Saying Goodbye To Amanda Rose Glidden

My last blog titled "The Only Baby I Ever Planned" ended  with me having a meeting with my first choice when it came to the parents that would raise my baby. This was the last paragraph of that blog:     

                My baby's adoptive mom looked at me and asked if I knew the gender and I told

                her no. She confided she would love a little girl but would be just as thrilled with

                a little boy. She was beaming as if she were carrying my child inside of her. She

                next asked if I'd be okay with her touching my stomach and I said she could. My

                baby moved and she got to feel it. Her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Thank

                You" in the most sincerely loving way a human being could say to another human

                 being.

I only remember attempting to smile at her. What she said next, I was not expecting. She leaned in a little closer almost as if it was a confidential promise, "What ever name you pick will remain the name of your baby." My world rocked. I had not allowed myself to pick names . . . boys or girls. That knowledge sank in. I don't remember how I got to the meeting and I don't remember how I got home. It's all blank. It was late November / Early December. 

I tried to keep my mind off the baby as much as a pregnant woman can. I kept busy. My mom had a paper route . .. . 3 routes actually. All 3 of them were walking routes. Every other day I delivered the papers. It was part of my family duty. I enjoyed it. Fresh air. Exercise. I kept my mind focused on apartment buildings and who in each building got the paper. On Sundays we did the route together. It was good. One of the few times in my life up to now that my mom and I got along. 

My original due date was March 6th, my birthday. They moved it back to March 24th. I arranged for Jeff, Cassy and William's father, to take the children the weekend before my due date. I told him I would need him and his mom to keep them for 3 weeks. I woke up in labor on April 3, 1991, right in time for the paper route to be delivered. My mom checked my contractions and they were over seven minutes apart. My mom went to deliver the papers and I called Lena to have her come sit with me.

By the time Mom got back from delivering papers it was time to head to the hospital. We got there and checked in. I was settled into a delivery room. A nurse came in and asked if I wanted an epidural. I said I did as I wanted to feel NOTHING. She assured me I'd be able to push but I wouldn't feel pain.I was asked if I wanted to hold the baby after it was born. I said no. I was too afraid to do that.  I don't remember much about what we talked about while we waited. I remember someone coming in and checking on my progress and she popped my water. She stated that would speed things up and my mom said, "Boy will it ever". When she walked toward the door, my mom questioned, "Where are you going?" She informed my mother I was at least an hour away from delivering and she walked out of the room. Not even ten minutes later my mom ran out into the hallway to announce that the baby was coming and we needed assistance. As often has happened when I deliver things are not in order and it gets pretty crazy. In no time flat I gave birth to a 9lb 6oz baby girl. The doctor held up my baby and announced, "We have a baby girl."

I was taken clear on the other side of the hospital as I had requested not to be in the maternity ward. Lena came with me. When my nurse came to check on me, I asked if it was okay if I walked around. She said if you feel up to it but be careful. I said I would. When she left, I looked at Lena and said, "I can't stand it. You want to go see her?" Of course Lena did. We went out of my room smiled at the girls at the desk went around the corner and into the elevator. We went down and then across to the maternity ward through a tunnel. I would say it's a REALLY good Walk! The nurse in the nursery was just getting ready to feed her and she asked if I would like to feed her. I could not stop myself. I had to hold her. I fed her, I admired her, I sang to her, I breathed in her newborn sent. Every fiber of my being wanted to keep her in my arms. Right then I looked up and my nurse was looking at me through the glass motioning me to come out. She greeted me with a wheel chair and said, "Child when I said you could walk around, I did not mean for you to take a mile hike. You could bleed to death. We need to check on you come on. I gave Amanda back to the nursery nurse and climbed in the chair. 

I went back again and again to hold her and feed her. I thought long and hard about what to name her. I always loved the name Amanda and hadn't picked that before because Jeff's sister already had an Amanda. For her middle name I decided on Rose. It was my Grandmother's first name and I thought that she was as beautiful as a rose. I filled out her birth certificate and filled out the final paperwork numbly. I was informed they had received Bruce's sign off. I knew that they had found him for he called me only one other time than the time to tell me goodbye. He wanted to know if the adoption papers were the real deal or if I was trapping him into paying child support. I told him I was giving the baby up the papers were not a trick. I was shocked they had found him then but not when they told me he had signed off. 

I was released 24 hours before Amanda. I came back to hold her. I had kept my bracelet on. When I went back the second time thinking I would be able to give her one last feeding, I was informed I had just missed her by fifteen minutes. I fell apart. I am a complete utter mess as I type. I must end here for I feel as if my chest is going to explode out of my chest from such fierce pain. 

Today I pray for all birth moms whose hearts ache. May our baby's know we loved them. May they never doubt that. May we feel at peace with our decisions. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, 

Mom of many

It's a Boy!

For those just joining me, many of these blogs are chapters of my life. I am mostly telling my story. Occasionally I blog on Bible Verses. . . this blog picks up where "How I Ended Up Pregnant with My 2nd Child" ends. . . I think this reads better as a story . . . If you like this blog, I'd encourage you to start with my first blog "In the beginning" and go from there!

I left planned parenthood in a daze. To say I was thrilled with my news would be a lie. Here I was again on the edge of living my own life only to be shackled with another baby and at least another 5 months from being able to file for divorce. I knew I would have to tell Jeff. Oh I was sick over my situation. I headed back to my mother's for that was where I was currently staying. All my hopes of finally being on my own were smashed. I felt abandoned by God once again.

I gave my mom the news. She was as surprised as me. "You haven't felt the baby move?" she asked. "No. Not yet." I muttered. I was concerned about what taking the pill day after day might have done to this baby. No data. It made sense. After all who takes the pill day after day while being pregnant? A girl who has no idea she is pregnant. That's who! Who knew you could have a period and even have breakthroughs while carrying a baby? I was so numb that first day. I prayed I was simply having a nightmare.

The next day my mom informed me there were two states that actually did offer abortions beyond 12 weeks. It was expensive but it could be done. She wanted me to know she would never judge me if I decided to take a look into it. I couldn't. The next day I felt the baby move. I wept and thanked God. I didn't know if I could handle it if I had harmed this child by taking birth control for over 1/2 of it's development inside of me. I was still worried about things like, 'would the baby have any birth defects . . . or if the pill would somehow effect this child's reproductive organs?' So many unknowns. The one thing I knew for sure was I had to let Jeff know that I was carrying another child.

He came by to pick me up so we could talk privately. He told me he was sure this baby was a boy. He begged me to come back. He apologized for his temper and his abusive behavior and vowed to me he would never treat me badly again. It was all a mistake. He had grown up in a house where the man was meant to be served. I was not good with that role. He thought we could work on it. He begged me to give him a second chance! I just wanted to be happy.You know what I mean? I wanted to enjoy life. Why did there need to be so much aggression in the world. Never made a lot of sense to me. I didn't feel like I really had a choice in the matter. Leaving Jeff and raising one child on my own was going to be tough. Add being pregnant on top of that and I was staring at a hopeless situation. I caved. How bad could it be? He promised to find us a place immediately. He did. A one room efficiency apartment. We lived there until October / November. Not sure which month . . . all I am sure is I moved in on opening weekend for hunting deer with a bow. Yes. Jeff was a hunter. Here I was as big as girl who is around 7 and a half  months pregnant can be and my husband needed to hunt more than he needed to move his family into their new home. My Aunt Janet is the one who helped me move. She was still getting around at the time without a wheel chair. Looking back I am dumbfounded at how much she was able to due at the time. How funny we must have seemed to any who observed us working together. She was awesome. We loaded up her truck from the storage unit and unloaded it into our new 3 bedroom trailer.

Now you may be wondering . . . how could I still not know exactly how pregnant I was by now . . . If that is your question, my answer is this. I never saw a doctor other than the one at planned parenthood.  That is right. I never had any care at all. It's not like I didn't try to get in to see a doctor. I just couldn't get in. I had called the St. Vincent Clinic and tried to get back in there on the sliding scale. Since Jeff was making a little more and costs had gone up slightly, our total cost for all care was going to be $800. We could not make payments since I was going to be around 6 months along before they could get me in. You had to be paid in full by your 7th month. I did not have an extra $400 laying around at the end of each month at this time! We also made a hair too much to qualify for Medicaid . Jeff went to work and asked for a loan like we had done with Cassy. Unfortunately for us, Chris decided we needed to learn a lesson when it came to responsibility. She simply could not allow for me to get another easy ride. If I was not held accountable for my reckless behavior when it came to conceiving children, she was not going to support me by bailing me out financially again and again. Luckily Jerry's girlfriend was going to nursing school at the time and she had a stethoscope. She helped me by finding the baby's heartbeat and taking my blood pressure. It's all the doctors really did when I was pregnant with Cassy. We weren't even sure when my due date was going to be. Talk about a surprise baby in multiple ways.

I was at my brother's birthday party at my dad's house and I was gigantic. I was sure I was beyond 40 weeks. The time was around 7:30 when I felt the first pain hit me. Uncomfortable is as good as a description as any. After the 6th one I told Jeff I thought my labor may have started and I thought we should head to my mom's house. The plan was for her to keep Cassy when I went into labor. My father lived in Westfield and my mom was still in the same house she had lived in since I was in the 3rd grade. In other words we had a 30 to 40 minute drive ahead of us and then we needed to turn around and drive another 30 to 40 minutes to the hospital. Just like with Cassy my labor pains started four to five minutes apart. I wasn't sure as I'd sat at Chris and dad's for the first few labor pains and I didn't have a clock to look at.

We arrived at Riverview Hospital in the ER entrance. Dr Beaver was the doctor on call. I only remember because I found it funny that his name rhymed with Weaver. I was rushed into a delivery room as I was already in transition. William however did not come as easily as Cassandra. She weighed in at only 7lbs 10 oz. In comparison, she was a breeze! Since we had no insurance and I was terrified at how large our bill might be I refused to take any pain medication. I knew we simply could not afford it.  I had pushed several times with William and he had not come out yet. I felt like someone was ripping my spine out of my body.  My mom was hoping this baby would arrive before midnight so that he'd be born on my brother's birthday. That did not happen. I guess he wanted his own day because he waited until after midnight to make his appearance. I was beginning to think I'd never push him out when Jeff leaned down to me and said, "Wendy, he's going to use those salad spoons if you don't push this baby out this time!" When the next contraction hit I pushed with everything I had and whoosh out came the baby. . . no stopping between head and shoulders. I don't know why the thought of salad spoons terrified me to such a degree but it did. Gross enough, I'd pushed so hard let's just say walls needed some attention!

"It's a boy! I told you! It's a boy!"Jeff exclaimed. He even kissed me. I'm not sure I ever heard Jeff so elated. I was just thrilled to have this child out of me and this all behind me. He looked perfect. He was a healthy 9lbs 6oz. baby boy. He had the straightest long nose I'd ever seen on a baby but nothing looked out of place. With a sigh of relief I thanked God that me taking birth control had not affected him in any obvious way.

I had already decided that I was going to bottle feed this child. I knew that I wanted to go back to work ASAP. I reasoned that there was no point in starting something I wasn't going to have time to keep up with. In the back of my head I couldn't get the feeling out of my head. I still had not faced my issues from being attacked. This was an easy way for me to brush all of that aside. No need to face what I'd safely re-tucked away. . . not now.

Well . . . I'm honestly not looking forward to these next chapters ahead. Knowing what I am getting close to makes me cringe. I know that God is using me to show you His Mercy and Grace. I hope that is what you take form all I am sharing. Let my trials and tribulations not go in vain.

It is my prayer that you see how kind and loving of a Father we all have. It is my prayer that you recognize the beauty behind my story. There is a silver lining in everything. Until my next chapter . . .

Wendy, Mom of Many

In the Nick of Time!

If this is the blog you land on first, I would encourage you to go to the beginning so that what I am saying makes sense! To do this change your view on the top left from classic to flip card and click on the blog in the bottom furthest right corner!

Recap: I conceived my first child when I ran away in December of 1985 at the age of 16. I was married in February, 1986 against my wishes. By the end of March I had withdrawn from High School. It is now April of 1986 and Jeff, my husband, and I are packed and waiting for Jeff's dad to arrive to drive us to our new home . . . actually I should say to his parent's home.

To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I had never met Jeff's parents and had no idea what to expect. To this day when I think of Charlie, Jeff's dad, I can't help but smile. He was one of the few in Jeff's family that was always nice to me. Charlie had his own hangups like we all do but I loved him for who he was. He never wronged me. He had a sense of humor. All in all he was a great guy.

We didn't have a lot of belongings so packing up into Charlie's car didn't really take that long. Once we were loaded up we hit the road. I had run away to French Lick so I knew we had a three hour drive ahead of us. For the life of me I have no idea what all we talked about for the three hours. All I remember was how happy Charlie was with his new saying for me, "Wendy Weaver wobbles but she won't fall down."

When we arrived to their home we were shown our room. The enclosed front porch. It didn't take long to unpack and get settled. Brenda, Jeff's mom, was not near as kind as Jeff's dad. Looking back I understand. Jeff was her only son. I'm not 100% positive she even knew we were getting married or if she was even invited. I do know this, she resented me for "tricking" her son into marrying me! Oh the irony of it all does not escape me. Not even to this day!

My first real conversation with Brenda was basically her informing me that I would most likely not carry this child to full term. According to her, it was kind of a family curse. As if that was not reassuring enough, she went on to ask me if I realized I might have a downs syndrome child should I somehow manage to not miscarry. She had some articles on my odds all prepared for me. You could color me stunned. I had taken advanced biology in high school. I honestly knew more than I already cared to when it came to birth defects, DNA and crib death! I took the articles she gave me and I went into our room. I confided in Jeff that night that I felt his mom did not like me because she thought I'd trapped him into marrying me. I asked if he would be so kind as to tell her the truth concerning that. I'm not sure if she knows to this day that it was Jeff that trapped me! I do know that he confided this truth to our 2nd child just this last year! Progress . . . you just never know when it will happen.

Brenda and I hit heads over applying for welfare and she thought of me as a spoiled brat. I know this because that is what she called me to my face. I bit my tongue. She could not be further from the truth. I had asked her why we should go on welfare when Jeff had no issues keeping him from getting a job. She told me that jobs were hard to come by so I went out and got one! I had only been working for three weeks when my boss informed me that due to my condition they were going to have to let me go. I was surprised but could do nothing about it.

Living with Jeff's parents was stressful on me. It didn't make matters any better that Jeff had an older sister who was NOT a fan of mine. When I had run away, his youngest sister and I had quickly become friends. I think it was our fourth night that this older sister and her boyfriend were arguing and they had taken the time to put their three children outside of the trailer during the fight. Mindy, the younger sister that had become friends with Donna and I, was informed that the children were outside and the youngest one was supposedly in nothing more than a diaper. The three of us went and scooped the children up and took them while her sister and boyfriend could be heard still fighting inside. The mother of these three did not even come looking for her children until the next day! I don't know how I became her target but I did. She told awful lies about me. Claimed I'd said things I would not have said. The best was that Jeff questioned me on all of this. I told him if you don't trust me there is really no point in continuing this marriage.

Out of sheer desperation, I contacted my father and explained to him that I was leaving French Lick with his help or without it. He listened to me . . . I think perhaps for the first time in his life. Regardless we ended with him offering a job to Jeff and we arranged for him to pick me up the next day.

When Jeff and I had time to talk that night, I informed him I was going back to Westfield. I told him he had a job if he wanted it. He told me he was not going to work for my father. I said, "I am leaving tomorrow. You can come with me or you can stay here. If you are not at Glidden Fence come Monday, I'm filing for divorce."

Saying the tension was in the air would be an understatement! Regardless. the next day my father showed up and I threw what little items I had in the back of the truck and we drove away. No Jeff. Just my father and me. I told my dad I didn't think Jeff was going to take him up on his offer but I had given him my ultimatum.

When we got back to Westfield, my father took me to the office. He informed me that I had 3 hours to use the phone and find a place to stay. "I can't help you with that he informed me. Offering Jeff a job and coming to get you has already landed me in hot water at home." I understood. The last time I had seen Chris she'd informed me not to set so much as a foot on her front porch. She had slapped me across the face during our last confrontation. She'd had the audacity to chastise me for my lack of enthusiasm regarding my current school. Obviously that did not go down well. I don't think she knew up until then that I knew it was her that had gotten me removed from Westfield Washington High School.

My first call that day was to my mom. She too could not help me. She had a roommate and could not take me in. I cannot tell you how lost I felt. I was unable to reach my grandma. She was already in Michigan at their summer home. I don't know what made me think of Julie, a friend from high school, but I did. I called her. I explained my situation and amazingly her parents opened their home up to me. Julie's mom was one of the kindest souls I have ever had the pleasure to know.

Surprisingly enough, Jeff showed up Monday morning at Glidden Fence. He had moved in with his best man's parents in Noblesville. He made a million promises to me at the time. I had already discovered you can't even file for divorce in Indiana if you are pregnant so I took it as a sign. If he was going to commit himself to being a good providing husband who was I to stop him?

I was 7 months pregnant when Jeff found us another place to rent. We moved in the second week of July. I have an uncle who is only 7 months older than me. On his 18th birthday, while rebelling against my grandma, Jeff had agreed to let my uncle who is also named Jeff move in with us. We had not been in this place for a month when our landlord informed Jeff that he had sold the house and we needed to find another place by September 1st! Our baby was due September 14th!!

Amazingly enough we did find a one bedroom apartment to move into. Believe it or not, my uncle had already found a new girlfriend and she wanted him to move in with her. Once again we packed and unpacked into a new place.

September 14th came and I thought I was going into labor that night. My mom came over as she was my ride to the hospital but it turned out I was only having Braxton Hicks contractions. My mom had always told me for her labor didn't hurt that bad so I really had no clue as to what I was looking for!

Seven days later, I awoke to a sharp pain followed by another uncomfortable pain 4 minutes later. I thought I was having some type of indigestion or something. Then another one came 3 minutes later followed by another one 3 minutes later. I woke Jeff up and said, "I think I'm really in labor this time! I'm having pain every 3 minutes!" We had been told with your first baby your contractions start 10 to 15 minutes apart. He started timing me himself. I think he thought I was not doing it right. I called my mom. I knew we didn't have time to mess around. She lived 45 minutes away and we had a 45 minute drive to the hospital!

Jeff confirmed that my contractions were only 3 minutes apart and my mom said she was heading out the door. 11 contractions later, they began coming every 2 minutes. By this time a friend of Jeff's named Jeremy had stopped by. I think he was more panicked than Jeff or I! By the time my mother showed up, he was suggesting we call for an ambulance!

Between contractions I climbed down the flight of stairs and got in the back of my mom's car. Jeff got in the front seat. Don't think he wouldn't have let me sit up front, he would have. I needed to lay down or so I thought. I think I sat up and laid down a few hundred times finding comfort in no position.

When we arrived at the hospital my contractions were a minute apart. The rushed me into an exam room and the ER doctor checked me. I was dilated to 9cm and they rushed me to a delivery room. I had been going to the St. Vincent Clinic for all my care. Being a clinic patient on a sliding scale meant that you were being seen by mostly med students. I had agreed to be a ginny pig for an epidural. They called in the med student and had me roll on my side. He was quick. I never felt a thing. Might be because I was in soooooo much pain at the time! They rolled me on my back and the entire room was in motion.

The doctor on call was still trying to get situated when the next contraction hit. I bore down and basically roared from somewhere deep inside. I remember him saying, "I'm not ready yet, don't push, pant pant blow."

Anyone who has gone through the pain of child birth knows when you get to this point it is all natural. There is no holding back! When my next contraction hit I yelled, "You pant pant blow, I'mmmmmmmmmm pushhhhhiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggggggg!" and whoosh,  Cassandra Nicole entered the world. From start to finish I was in labor with my first child for a whopping 2 hours and 15 minutes! I think the funniest thing about my first birth was 10 minutes after Cassy entered the world, my entire lower body went completely numb! I had not one bit of pain for the next few hours!!

Being as young as I was and having a mom and dad as young as they were, you could say my hospital room was packed. The nurse came in to inform everyone in the room if they weren't grandparents or sisters and brothers they had to leave the room. No one left!

Slowly the room emptied out as each grandparent and great grandparent was done admiring her. When my step mother bent down to say good bye she informed me she thought is was total crap that I didn't suffer enough during childbirth. She had been in labor for 24 hours with my sister. I would like to say I was shocked by her statement. If I did, I would be lying.

This is a good place close this chapter. I'm sure I've mentioned it once or twice but this decade of my life spiraled further and further down. The longer I remained disappointed and let down by God, the more alone I felt. Of course if you knew me back then, I'm not sure you would have picked up on that. I had never been one to cry on someone else's shoulders! I have friends that claim I'm strong. I tell them, "Girl, I'm no different than you. I cry and wail like the best of them!"

I hope to be back to write a few more chapters. I just don't know their titles yet. I have been given one but it is up the road a bit. I've got approximately 3 years to cover before I get to it. Praying for guidance as I continue.

Wendy, Mom of Many