Kings Verses Queens!

In my new line of business, Sundays are often referred to as the hardest day of the week. This is due to the truth that most people check out of their hotel room on Sunday so your odds of having 16 checkouts increases dramatically. In all honesty, for the last few days that I have worked, it seems that I have had no less than 14 checkouts. I have even joked that I didn’t think a Sunday could be worse than days I had already faced. Today, I ended up with the dreaded 16 checkouts! The only good thing about a checkout is that you have no fear of not being able to get your 16 points due to having a customer refuse service while there are no other available rooms for you to grab. When that takes place, you are no longer allowed to stay for your full eight hour shift.

Right now we are so slow that we are lucky to get put on the schedule for four days a week, with that being the case, no one wants to be sent home early. So when I picked up my board this morning, I quickly scanned the list of rooms that were placed on mine. I am blessed to have already earned my own section, guaranteeing me my own cart which thankfully I had been able to get fully stocked the day before. I sighed as I realized I indeed had all checkouts in my section along with one room on the fourth floor.

When we get our print outs, as long as the rooms on it are computer printed, we can tell which rooms are kings and which ones are queens. When a room number is written in, unless you have it memorized, it is a guessing game on which kind of room it is. A king room is preferable as it has only one bed, all queens have two beds in them. Regardless, both types of rooms are only worth one point. Seeing how the math works out to allowing 17 minutes per room to get it stripped and restaged, a second bed is not only a lot more work and lifting, it takes a few minutes more to complete. I quickly scanned down my list and realized I had a minimum of 5 queen rooms. For the life of me, I could not recall what the room upstairs was. Since that was the case, I knew I would be skipping both of my optional 15 minute breaks. By the grace of God, I was down to my last two rooms with an hour left to complete my duties. I opted to go upstairs and do the room on the fourth floor. One of the stockers had come by with the linens I needed and I asked him if he knew if my room upstairs was a king or queen. I mentioned that I feared it was a queen room and he replied, “4208 yeah, I believe it is a queen room.” I laughed tiredly and stated I was off to get it out of the way. When I popped open the door, I realized it was a king room and I literally put my one hand to my mouth, choked back a sob and my eyes literally teared up as I thanked God for my little blessing. It may sound silly to most of you but one less bed is a major thing when your back hurts as much as mine does!

Honestly it amazes me that I am able to perform the daily work that I do. In less than 60 days, I have dropped so much weight that Mike has begun to call me, “skinny girl”. I only own two pair of comfy pants and they are both getting kind of silly big on me. I have to roll down the tops so that the waist is thick enough to stay up. Since they are both gifts from my Grandma from Mackinac Island, I refuse to give them up. I will have to put a stitch in them soon.

Tonight I came home and put on a pair of Mike’s sweats. Marissa asked me where I got them. When I answered that they belonged to her dad, she said, “Wow Mom, you really are getting skinny!” to which I laughed.

Mike asked me the other day how I was able to deal with my job and my rate of pay. I told him it was due to the fact that I tell myself I am not going to work, I am going to physical therapy and a weight loss program. The craziest thing is I get paid to go instead of having to pay for it!

I caught myself in the mirror the other day and about fell over. When you wear only lose clothes, you don’t really see the change that much. I have not been on a scale, but one thing for sure is I have not been this in shape since before Jeffrey was born. Who knew becoming a maid in a hotel would change all that! In my heart I know the answer, "God did". I have mentioned more than once that He often answers your prayers in the strangest ways!

I have no idea how much longer we will continue to reside here. Who really knows how long they will be in one place? What I do know is that I will enjoy each day that I am here. I will continue to view my job as something other than it is. One of the best blessings that has stemmed from my job would be the new sister in Christ that I have gotten to know. Her name is Katie and she is a follower of Christ. I have made mention before that there is a difference between being a Christian and being a follower of Christ. It is nice to have someone I see that spurs me on. Just seeing her in the morning puts a smile on my face!

Tonight when I got home, I was able to enjoy listening to some Christian music and I heard this new song. I had to laugh for I do believe I am living a crazy life right now. I am blessed to know where and how to find peace in the mix of the craziness but I thought the gist of the song was perfect for the majority of those seeking a better way, unfortunately I have been unable to locate the song on You Tube myself. When I do, I promise to add a link to it as well as the lyrics to this blog. Christ promises us peace in the midst of the madness and this is basically what the song is pointing out. If you have not accepted Christ as your personal Lord and Savior yet, I can only assume that is due to the fact that you do not know who He is. I invite you to learn just who He is today; especially if you yourself feel like you are leading a crazy life without peace!

A lot of people ask me where to start. They make mention that they read or try to read the Bible but that it makes no sense to them. I once was in your shoes myself. In 2012, God called me forth to begin telling my story. To date, I have published a trilogy . . . three true life books in one that I have been told are really well written. I have been blessed to hang out with and love others who have read my story. My nick name no matter where I go seems to become, “Miss Sunshine”. I secretly like it for to me it means that I am indeed a light on a hill, otherwise why would people always call me by such a name?!?

Jesus stated, [14] “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. [15] Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. [16] In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven” (Matthew 5:14-16, NIV)

I invite you to read my story in hopes that you may come to faith in Christ. Simply click here today to own your own copy of the book that God called me forth to write. It is my prayer that in reading, your eyes and ears are opened and you are drawn into your own relationship with our heavenly Father. Life can be abundant. Don’t you want that for yourself and your loved ones?

Wendy, walks with God, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2015

What is Your Purpose?

Wild Wacky Wonderful Wednesday What Whimsical Wonders Will you remind me of today? I could hardly believe it when I looked out my window and saw snow on the ground and the car! Seeing how it's not even November yet I would certainly count that as both wacky and wild however wonderful and snow don't go together in my book anymore. My children on the other hand were super excited about it all. Just goes to show you it is indeed the way you view things that affects your attitude toward outside circumstances!

Yesterday I went in for my monthly adjustment at Dr. Woods in Westfield. He is the chiropractor that God put in my path. I know this for sure for when I found him in all reality it was his office that had found me. It was around May of this year and while my back has been in major pain since my fall it was at this time that my feet were beginning to swell and swell bigger than they ever had. I knew it was pressure on my spine and I knew things were getting bad by the size of my feet but we were so busy at the office there was simply no way I was going to have any time to look for a chiropractor I could afford. I went to bed both crying and praying for my pain ridden body. That week we received a call from Dr. Woods office offering a free assessment and adjustment in exchange for a can of food. Amazingly enough Dr. Woods is right in Westfield by the Kroger on SR 32 & Carey Road. A mere ten minute drive from my office! I set up an appointment with him that evening after work right before bible study and silently prayed that he would have the hands to help me. Up to that point I had been to several doctors and even massage therapy and at one point I saw a chiropractor for six months but never got better so I stopped going. So the two girls I drive to bible study with met me at Dr. Woods office as we were pushing time with my appointment. When Jean, one of the girls arrived she began telling me she wished I could see her Chiropractor for he was amazing. Right then Doctor Woods walked down the hallway. As it turns out, he was Jeans chiropractor. She was right, he has a gift. Without any equipment, he showed me what was going on with my spine and in an instant I knew I had found my doctor. You could see that the way I had fallen in November 3 years ago was exactly what had caused all this twisting and hip displacement. He put together a plan for getting me back in place and gave me my first adjustment. I was a mess. Jean said she could not believe how much I moved as he adjusted me on the table. Now a few months later with his help I was able to begin lifting my feet up off the floor and slowly my pain level decreased and my agility improved. I knew the only way it was going to get even better was for me to begin some type of physical therapy. I needed to drop some weight, lengthen my muscles again and get my body back. I am amazed as I look in the review mirror and fully see the pieces that God put into place for me. The people that he added to my life and I love how He works. Sure He could have healed me in a moment but this way has been a much more fulfilling process. I have met countless believers in Christ along my walk and my life has been enriched in so many ways.

Those of you who read my posts last week already know I had lost some serious inches and you also know that I do not step on a scale every day or even every week. I believe the scale can kill your momentum. But I do check my weight at the doctors office. So the last time I had stepped on the scale was in August and I tipped the scale at 241 pounds. Yes. It is true. Last night when I stepped on the scale I was hoping for a maximum of 220. I about fell over when the scale balanced itself at 211 pounds. I almost cried. I have not been this light which is still 50 pounds above my goal weight in six years! SIX YEARS!!! I know now that I can make it to my goal weight. I have the formula for success and I have a great team supporting me. I don't even care that the world knows how fat I was, it's not like you couldn't see I was extremely overweight by looking at my picture. If anyone seriously wants to know how I have shrunk or any element of my wellness journey, I would be thrilled to tell you what ever it is you want to know. Write me an email. Friend me on Facebook or like my Facebook fan page and send me a message. Here is the link to my fan page if you are on Facebook! https://www.facebook.com/YouAreWorthyToo I'm almost to 500 likes in my first year! Just know I am here if you need a friend or a partner to support and encourage you along the way. And that counts for not just health and weight loss, but mindset and faith and hope as well. Just saying. My purpose is to give others hope.

I too need hope and encouragement. We all do. I turn to God now for my daily inspiration. I get my first dose via Moody Radio and then a follow up with an encouraging word from K-Love in my email. I keep my study bible on me at all times and look up things often. Here is today's encouraging word form K-Love:

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. ~ John 15:5, NLT

I love that. I mean it really does not get any more simple than that. Apart from Jesus we are not going to produce fruit. I don't care what else you manage to get done in this life, if you are not producing fruit you simply are not living an abundant life. There is a big difference in being successful in this world and producing fruit in this world. Not that the two can't go hand in hand, but sadly we often see successful people and they are producing no fruit. To me they are not truly successful for I know in my heart when they close the door and are alone, they are empty and void and most likely know they are missing something. Sadly because we have shoved God and Jesus to the back of the room and honestly right out of the entire picture, people aren't even aware that this is what they are missing. Their disconnect from their creator is the cause of their depression, worry, anxiety, fears and everything else that is not good. They are in need of prayers for sure. 

Father I come to you with joy in my heart. You are such an amazing creator. I love your ways. I love all you have done for me. I love how even when I have strayed you have remained faithful. I shake my head with absolute wonder as I look in the review mirror and see how you have always been there. I love how you are stretching and growing me in ways I didn't even know I needed. You are so wise in the way you work. I love everything about my life today. I love the relationship I have with you. Amazing how that changes everything. Just knowing that I am yours. I am forever thankful. Today I ask that you help those who are blind or lost or fumbling in the dark in search for what may cure their problems, their aching hearts, their fears. Lift them Father. Help them feel your presence. I pray they open their hearts and eyes and minds to you, your wisdom and your love Father. May more of us begin to wake up and get to work! In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Wendy, walks with God,

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden

Landing on a Ledge

Isn't life funny. So much to do in a given day let alone a week. I have yet to blog on Mike and I. Takes a special moment to be able to drift back in time. I know everything is in God's timing and since that is perfect I do not let not getting something done in my time cause me stress. The words will come just as God wants them to.

I have opened but not had time to share K-Loves encouraging words the last few days. I find it fitting that they perfectly blend well together so I am going to share them in order beginning with Saturdays here all in a row on this Terrific Testimonial Tell All Tuesday. Let's see where the Spirit will lead!

Saturday 10/19/2013

I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd sacrifices his life for the sheep. ~ John, NLT

Sunday 10/20/2013

Jesus told her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Anyone who believes in me will live, even after dying.

~ John, NLT

Monday 10/21/2013

Jesus told him, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through me.

~ John 14:6, NLT

Tuesday 10/22/2013

I tell you the truth, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life.

~ John, NLT 

When you read the four in order doesn't it just make your heart soar? This last Sunday was an emotional one for me. We had the most incredible speaker. Just a humble servant of the Lord, but I believe she moved the entire room. I know she moved me. After already beating a cancerous tumor entangled with her spinal cord, she is now battling brain cancer and smiling about it. She would say something like maybe it is not cancer, maybe it is marital problems or teenage issues or whatever it is, it is not your biggest battle. That one was already taken care of for you on the cross. When you take that and combine it with those 4 quotes of scripture, what she was saying makes perfect sense. Sure what we walk through may be tough but if we keep our focus on the Lord we will make it through the valley and we will soar once more. Should we be at the end of this life and it is not planned for us to continue in this earth suit, it was always the end and we should not morn that, we should rejoice for the best is yet to come. When you truly wrap your mind around grace and eternal life everything truly changes. You can begin to live the abundant life that God intended you to live. 

I just heard an awesome song on the radio. As promised prior for those that cannot see the video on their device this song is titled "My Help Comes From The Lord" and it is performed by Chris Tomlin. 

My morning started out with a text from Mike expressing his love for me and that he longs to be married to me. That he never wants to be apart again and he is very sorry for not thinking before. I don't believe his problem was with thinking or not thinking. I believe his problem was with letting go and accepting that Jesus was Lord over his life. Mike giving up power to anyone was overwhelming to him. I just know it was. Then God striped everything out of his life in one fell swoop. Suddenly, he was without his family, his job and perhaps even his freedom. Now, even though he wants to, he cannot return. It is one thing to be behind bars and miss your family, it is another to be out walking the streets, working your new job, eating meals and be so far away from family you'd see them more were you in jail in your home town than where you are each day. Within his first week in Florida, he was picked up on a violation of probation stemming from 2006. Turns out when we left Florida with permission from his probation officer, with the condition to complete a class prior to May 6th, his probation officer did not get a copy of the class, so he filed a violation on him. Mike did do the class and amazingly enough even though seven full years had passed, I remembered where he had taken the class and they indeed still had his file available. You would think with proof of the completed class prior to May, 2006, the charges would have been dropped, but again no, he goes to court on October 29, 2013. His original probation officer wants 60 days in jail from Mike. That's what happens when you have to leave the state is what he has been told. I refuse to fret no matter what happens. If he has to serve 60 days I know it is because God needs some serious alone time with Mike and that is where they connected the first time. That is where Mike prayed to win my heart before he ever saw or met me. Sometimes you really do go full circle. All I know is with each passing day that we are apart Mike grows a little more and ironically while I too am growing, I am also shrinking. I just imagine how much better in all ways we both will be in the end. We had planned to get married for real on January 18th of next year, the ten year anniversary of our very first kiss, before everything seemed to go haywire. I love how we have come to realize what was truth and what was an attack from the evil one. What Satan intended to destroy has grown stronger. It very much reminds me of the story in Acts of the first church. Time and time again the evil one attacked and out of evil, every time, good was produced and things flourished. I know God uses all evils for good and I have come to love His ways. I could never change Mike or make him grow up myself, but God can do all things. I am thrilled that I had enough Faith in Him to finally let Mike go completely. Look at the fruit that is being produced in the end. 

With that being said, I am reminded of how I fell on that ledge the first time where Mike is concerned. If you have read my first two chapters regarding us, 'How I Fell In Love With Mike' and 'Dissed, Disowned, Disgraced and Darn Near Destitute' you know at this point in our relationship I was madly in love with Mike and was seeming to fall down this never ending mountain day after day and then Wham, it happened. I had a warning that trouble was ahead. The same voice that warned me I would lose my money, asked a simple but gigantic question as I unlocked the doors of the van after I had just walked out of a W.I.C. appointment in Grand Junction Colorado, "What are you going to do when Mike runs into Heather?" It came out of nowhere and literally stopped me in my tracks. I had Tia, Travis and the twins with me at the time and I just halted  in the process of getting everyone loaded up into the car. I asked the question out loud myself and instantly I knew the answer. I would have to let him go. I couldn't shake the feeling or the thought that Mike might not truly be mine after all. But that night, as he wrapped me into his arms, I let that voice fall to the back of my head and tumbled down the mountain side once again deciding I was going to lavish up this love for as long as it was mine. A mere month later I was in the same building with everyone and we were applying for job assistance. Mike said he had to go to the bathroom and he went off on his own. When he returned he was clasping a white piece of paper in his hands. He sat down beside me looking almost ill and when I asked him what was wrong, he said, "I ran into Heather. She gave me her number." I didn't breath. He handed me the paper. I feebly laughed and said, "As if you don't have the number memorized already." He said, "No, I didn't even look at it. She told me I was welcome to come to her as long as I left you and the twins. She is not into children." I was surprised to say the least. I took the number and threw it in the trash hoping silently that that was the end of it. 

** Pausing for a moment to play catch up. The twins were born in Florida. From a heartbeat of almost living on the street, Mike landed a job and through it I landed a babysitting job. The owner of his restaurant had four children needing to be cared for and that fell to me. I never got paid, but we were provided a one bedroom condo in exchange. Sadly shortly before the twins were born it was discovered that this man was corrupt. The restaurant closed and Mike and I quickly managed to get into a two bedroom trailer a few weeks before the twins arrived. Mike found another job as a cook at another restaurant but it was obvious he was not happy. When the twins came, Mike's mom was out of the state so, a friend of Mike's had his wife help us out by staying at our home when we had to go to the hospital so that Tia and Travis were taken care of. Mike let me down a little by getting drunk the night the twins were born. He barely made it back to the hospital that night. He claimed the surgery was too awful for him to stomach and he had to drink to get over it. As I lay recovering from a C-section where I was literally cut and then ripped apart due to the doctor needing more room to get the babies out, Mike was in my bathroom throwing up. He did not have the proper identification to be allowed to sign the girls birth certificate so, to this day he is not listed as their father although they both have his last name. We only stayed in Florida through October. Mike quit his job, we sold all we had, packed up all we could and headed off to Grand Junction, Colorado to go live with his best friend from his childhood, Mike Stark, and that is how we ended up in Colorado. Back to the story.

Less than a week after Mike had his run in with Heather, Mike's best friend who I will call Stark and his girlfriend began arguing over trust issues and somehow it came out of the closet that Mike had all but cheated on me the night the girls were born. Turns out the girl I entrusted to care for my children and drive Mike around as he did not have a valid license at the time and I did not want him getting in trouble in Florida thought they deserved a little fun. She got him drunk and attempted to have sex with him in my van right outside the hospital in the parking lot. No wonder Mike was so sick. As the details came out I found myself barely able to breath. This is when I landed on that ledge and had the air smacked right out of me. My world was spinning so fast I wanted to puke myself. Suddenly I understood what was going on. Like a light was flashed in my head. I looked at him and said, "You are trying to start a fight with me so that you can go to Heather. There is no need for that. Call her, Go to her. I will be okay." It was all I could do to hold myself together and even in reliving, it is so very very very painful. Thinking he might leave me for Heather, his first love was one thing. Thinking he let me lie crying for him in a hospital bed while he considered sleeping with just another girl with no meaning behind her at all had rocked my world. I wept for real that night as he slept. 

Things at his friends house were falling apart rather quickly with the fighting and we moved out of there and ended up in a homeless shelter when they had room and on the streets when they did not. Life was rough to say the least. Tia and Travis were acting out badly demanding they get their dad back. Mike was miserable torn between old and new loves. I could feel his heart was not completely mine and it hurt. As night dawned in the homeless shelter and the children were asleep he reached for me. He pulled me into his arms and attempted to kiss me. I turned my head from him. I know he was surprised by my move. I simply said, "You love someone else, I cannot kiss you." Again I wept myself to sleep. 

The next night Mike insisted we stay out of the shelter so we could talk things out. We did. In the end he decided he did not want to be without his babies and he decided he loved me and Heather had been nothing but a girl who played games with him through out their relationship and he decided he wanted to stay with me. Regardless, looking back, so much damage had been done to my heart. Within one month, I had a pretty good wall built around my heart. So much for someone praying for you meant they would do everything in their power to show you their love every day and would never stray. I no longer felt secure in Mike's love for me. It was a very big pivotal point in our relationship. 

The words have stopped flowing and that may be due to these crazy tears streaming down my face. Mike and I truly are back at the beginning. I am by myself in Indiana raising ironically five children again on my own just like I was when Mike and I finally got together. He is in Florida and praying for me again. He may even come back to me from behind bars like the first time. Ten years later we get to start over only this time we have the best foundation. Our love is built with Christ as our Center, our foundation. Who could pull off something as unbelievable as that but God Himself? Of course He has been involved in our love affair from the very beginning. 

As I wipe my eyes, I am happy to have this chapter behind me once and for all. Mike knew I was going to write on it. He asked the other night, "No way around it eh?" I laughed and said, "No" In sharing there will be healing and indeed there is. Love truly is the greatest of all:

1 Corinthians 13:13: Faith, Hope & Love. The Greatest of These is Love

Father, today I come before you and ask you to lift all those in a relationship that are struggling with Faith and love and hope and hard times. Let them see and feel your love. Help them see that to survive and flourish they must invite you in. When you keep your focus on Jesus it will change the way you talk to and treat one another. Even if only one of them is openly seeking you Father like I was, lift them and fill their faith like you did me Father. Help them be so bright their partner will seek your light as well. Should their be children in the mix Father fill these babies with your love and guidance. Shelter them under your wings. Let them know it's not about them at all father. Be the parent that we hurting parents are not able to always be. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Better Off With God!

Super Silly Sing Song Saturday. I have been listening to a lot of songs today. I drove around aimlessly as I waited for my hotel room to open up for the night. Mike and his mom went to Chicago to watch a Cubs game so I know they will be coming through Indiana again to grab his jeep on the way back to Florida.

It breaks my heart that he is going to truly be removed from my life. I know it was the second part of my prayer to have him removed should he not be open to becoming a man after God's heart, but seeing him so at peace about leaving me and his children behind and going on with his life hurts so badly it is all I can do to not fall apart.

In the process of singing with the songs on K-Love earlier, as tears streamed down my face off and on, I heard the greatest song. It is by Sanctus Real. Here is the link to the you tube video I managed to find of it.

I decided to get a hotel room tonight so I could have a place to crash on a real bed and honestly so I could also have a place to lay down where I can finally cry my eyes out. I am human after all. I devoted almost 10 years of my life to loving this man that I once fooled myself into thinking was mine. I watch our children play and I just don't get how he couldn't love our life. It is painful to say the least. I would love to go home and sleep in my own bed, but I am afraid to stay at our home until I know he is not going to be coming back for good. I need to stay strong. He called me last night and asked if I would come spend the night with him. I told him no. I have had countless people come forward and comment how light cannot be with dark. I had several women friends share with me that they knew I was not supposed to be with Mike but mentioned they could not tell me for that type of truth one has to discover for themselves for it to be truly received. Deep inside I have known it for a while. I am stubborn. I thought with enough prayer God would intervene. Sadly there is this crazy thing God granted us with. Free Will. Mike has his own free will and it currently has no desire to listen to God's word.

I have also received messages praising me for my faith. Please know I am just a girl after God's heart. The more I learned about His Word, the more I longed to follow Jesus, the more my eyes were opened to the life I was living with Mike. It was out of a righteous anger that I spouted off my prayer late Thursday night before I went to bed. My grandma always told me, "Be careful what you ask for, you just may get it." Boy did I ever get it. I know this is right. I belong to Christ. I am His. Like this song explains, "Whatever You're doing inside of me, It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace." I would type all the words within this blog for they all hit so right on. It's as close as I can put my feelings into words. I don't think I have ever heard this song before today. I was surprised to see it was uploaded onto YouTube three years ago. 

I am ready for God to open up my world. There is a peace in knowing that Mike is not going to show up with his negativity. In the same breath my heart lurches for I know I will not be with Mike again and that fact hits my heart with such a force it takes my very breath away. How can it hurt so bad to know he will move on as if I never mattered. I guess that is my flesh. For my heart tells me in closing this door I am about to have my world open up in ways only the deepest recesses of my heart have been allowed to desire. I have always longed to be a servant of the Lord. I have always wanted to enhance the lives of others. I have always longed to be a ray of sunshine in the dark corners of the world for others to see. God must know this about me for it says he knows all of your heart. If it is true that the righteous will have the desires of their hearts I can only imagine how blessed my life is about to become. Better than anything I could have ever dreamed up. That is what I am trying to keep my focus on. Peace, Hope, Faith, Joy and Love. 

I had this back flash hit me yesterday as I was in the office. It was a memory from two decades ago of me reading a very detailed horoscope book. In a gist my horoscope claimed I would be better off alone as I was difficult to please, love and live with. It claimed I demanded too much out of a partner and few would be able to withstand me. It recommended I stay alone and never marry!

I realized yesterday that there was truth to what that book claimed but there was also a very big lie with it. This book was put together without God's word. It is another reason one should not dally in such things. The lies stick with you for decades. You see, I have come to understand that I may be difficult for those who are separated from God to love but those that live in his truth will always find me lovable enough. The sad thing is there are less and less men interested in being followers of Christ. The majority that are, are already taken. I feel I will be without a human partner for the rest of my life and I am okay with that now. I have given my life to Christ. I belong to him. He is sufficient. He loves me the way I deserve to be loved. The way I have longed to be loved all this time. I have spent so many wasted years showing man after man after man the love I have to offer only to have it be unappreciated almost as if it were unseen. I know with my desire to be loved, I have gone to lengths other partners would refuse to. I felt I had to, being so unlovable. I spent countless years of my life wondering what it was about me that made me so unlovable. Now I know, it is not me, it is the broken empty men that have been thrown into my path to keep me from fulfilling my purpose. My fellow brothers and sisters in Christ love me. God loves me. Jesus loves me. That will have to suffice for I have no desire to devote another minute to another male partner that needs a ray of hope. I will forever show them the love of Christ but nothing more. I will not be snared in a trap again. I will not be waylayed from God's promises ever again. My horoscope may have claimed I was better off alone but today I know I am better off with God!

Father, I do feel as if a tornado is whipping around inside of me. How is it possible to be at peace and feel like my heart is being crushed in the same breath. It is absolute chaos and I ask you to remove the pain. Take away this ache for I know it is aching for what never was. It is aching over the loss of time. It is aching due to being fooled for I have been a most foolish girl thinking I could fill the hole in my heart with a man. Only you can give me my hearts desires of my heart. I am tired of keeping busy trying to keep a man. Fill my life so full of your work that I have no desire to be sidetracked. Keep my focus on you Lord. Keep my hands busy and fill my life with work. Use me for what you created me for. I am ready Father. I am your humble servant. Prepare me for all you have for me. Reveal it. Put me to it. Please do not allow me to be idle. Thank you for removing the obstacles that satan has attempted to use to steal my joy, kill my dreams and destroy my purpose. Thank you for always having me. Thank you for my beautiful babies. I am so sorry I stumbled in my faith and did not accept three of those blessings. I have often wondered would I already have been fulfilling my purpose had I just trusted in you all along. Thank you Father for never giving up on me like I gave up on you. I wish I had known about your word in my younger years. I am blessed to have been enlightened now. Thank you for not allowing me to continue to wander in the dark. While I hurt today, I trust it will not last long. I love you Father. Thank you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many 

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Children of Divorce or Those With Two Homes

I have had to pray long and hard on where my blog seemed to be heading. I had to make sure it was not about me and my hurts but what I am meant to expose from darkness to light. I want you to know I do not despise Jeff at all anymore. There was a time I could not stand him for what he had put me through. Thank God I am beyond that. Time really does have a way of healing all wounds.

I myself am a child of divorce. My father and mother married at a young age due to my conception. My brother followed me by a mere 10 months 10 days. Stress over finances I am sure did not help my parents. My father left us when I was only 3 years old. I did not see him again until I was close to 5. By age 7, I had been informed by my step mother how unworthy my mother was of my father's devotion. In response to something I had questioned, my mother unloaded a few things off her chest regarding my father. My point here is simply this. That was too much for a child!

My grandmother attempted to clear the muddy water for me by pointing out how young my parents were and how out of line Chris had been with her list of faults regarding my mother. I knew by age 10 this was something I never wanted to do to any child of mine should I have the burden of raising a child of divorce. This was such a big deal to me that when newly married to Jeff we had a discussion how if we did not work out, we were promising each other NOT to do this to our child. It is easy to promise something like that when you are getting along. It is harder to follow through when in the heat of the moment.

If you are a parent that has fallen out of love and are pursuing or have already gotten a divorce from your spouse, I beg you, rise above your own hurt, pain, anguish and judgement. You will Harm YOUR relationship with your child if you talk negatively about their other parent. You may win their love by destroying the other parent but it is Love by deceit. It will not last. Time will reveal truths. It does NOT matter how YOU feel about your ex. YOU don't have the right to bring up their weaknesses to your children. Eventually your child will grow up and they will begin to see things through a new lens. Trust me when I say you don't want to be on the end of judgement and anger from  your child because you felt it necessary to spout off about what a jerk, a looser, a cheater, a rotten provider THEIR father or mother was in YOUR eyes. You are doing yourself and your child as well as your ex a gigantic dis-service with this type of behavior.

I had the pleasure of having this confirmed by my oldest son recently. He thanked me for NOT tearing His Father down. He also mentioned how he had felt robbed of his relationship with me in his youth because of what His Father had told him. Turns out my son sees me for who I have always been. Praise God, I have been redeemed of all the lies and deceit and not by my own defense.

I know fully well how hard it is to bite your tongue when your child is informing you of your faults and failures according to your ex spouse. Especially when some of it is so far stretched from the truth that you find yourself biting your tongue til it bleeds. I know how the heat of that moment causes the human side of you to long to get up on your own soap box to defend yourself. I thank God for showing me how detrimental this type of behavior is. I mentioned once in one of my first few blogs how I wrote down what type of parent I wanted to be when God called me at a young age and informed me I would be a mother to many. This was one of the promises I made to myself. No matter how angry I was at the Father of my children, I would not tear him down in front of my children. EVEN if they stooped to that level, I would not. I stumbled a little when it came to the Father of my 4th and 5th babies. Children lurk around the corner. I warn you to guard your tongue and emotions if your children are close by. In time I will share how this made me feel. Let's just say none of it was warm and fuzzy!

I would also encourage anyone going through divorce to not use your children as pawns. Do not get in the way of your child's relationship with the opposing parent. It's not your place. If you have a spouse that is abusive pray for them. Pray they never hurt your child. The courts are not the greatest at protection. Remember you cannot control everything that goes on during visitation but you can keep your eyes and ears open. Keep a journal if you have just cause to worry. Ask questions wisely. Keep your focus on your child and not the other parent.

You should also know children of divorce have an edge over their parents. Yes. You heard me. We have an edge. If you stoop so low as to inform us of how you feel about the opposing parent, we will one day use this to our advantage. We will brag on how awesome the other parent is or how they do certain things for us. Some of it may not even be true. Stand firm in your own parenting and pray for strength. You are going to need it!

As I end this chapter I am going to leave you with this: It has been flashed to me several times that what was too much for Bruce was the craziness that was continuing between Jeff and I where our children were concerned. The last time I saw Bruce was after we had tracked down, found and removed Cassy and Billy from Jeff's new wife's care. They had up and moved during the children's summer visit. It was Jeff's mom that had alerted me to the situation. I will blog in detail what happened soon. I don't know how it took me so long to realize why Bruce ran and blocked contact. I get it today. I am still praying on revealing these shoes I walked in.

I leave you with this favorite phrase of mine. I came up with it when I walked out on Mike last November. I think I am going to use it as a title chapter . . . it is a bit long but I have been saying it for six months now. "You don't have to be beat up to be beat down."

Today I pray for all children of divorce. I pray for all parents going through the process and those still licking their wounds. I pray you rise above your pain. I pray you seek wisdom on the best way to raise your child or children in a split home. I pray you have strength to get through all the situations that come your way. I pray that you are able to resist tearing your spouse down to gain your child's love. Father I come to you today and ask you to meet those in their pain and lift them. Fill single mother's and father's with strength, peace and wisdom. Fill the children with your Love. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013 

Tomorrow Could Just Be The Best Day of Your Life!

Good Morning World! Today is Wild Wacky Wonderful Weds. Wow!! I have so much to share . . . I need more time to myself . . . Spring has sprung at work and Glidden Fence Company Inc is so blessed this year for we have enough work to keep ourselves all hopping! Feels good after a long winter ♥ Weds are the day that inspired me in changing my mindset! You see, it's the day that I have no help. No lunch break. Some days it's all I can do to get a drink. It's an insane pace but I have made a game of it over the years.

Regardless when going at that pace you are bound to make an error, get yelled at, or have someone get angry with you. I have bawled my eyes out over a customer getting angry at me over something they consider life shattering. Usually it is not an actual life shattering problem, especially when you weigh the matter against the matters of the world, yet I cannot say that to them! 

Today, I pray we all give each other a little more encouragement and slack. I pray we go about our day smiling and being an encouragement to others. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. 

One of my favorite lines from Jesus is when He stepped forward and said, "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone." I had that stenciled out and on my wall when I was a teenager! One day I will share other items I had up as well!

Anyway, Weds were the reason I wrote the blog "It Starts with Your Mindset" If you struggle with the days of the week and associate them in the slightest negative way, I encourage you to check out this blog. Following this formula has totally changed my outlook! 

Speaking of outlook, on my way to work this morning in the midst of singing praises and just smiling as I belted along with the radio. Chris Tomlin, I lift my hands was on . . . You should check it out on YouTube. I believe many of you will love the words. Next came a song about How much God loves us and I was reflecting on all I had been through over my mere 44 years and I was overwhelmed with God's love for me. Next I flashed on how down some of us are throughout our journey. I don't think there is a human being out there who hasn't had an awful day and wished they could go to bed and never get back up. That made me reflect on the sadness of so many ending their lives when they hit these lows and my heart ached. I thought to myself, "I have had days I too wished I could curl up and die but had I, I would have missed some of the Best days of my life!" Yesterday was admittedly the worst day of my life. This was the message I shared with the world:

A Sad Saturday

With that in mind, I would like you to recall the last "Best Day of Your Life" ANY time you hit the lowest of lows and remind yourself that this moment too shall pass. Please get on your knees and pray to Your Father in Heaven for peace, joy, and strength. He is always there waiting for your plea. Ask others to pray for you. Reach out to your fellow brothers and sisters. Please what ever you do don't play with ending your life. After all, Tomorrow could just be The Best Day of Your Life!

Today I pray for all who are dealing with depression. Father I too have been in this black hole. I thank you for showing me I could turn to you any day any time any where. I ask that you go to those who are in pain and darkness and flicker some light their way. Send a hand or foot of Jesus to them Father. I also pray that those of us who are firm in our faith become more bold in sharing your message of Grace and Glory. I pray Father that we step out of the shadows ourselves and regardless of fear that may attack us from the evil one that we push on, headstrong in the fight. I pray we begin to show each other the Grace you alot us Father. In Jesus name I pray! Amen.

****** In my heart, I believe my story was written to help many who are hurting in some way ~ if you are that person or you know a person, please visit this link "The Proof is in the Pudding!" and buy a copy for yourself or a friend!

Wendy,
Mom of many

© Revised 2014 Wendy Glidden © 2013 Wendy Glidden

The Aftermath

I know it has been a minute since I blogged about my past. The last chapter totally wiped me out. Who knew a heart could hurt so massively 22 years after the original heartache? For those that are just jumping in, my last blog ended with me going back to the hospital to hold Amanda Rose, the only baby I ever planned, one last time. It ended with me being told she had already been picked up by the couple I had chosen to be her parents and me in shambles. I would highly encourage you to start back at 'In the Beginning' if your interest is peaked.

**

I managed to make it back out of the hospital to my mother's car. I know today that it was by the strength of God that I was able to do so. When I got home I went to my room and bawled until I fell asleep from exhaustion. When I woke the next morning, I was instantly in tears again. I got up and walked into Cassy and Billy's room. I stood there for a moment and then I began tearing their room down. I dis-assembled their bunk bed. Ripped out the rest of the furniture and toys and then the carpet. It had never been tacked down in place so I rolled it up and took it out of the room as well. I then began painting the walls. By the time my mom got home from work, I had put the room completely back together. All of this 3 days after giving birth. I could not stand to sit still for then my mind went straight to Amanda and then I would begin crying all over again. I must have thought about  contacting the adoption agency and telling them I changed my mind a million times. That night I cried myself to sleep again.

The next day, I decided it was time for me to find a job. I had no car so I walked. First I went to Kroger and put in an application. I also stopped off at the Liquor store on the corner and filled out an application. After that I walked and walked and walked. I ended up at Glendale Mall and went to the bookstore. I gazed at the covers of a lot of books but I don't think my eyes actually read any of them. I was trying everything in my power to NOT think about Amanda and I was not having the greatest success. I walked back home before the sun set.

The next day I decided to walk in another direction and I ended up seeing a sign at a Dairy Queen asking for help. I went in, filled out an application and was lucky enough to score a job interview. The owner hired me saying it was based mostly on my smile. I thought that was so ironic because it was a fake smile. It never reached my eyes or my heart. Regardless, I was hired. I told him I could start immediately so I was scheduled to come in the next evening. I was happy to have something to help keep me busy so I didn't have to think.

Within two weeks of starting at Dairy Queen, I had an interview at Kroger. I had also had an interview at the Liquor store. I even went and took their test and got my Liquor License. I was hired there before Kroger but decided something about that job did not feel right so I called in to let the company know I had changed my mind and did not want that job. They ended up getting robbed the night I was supposed to work. I call that divine intervention. I did end up getting the job at Kroger. Now I had a job during the day and one at night. I offered to work as much as they could schedule me at both places. Cassy and Billy were staying with their dad for another 4 weeks so this was my chance to get ahead financially.

By the time Cassy and Billy were back home, I had purchased a bicycle for me to travel back and forth to work. My mother worked during the day so I had located a daycare I could afford. My mother agreed to watch the children in the evening when I worked. Everything was going according to plan. I was keeping myself so busy I did not have a lot of time to dwell on the emptiness that was enveloping me. Within a couple more weeks I ended up moving from Night manager to Store Manager at Dairy Queen. Ironically at the same time I was moved from Deli to 2nd Baker at Kroger. Now I was working from 10 AM to 10 PM at Dairy Queen. I would bike home, take a shower and get into my Kroger uniform and bike there. The next day I began my routine all over again. Up with the children, feed them breakfast, and take them to their daycare. I would then return the car to my mom, jump on my bike and go to work. I worked 6 days a week at Dairy Queen. I Baked 3 times a week at Kroger. I was keeping busy and that was the way I liked it. Within a month of holding the 2nd Baker position, the Head Baker quit at Kroger and I was moved up to her position. Now I was working three nights on, one night off and 3 nights on again at Kroger and still 6 days at Dairy Queen. At Kroger I was 3 day on . . . 3 days off. I began taking a drug for energy that I found in a magazine. The pills I ordered were called Black Beauties. They helped me stay awake on that 3rd night. I liked being so overworked for the mere fact that when I finally got the chance to sleep, it did not take me long to get there. I kept up this routine for almost 3 months! That was when my 2nd baker quit and instead of sleeping after working 72 hours straight, I had to go in to Bake. I don't know what I was thinking that night, but I ended up taking six black beauties that night. By the time my shift was over all I could think was how badly I wanted to go to sleep. I had that day off from Dairy Queen so it was my intention to go home and crash! I have to laugh because there is NO way I would have been able to go to sleep that morning.

I clocked out and headed out into the sunny morning. I jumped on my bike and headed home. I was speeding so hard on the black beauties that I was flying on my bike. I never saw that pot hole, but it stopped me in my tracks. I flew over the handle bars and landed in Keystone Avenue. The last thought I had was, "Man this is going to hurt". When the lights came back on, I found myself staring up at a man who was leaning down into my face. He asked me, "Do you hurt anywhere?" I managed to say, "My face." and tears began flowing from my eyes. He said, "It's bad but I have seen worse." My whole body hurt. In the distance I heard a women hysterically telling someone, she just knew I had broken my neck. I tried to turn to look at her but I could not move. I realized I was on a stretcher and was already strapped down. I could see a fire ambulance and channel 8 news out of the corner of my eye. The fireman got my attention again and said, "I am going to start touching you starting from your shoulders. Let me know what hurts." As soon as he touched my arm I winced. Without hesitation he cut the sleeve on my shirt. I also winced when he got to my hip and again, an article of clothing was cut. I could not believe I was in the middle of the street in basically my panties and bra with a news crew filming away. I lived 3 doors down from the firehouse. They knew who I was and my mom arrived within a minute of my coming too. They loaded me up in the ambulance. I told them I just wanted to go home and sleep but my mother agreed I needed to be checked out. They thought I had several broken bones.

I ended up having ex-rays for almost every part of my body on the right side. Turns out I only had taken a chip out of my skull above my eye socket, given myself a major concussion. Other then that I just had severe bruising. My eye ended up swelling shut and remained that way for over 10 days before I could get it to open a sliver. My face was so black and blue it was bruised for over a month. It is funny how many women will tell you, "You need to leave that man!" when you look like I did. I tried at first to tell them there was no man. I had done this to myself in a bike wreck. They would look at me with pity and say, "Honey, we've heard it all. You need to leave him." After about a week of this, I would just inform them that I had already left him.

My mom was so mad at me, before I even knew it she had taken my pills out of my room. She told me, "You gave up Amanda so that you could be the best mom you could be to Cassy and Billy and all you have done is work yourself almost literally to death." She was right. She insisted I pick one job and deal with my choice for my reasons had been well thought out.

I have no idea why I am crying again. But I am. I am at Play McDonalds with 6 of my youngest so . . . thinking I need to end this chapter here.

Today I pray for all who have heartache for whatever reason. I pray you turn to God and ask Him to help heal your heart. I pray you are strong enough to lean on others. I also pray for those who minister to the heartaches of others. I pray we always allow the Holy Spirit to work through us. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy,
Mom of Many

Saying Goodbye To Amanda Rose Glidden

My last blog titled "The Only Baby I Ever Planned" ended  with me having a meeting with my first choice when it came to the parents that would raise my baby. This was the last paragraph of that blog:     

                My baby's adoptive mom looked at me and asked if I knew the gender and I told

                her no. She confided she would love a little girl but would be just as thrilled with

                a little boy. She was beaming as if she were carrying my child inside of her. She

                next asked if I'd be okay with her touching my stomach and I said she could. My

                baby moved and she got to feel it. Her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Thank

                You" in the most sincerely loving way a human being could say to another human

                 being.

I only remember attempting to smile at her. What she said next, I was not expecting. She leaned in a little closer almost as if it was a confidential promise, "What ever name you pick will remain the name of your baby." My world rocked. I had not allowed myself to pick names . . . boys or girls. That knowledge sank in. I don't remember how I got to the meeting and I don't remember how I got home. It's all blank. It was late November / Early December. 

I tried to keep my mind off the baby as much as a pregnant woman can. I kept busy. My mom had a paper route . .. . 3 routes actually. All 3 of them were walking routes. Every other day I delivered the papers. It was part of my family duty. I enjoyed it. Fresh air. Exercise. I kept my mind focused on apartment buildings and who in each building got the paper. On Sundays we did the route together. It was good. One of the few times in my life up to now that my mom and I got along. 

My original due date was March 6th, my birthday. They moved it back to March 24th. I arranged for Jeff, Cassy and William's father, to take the children the weekend before my due date. I told him I would need him and his mom to keep them for 3 weeks. I woke up in labor on April 3, 1991, right in time for the paper route to be delivered. My mom checked my contractions and they were over seven minutes apart. My mom went to deliver the papers and I called Lena to have her come sit with me.

By the time Mom got back from delivering papers it was time to head to the hospital. We got there and checked in. I was settled into a delivery room. A nurse came in and asked if I wanted an epidural. I said I did as I wanted to feel NOTHING. She assured me I'd be able to push but I wouldn't feel pain.I was asked if I wanted to hold the baby after it was born. I said no. I was too afraid to do that.  I don't remember much about what we talked about while we waited. I remember someone coming in and checking on my progress and she popped my water. She stated that would speed things up and my mom said, "Boy will it ever". When she walked toward the door, my mom questioned, "Where are you going?" She informed my mother I was at least an hour away from delivering and she walked out of the room. Not even ten minutes later my mom ran out into the hallway to announce that the baby was coming and we needed assistance. As often has happened when I deliver things are not in order and it gets pretty crazy. In no time flat I gave birth to a 9lb 6oz baby girl. The doctor held up my baby and announced, "We have a baby girl."

I was taken clear on the other side of the hospital as I had requested not to be in the maternity ward. Lena came with me. When my nurse came to check on me, I asked if it was okay if I walked around. She said if you feel up to it but be careful. I said I would. When she left, I looked at Lena and said, "I can't stand it. You want to go see her?" Of course Lena did. We went out of my room smiled at the girls at the desk went around the corner and into the elevator. We went down and then across to the maternity ward through a tunnel. I would say it's a REALLY good Walk! The nurse in the nursery was just getting ready to feed her and she asked if I would like to feed her. I could not stop myself. I had to hold her. I fed her, I admired her, I sang to her, I breathed in her newborn sent. Every fiber of my being wanted to keep her in my arms. Right then I looked up and my nurse was looking at me through the glass motioning me to come out. She greeted me with a wheel chair and said, "Child when I said you could walk around, I did not mean for you to take a mile hike. You could bleed to death. We need to check on you come on. I gave Amanda back to the nursery nurse and climbed in the chair. 

I went back again and again to hold her and feed her. I thought long and hard about what to name her. I always loved the name Amanda and hadn't picked that before because Jeff's sister already had an Amanda. For her middle name I decided on Rose. It was my Grandmother's first name and I thought that she was as beautiful as a rose. I filled out her birth certificate and filled out the final paperwork numbly. I was informed they had received Bruce's sign off. I knew that they had found him for he called me only one other time than the time to tell me goodbye. He wanted to know if the adoption papers were the real deal or if I was trapping him into paying child support. I told him I was giving the baby up the papers were not a trick. I was shocked they had found him then but not when they told me he had signed off. 

I was released 24 hours before Amanda. I came back to hold her. I had kept my bracelet on. When I went back the second time thinking I would be able to give her one last feeding, I was informed I had just missed her by fifteen minutes. I fell apart. I am a complete utter mess as I type. I must end here for I feel as if my chest is going to explode out of my chest from such fierce pain. 

Today I pray for all birth moms whose hearts ache. May our baby's know we loved them. May they never doubt that. May we feel at peace with our decisions. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, 

Mom of many

I'm Learning to Be the Light!

Good morning Everyone!! It's Tremendously Thankful Thoughtful Thursday ♥ I heard this song that talks about learning to be the light last night on my way to dinner with Brenda . . . it's how I feel . . . it's what I feel I am already becoming . . . So today I am Thankful for sisters and brothers in Christ. I am Tremendously Thankful for Grace ♥. As we go about our day lets be thoughtful of others. We all walk in awful uncomfortable even restricting shoes throughout our various season of life . . . today reflect upon that!

Here is the link to the song I was talking about! http://youtu.be/6bRMemJf5EQ

So here I was on my way to work this morning and I was thinking about all the cool stuff I get to do today. I hang out with my small group and we are studying Acts right now. I'm totally loving it. On Sunday we just started Hebrews. Two awesome encouraging books in the Holy Bible! For me the Good News proclaimed throughout the New Testament has been life changing. I finally get it. I am a new creation. I will have eternal life. I am forgiven of my trespasses. It's a new day! I will boast in that truth until my last moment.

How awesome to be able to spread the good news. Especially when it comes to a sinner like me. I used to shrink when people would say something about me being a Saint due to all the children I have had. It made me feel like such a fraud. I felt nothing like a Saint for decades. I was my biggest critic. I gave the evil one plenty of ammunition to fire against me.

Nothing like helping the destroyer of lives destroy you! Now when I find myself shrinking from something or having a moment of fear I swell with confidence. I say, "Oh. . . Satan . . . man you are good. You had me for a millisecond and then I saw my fear for what it was . . . it's actually you being afraid of others seeing my light!"

I refuse to not live my life for Christ and that means I will face all my fears head on and with confidence. My God is Bigger than all else! So funny another one of my favorite songs (I only have a gazillion of them) just started on the radio.

 "The God of Angel Armies" here is a link for it:  http://youtu.be/VzIABaImiK4  yes it's looking like a music day isn't it?!

I guess that's a good thing. What is it that they say about music? Something like it soothes the savage beast. For me it helps light me up. I heard another tune today on my way to work that led me to know that today is the day I share one of my darkest moments. It's about how we don't fall in an instant . . . how what used to be black and white slowly becomes gray . . . and instantly I was flashing on my past and the song holds a lot of truth. I didn't change overnight . . . it was with each bad choice I made, I seemed to drift farther and farther away from the path I thought I was going to take. Over the course of time I had convinced myself I could never return to that path and that is when God began calling me home. I was shown the message of Grace and learned about the Truth of Jesus. With that being said, let's get these dark ages of mine on paper.

Before my divorce was finalized with Jeff I had let it be VERY known to him that I wanted no more children.  When I went in for my 4 week checkup after having William I had asked about having my tubes tied. It was then that I learned by law I could not have the procedure done until I was either 25 or had given birth to 3 children. I was so upset. I remember yelling at God about it. Jeff decided to have a procedure done so that he could not have any more children. He did this when we were separated. I remember telling him, "If you are doing this in hopes that we will get back together then it is for the wrong reasons. If you go through with this I don't ever want it to be thrown in my face. Understand this will not win my love." He claimed he didn't want anymore children. Two were more than enough. He went through with the procedure. I have often wondered how he feels about me having had all of these other children. Life is Ironic.

So, as I ended my blog titled "How I became a Single Mother" my divorce was finalized in December of 1989.  To me this meant I could freely date Jimmy. He was working at UPS and going to college so his time for me was short and usually at crazy hours. We had been seeing each other for about two months when I called over to his house to let him know I had the weekend off and it was Jeff's weekend with the kids. This was a BIG occasion! His father answered and was kind enough to inform me he was on a date with his fiancee. My world reeled. One of my friends worked at Apple Bees . . . I wiped away my tears and went up to hang out in her station. When I got there one of her fellow buds was working. He was a nice guy and he had been interested in me. He caught me crying and he put everything he had into cheering me up. Over the course of the weekend he hung out with me and we ended up sleeping together. It was the first time I'd ever had an orgasm. Blew my mind! I suddenly for the first time in my life realized what all the excitement was all about when it came to sex! Richard made me feel so special he was a great friend and a caring considerate man. We began hanging out the rest of the week when our schedules allowed it. My cycle should have started the following week but the time went by without a visit from Aunt Rose. I took a pregnancy test and it turned out to be positive. . .

This next truth is so awful I know it is what held me back from telling this story. I had been with two men in one month. I had no idea who the father was. It gets better, I was worried about how I would be judged for not knowing who the father was. It gets even better than that. Jimmy was white & Richard was black. Once the baby was born there would be no question. I was not sure I could endure the in-between of not knowing who the father was. Jimmy was engaged to another woman and honestly I had no desire to tell him I was pregnant and did not know if it was his or not. I did tell Richard about my dilemma. After all, he was my friend. He offered me an "easy" solution. He would pay for my abortion. Even though I knew it was wrong to take a life I convinced myself it was acceptable. At the time the mantra was "This is your life" or "This is your body and your life". It was an acceptable thing to do. I honestly want to puke reliving this because there was nothing okay about what I did. I knew life began at conception. I took the easy way out. In the long run it was something that would haunt me for years and years.

My friend Donna, the same Donna I ran away with and who I was beat up over, drove me to the clinic and stayed with me. The entire waiting room was full of women waiting their turn. You signed in and then you went and saw a counselor. I honestly don't know what the point of that was because there was no counseling. I felt like I was in some weird dream. I was called back to the room for the procedure and it was awful and painful. Worse than childbirth. It felt like I was being ripped apart. Now we know what happens to the baby inside of you during this process. I cannot tell you how Satan used that against me.

Richard came and stayed with me that first night. I howled in pain. I thought for sure I was dying. I know part of me wanted to die. Richard and I had been great friends. I used to wonder what ever happened to us. Now I know. I pushed him away. Looking at him was too big of a reminder of my deed.

Jimmy called me after my abortion. He had enrolled in the Navy. I was so mad at him I told him I had been pregnant with his child and I had fallen and miscarried. If he reads this blog of mine, it will be the first time he has heard the truth about this pregnancy. I was angry at him. At the time I blamed him for my emptiness. I reasoned, had he not deceived me, I would have never found myself weak and looking for love in all the wrong places. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying. This is Not an excuse. I am just showing how far I had gone down the wide road. I wanted him to hurt. That is not our purpose here on earth. However, it was where I was at by my own doing mind you.

This is just the beginning of my Dark Ages. I am not proud of my past decisions. I do KNOW that God uses all evils for good. I know he is going to use my pain to minister to other lost souls. I am going to be a willing participant in that ministry.

Today I pray for those who have made the same choice I did. I pray that you are brought into the light and shown the truth. I also pray for those facing the decision of what to do when you find yourself pregnant and it was not your plan to become that way. I pray you are touched by a believer so deeply that you never have to face the demon of regret. I pray for all who want a baby yet cannot conceive. I thank God for Christ. I thank God for Grace. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

I will leave you with one last song . . . it's the one I heard on the way to work. The title is "Slow Fade" http://youtu.be/dUa8FSVv5Ag


Wendy,

Mom of Many

Copyright © 2013 Wendy L Glidden. All Rights Reserved.

Terrific Testimonial Tell All Tuesday! My update for March 12, 2013

Hello Internet World & Fellow Friends! It’s Terrific Testimonial Tell-All Tuesday! Yesterday I went to the YMCA . . . gotta be honest ~ the place overwhelms me. All the machines! I haven’t had to work a TV remote in 5 years let alone a machine that can throw me on the floor!  I found an open machine. I hopped on and luckily it was easy enough to get going. I slowly figured out how to increase the speed and change the slant. I will admit it takes a lot for me to walk. I seriously wanted to cry in four minutes. I always do if I have to walk at a steady pace for long. I am determined to figure out how to change this pain that attempts to rob me of my life. I’m pushing myself through “physical therapy”. I am taking it slow. I don’t need to win a marathon tomorrow. I just need to hit my first goal of walking 3 miles in 30 minutes. Last night I walked 1.3 miles in 30 minutes. I know. NOT impressive. However if you could fathom my pain level I think you might have cause to be amazed. 

Two years ago I was in so much pain I wept myself to sleep most nights . . . no crying . . . no sound . . . I hurt so bad my eyes overflowed and I would pray for a moment of sleep. It’s part of the reason I love Melaleuca so much. My wellness level improved. I was eating better snacks and drinking better drinks due to switching stores. Their Ibuprofen was off the charts rocking better than Advil and the ease level of my life improved vastly. Cleaning EVERYTHING from clothes to the kitchen to the bathroom to the entire house and even the cars became night and day different. I smiled the entire time! Honestly I still do. I’ll see something go in the laundry and I’ll think never in a million years will this come clean and wham it does. You know it rocks when Mike gets excited about how clean his work clothes come! Melaleuca was more than enough to give me hope. I loved them so much I told my close friends and family about them. They all decided to try some items themselves and I began earning another stream of income that I used for massages at this time in my life dressing myself was a chore. Everything I owned was purchased by its ease level. I owned no tennis shoes or any “tie” shoes at all. All my clothes had to be comfy or I might not be able to even get them on. It was through my massage therapist that I learned that my hips had no rotation. Funny to admit it but I did not know that until she pointed it out. My inflammation was so awful in my lower back she insisted I get a full set of ex-rays. She told me I needed to find a chiropractor that offered free ex-rays so she could be assured my tail bone was not broken. It was through my chiropractor that I learned why my head was in so much pain. Right after that I went to my first Melaleuca convention. I don’t know what I thought I was going to get there. College like classes was not what I was expecting but that’s what it was. I learned so much science that weekend I will be a customer for life just for their pharmacy aisle and their absolute dedication to enhancing lives.

I came back from convention pretty excited. I knew a lot more than I did when I left. I began using their vitamins and calcium and the headaches stopped. If I go without the calcium for 10 days they come back with such a force it is scary. I discovered that by accident last year. Trust me when I say I won’t be doing that again anytime soon! The experience gave me respect for their vitality line real freaking quick! When I tell others that you will notice a difference when you switch your brand, I am speaking from a source of Truth!

While the never ending headaches finally ended, my pain in my hips and back was not improving beyond where it had come. My hope of a pain free life was beginning to fade a little bit. One night I prayed asking what I needed to do to feel better. The next morning is when I awoke to the song by Carol King, “Beautiful”. I have thought about that advice almost every day since then. Seriously can you for one second imagine being in bed trying to hang onto those last few seconds of sweet slumber when suddenly an instrumental strikes up. It sounds really awesome but you are not ready for music yet. Once you put your feet on the floor pain rears its ugly head and the battle begins. I blogged on this event earlier. All the details of the song and how I came to realize it was not playing on the radio can be found in the blog titled “Give it to God and Let it Go”. This event happened in November of 2011. Then in February of 2012, I met Margie. She helps run a pain management clinic and she put me on a drink that was being shown to help people with pain. She gave me one bottle to try and told me if I thought it helped I should drink 2 bottles a month and then I could cut back my dosage to as little as one ounce a day. This juice provided me with my first “in color dream” I had had in almost 3 years. It helped me be able to sleep which is the only time your body truly goes to town on healing itself. I improved enough to attempt a yoga class for beginners. It was on my 5^th week of class that my right hip rotated. I laugh when I tell the story now because I was fearful for a split second that my leg was popping out of place. I bumped myself up to a stronger juice thinking maybe the rest of my pain would go away but I noticed no further improvement. Next I quit drinking the juice completely to see if I noticed a back slide. I did not.

I am still full blown in my pursuit to get out of pain and I promise to share all and everything I discover on my journey to total wellness.

I am happy to report that the YMCA director returned my phone call and I am getting a full tour tonight along with a wellness assessment! I will keep you posted on how things go. Perhaps I should do a before photo and a monthly photo so that even I can see any improvement! I have been so busy today. I started this blog in the morning and then was away from it for the majority of the day. I am out of time so this is my post for the day!

Today I pray for all who are in pain. I so understand how life robbing pain is. I pray you find strength in your faith. I pray you start your own journey to wellness. I pray that you never give up hope in better days. In Jesus name I pray. Amen,

Wendy, Mom of Many

Copyright © 2013  Wendy L Glidden  All Rights Reserved.