me or so I thought.

During this time Jeff's parents had moved to Noblesville. He spent a lot of time with them. That was fine by me as it gave me space. Seeds when they are watered and nourished will grow. This is the case with the seed that Jeff's mom had planted. Jeff was now being told that they had seen me in our car with another guy driving through Noblesville. When Jeff came to me with this I was dumbfounded. I told him it was all lies and nonsense. I offered to take him to work with me and I'd show him my time card. I don't know why he refused to take a look but he was convinced somehow I could get around a time card. Without trust you really have nothing. I knew in my heart I had to get away before this got nasty again. I wasn't sure how I was going to achieve this but I was working on it. It was during this time frame that Chris Glidden came through my drive through and informed me she was looking for office help. She offered me $1.50 more an hour than I was making. I took her up on her offer.


One day on my way to pick the children up as I crossed SR 32 to the other side of Springmill the traffic had stopped. As I came to a halt I glanced over to the car in the next lane. Low and behold it was Jimmy. Yes the Jimmy I'd kissed in the cooler when I was only 16. Our eyes locked. I think he was just as shocked as I was. We both had our windows down. At the same time we said each other's name in surprise. He asked me to pull over up the road and he'd turn around when the traffic moved again. I did. We stood and talked for about 15 minutes catching each other up on our lives. He told me I looked great for our age. I was like, "Our age! I'm only 18 . . . 19 . . . 18 . . . no 19 . . . how the heck old are we?" He laughed at me. He told me if I ever left Jeff he'd love to take me on a date. We went our separate ways that day but honestly Jimmy did not leave the back of my mind.


It was not long after that that Jeff and I had another fight. As I sit here I know things were rocky before I ran into Jimmy. With the realization that another man still found me attractive and worthy of his time in my head, I know this did not help our chances of making it to happily ever after. It is as close to cheating as I had come in my marriage. You see like I mentioned before abusive men beat you down verbally before they take that first swing. My confidence in myself was close to non existent before my run in with Jimmy. His invite to date me had give me some added courage to walk out the door empty handed. I went to my mom and explained to her how dangerous my situation was and that I needed a place to live. I was already paying her to babysit for me. I just needed a place to stay until I could get on my feet completely. I told her I was going to find a second job and I thought I might be able to get out on my own. She agreed to let me come live with her if that was what I felt was best. It was after William's first birthday that I finally moved in with my mother. She was in the process of planning her wedding to the guy who lived behind her. We were discussing me purchasing her home. I was excited for the first time in forever. I could afford to rent my mother's house on my own with a roommate easily. The thought that after a year or two I could also purchase the home from her thrilled me to no end. Things were looking up for  me.

I found a second job at night waitressing at a Steak n Shake in Nora. Jimmy had contacted me through Glidden Fence and we'd started dating even though I had not filed for a divorce yet. I had been shopping for a lawyer and I was working on accumulating the $500 I had been told I'd need to file. Jimmy made me feel beautiful and smart again. He made me laugh. He had an inner struggle regarding sleeping with me as his family and him were very Christian. It didn't take long to get beyond that hurdle. Here I was still married and I was now sleeping with another man. I justified it because I had left Jeff and if I had the money I'd have filed for divorce already. Regardless all of Jeff's worries of me being with someone else had finally become a reality.

One night when I came home from my second job I walked in the front door and low and behold who is sitting on the couch but Jeff. I froze in the doorway. My mother was in her chair and she said, "Wendy, Jeff came here to talk to me about you and him. I know you are set in your divorce but I think you should listen to him. After all you two have children together. Do you really want to short your children of a life with both parents?"

Somehow I managed to move. I closed the door and sat down at the other end of the couch. The gist was this. Jeff loved me. He felt awful about all that had gone wrong between us. He wanted another chance. If I still decided I wanted a divorce this time next year he'd pay for it. No questions asked. I was told to sleep and think on it. My mom really pushed me to give him another try after all what did I have to lose. Was I going to be selfish like my father or would I put my family first? I caved under the guilt. Jimmy bowed out of the picture and wished me luck with my marriage. He did not want to be the one to blame for it's failure.

There was one major problem with this plan. Jeff was an abusive person. He didn't love me anymore than I loved him at this point. I had been with another man and he knew it. This did not help. I honestly could not stand for him to touch me in the bedroom. I did not feel loved by him in the least.

The girl I had run away with was pregnant with her own first child. I knew she was around 5 months along when she arrived on my doorstep crying one night. She asked if we could go somewhere and talk. She saw the hesitation in my eyes and whispered. My baby is no longer alive, please I need someone to talk to. I told Jeff I had to go with her. He was not happy to say the least but he allowed it. You see Donna was currently dating a man of color and Jeff was as racist as a person could be. He did not want me associating with Donna but with the news he was allowing an exception.

I took her down to the Pizza Hutt and we ordered some bread sticks. I guess I was gone with her for too long. When I came back home Jeff attacked me from behind screaming something like Nigger Lover at me. I ran down the hall way to the bathroom and tried to lock the door. He was right behind me. Somehow I escaped the bathroom and ran to the other end of the house to our bedroom. Again I was a second too slow on getting the door closed. He picked up the lamp that had no shade or shade holder as that had been broken off of it and launched it at me. I tried to jump out of the way but the lamp landed on my foot burning it and cutting it in the same instant. I screamed in pain. It was my howls that stopped Jeff from hurting me further. Instantly he was crying and telling me it was all a mistake. I was numb. I had heard this too many times. He called my mother and informed her we'd had a fight. He asked if she'd be willing to babysit the next night so we could have some alone time and work things out. She agreed. I pretended to agree. I was done. I went to bed. The next morning I got up and pretended I was okay. I rode with him to work and when his crew pulled out I went home packed up everything that was important to me and I took it to my grandmother's. She of course was on Mackinac Island for the summer but she told me I was free to use her house.

Over the course of the next couple weeks Jeff was not allowed near me at work and he did not know where I was staying at night. I did not keep him from our children, he could visit them through my mother.  He knew I wanted a divorce. Seeing how I had not stuck to my end of the agreement . . . sticking around and working on my marriage for a year, he was off the hook for having to pay for our divorce. Again I was shopping for a lawyer. Lena found me one for $250 total. I met the man paid 1/2 down to get the ball rolling. All I wanted was my last name and my children.

One night after work there was a knock on the front door. When I went to answer it, Jeff was standing there. He had followed me from a distance. I never noticed. My heart lurched. I slammed the door and locked it. Refusing to let him in, he went home and called my grandma's house. This of course is in the days before caller ID and I answered the phone. It was Jeff. He informed me if I did not come home and talk to him he was going to set everything I'd left behind on fire. I told him to enjoy the blaze. I had all that was important to me already and I hung up.

I finally got my own apartment in the fall of 1989 and my Divorce Decree was finalized on December 18, 1989.

I am happy to have made it this far in my retelling. I again am out of time to write and this is as good as any place to stop. Today I pray for anyone who is in a dangerous situation. I pray you seek outside council. Get yourself some help. Things will never improve on their own. You need God.

Wendy, Mom of Many

A Shotgun Wedding

This chapter is a continuation from "My Scarlet Letter".

That summer I developed a crush on a guy named Jim and another guy named Jeff was interested in me. I have never verified this but I was told by a mutual friend that he was paid $50 to do and say what he did and said to both Jim and me.

I worked drive thru mostly. I was a runner and cashier. It did not matter who I was teamed up with, all of my teams had the best times. Yes, I think this counts as gloating! Anyway, my favorite team was Jimmy and I. There was electricity that flowed between him and I that was undeniable.

I imagine that is why Jeff devised the plan he did. Jeff had this dream of being in a rock and roll band and I always wanted to be a writer. Anyone who knew me for any length of time knew that about me. I was always writing. Poetry. Short stories. It didn't matter really. At home both Chris and Dad had made comments about how I was only going to amount to a girl who sat in a corner and wrote. I would do creative writing assignments for fellow classmates just for the challenge it provided me. Sick isn't it? Who desires more homework? Me! That's who. Anyway, I had offered to write some songs for him and his band. I guess Jeff liked me and wanted to take out the competition because according to our mutual friend Rick he had lied to me about Jim after being paid $50 by Jeff to do his evil deed. (This I found out later in life when Rick and I reconnected for a moment a few years down the road)

So the story goes. Jim had kissed me in the cooler the night before. It was amazing. The next day I was informed by Rick that Jim felt like I was throwing myself at him and he really wasn't interested in me. I was told he wished I'd stop flirting with him because he had a girlfriend in Noblesville. I was devastated. I decided to put up a wall of ice towards Jim that he never saw coming. When he went to Rick (our mutual friend) to inquire if he knew what was going on with me, Rick told him that I was not interested in him and felt pressured and wished he'd stop flirting with me. I was already in my "no attention" zone so Jim took his words as truth just as I had.

With Jimmy firmly out of the way, Jeff invited me over to his place to work on some of the lyrics "with the band" that I still had not met. When I arrived there it was just Jeff. He was 4 years older than me and quite seductive I must admit. While not yet resolved to sleeping with him, I began hanging out with Jeff more and more. I never did meet the rest of his band . . .

The summer was closing in on the start of school and I had discovered that my step-mother had gone to visit her sister in Kansas and would be gone for two weeks. She had always gotten in the way of my having a decent relationship with my father. All the way back to my early childhood . . . somewhere between 6 & 8 while visiting on a summer day, I suggested that an ice cream cone sure would help cool things off. Chris informed my father that I was attempting to "wrap him around my little finger and trick him into doing things for me and I must be stopped." This was done within earshot. All my life Chris mandated how close my relationship was with my father. With her gone I thought this would be my last chance to spend some honest quality time with my father without interference. I discussed this with my mom as I decided going back a week prior to school was what I wanted to do. The same day I went back Chris came back too. She had had a falling out with her sister.

Another school in Zionsville offered this "bring a friend to school day" on their first day. A friend of mine (Shelly) went to school there and she had invited me to go to with her for the first day in school. This was my junior year and the gist was back then when you were in your senior year you could decide where you wanted to go to school if you paid to go outside your zone. I was such a radical kid back then . . . I didn't smoke, I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink. I wasn't even participating in any sexual relationship . . . yet. I wanted to spend my day off work at a school! Whew! What a wild child I was.

When I approached my father with what I intended to do he told me no. Being more open mouthed after a summer with my mother, I questioned his decision. He told me I couldn't go because he did not know this friend. I suggested that while he may "know my friends" he didn't really know them and maybe he could just have a little faith in me. Things got a little hot and he asked me, "Why did you even bother to come back?" I looked at him and said, "To be honest I was told Chris was in Kansas and I was hoping to have some time with you without her." He called me a liar. I said, "You don't F*****g believe me, I'll call mom and you can ask her!" and I stomped to the phone. I grabbed it and marched to the table as he said, "What did you just say to me?" Being allowed to cuss openly over the summer had just got my rear in hot water. I knew what I'd said but I stated the following, "If you don't believe me, I'll call mom and you can ask her." It was too late. What happened next was far from pretty. He pushed me into a chair so hard I went head over heals right out of it. Before I had my bearings he was yanking me back onto my feet. I stared intently at the floor. He demanded that I look at him and being me I had to push it. "I refuse to look a maniac in the eyes." I replied. Again . . . not the wisest thing to say. Things went from bad to worse and as he tried pulling me down stairs out of view and earshot of my younger sister, Cady. Chris gave Tommy, my brother, instructions to bar Cady in her room and she walked around the corner as calmly as one could and said, "Okay that's enough, let's go downstairs and discuss this." No sooner than we got down the steps here came Cady. She was very upset and she demanded to know why my father was beating me up. He assured her he had not been beating me up . . . he explained that we were only dancing the way that the French people do. My baby sister is and was no fool. She is now in the profession of helping families with issues.

From that moment I welcomed my destiny and I went to Jeff and gave myself to him. As a matter of fact, I sought out Jeff every morning before school. I was confused after two months of this that I had not conceived my first child. I began thinking perhaps my destiny had been cancelled due to my outright spiting God and being angry with him over the last couple of years. I decided perhaps my life was my life after all and I needed a change. While discussing this with Jeff he informed me that he had  connections with someone who could give me a whole new identity. It would cost me $1000 but with that I could buy all I needed to become someone else. I began budgeting and saving more and figured I'd have that saved up before the end of November. We planned for me to make my final escape come Jan 6th. 1986.

You know what they say about the best laid plans . . .

Prior to Thanksgiving I came down with my annual tonsillitis. This time things had gotten really dangerous. Chris believed if my body was forced to fight off the illness without medicine it would become stronger. Unfortunately, I ended up running a dangerously high fever on the third day of being shut in my room. Chris had come down to check on me, as the story is told by Donna's father who she ran into at Westfield Pharmacy picking up my prescription. He told me she'd said, "Wendy was out of it so I slid the thermometer into her mouth." According to the story I sat up and spit the thermometer out and began yelling, "Turn the Page".' I had fallen out reading 'That was Then, This is Now' by S.E. Hinton. My fever in seconds had registered 105 and Chris who weighed maybe 115lbs at the time dragged me up a flight of stairs, got me in the car and drove an hour to her doctor in Tipton with the windows down. When we got there her doctor was off and I was seen by an alternate. I have never heard a doctor tear into an adult the way he tore into Chris. He threatened not only her but to also have her doctor pulled in front of the medical board if my tonsils were not removed. I got a shot of penicillin in my butt and my surgery was scheduled to take place right before Thanksgiving.

This slowed down my ability to stash money a little but it had not stopped me. I had the money required and was now working on funds to carry me until I found a job under my new identity.

Much to my dismay, my father and I ended up in another spat. This time in the car and over my clarinet. When he went to backhand me, I managed to get out of the way. My poor sister, who was in the middle, ended up getting my punishment for my smart mouth. I was horrified. That night I resolved to leave sooner than planned. I confided this in a notebook that Donna and I passed back and forth between classes. Somehow my plans to leave were shared with the new school counselor and she called me out of class into her office. I managed to convince her that I had no plans to leave. I explained to her that this journal was simply my way of venting. I told her I was under an immense amount of stress and had developed a bleeding ulcer. I begged her not to call my parents that day but to allow me to come back to school in the 5th period the next day with my real mother and with her there I would be open to a "family" meeting. I told her if she called today my parents would keep me from this doctor appointment to have me and my bleeding ulcer looked at. Lies. Complete lies. If Chris had gotten her hands on my journal, I'd have been hosed. That was the real truth. I told Donna I was leaving in the morning and she, for some odd reason, decided she wanted to go with me. I told her I'd be going over to the apartments Jeff had lived at and trying to catch a ride to catch another ride to French Lick. I was going to find Jeff and move ahead with my plan of purchasing a new identity. This was December 9th . . . almost a month ahead of schedule but I had more than enough money stashed to jump.

That night I took down my poems and journal that now spanned 3 of the 4 walls in my room from ceiling to 3' above the floor. I left one sign I'd made that stated, "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone" as well as a poem that started out "Children and Parents, A match made in hell. When I escape, Things will be well." During the current school year, Chris had ransacked my room often so I put my diary on the wall. I knew she never even looked at what I had put up or we'd have had a talk. She did however stumble upon a decoy letter I'd left in my sock drawer one day. It was a prank letter. I started it out as if it were meant for a friend and just as it was getting juicy you had to turn the note over 1/2 way into the 2nd line my sentence changed to "Hey Chris! I hope you enjoyed this story. I ran out of time to finish!" I came home to my door off the hinges and I was grounded for a week. Well worth the price is how I viewed my punishment. I was being punished for creative writing in all honesty. She was mad about my pure evilness. As far as I was concerned, I had proven that she was indeed snooping in my room! She claimed she thought I'd somehow taken some of my sister's socks as the reason for finding the note. That in itself was hilarious to me as I had been doing my own laundry for the last couple of years! She and I both knew Cady's socks were not in my room.

I informed my brother that I was skipping school that next morning. I felt bad about leaving him without telling him what I was really doing but I couldn't risk him knowing my plan. I knew if he knew they'd know he was holding back information. I reasoned if he knew nothing he'd have nothing to hide. I heard later that he went through a lot of questioning as they were sure he knew something even though he did not.

When I arrived in French Lick I found Jeff's sister Kim but Jeff was not around at the time. He had actually gone back to Westfield for some reason. He showed up on my parent's doorstep looking for me and was informed I had run away. He was honestly surprised at the turn of events as we'd been out of contact since late October. The last he knew the plan was still the plan.

He showed back up in French Lick after I'd been there for 4 days already. The heat was amping in the search for Donna and I  . . . to this day I'm not sure why she came with me but she did. Jeff decided it would be best for us to hide out at his parents farm house for the time being. He was being so sweet and protective over me. He cooked us dinner on the burning stove and I caved in on sleeping with him that night. The next night, lights panned in the drive and Jeff ushered Donna and I up into the attic. We hid there while the local Sheriff asked some questions and looked around a little. We were not discovered. They had informed Jeff that Donna's boyfriend had been arrested for withholding information and if they saw us we needed to know this. The only way he was going to be released was if we both returned.

After a VERY long discussion it was decided that we would go back. Jeff did not want to be caught with us so in a gist we had him drop us off and Donna called her dad and he came and agreed to take me to my mother's house. I don't know why I thought my mother would protect me. I wasn't in her house for 15 minutes when she informed me my father was on his way to come get me. I jumped up grabbed my back pack and ran in my old room. I got in the closet and hid all my writings in the attic. After they were safely stashed I came back out, sat down, and waited for my fate.

My father drove me straight to the police station in Westfield and demanded that "Justice be Served". Running away is against the law. He left me there. The detective / policeman ( back then Westfield had like two police cars ) was curious as to how I had escaped. He said, "We had dead end tips from everywhere but seriously . . . you vanished into thin air. How did you pull it off?" I was not talking. I knew if they had an inkling of anyone who may have helped us they would be pressing charges on them. I was not going to be a part of punishing those who had only tried to help me with my scheme. Realizing he was not going to get anywhere he drove me over to Hamilton County Jail. Even though I was a juvenile they had no room so I was being taken to the main jail and would be safely locked in solitary confinement. I will say this, being booked was an awful experience. I was strip searched, de-liced and completely humiliated. As I've been told by various people in law enforcement all of this was necessary. In response to that claim, I state the following: "I don't have to live with how many of these "officers of the law" uphold the laws when it comes to themselves . . . that is their cross to carry. I only know this, they instilled in me a fear of them that runs all the way to my core." Many of the arresting officers inside the jail itself seemed to relish in their "duties".

On my way to being escorted to court, I was informed by the officer taking me that I was only supposed to serve one day in Hamilton County but since my friend's parents had refused to turn her over, I'd served a day for her as well as a day for myself. I'm not sure what he had to gain from that comment. Regardless, the elevator opened and there was my father on a bench and on the other side of the room was Donna with her parents. I was brought over to my father and I sat down on the bench beside him. He said, "Part of me is proud that you have a spine and seem to show no fear here . . . the other part of me wishes you were more like her." He motioned over to Donna who was currently puking due to the stress of going to court.

When we were called into the room, I had asked to be released into my mother's care and was denied. I was being released to my father and step mother. It was now December 20th. By Christmas I knew I was pregnant. I could not believe it. Here I'd tried to push that destiny for two straight months and nothing. Yet, when I ran away, I ended up conceiving. I decided life was ironic. I hadn't said anything about being pregnant yet. Chris informed me I was being taken to her doctor to be put on birth control. Still I said nothing. When she took me there I was taken back and her doctor began telling me about birth control options. I looked up at him and said, "Shouldn't you perform a pregnancy test before you prescribe me birth control?" He stared at me and asked if I thought I needed one. I shook my head yes. Sure enough the test was positive and I was taken into another room. He began informing me that it would be in this baby's best interest not to be born. I was shocked. I hit him with two barrels of "How is this upholding the view of 'Saving Lives' and your Hippocratic oath?" We argued for a moment about the beginning of "life" and he finally asked me, "Do you want me to give her the news or will you do it?" I informed him with an hour ride ahead of me I'd prefer to spill the beans myself. He told me to get dressed and he'd meet me out in the hall. When I left the room he was standing with Chris. So much for doctor patient confidentiality. The beans had been spilled.

A family meeting was called and my fate had been sealed. I would marry Jeff. I felt like I'd been thrown into the dark ages. While defiant as hell when it came to Chris and her demands. . .  such as when she informed me I was going to have to burn Jeff's letter jacket. I told her something like, "If you insist on me having no respect for other's things you may get more than your bargain for. I'll burn down your house before I'll burn his jacket." Yes. Defiant is a good way to state how I was reacting at this stage of my life. When I was told I had to get married, I flipped out. I begged to be thrown out on my own and disowned. Chris informed me it was marriage or abortion and seeing how I wasn't 17 yet, they'd march me down the aisle or I could be tied down to a bed and have my baby ripped out of me. Dead panned I looked at her and said, "You kill my baby, I kill yours." Horrible. I know. I wince at it myself. Like I said, DEFIANT to the end.

The day following my threat, I was driven to the court house and my father signed the license for me to be married. I was only allowed two 15 minute calls each day and during one of these calls I begged Jeff to find a fake preacher. I told him, "My parents aren't going to check the credentials. I will live with you but please I don't want to marry you."

I don't know why Jeff thought it would be in his best interest to force me to say vows I didn't long to say but he did. Knowing in my heart that once married, divorce was frowned down upon, I decided that this must be the beginning of my new life and I cried my way down the aisle and faced my fate like the trooper I had become!

This has been a long chapter I know. As you have read, I was not the smartest when it came to dealing with how my parents felt about me and how I was living my life. Unwise decision after unwise decision without input from God had taken me from the frying pan to the skillet so to say. In the years to come you will witness again and again how far one can go on the road to hell. . . at times in my life you'd almost believe I was on a race to see who could get there first!

Today I pray that before you react to some event in your life, you take the time to pray on it. Sit still for a moment or two. Blessings to all who try,

Wendy, Mom of Many