Why I Believe Bruce Left Me

Good morning my friends! Today is Marvelously Magnificent Miraculous Monday! You want to know what I think is miraculous? God loves me! Me with all my baggage. Me with my insecurities and self doubt. I laugh when I think about Jesus saying, "Oh ye of little faith!" for even with all the signs and wonders I have seen, I have days of doubt. It makes me ponder on those we read about in the bible. It is so easy to be on this side of history and say, how could they doubt? I am sure they would say the same of many of us!

God is patient, God is kind
Allow His Word to renew your mind
Pick up your bible and read something each day
I promise it will help keep evil at bay!!

I ended my last "in order" chapter Back Flash with a hint of chaos between Jeff and I having something to do with Bruce deciding that he could no longer marry me. As I mentioned in that blog, I was dragging my feet. I know that is due to how I feel about all that happened back then. Admitting your weaknesses, your faults and your failures is never pleasant. While it turns my stomach to go to this era of my life, until I do, I will remain stuck. I know God has something to share with countless abused women as well as abusive men through my story. I pray for strength and openness as I willingly allow myself to be used for His purpose. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

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It was towards the end of the summer. Cassy and William still had a couple weeks left to spend with their father for summer vacation. I was enjoying the morning with Bruce when my phone rang. Brenda, Jeff's mom was on the other end.

"Wendy, Jeff moved a couple weeks ago. He hasn't let any of us know where he moved to. I think he is in Jasper. I think him and Jodi are planning on keeping the children. He hasn't even let me have any contact with them for two weeks and I'm worried they may move further. I should have called you the day they moved off my property but I thought he would let me know their new address. I am so sorry."

My heart dropped as I told her she was okay. I hung up the phone and told Bruce I needed to locate my children before Jeff knew I had been alerted to the situation.  He decided he wanted to ride with me. I grabbed pictures of both Cassandra and William as well as verified I had a legal certified copy of my divorce decree and headed out the door.

Three hours later I arrived in the middle of Jasper. I went into a local gas station, armed with the pictures and asked if anyone had seen either of these children. The attendant had not but by the grace of God a lady inside the store had. She told me they lived in an apartment complex down the street from her. I came out of the gas station feeling hopeful and headed in the direction she had pointed me in. Sure enough there were two sets of apartments back to back just like she had said. She had no idea which unit they were in but had seen the children playing outside just the other day. I went to the first door and knocked on it. A girl answered the door. I showed her the pictures of Cassy and Billy and asked if she knew which unit my children were in. Again, by the Grace of God she did. I walked around the building to the other side and knocked on the door she indicated.

Jodi, Jeff's new wife, opened the door and promptly attempted to slam it shut. I put my foot in the opening and it was slammed between the door and the frame. I bit my lip and closed my eyes for a second. I heard her say as she attempted to kick my foot out of the way to close the door, "We are getting custody of your children and you will never see them again."

Wrong thing to say to a mama bear. I pushed the pain out of my mind and shoved the door open. Once inside, I called out, "Cassy, Billy where are you?" They came racing down the stairs. I noticed a gigantic scab on William's face. As calmly as I could, I asked, "Where are your clothes?" They excitedly said, "Up here!" and they ran back up the stairs. I walked by Jodi and went up the stairs. The majority of their belongings were still in the laundry basket I had sent them with. I picked up the basket but did not see their shoes anywhere. I asked William how he got that scab. Cassy said, "Jodi did it. She grabbed him by his arm and yanked him into this door." I was astounded by the severity of the wound. I told the children, "Let's go".

Jodi was in the hallway attempting to block my path. She informed me, "You can not take the children." I laughed and very calmly walked toward her saying, "That's where you are wrong. They are leaving with me now." As I walked forward, she walked backward. "You will never lay a hand on either one of my children again." I said as I continued toward the steps. She could have stepped aside, but she did not. Why she continued walking backwards is your guess as much as mine. I will admit I took great pleasure in watching as she lost her balance and tumbled down the stairs. I never had to lay one finger on her.  I helped the children around her and we went out the door. Bruce was standing in the entry way. He never said a word the entire time I was inside. I placed William and Cassandra in the car, put their belongings in the back and told Bruce to drive as I climbed into the passenger side.

Jodi managed to get to the door and I watched as she ran to the neighbors screaming, "Call the police." I think perhaps she must have reconsidered that option due to her abusing William so badly for the police never came after us nor did they ever contact me. It was shortly after that day that I moved in with my Aunt and Uncle while Bruce went to Iowa to locate us a place. As you know if you read the posts, The Only Baby I ever planned and Saying Goodbye to Amanda Rose, Bruce never found a place for us. Instead, he ended our relationship.

Today, I understand how crazy that whole scene must have been for him. I can only imagine the inner thoughts that followed such craziness. I get that what he could not handle was the severity of the drama.

I find it so crazy to have my heart beating so rapidly. Almost as if this just happened. My nerves are so rattled and as crazy as it may seem I am overwhelmed with what I realized today. You see, Cassy lives in Jasper now. Each time I drive through that town I remember hunting my children down with their pictures. I am amazed each time how quickly I found them. I KNOW God helped me find them as quickly as I did. Even though I had felt unworthy of being shown love from God at that time of my life, I clearly see how Faithful He is. What a loving Father we are blessed to have. I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank you Father for your faithfulness. Every time I have knocked you have answered. My only regret is how long it took me to fully come back home. I thank you for never shutting me out.

Today I come before you Father and say Thank you for your love. Thank you for being forever Faithful. Thank You for answering every time I banged on the door. Thank You for loving me even when I did not love myself. I am blessed beyond measure. So many women are going through similar situations as I have over my years. So many abusers so many abused. I know you love them all Father. I ask that you speak to all your children Father. Fill the dark corners of the world with light. Send hands and feet to those who do not yet know the good news. Whisper your love to the hearts of all your children Father, found and lost alike. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Children of Divorce or Those With Two Homes

I have had to pray long and hard on where my blog seemed to be heading. I had to make sure it was not about me and my hurts but what I am meant to expose from darkness to light. I want you to know I do not despise Jeff at all anymore. There was a time I could not stand him for what he had put me through. Thank God I am beyond that. Time really does have a way of healing all wounds.

I myself am a child of divorce. My father and mother married at a young age due to my conception. My brother followed me by a mere 10 months 10 days. Stress over finances I am sure did not help my parents. My father left us when I was only 3 years old. I did not see him again until I was close to 5. By age 7, I had been informed by my step mother how unworthy my mother was of my father's devotion. In response to something I had questioned, my mother unloaded a few things off her chest regarding my father. My point here is simply this. That was too much for a child!

My grandmother attempted to clear the muddy water for me by pointing out how young my parents were and how out of line Chris had been with her list of faults regarding my mother. I knew by age 10 this was something I never wanted to do to any child of mine should I have the burden of raising a child of divorce. This was such a big deal to me that when newly married to Jeff we had a discussion how if we did not work out, we were promising each other NOT to do this to our child. It is easy to promise something like that when you are getting along. It is harder to follow through when in the heat of the moment.

If you are a parent that has fallen out of love and are pursuing or have already gotten a divorce from your spouse, I beg you, rise above your own hurt, pain, anguish and judgement. You will Harm YOUR relationship with your child if you talk negatively about their other parent. You may win their love by destroying the other parent but it is Love by deceit. It will not last. Time will reveal truths. It does NOT matter how YOU feel about your ex. YOU don't have the right to bring up their weaknesses to your children. Eventually your child will grow up and they will begin to see things through a new lens. Trust me when I say you don't want to be on the end of judgement and anger from  your child because you felt it necessary to spout off about what a jerk, a looser, a cheater, a rotten provider THEIR father or mother was in YOUR eyes. You are doing yourself and your child as well as your ex a gigantic dis-service with this type of behavior.

I had the pleasure of having this confirmed by my oldest son recently. He thanked me for NOT tearing His Father down. He also mentioned how he had felt robbed of his relationship with me in his youth because of what His Father had told him. Turns out my son sees me for who I have always been. Praise God, I have been redeemed of all the lies and deceit and not by my own defense.

I know fully well how hard it is to bite your tongue when your child is informing you of your faults and failures according to your ex spouse. Especially when some of it is so far stretched from the truth that you find yourself biting your tongue til it bleeds. I know how the heat of that moment causes the human side of you to long to get up on your own soap box to defend yourself. I thank God for showing me how detrimental this type of behavior is. I mentioned once in one of my first few blogs how I wrote down what type of parent I wanted to be when God called me at a young age and informed me I would be a mother to many. This was one of the promises I made to myself. No matter how angry I was at the Father of my children, I would not tear him down in front of my children. EVEN if they stooped to that level, I would not. I stumbled a little when it came to the Father of my 4th and 5th babies. Children lurk around the corner. I warn you to guard your tongue and emotions if your children are close by. In time I will share how this made me feel. Let's just say none of it was warm and fuzzy!

I would also encourage anyone going through divorce to not use your children as pawns. Do not get in the way of your child's relationship with the opposing parent. It's not your place. If you have a spouse that is abusive pray for them. Pray they never hurt your child. The courts are not the greatest at protection. Remember you cannot control everything that goes on during visitation but you can keep your eyes and ears open. Keep a journal if you have just cause to worry. Ask questions wisely. Keep your focus on your child and not the other parent.

You should also know children of divorce have an edge over their parents. Yes. You heard me. We have an edge. If you stoop so low as to inform us of how you feel about the opposing parent, we will one day use this to our advantage. We will brag on how awesome the other parent is or how they do certain things for us. Some of it may not even be true. Stand firm in your own parenting and pray for strength. You are going to need it!

As I end this chapter I am going to leave you with this: It has been flashed to me several times that what was too much for Bruce was the craziness that was continuing between Jeff and I where our children were concerned. The last time I saw Bruce was after we had tracked down, found and removed Cassy and Billy from Jeff's new wife's care. They had up and moved during the children's summer visit. It was Jeff's mom that had alerted me to the situation. I will blog in detail what happened soon. I don't know how it took me so long to realize why Bruce ran and blocked contact. I get it today. I am still praying on revealing these shoes I walked in.

I leave you with this favorite phrase of mine. I came up with it when I walked out on Mike last November. I think I am going to use it as a title chapter . . . it is a bit long but I have been saying it for six months now. "You don't have to be beat up to be beat down."

Today I pray for all children of divorce. I pray for all parents going through the process and those still licking their wounds. I pray you rise above your pain. I pray you seek wisdom on the best way to raise your child or children in a split home. I pray you have strength to get through all the situations that come your way. I pray that you are able to resist tearing your spouse down to gain your child's love. Father I come to you today and ask you to meet those in their pain and lift them. Fill single mother's and father's with strength, peace and wisdom. Fill the children with your Love. In Jesus name I pray. Amen

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013 

Back Flash

What a journey this has been. I knew the pain of my giving Amanda Rose up for adoption was going to be something to relive. I was not prepared for how overwhelming it turned out to be. If I could have cut out my heart, I think I would have. I cried out for relief. Even in reflection it is still so raw my eyes fill with tears and my heart is heavy. I think it is why I have been calling out to others that are in a dark place right now. I encourage you to press on. Find a Friend. I'll be your friend! I'm already your long lost sister! I know heartache. I am familiar with the thoughts that it would be easier to go to sleep and never wake up again. That is what the evil one wants you to believe. It is a lie.

Life always has twists and turns. Aren't you interested what may be around the next corner?

My life has been a roller coaster for sure. So, this is where I was at. In pain. I see the road ahead I'm being called to share and again I called out to My Father. What next? I have had signs. He has shared things with me. Things I had tucked back in the recesses of my brain. Lately I have been that obstinate child saying how do I share that? I know the answer. I listen for the title that He will give me. Once I hear it and type it in He gives me the rest.

Unfortunately, I've been too busy voicing my fears and concerns over what I am led to share to open myself up to hearing my next chapter title. Ever hear the phrase, "I'm dragging my feet."? Yea, that would have been me.

I resolved last night to pray for direction, protection and strength. This morning I was awakened with my next title. As always, it is so perfect. Back Flash. I've been having a lot of them. So funny that I never thought of the title myself. I know it was because I simply was not ready and willing to proceed. I want to thank all those that prayed for protection over me. I felt lighter yesterday and was able to write a blog. I know it was more for me than anyone. It helped me lift my head back up. So thank you my fellow prayer warriors!

In my blog, The Only Baby I Ever Planned, I shared how Bruce had called me saying that this was all too much for him and he had changed his mind. In the heat of writing that blog I was still in the same mental shape I was in the first time. I was confused and full of overwhelming heart ache. I just did not get how he felt it would be better to abandon me and the baby he had begged me to have with him. I was angry at him still. I had never put myself in Bruce's shoes. I allowed him no grace.

Recently I have had many back flashes and they have not been pleasant to say the least. Somehow I knew I'd have to talk about the turmoil I lived through regarding Jeff and our mutual children. I now understand what it was that was too much for Bruce and in my heart I can no longer be angry at him. Allow me to paint the scene.

My divorce from Jeff was far from easy or pleasant and the repercussions of leaving him haunted me off and on until our children were teenagers. Anyone that has ended a relationship knows full well the battle that often ensues do to each parties hurts. This relationship was one of those. I think it happens more in abusive situations than others and if you've read my blog Staring Down the Barrel of a Shotgun you know full well that mine was an abusive relationship.

If you have never been in a physically abusive relationship and you know someone who is currently in one you may question why this persons stays there. Perhaps you wonder why don't they leave? The most asked question is why do they go back?  I know why. You see, I was that girl.

I promised to publish this blog before the end of the day and it is 11:48 pm EST. I am exhausted but know what I am being led to share. I don't care for it. It's not anything I care to relive but I know God is showing me something. Who knows perhaps many of you will figure it out before I do!

Today I come before you Father asking for more strength and clarity on how I am to share all of this. I thank you for getting me through every rough spot I have been in. I thank you for your Grace. Where would I be without it? I stand in awe of how you have led me to writing again. I thank you for all my education over the years. I thank you for helping me find fellowship. I pray Father that anyone secluded from others find fellowship with fellow believers. I also pray for all who are living in an abusive situation. Please lift them up. Fill them with the Faith you filled me with the last time Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

How I Became a Single Mother

Good morning! How have 13 days passed since I last blogged on my own life. In my heart I know the answer. These next 5 years are like swimming across treacherous water. I have remembered so much. Some things so awful I am impressed with myself for actually moving beyond them. I say that for at this stage of my life I hold no grudge against Jeff. Many times in my life I have felt sorry for him. With that being said, let's get through this and beyond to better years!

I was 19 years old. I had two babies. One was 6 months old and the other was 20 months old. My husband thought our youngest was not his because of the color of his eyes. His mother along with her friend had planted that seed. I'd been yanked out of bed by my hair and thrown on the floor. It ended with me escaping to the car with the babies and him pulling a gun on me. By the grace of God I'd gotten away alive.

I did not call the police. I honestly was numb. How do you ever get beyond something as dramatic as that? Without God you never could. Jeff and I did not have God in our marriage. I don't know to this day if Jeff even believes in God. This entire next year is kind of a fuzz for me. I thought perhaps if I reflected on it I could remember it all better. I did remember things down the road but this year must have been dark as night for the details are dim.

I think because of the situation I was in and the lack of support from family and Jeff's plea that he would never touch me like that again, I believe I went back home. I do know it was at that time I made a pledge with myself that I would never allow myself to become dependent upon another person. I was not making enough money to be able to save a single dime. Without any savings I was trapped or so I felt like it. I was working at Dairy Queen and had just been promoted to Breakfast manager! The new position came with a raise! Things were beginning to look hopeful for me or so I thought.

During this time Jeff's parents had moved to Noblesville. He spent a lot of time with them. That was fine by me as it gave me space. Seeds when they are watered and nourished will grow. This is the case with the seed that Jeff's mom had planted. Jeff was now being told that they had seen me in our car with another guy driving through Noblesville. When Jeff came to me with this I was dumbfounded. I told him it was all lies and nonsense. I offered to take him to work with me and I'd show him my time card. I don't know why he refused to take a look but he was convinced somehow I could get around a time card. Without trust you really have nothing. I knew in my heart I had to get away before this got nasty again. I wasn't sure how I was going to achieve this but I was working on it. It was during this time frame that Chris Glidden came through my drive through and informed me she was looking for office help. She offered me $1.50 more an hour than I was making. I took her up on her offer.


One day on my way to pick the children up as I crossed SR 32 to the other side of Springmill the traffic had stopped. As I came to a halt I glanced over to the car in the next lane. Low and behold it was Jimmy. Yes the Jimmy I'd kissed in the cooler when I was only 16. Our eyes locked. I think he was just as shocked as I was. We both had our windows down. At the same time we said each other's name in surprise. He asked me to pull over up the road and he'd turn around when the traffic moved again. I did. We stood and talked for about 15 minutes catching each other up on our lives. He told me I looked great for our age. I was like, "Our age! I'm only 18 . . . 19 . . . 18 . . . no 19 . . . how the heck old are we?" He laughed at me. He told me if I ever left Jeff he'd love to take me on a date. We went our separate ways that day but honestly Jimmy did not leave the back of my mind.


It was not long after that that Jeff and I had another fight. As I sit here I know things were rocky before I ran into Jimmy. With the realization that another man still found me attractive and worthy of his time in my head, I know this did not help our chances of making it to happily ever after. It is as close to cheating as I had come in my marriage. You see like I mentioned before abusive men beat you down verbally before they take that first swing. My confidence in myself was close to non existent before my run in with Jimmy. His invite to date me had give me some added courage to walk out the door empty handed. I went to my mom and explained to her how dangerous my situation was and that I needed a place to live. I was already paying her to babysit for me. I just needed a place to stay until I could get on my feet completely. I told her I was going to find a second job and I thought I might be able to get out on my own. She agreed to let me come live with her if that was what I felt was best. It was after William's first birthday that I finally moved in with my mother. She was in the process of planning her wedding to the guy who lived behind her. We were discussing me purchasing her home. I was excited for the first time in forever. I could afford to rent my mother's house on my own with a roommate easily. The thought that after a year or two I could also purchase the home from her thrilled me to no end. Things were looking up for  me.

I found a second job at night waitressing at a Steak n Shake in Nora. Jimmy had contacted me through Glidden Fence and we'd started dating even though I had not filed for a divorce yet. I had been shopping for a lawyer and I was working on accumulating the $500 I had been told I'd need to file. Jimmy made me feel beautiful and smart again. He made me laugh. He had an inner struggle regarding sleeping with me as his family and him were very Christian. It didn't take long to get beyond that hurdle. Here I was still married and I was now sleeping with another man. I justified it because I had left Jeff and if I had the money I'd have filed for divorce already. Regardless all of Jeff's worries of me being with someone else had finally become a reality.

One night when I came home from my second job I walked in the front door and low and behold who is sitting on the couch but Jeff. I froze in the doorway. My mother was in her chair and she said, "Wendy, Jeff came here to talk to me about you and him. I know you are set in your divorce but I think you should listen to him. After all you two have children together. Do you really want to short your children of a life with both parents?"

Somehow I managed to move. I closed the door and sat down at the other end of the couch. The gist was this. Jeff loved me. He felt awful about all that had gone wrong between us. He wanted another chance. If I still decided I wanted a divorce this time next year he'd pay for it. No questions asked. I was told to sleep and think on it. My mom really pushed me to give him another try after all what did I have to lose. Was I going to be selfish like my father or would I put my family first? I caved under the guilt. Jimmy bowed out of the picture and wished me luck with my marriage. He did not want to be the one to blame for it's failure.

There was one major problem with this plan. Jeff was an abusive person. He didn't love me anymore than I loved him at this point. I had been with another man and he knew it. This did not help. I honestly could not stand for him to touch me in the bedroom. I did not feel loved by him in the least.

The girl I had run away with was pregnant with her own first child. I knew she was around 5 months along when she arrived on my doorstep crying one night. She asked if we could go somewhere and talk. She saw the hesitation in my eyes and whispered. My baby is no longer alive, please I need someone to talk to. I told Jeff I had to go with her. He was not happy to say the least but he allowed it. You see Donna was currently dating a man of color and Jeff was as racist as a person could be. He did not want me associating with Donna but with the news he was allowing an exception.

I took her down to the Pizza Hutt and we ordered some bread sticks. I guess I was gone with her for too long. When I came back home Jeff attacked me from behind screaming something like Nigger Lover at me. I ran down the hall way to the bathroom and tried to lock the door. He was right behind me. Somehow I escaped the bathroom and ran to the other end of the house to our bedroom. Again I was a second too slow on getting the door closed. He picked up the lamp that had no shade or shade holder as that had been broken off of it and launched it at me. I tried to jump out of the way but the lamp landed on my foot burning it and cutting it in the same instant. I screamed in pain. It was my howls that stopped Jeff from hurting me further. Instantly he was crying and telling me it was all a mistake. I was numb. I had heard this too many times. He called my mother and informed her we'd had a fight. He asked if she'd be willing to babysit the next night so we could have some alone time and work things out. She agreed. I pretended to agree. I was done. I went to bed. The next morning I got up and pretended I was okay. I rode with him to work and when his crew pulled out I went home packed up everything that was important to me and I took it to my grandmother's. She of course was on Mackinac Island for the summer but she told me I was free to use her house.

Over the course of the next couple weeks Jeff was not allowed near me at work and he did not know where I was staying at night. I did not keep him from our children, he could visit them through my mother.  He knew I wanted a divorce. Seeing how I had not stuck to my end of the agreement . . . sticking around and working on my marriage for a year, he was off the hook for having to pay for our divorce. Again I was shopping for a lawyer. Lena found me one for $250 total. I met the man paid 1/2 down to get the ball rolling. All I wanted was my last name and my children.

One night after work there was a knock on the front door. When I went to answer it, Jeff was standing there. He had followed me from a distance. I never noticed. My heart lurched. I slammed the door and locked it. Refusing to let him in, he went home and called my grandma's house. This of course is in the days before caller ID and I answered the phone. It was Jeff. He informed me if I did not come home and talk to him he was going to set everything I'd left behind on fire. I told him to enjoy the blaze. I had all that was important to me already and I hung up.

I finally got my own apartment in the fall of 1989 and my Divorce Decree was finalized on December 18, 1989.

I am happy to have made it this far in my retelling. I again am out of time to write and this is as good as any place to stop. Today I pray for anyone who is in a dangerous situation. I pray you seek outside council. Get yourself some help. Things will never improve on their own. You need God.

Wendy, Mom of Many

Staring Down the Barrel of a Shotgun!

Before I start on this journey and it is longer than I remembered. . . harder in many ways . . .for it goes on much further beyond this tiny chapter . . .  I ask you NOT to feel sorry for me. This is for those of you who are here . . . on this same turn in the road . . . I'm here to let you know a lot of us have been here . . . way too many of us . . . I'm coming back to help . . . I don't know completely all the ways God is going to use me, but I'm humbled to be his vessel. If you are in a situation of utter hopelessness, please, reach out to someone . . . if you feel you have no one . . . reach out to me. I make a great friend (((hugs))). . .

I am not going to go into great detail on my abuse. Jeff never considered what he did to me as abuse for he never outright punched me. I'm of the belief a push is too much. There is no cause to get physical with another person.

With that being said, I'm a planner. I knew the odds of someone who had been abusive in the past to be abusive again. From what I had read, until you become familiar with why you behave certain ways, you are bound to repeat them.

So, for fun, I would run this escape drill. I think I had myself convinced it was really in case our house caught on fire. Regardless, I practiced fleeing my home with two children in hand. I had a set of keys over the back door on a nail. I would start at my room run down the hall into the first room, grab Billy, run into the back bedroom and grab Cassy and then I'd grab my keys hit the door and race to the car. I'd put Cassy in, tell her to get in back and I'd get in lock the door and put Billy in his pumpkin seat, snap him in and then I'd put the key in the ignition and fire the car up. My heart is racing as I recall this in more detail. Obviously, one running from a fire only would not have to practice to this extent. I find it funny how we trick ourselves into not seeing fully what is going on in our world.

I don't know if Jeff and I could have made it with a ton of counseling as well as a healthy relationship with God. I never wanted to marry him to begin with. When you couple that with everything else, we had a rather large hurdle to overcome. Perhaps the knowledge that I honestly hadn't wanted to marry him to begin with was what drove him to behave the way he did.

Regardless of what the driving force was, one night his mother planted a fatal seed into Jeff's mind. I think it was around the end of  May beginning of June because there was no snow on the ground and it was warm enough that having no shoes on my feet didn't bother me. Jeff had been gone all evening. He was in town visiting with his mom. I'm not sure if his parents were living in Noblesville yet or if his mom was up visiting and looking for a place. Whatever the reason was, Jeff had gone to see her. He still was not home by 9 and I had gone to bed. I knew I would be up at the crack of dawn with the kids. I am not sure when he came home. I just know I went from a dead sleep to being ripped out of bed by my hair. I hit the floor and somehow managed to come up on my feet. I don't think I even knew it was Jeff attacking me yet. You can't imagine the heart explosion that causes someone.

Somehow I managed to get my bearings. Jeff was yelling at me. He was calling me awful names and insinuating that William was not his child. His mother and her friend had been showing him baby pictures of a childhood friend of his and saying they thought this guy was the father. They had informed him that because William's eyes were Hazel and not brown Jeff couldn't be the father. They were convinced I must have slept with this other guy. Jeff was out of his mind. He actually attempted to kick me and would have nailed me full force in the stomach had I not evaded the blow. By the grace of God his foot went into our stereo system. My album in the top . . .yes I did say album . . . shattered. He was stuck. I didn't hesitate. Like I'd practiced I ran down the hall way, grabbed William, to the next room, I snatched Cassy. Like a pro, I snatched the keys and raced down to the car. I put Cassy in and she hopped in the back. I sat in the car, locked the doors and put William in his pumpkin seat. I snapped the harness put the key in the ignition, fired up the car, looked up and found myself staring into the barrel of a shotgun. Jeff was 8' in front of my car gun drawn. My breath caught. I knew he was dangerous. I had no idea until this moment how far he was willing to go. I dropped my shifter into 2nd gear and gunned my car, yanking the steering wheel to the left, I spun gravel like none other.  As far as I was concerned it was him or me. I never heard a shot and I didn't feel a thud. I raced down the road without a clue as to where I could or should go. I didn't stop until I was at the stop sign by US 31. I put the car in neutral pulled my emergency brake and sat shaking like a leaf. I was alive. It was all I could think. From the back seat Cassy asked, "Mommy are you okay?" I somehow managed to get a grip. I put on a fake smile glanced at her and lied. I told her everything was fine.

I had no idea what time it was other than it was very very late or very very early. I drove to the closest house I knew. My friend's house from high school, Aretha. She was still living at home. She let me in and we talked. Her mom was wonderful as always. I don't even remember what she said but she allowed Aretha and I space.

I really can't recall much more about that day. I don't think it matters a lot. I would like to say that I never spent another moment with Jeff after this incident. Sadly that is not the case. It is weird how 25 years later I can still be drained by reliving something traumatic like this but I am.

Today I pray for all those who are in an abusive relationship. May you have faith in Our Father and walk out that door knowing that you will be better off. May you open yourself up to strangers who long to help you. I pray you recognize you do not deserve to be treated like this. I pray you are able to open your eyes to the truth. Amen

Wendy, Mom of Many

How I Ended up Pregnant with My 2nd Child

You know . . . I never had any counselling over the incident that happened that summer day when I was 14. The details can be found in the blog titled 'Grounded for Losing my Virginity'. If you have been molested in any way and you think that you can shoved it back into the recesses of your mind and locked it away safely, I am here to say, "It did not work for me."

As I mentioned in a prior blog, 'In Defense of My Step Mother' one of the gifts Chris gave me was the knowledge regarding breast feeding your children. I had every intention of breast feeding Cassandra until the age of 1. What I didn't count on was going into shock every time I breast fed her.

I had been on the program for Woman, Infants and Children at the time. When I went in for my appointment,  it was for Cassy and I. They checked both of our Iron levels and the results were not good. In a nut shell, I was not taking care of myself very well. I confessed to the woman what I was going through and she explained to me that I was not doing Cassy a lot of good. She thought that was most likely due to the fact that when you breast feed, being emotionally tied to it in the beginning helps with the flow of the milk. Since I was so low on Iron, I didn't have enough to give to Cassy through my milk. She insisted on having me change Cassandra over to formula for one main reason. My state of mind. I felt guilty for not being able to provide for her nutritionally.

For the life of me I cannot remember if that lady suggested I go to any counseling. If she did, I did not follow through with her advice. More than likely I would not have been able to get there. I was at a stage in life where I either had to ask for a ride or I was walking where I needed to go!

I snapped out of my funk soon enough once I stopped breastfeeding. I went right into a cleaning maniac. There was a Loft above our place and it had obviously not been touched for years. There was a broken window and even birds had been in and out of this place. Jeff's friend Jeremy had been crashing on our couch and he took a look at the space and thought it would be perfect with a little elbow grease. He helped me attack that room and in one weekend we had it blinging! He moved a bed up there along with his stuff. It was a win win. He was going to chip in on the rent and we had someone to help with errands.

Everything was great until the land lord stopped by. She had seen the fan in the upstairs window and insisted that we could not use the space even though it was on our side. Before I even knew what was going on, she and Jeremy were fighting about it. Needless to say, she informed me she was evicting Jeff and I over the incident. She had to have gone to the court house that day. We were served papers the next day. I was dumbfounded. She never even talked to me.

I think Jeff must have talked to my father about the incident. I'm not really sure how he got Chris to agree to it. All I do know is I was informed we were moving in with Chris and my dad for three months so that they could help us build a nest egg.

To say that it was weird to live under my parents rule while married would be an understatement. Jeff and I found a new place and signed a lease within 3 months as planned. We had $1000 in the bank when we moved into our new place. I thought we were really going to be okay. In less than 3 days of opening that account our balance went from $1000 down to less than $50! Turned out Jeff owed some bank money from before we were married. He had been served a judgement on it and when we put the money in our bank account. They froze the funds and took them. I was sick over it.

Our apartment was right in the middle of town. A new Gas America had just been built and it was 2 blocks down the road. On a whim I went and applied for a job. They were hiring for grave yard shift. I wanted that job so badly. Jeff only allotted me $40 a week for groceries and household needs. Even back then it was not a lot! I needed an income of my own. Grave yard would work perfectly I reasoned. He would have Cassy while she slept so I didn't have to spend money on a sitter. Next I found out about GED classes. I told Jeff that he and I were both going to go to class and take this test. My mother agreed to come up and sit with Cassy while we attended class. I am happy to say even with taking my test going on two days of no sleep I was 1 point shy of a full paid state college scholarship! Who even knew you could get a scholarship on a GED diploma? My teacher was so excited. I told her I did not have another $16 at the time to take the test again. She told me no worries, I could simply retake the history exam and pay only $4.00! I laughed and told her I would think about it but right now I didn't have the freedom to go to college. Jeff passed his test as well. To this day he happily will admit he is thankful I pushed him to pursue his degree.

We were young when we got married and to say we had a great foundation would be a lie. By March we had taken on roommates to help with the rent so we really had no time alone together. When you coupled those two things together I think looking back it was the beginning of the end. I'm not sure if there is any truth to the rumors I've been told years AFTER I divorced Jeff, but if they are true, he was turning to female friends for comfort. I do know this our relationship was on a downhill slide. I no longer felt any longing for contact with Jeff. Sadly we were getting to a point where I was being informed that I had wifely duties and he was not going to go without. Just trust me, "When it becomes a 'Duty', you better do something about it."

I was on the pill and had been since my checkup. The last thing I wanted was another baby. I was already thinking I needed to get out of this relationship. It's funny how abuse starts. It's not like one day they walk up and punch you. An abusive man has to beat you down before he beats you up the first time. You could easily say Jeff and I were in the "Beat you Down" stage of our relationship. I couldn't take the mental abuse so I left Jeff and moved in with my mother in June.

I was still working grave yard at Gas America at this time. Come May, I suddenly started having problems with my cycle. Planned parenthood thought perhaps my body had overcome the pill and I needed a stronger version so they changed my prescription. The next month same problem, so they changed my pill again. The next month I blacked out at work from excessive bleeding and they decided perhaps I needed to have an exam to see if they could spot any cause. So, there I was on the exam table that next morning. I will never forget the gasp the Doctor made. You know how many thoughts can flash across one's brain in a moment? A LOT! Cancer, a tumor, had to be something bad. Nothing I had thought of could have prepared me for her next words, "Oh my God! You're pregnant!" Have you ever heard your world shatter in a single second? I was floored. What she said next was even more shocking. "You're not a little pregnant. . . if I had to guess I would say you are about 20 weeks pregnant. Have you not felt the baby move?" I was speechless for a moment. . . still stunned I managed to say, "No. I haven't."

She then told me, "Well, I'm no expert, but that is my best guess by the size of your uterus." She went on to make the comment that I had a backward uterus . . . something about the position of my cervix . . . I felt like I was a million miles away . . ." I think I mumbled something like, 'Is that a bad thing?' She replied nonchalantly, "No, it's just they used to think girls with a backward uterus had a more difficult time getting pregnant. You kicked that theory out of the water!"

I asked her if she thought anything might be wrong with my baby since I'd been on the pill this entire time. She advised me to get into a doctor as soon as I could. As far as she knew there just wasn't any available information on that. She left the room and I numbly dressed myself. I felt like I was disconnected from my body again. Pregnant? How on earth could I be pregnant. I hadn't called on God in so long . . . I didn't reach for him now either.

Somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain I heard the phrase, "You will be a mother to  many."

** I think this is a good place to stop. I'm not quite ready to journal all I went through over the next 72 hours.

Grounded for Losing My Virginity!

When I ended my last blog I closed my computer crying. This next year so many things happen and I was praying today for God to help me with how to start the next blog. I cannot write anything until I hear the title in my head. On my way to a fellowship gathering with ladies that I attend service with and honestly I was scared to death to go because I don't really KNOW a lot of them. I still have the evil one messing with me and my confidence. If he even gets a hint of fear he's on it! Anyway, all of a sudden I heard it. Out of nowhere. I was surprised at first and then I burst into a healthy bout of laughter. If I haven't mentioned it before God is humorous. Seeing how Jesus says if we know him we know the father, it only makes sense that God would be humorous for Jesus is! I needed that laughter. Along with it came the knowledge that I would be okay. So, what the heck . . . here we go!

I barely had time to grasp the fact that my mother was shipping me off to my father's on the pretense that I was "too much to handle" when I heard my father's car pull in the drive way. This was crazy! I had begged and pleaded to live with my father and had been told NO again and again. Now I was going to be sent there for staying out all night. She hadn't even waited to hear my side of the story. She had an opportunity to make me look bad and I just felt in my heart she was happy things had worked out this way. She could get rid of me and not look like it was because she was not close to me. Honestly I felt she barely knew who I truly was.

I don't know what my mom said to him on the phone but he was hot. He yelled at me to pack my stuff. No longer was I Wendy, Honor roll student, Best Christian, all around good kid. I was in major trouble. I don't know why I was attacked so viciously but my father was in my face demanding to know what I had done. I was so terrified by his anger I could not tell him I had been drinking. I told him I'd just hung out with Debbie nothing more. I was called a liar. I was marched out of the house with two trash bags full of all I owned and driven in silence to Westfield. My head was pounding and I just wanted the day to be over. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare.

I was sent to my room while they decided my fate. Since I had denied doing anything wrong I wasn't sure exactly what that punishment would be. I fell asleep waiting for them to come get me. When they woke me up I swear I thought my head was going to explode. To this day it remains the worst hangover I have ever had. I couldn't let them know how bad I felt for they might realize I'd been drinking and until my charges were handed down by my new found prison guard I had no idea just how low they thought of me. They were 100% positive that I had lost my virginity and for that I was going to be grounded for the summer as well as the first part of the school year! I was astounded. I denied it until I was blue in the face. Didn't matter. They were convinced even more so by my denial. As my step-mother used to say if you aren't guilty there is no need for defense. I even had my butt beat repeatedly for a crime I did not commit."Why is this happening?" I questioned God. It was probably my anger at my circumstance that kept him from answering me. It was the first time I could remember feeling like God was no longer listening to me.

My fate was sealed. I would work at the family construction company. I would earn minimum wage. I could play softball and basketball as long as I paid for the expenses and I was being signed up for marching band! Best part I was being held responsible for those costs as well. That one threw me for a loop! I'd played a clarinet in the 6th grade for music class. I didn't even remember a single note let alone the scale! As if all of that were not enough I also had to budget my book rental and school lunch as well as have a fund for unexpected school expenses. The reasoning behind having me pay for everything was so that I would appreciate it that much more.

My step mother who for some reason was playing soft ball herself but had not bought herself a mitt yet was thrilled to discover that my glove fit her hand. Since she wasn't sure she was going to join the team she was subbing for as a regular she was not interested in buying herself a glove yet. I think it was my 4th night there that we went and watched her play as a family. When the game was over and we had met back up I questioned where my glove was? Chris had mistakenly left it in the dug out. Of course when she went back to get it it was gone. She didn't even act like it was a big deal. I had had that glove since the first grade! When my mom first bought it and gave it to me it was ridiculously big. By the time I was in the 6th grade, it was like an extension of my hand. There wasn't a ball I couldn't catch with that glove. I was physically sick to my stomach over the loss. When I was asking if Chris knew what the cost was for joining the softball team she informed me that since I needed to budget in the cost of a new glove it was looking like that would not be a wise investment of time or money. I was astounded. I did not lose my glove. SHE did! There was no arguing that point. No use in even trying. I resolved that I would at least be able to play basketball in the fall.

Over the summer I taught myself how to play the clarinet. Surprisingly I liked marching band. Some of the greatest high school memories I have involve band camp and band competitions.

I hated having Chris for a boss though. She loved it a bit too much. She would have me filling pot holes in the driveway during storms when even the guys were being sent home . . .No better time to see where gravel was needed than in the rain she would tell me. The worst chore she gave me was pulling weeds. I informed her there was an area of poison ivy and I would not be able to work in that area. Who knew she'd have me dress in pants, a long sleeve shirt to protect my arms and gloves on a 80 to 90 degree day! Needless to say I ended up with poison ivy in my throat, my eyes . . . it was so bad. I ended up in the bathroom one night with a razor and I shaved every part of my body and then I doused myself in rubbing alcohol. I think I still needed a shot. For sure I took those little white pills. Misery. I started out my freshman year of high school knowing a few girls from band and looking like the ultimate pizza face! Acne has nothing on poison ivy!

Regardless I had made it through the summer and basket ball was around the corner. I loved that sport. The coach had us running a lot and I decided it would be in my best interest to build up my stamina so I began running a few miles while dribbling my basketball to take my mind off of running. This particular Saturday morning I managed to rip a contact while putting it in my eye. I didn't want to deal with a long lecture from Chris about how irresponsible I was for tearing my contact and how replacing it would effect my budget. I just wanted to get out of the house and have a little time to myself to talk to God. I was on my way back home. . .  less than 3/10 of a mile from our driveway when I recognized the Compton's vehicle as they drove by. I got back out in the middle of the road and squinted. I could see a station wagon on the West side of the road. I thought to myself must be the grandfather of the girl  who lived in the house after the woods . . . he was always mushroom hunting. Because I had one good eye and one bad eye for the most part I was looking down just in front of me. A male voice asked, "Playing ball?" I looked up and stopped dead in my tracks hand in mid air. I think the ball made contact but I failed to shove it back down . . . I heard it thump again and again as it thumped off the road. In front of me stood a naked man pointing a gun at me. I was frozen. The night before on the news there was a story about a few girls that had been found raped and murdered and left naked in fields. I screamed out to God in my head "This is NOT how I die! I haven't accomplished anything yet!!". I was shocked, confused, terrified. The naked man approached me. "Give me head" he demanded. "I don't know what that is." I stammered. . . frustrated he said then give me a hand job. I repeated to him, "I don't know what that is. He rolled his eyes and grabbed my hand forcefully and placed it where he wanted it. I jerked my hand back in repulsion and told him I can't do that. He ordered me to take off my shirt and then my bra. He ran the gun across both breasts burried the nozzle into my stomach and said, "I'll kill you if you move." With his other hand he proceeded to pinch one and with his mouth suck on the other and then he switched. I don't know what made me say, "Oh my here comes my father!" but I did. He barely glanced over his shoulder I went to step around him and he punched me with that gun right in the stomach. "Little girl I will kill you if you lie to me again." By the grace of God his face changed from hatred to terror and he ran from me jumped in his car and sped off. Suddenly there was Mrs. Compton asking if I was okay . . . I couldn't even talk . . . I think she told me to go home . . . honestly I don't know. . . somehow I got my shirt and bra back on . . . I never retrieved that ball. I came crashing into the house through the screen door. Cady, my baby sister, was on Chris' lap and they both looked at me and Chris asked what the heck was wrong with me. I was a mess. I can't fathom what I must have looked like. All I could say was, "Guy guy guy gun gun gun me me me" She asked me if I was making up a lie and I think I screamed. My sister will confirm that this is the most clear memory from her childhood. She claims she can still smell my sweat. Gross, I know. The police were called. I was given a soda for it's sugar. I was spiking a fever . . . a high fever due to shock. When the police arrived the main one that talked to me was a volunteer sheriff. He was also the driving instructor that was in the car with the Carmel High School Students whose lives were cut short on SR 38 due to a collision with a 7up truck. He informed my parents that I was in shock. My own mom wasn't even called to my knowledge. If she was . . . she did not come to see me. All I wanted to do was get in the shower and scrub my body clean. Finally I was allowed to do so. When the hot water ran out I dried off and went to my room to die. My father and step mother don't know but I heard their argument. It was the only time in my life that Chris argued for me. My father in a gist asked, "What is the big deal? She wasn't raped . . . besides she's not even a virgin. She probably brought this on herself." I closed my eyes and cried myself to sleep. These people raising me were so clueless as to who I truly was. What I was about. I was devastated. My stomach remained bruised for over two weeks. He'd gotten me pretty darn good for an old guy.

Some of you reading this will respect the fact that this chapter has left me exhausted. I thought I'd get farther than I did but I must stop here. I am crying too hard to go on. This is just the beginning of my sifting. The good news is I am here to share my story and I promise it has a happy ending! God Bless everyone who is following along. Thank you to those who have written me . . .. you give me courage to continue May you be Blessed 10 fold for you two have your own cross to carry and I appreciate what you have shared with me as well. I'll continue when the Holy Spirit gives me my next Chapter.

Wendy, Mom of Many