What Are Your Cup Stats?

Today is one of those days where I am so thankful to know who I am in Christ. I am exhausted, beat up and tired. I have been crying for the last hour but please do not feel sorry for me. Even Jesus cried you know!

I keep thinking about that age old question, "How full is your cup?"

My cup I promise you is always overflowing. I say that because I know who I am in Christ. I know my destiny. Today is just a pit stop along the way. I choose to keep my eyes focused on what lies at the end of this often long, hard, grueling road that I walk on. It is in knowing the truth that I am able to smile and laugh beyond the heartache and tears that plague my daily life.

The evil one will use people, places and things to attempt to drag you down and beat you up. Don't ever forget that He who is in you is stronger than he who is in the world.

That does not mean that life is going to be easy. Truthfully, it is most likely going to be hard. It may at times kick your rear end, but it does not concur you.This is how you come to realize there is a God.

I live with a man who often mocks my faith even though he has witnessed first hand some of the things God has done for me. He believes that because our life is hard, because I am not a famous writer, because I am not rich that I serve a false God. He is WRONG. I serve a loving God who carries me through trials and tribulations that are fierce.

I have been in the pit of hell and I climbed out smiling with Jesus at my side. Yes, I cry. Yes, I have hard days. Pick up your bible and you'll discover I am not alone in this.

King David loved the LORD. He praised him, sang to him, worshipped him and credited him throughout his life. King David also fell to temptation and when confronted repented unlike King Saul.

As the bible makes it clear, not one of us is without sin. Not one of us! However, God did not send his son into the world to condemn us. He sent Him into the world to save us. Today is just a day. When you step back and look at the big picture, days, weeks, years, fly by. The older we get the faster they seem to go. One cannot deny that we truly are like vapor. Here today, gone tomorrow. What we do with our lives matters only in the respect of who we lead to Christ for Christ leads us all to the Father. When you read all He spoke, you see that He is always pointing to the Father.

As a child I walked and talked with God. It was in seeking him later in life that I discovered Christ and it was indeed my seeking and coming to understand the word of God thanks to my searching out just who Christ was to me that I came to truly know and love my heavenly Father.

If it were not for my understanding of things, that I am in a spiritual battle, God only knows where I would be today for my life is a far cry from a garden of roses! My life is also a far cry from absolute hell. I am blessed for today I walk with the LORD again. He comforts me through my tears and it is in keeping my focus on him that I am able to smile when the children return from school.

Today I leave you with some great advice that was written a long long time ago:

Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (Philippians 4:8, NASB)

In other words, don't get stuck in the mud focusing on all that is wrong in the world or in your personal life. Things as we all have come to witness change . . . what is constant is the Love of God. Keep your focus on those things mentioned and you too will see your cup as always overflowing!

Wendy, walks with God, mom of many

© Wendy Glidden 2015

The Voice of Truth

This morning I was pulled from slumber by yet another song. Softly it lulled me awake and soon I began to hear and understand and even sing along with the words themselves:  

"The voice of truth says, 'Do Not Be Afraid' and the voice of truth says, 'This is for my glory' . . . a little bit of instrumental and again the lyrics themselves repeated. 

I looked up the lyrics this morning and found it is a song by Casting Crowns titled "Voice of Truth" Here it is with the lyrics included. 

Pretty powerful song. I shivered with anticipation when I read them all. What am I being prepared for? If it is for His glory, how awesome it must be!! 

Often, throughout my life, I have dealt with the pain of my heart through poetry. This afternoon I found myself writing a poem. I find my poem a bittersweet one as I ask myself the ultimate question, "Was it simply my desire to be loved for who I was that blinded me to the truth I am seeing in reflection where Mike and I are concerned." I must admit the whole thing seems so surreal to me today. With that being said, here is my poem:

How sad it is for me

To look back and see

For much much too long

To me you did not belong

Why did I insist on believing you loved me when your love was so obviously shallow?

Daily I felt and saw the heat of your desire

How often you set my body on fire

But to say you loved me would make me a liar

And for that I simply have no desire

It hurts to finally see the truth.

A really loud bike raced by today

It did not effect me in the same way

Is it because I know you aren't around

That no butterflies danced at the sound?

I think you are losing your hold on me.  

My tears are even beginning to slow. I feel the emotion of my tormenting heartache building, but it is squelched before it overflows into hot streaming tears that cascade down my face as rapidly as a waterfall. 

The voice of truth is speaking to me. I have prayed for clearer vision and ears that are more tuned into the truth. Prayers are answered you know. I would be telling a lie were I to say a small part of me didn't want to make it all stop and rewind to a place and time where I felt that Mike was mine, but my heart already knows the truth. Pretending is no use. Why on earth would I desire the abuse? I think this is why so many women go back even though they know it in doing so they are willfully accepting their own demise.

I am blessed that Mike was removed to such a degree. I see the hold he had over me. To all women who are under bondage by men who claim to know Jesus but are determined to not follow his ways, I share with you a snippet out of 2nd Timothy. This is taken out of my MacArthur study bible, New American Standard, From the book of 2nd Timothy, Chapter 3, verses 1-7:

verse 1: But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come.

verse 2: For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to  parents, ungrateful, unholy,

verse 3: unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, haters of good,

verse 4: treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 

verse 5: holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these.

verse 6: For among them are those who enter into households and captivate weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses,

verse 7: always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of truth.

I can not begin to admit how deeply these verses moved me. I heard them yesterday while tuned into Moody radio. You see, I was a woman weighed down with sins that were led on by my past impulses. It is true that Mike spoke to me about God and I felt he was an answer to a distant prayer. A very small part of me longs to not receive the truth for in receiving it is like putting a final period at the end of our story. However, the part of me that has her eyes wide open cannot deny it's truth. I begin to cry a little as I know my angels prepared me to be strong today as more and more truth is revealed to me. Do not be afraid they have sung. 

I know there is joy to be found in every situation in every day. I make it my goal to discover it like hidden treasure come what may. I found much encouragement in God's word as I continued to read 2nd Timothy, chapter 3. Jump ahead with me to verses 10-17:

verse 10: Now you followed my teaching, conduct, purpose, faith, patience, love, perseverance,

verse 11: persecutions, and sufferings, such as happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium and at Lystra; what persecutions I endured, and out of them all the Lord rescued me!

verse 12: Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.

verse 13: But evil men and impostors will proceed from bad to worse, deceiving and being deceived. 

verse 14: You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them,

verse 15: and that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.

verse 16: All scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; 

verse 17: so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work. 

Chapter 4 is about going forth and preaching the word and I can just hear Paul in my head sharing all of this. For it is he that wrote 2nd Timothy. What an inspiration to others he must have been in person for he is an inspiration to me today in written form. Here is a man who started out persecuting all Christians and having them put to death, now being used to inspire countless brothers and sisters in Christ! Just think what God can do in your life should you put your faith in Him! 

That brings me to the song I heard on the radio this morning. As I listened to the words, I was like, "Yes!" 

From Big Daddy Weave, I share with you their song titled, "The Only Name". 

I will continue to keep my ears tuned into the voice of truth. While I understand I may walk many roads without a mate in doing so, I know I am truly never alone. You have always been my loving guide.

Father, I come before you today thanking you for the angels you send to minister to me. How loving of a Father you are to tend to this foolish broken-hearted dis-illusioned child of yours. How much time have I wasted chasing empty promises, precious time that you blessed me with. I often wonder, do you ever shake your head at what we have done with the gift of free will. How easily we are swayed by the father of lies. How evil he truly is. As if any of us need help with committing foolish deeds! I thank you for giving us your word and revealing truth in multiple ways. I am blessed to know you. I am blessed to hear your voice. I am blessed to be your child. How blessed I am Father. I give my life to you. Please help me share with others your glory. Forever your loving daughter, forever your humble servant. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for your grace and mercy. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Saying Goodbye To Amanda Rose Glidden

My last blog titled "The Only Baby I Ever Planned" ended  with me having a meeting with my first choice when it came to the parents that would raise my baby. This was the last paragraph of that blog:     

                My baby's adoptive mom looked at me and asked if I knew the gender and I told

                her no. She confided she would love a little girl but would be just as thrilled with

                a little boy. She was beaming as if she were carrying my child inside of her. She

                next asked if I'd be okay with her touching my stomach and I said she could. My

                baby moved and she got to feel it. Her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Thank

                You" in the most sincerely loving way a human being could say to another human

                 being.

I only remember attempting to smile at her. What she said next, I was not expecting. She leaned in a little closer almost as if it was a confidential promise, "What ever name you pick will remain the name of your baby." My world rocked. I had not allowed myself to pick names . . . boys or girls. That knowledge sank in. I don't remember how I got to the meeting and I don't remember how I got home. It's all blank. It was late November / Early December. 

I tried to keep my mind off the baby as much as a pregnant woman can. I kept busy. My mom had a paper route . .. . 3 routes actually. All 3 of them were walking routes. Every other day I delivered the papers. It was part of my family duty. I enjoyed it. Fresh air. Exercise. I kept my mind focused on apartment buildings and who in each building got the paper. On Sundays we did the route together. It was good. One of the few times in my life up to now that my mom and I got along. 

My original due date was March 6th, my birthday. They moved it back to March 24th. I arranged for Jeff, Cassy and William's father, to take the children the weekend before my due date. I told him I would need him and his mom to keep them for 3 weeks. I woke up in labor on April 3, 1991, right in time for the paper route to be delivered. My mom checked my contractions and they were over seven minutes apart. My mom went to deliver the papers and I called Lena to have her come sit with me.

By the time Mom got back from delivering papers it was time to head to the hospital. We got there and checked in. I was settled into a delivery room. A nurse came in and asked if I wanted an epidural. I said I did as I wanted to feel NOTHING. She assured me I'd be able to push but I wouldn't feel pain.I was asked if I wanted to hold the baby after it was born. I said no. I was too afraid to do that.  I don't remember much about what we talked about while we waited. I remember someone coming in and checking on my progress and she popped my water. She stated that would speed things up and my mom said, "Boy will it ever". When she walked toward the door, my mom questioned, "Where are you going?" She informed my mother I was at least an hour away from delivering and she walked out of the room. Not even ten minutes later my mom ran out into the hallway to announce that the baby was coming and we needed assistance. As often has happened when I deliver things are not in order and it gets pretty crazy. In no time flat I gave birth to a 9lb 6oz baby girl. The doctor held up my baby and announced, "We have a baby girl."

I was taken clear on the other side of the hospital as I had requested not to be in the maternity ward. Lena came with me. When my nurse came to check on me, I asked if it was okay if I walked around. She said if you feel up to it but be careful. I said I would. When she left, I looked at Lena and said, "I can't stand it. You want to go see her?" Of course Lena did. We went out of my room smiled at the girls at the desk went around the corner and into the elevator. We went down and then across to the maternity ward through a tunnel. I would say it's a REALLY good Walk! The nurse in the nursery was just getting ready to feed her and she asked if I would like to feed her. I could not stop myself. I had to hold her. I fed her, I admired her, I sang to her, I breathed in her newborn sent. Every fiber of my being wanted to keep her in my arms. Right then I looked up and my nurse was looking at me through the glass motioning me to come out. She greeted me with a wheel chair and said, "Child when I said you could walk around, I did not mean for you to take a mile hike. You could bleed to death. We need to check on you come on. I gave Amanda back to the nursery nurse and climbed in the chair. 

I went back again and again to hold her and feed her. I thought long and hard about what to name her. I always loved the name Amanda and hadn't picked that before because Jeff's sister already had an Amanda. For her middle name I decided on Rose. It was my Grandmother's first name and I thought that she was as beautiful as a rose. I filled out her birth certificate and filled out the final paperwork numbly. I was informed they had received Bruce's sign off. I knew that they had found him for he called me only one other time than the time to tell me goodbye. He wanted to know if the adoption papers were the real deal or if I was trapping him into paying child support. I told him I was giving the baby up the papers were not a trick. I was shocked they had found him then but not when they told me he had signed off. 

I was released 24 hours before Amanda. I came back to hold her. I had kept my bracelet on. When I went back the second time thinking I would be able to give her one last feeding, I was informed I had just missed her by fifteen minutes. I fell apart. I am a complete utter mess as I type. I must end here for I feel as if my chest is going to explode out of my chest from such fierce pain. 

Today I pray for all birth moms whose hearts ache. May our baby's know we loved them. May they never doubt that. May we feel at peace with our decisions. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, 

Mom of many