The Voice of Truth

This morning I was pulled from slumber by yet another song. Softly it lulled me awake and soon I began to hear and understand and even sing along with the words themselves:  

"The voice of truth says, 'Do Not Be Afraid' and the voice of truth says, 'This is for my glory' . . . a little bit of instrumental and again the lyrics themselves repeated. 

I looked up the lyrics this morning and found it is a song by Casting Crowns titled "Voice of Truth" Here it is with the lyrics included. 

Pretty powerful song. I shivered with anticipation when I read them all. What am I being prepared for? If it is for His glory, how awesome it must be!! 

Often, throughout my life, I have dealt with the pain of my heart through poetry. This afternoon I found myself writing a poem. I find my poem a bittersweet one as I ask myself the ultimate question, "Was it simply my desire to be loved for who I was that blinded me to the truth I am seeing in reflection where Mike and I are concerned." I must admit the whole thing seems so surreal to me today. With that being said, here is my poem:

How sad it is for me

To look back and see

For much much too long

To me you did not belong

Why did I insist on believing you loved me when your love was so obviously shallow?

Daily I felt and saw the heat of your desire

How often you set my body on fire

But to say you loved me would make me a liar

And for that I simply have no desire

It hurts to finally see the truth.

A really loud bike raced by today

It did not effect me in the same way

Is it because I know you aren't around

That no butterflies danced at the sound?

I think you are losing your hold on me.  

My tears are even beginning to slow. I feel the emotion of my tormenting heartache building, but it is squelched before it overflows into hot streaming tears that cascade down my face as rapidly as a waterfall. 

The voice of truth is speaking to me. I have prayed for clearer vision and ears that are more tuned into the truth. Prayers are answered you know. I would be telling a lie were I to say a small part of me didn't want to make it all stop and rewind to a place and time where I felt that Mike was mine, but my heart already knows the truth. Pretending is no use. Why on earth would I desire the abuse? I think this is why so many women go back even though they know it in doing so they are willfully accepting their own demise.

I am blessed that Mike was removed to such a degree. I see the hold he had over me. To all women who are under bondage by men who claim to know Jesus but are determined to not follow his ways, I share with you a snippet out of 2nd Timothy. This is taken out of my MacArthur study bible, New American Standard, From the book of 2nd Timothy, Chapter 3, verses 1-7:

verse 1: But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come.

verse 2: For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to  parents, ungrateful, unholy,

verse 3: unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,

verse 4: treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 

verse 5: holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these.

verse 6: For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses,

verse 7: always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of truth.

I can not begin to admit how deeply these verses moved me. I heard them yesterday while tuned into Moody radio. You see, I was a woman weighed down with sins that were led on by my past impulses. It is true that Mike spoke to me about God and I felt he was an answer to a distant prayer. A very small part of me longs to not receive the truth for in receiving it is like putting a final period at the end of our story. However, the part of me that has her eyes wide open cannot deny it's truth. I begin to cry a little as I know my angels prepared me to be strong today as more and more truth is revealed to me. Do not be afraid they have sung. 

I know there is joy to be found in every situation in every day. I make it my goal to discover it like hidden treasure come what may. I found much encouragement in God's word as I continued to read 2nd Timothy, chapter 3. Jump ahead with me to verses 10-17:

verse 10: Now you followed my teaching, conduct, purpose, faith, patience, love, perseverance,

verse 11: persecutions, and sufferings, such as happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium and at Lystra; what persecutions I endured, and out of them all the Lord rescued me!

verse 12: Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.

verse 13: But evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. 

verse 14: You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them,

verse 15: and that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.

verse 16: All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; 

verse 17: so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work. 

Chapter 4 is about going forth and preaching the word and I can just hear Paul in my head sharing all of this. For it is he that wrote 2nd Timothy. What an inspiration to others he must have been in person for he is an inspiration to me today in written form. Here is a man who started out persecuting all Christians and having them put to death, now being used to inspire countless brothers and sisters in Christ! Just think what God can do in your life should you put your faith in Him! 

That brings me to the song I heard on the radio this morning. As I listened to the words, I was like, "Yes!" 

From Big Daddy Weave, I share with you their song titled, "The Only Name". 

I will continue to keep my ears tuned into the voice of truth. While I understand I may walk many roads without a mate in doing so, I know I am truly never alone. You have always been my loving guide.

Father, I come before you today thanking you for the angels you send to minister to me. How loving of a Father you are to tend to this foolish broken-hearted dis-illusioned child of yours. How much time have I wasted chasing empty promises, precious time that you blessed me with. I often wonder, do you ever shake your head at what we have done with the gift of free will. How easily we are swayed by the father of lies. How evil he truly is. As if any of us need help with committing foolish deeds! I thank you for giving us your word and revealing truth in multiple ways. I am blessed to know you. I am blessed to hear your voice. I am blessed to be your child. How blessed I am Father. I give my life to you. Please help me share with others your glory. Forever your loving daughter, forever your humble servant. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your grace and mercy. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Staring Down the Barrel of a Shotgun!

Before I start on this journey and it is longer than I remembered. . . harder in many ways . . .for it goes on much further beyond this tiny chapter . . .  I ask you NOT to feel sorry for me. This is for those of you who are here . . . on this same turn in the road . . . I'm here to let you know a lot of us have been here . . . way too many of us . . . I'm coming back to help . . . I don't know completely all the ways God is going to use me, but I'm humbled to be his vessel. If you are in a situation of utter hopelessness, please, reach out to someone . . . if you feel you have no one . . . reach out to me. I make a great friend (((hugs))). . .

I am not going to go into great detail on my abuse. Jeff never considered what he did to me as abuse for he never outright punched me. I'm of the belief a push is too much. There is no cause to get physical with another person.

With that being said, I'm a planner. I knew the odds of someone who had been abusive in the past to be abusive again. From what I had read, until you become familiar with why you behave certain ways, you are bound to repeat them.

So, for fun, I would run this escape drill. I think I had myself convinced it was really in case our house caught on fire. Regardless, I practiced fleeing my home with two children in hand. I had a set of keys over the back door on a nail. I would start at my room run down the hall into the first room, grab Billy, run into the back bedroom and grab Cassy and then I'd grab my keys hit the door and race to the car. I'd put Cassy in, tell her to get in back and I'd get in lock the door and put Billy in his pumpkin seat, snap him in and then I'd put the key in the ignition and fire the car up. My heart is racing as I recall this in more detail. Obviously, one running from a fire only would not have to practice to this extent. I find it funny how we trick ourselves into not seeing fully what is going on in our world.

I don't know if Jeff and I could have made it with a ton of counseling as well as a healthy relationship with God. I never wanted to marry him to begin with. When you couple that with everything else, we had a rather large hurdle to overcome. Perhaps the knowledge that I honestly hadn't wanted to marry him to begin with was what drove him to behave the way he did.

Regardless of what the driving force was, one night his mother planted a fatal seed into Jeff's mind. I think it was around the end of  May beginning of June because there was no snow on the ground and it was warm enough that having no shoes on my feet didn't bother me. Jeff had been gone all evening. He was in town visiting with his mom. I'm not sure if his parents were living in Noblesville yet or if his mom was up visiting and looking for a place. Whatever the reason was, Jeff had gone to see her. He still was not home by 9 and I had gone to bed. I knew I would be up at the crack of dawn with the kids. I am not sure when he came home. I just know I went from a dead sleep to being ripped out of bed by my hair. I hit the floor and somehow managed to come up on my feet. I don't think I even knew it was Jeff attacking me yet. You can't imagine the heart explosion that causes someone.

Somehow I managed to get my bearings. Jeff was yelling at me. He was calling me awful names and insinuating that William was not his child. His mother and her friend had been showing him baby pictures of a childhood friend of his and saying they thought this guy was the father. They had informed him that because William's eyes were Hazel and not brown Jeff couldn't be the father. They were convinced I must have slept with this other guy. Jeff was out of his mind. He actually attempted to kick me and would have nailed me full force in the stomach had I not evaded the blow. By the grace of God his foot went into our stereo system. My album in the top . . .yes I did say album . . . shattered. He was stuck. I didn't hesitate. Like I'd practiced I ran down the hall way, grabbed William, to the next room, I snatched Cassy. Like a pro, I snatched the keys and raced down to the car. I put Cassy in and she hopped in the back. I sat in the car, locked the doors and put William in his pumpkin seat. I snapped the harness put the key in the ignition, fired up the car, looked up and found myself staring into the barrel of a shotgun. Jeff was 8' in front of my car gun drawn. My breath caught. I knew he was dangerous. I had no idea until this moment how far he was willing to go. I dropped my shifter into 2nd gear and gunned my car, yanking the steering wheel to the left, I spun gravel like none other.  As far as I was concerned it was him or me. I never heard a shot and I didn't feel a thud. I raced down the road without a clue as to where I could or should go. I didn't stop until I was at the stop sign by US 31. I put the car in neutral pulled my emergency brake and sat shaking like a leaf. I was alive. It was all I could think. From the back seat Cassy asked, "Mommy are you okay?" I somehow managed to get a grip. I put on a fake smile glanced at her and lied. I told her everything was fine.

I had no idea what time it was other than it was very very late or very very early. I drove to the closest house I knew. My friend's house from high school, Aretha. She was still living at home. She let me in and we talked. Her mom was wonderful as always. I don't even remember what she said but she allowed Aretha and I space.

I really can't recall much more about that day. I don't think it matters a lot. I would like to say that I never spent another moment with Jeff after this incident. Sadly that is not the case. It is weird how 25 years later I can still be drained by reliving something traumatic like this but I am.

Today I pray for all those who are in an abusive relationship. May you have faith in Our Father and walk out that door knowing that you will be better off. May you open yourself up to strangers who long to help you. I pray you recognize you do not deserve to be treated like this. I pray you are able to open your eyes to the truth. Amen

Wendy, Mom of Many