I know it has been a minute since I blogged about my past. The last chapter totally wiped me out. Who knew a heart could hurt so massively 22 years after the original heartache? For those that are just jumping in, my last blog ended with me going back to the hospital to hold Amanda Rose, the only baby I ever planned, one last time. It ended with me being told she had already been picked up by the couple I had chosen to be her parents and me in shambles. I would highly encourage you to start back at 'In the Beginning' if your interest is peaked.
**
I managed to make it back out of the hospital to my mother's car. I know today that it was by the strength of God that I was able to do so. When I got home I went to my room and bawled until I fell asleep from exhaustion. When I woke the next morning, I was instantly in tears again. I got up and walked into Cassy and Billy's room. I stood there for a moment and then I began tearing their room down. I dis-assembled their bunk bed. Ripped out the rest of the furniture and toys and then the carpet. It had never been tacked down in place so I rolled it up and took it out of the room as well. I then began painting the walls. By the time my mom got home from work, I had put the room completely back together. All of this 3 days after giving birth. I could not stand to sit still for then my mind went straight to Amanda and then I would begin crying all over again. I must have thought about contacting the adoption agency and telling them I changed my mind a million times. That night I cried myself to sleep again.
The next day, I decided it was time for me to find a job. I had no car so I walked. First I went to Kroger and put in an application. I also stopped off at the Liquor store on the corner and filled out an application. After that I walked and walked and walked. I ended up at Glendale Mall and went to the bookstore. I gazed at the covers of a lot of books but I don't think my eyes actually read any of them. I was trying everything in my power to NOT think about Amanda and I was not having the greatest success. I walked back home before the sun set.
The next day I decided to walk in another direction and I ended up seeing a sign at a Dairy Queen asking for help. I went in, filled out an application and was lucky enough to score a job interview. The owner hired me saying it was based mostly on my smile. I thought that was so ironic because it was a fake smile. It never reached my eyes or my heart. Regardless, I was hired. I told him I could start immediately so I was scheduled to come in the next evening. I was happy to have something to help keep me busy so I didn't have to think.
Within two weeks of starting at Dairy Queen, I had an interview at Kroger. I had also had an interview at the Liquor store. I even went and took their test and got my Liquor License. I was hired there before Kroger but decided something about that job did not feel right so I called in to let the company know I had changed my mind and did not want that job. They ended up getting robbed the night I was supposed to work. I call that divine intervention. I did end up getting the job at Kroger. Now I had a job during the day and one at night. I offered to work as much as they could schedule me at both places. Cassy and Billy were staying with their dad for another 4 weeks so this was my chance to get ahead financially.
By the time Cassy and Billy were back home, I had purchased a bicycle for me to travel back and forth to work. My mother worked during the day so I had located a daycare I could afford. My mother agreed to watch the children in the evening when I worked. Everything was going according to plan. I was keeping myself so busy I did not have a lot of time to dwell on the emptiness that was enveloping me. Within a couple more weeks I ended up moving from Night manager to Store Manager at Dairy Queen. Ironically at the same time I was moved from Deli to 2nd Baker at Kroger. Now I was working from 10 AM to 10 PM at Dairy Queen. I would bike home, take a shower and get into my Kroger uniform and bike there. The next day I began my routine all over again. Up with the children, feed them breakfast, and take them to their daycare. I would then return the car to my mom, jump on my bike and go to work. I worked 6 days a week at Dairy Queen. I Baked 3 times a week at Kroger. I was keeping busy and that was the way I liked it. Within a month of holding the 2nd Baker position, the Head Baker quit at Kroger and I was moved up to her position. Now I was working three nights on, one night off and 3 nights on again at Kroger and still 6 days at Dairy Queen. At Kroger I was 3 day on . . . 3 days off. I began taking a drug for energy that I found in a magazine. The pills I ordered were called Black Beauties. They helped me stay awake on that 3rd night. I liked being so overworked for the mere fact that when I finally got the chance to sleep, it did not take me long to get there. I kept up this routine for almost 3 months! That was when my 2nd baker quit and instead of sleeping after working 72 hours straight, I had to go in to Bake. I don't know what I was thinking that night, but I ended up taking six black beauties that night. By the time my shift was over all I could think was how badly I wanted to go to sleep. I had that day off from Dairy Queen so it was my intention to go home and crash! I have to laugh because there is NO way I would have been able to go to sleep that morning.
I clocked out and headed out into the sunny morning. I jumped on my bike and headed home. I was speeding so hard on the black beauties that I was flying on my bike. I never saw that pot hole, but it stopped me in my tracks. I flew over the handle bars and landed in Keystone Avenue. The last thought I had was, "Man this is going to hurt". When the lights came back on, I found myself staring up at a man who was leaning down into my face. He asked me, "Do you hurt anywhere?" I managed to say, "My face." and tears began flowing from my eyes. He said, "It's bad but I have seen worse." My whole body hurt. In the distance I heard a women hysterically telling someone, she just knew I had broken my neck. I tried to turn to look at her but I could not move. I realized I was on a stretcher and was already strapped down. I could see a fire ambulance and channel 8 news out of the corner of my eye. The fireman got my attention again and said, "I am going to start touching you starting from your shoulders. Let me know what hurts." As soon as he touched my arm I winced. Without hesitation he cut the sleeve on my shirt. I also winced when he got to my hip and again, an article of clothing was cut. I could not believe I was in the middle of the street in basically my panties and bra with a news crew filming away. I lived 3 doors down from the firehouse. They knew who I was and my mom arrived within a minute of my coming too. They loaded me up in the ambulance. I told them I just wanted to go home and sleep but my mother agreed I needed to be checked out. They thought I had several broken bones.
I ended up having ex-rays for almost every part of my body on the right side. Turns out I only had taken a chip out of my skull above my eye socket, given myself a major concussion. Other then that I just had severe bruising. My eye ended up swelling shut and remained that way for over 10 days before I could get it to open a sliver. My face was so black and blue it was bruised for over a month. It is funny how many women will tell you, "You need to leave that man!" when you look like I did. I tried at first to tell them there was no man. I had done this to myself in a bike wreck. They would look at me with pity and say, "Honey, we've heard it all. You need to leave him." After about a week of this, I would just inform them that I had already left him.
My mom was so mad at me, before I even knew it she had taken my pills out of my room. She told me, "You gave up Amanda so that you could be the best mom you could be to Cassy and Billy and all you have done is work yourself almost literally to death." She was right. She insisted I pick one job and deal with my choice for my reasons had been well thought out.
I have no idea why I am crying again. But I am. I am at Play McDonalds with 6 of my youngest so . . . thinking I need to end this chapter here.
Today I pray for all who have heartache for whatever reason. I pray you turn to God and ask Him to help heal your heart. I pray you are strong enough to lean on others. I also pray for those who minister to the heartaches of others. I pray we always allow the Holy Spirit to work through us. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
Wendy,
Mom of Many
**
I managed to make it back out of the hospital to my mother's car. I know today that it was by the strength of God that I was able to do so. When I got home I went to my room and bawled until I fell asleep from exhaustion. When I woke the next morning, I was instantly in tears again. I got up and walked into Cassy and Billy's room. I stood there for a moment and then I began tearing their room down. I dis-assembled their bunk bed. Ripped out the rest of the furniture and toys and then the carpet. It had never been tacked down in place so I rolled it up and took it out of the room as well. I then began painting the walls. By the time my mom got home from work, I had put the room completely back together. All of this 3 days after giving birth. I could not stand to sit still for then my mind went straight to Amanda and then I would begin crying all over again. I must have thought about contacting the adoption agency and telling them I changed my mind a million times. That night I cried myself to sleep again.
The next day, I decided it was time for me to find a job. I had no car so I walked. First I went to Kroger and put in an application. I also stopped off at the Liquor store on the corner and filled out an application. After that I walked and walked and walked. I ended up at Glendale Mall and went to the bookstore. I gazed at the covers of a lot of books but I don't think my eyes actually read any of them. I was trying everything in my power to NOT think about Amanda and I was not having the greatest success. I walked back home before the sun set.
The next day I decided to walk in another direction and I ended up seeing a sign at a Dairy Queen asking for help. I went in, filled out an application and was lucky enough to score a job interview. The owner hired me saying it was based mostly on my smile. I thought that was so ironic because it was a fake smile. It never reached my eyes or my heart. Regardless, I was hired. I told him I could start immediately so I was scheduled to come in the next evening. I was happy to have something to help keep me busy so I didn't have to think.
Within two weeks of starting at Dairy Queen, I had an interview at Kroger. I had also had an interview at the Liquor store. I even went and took their test and got my Liquor License. I was hired there before Kroger but decided something about that job did not feel right so I called in to let the company know I had changed my mind and did not want that job. They ended up getting robbed the night I was supposed to work. I call that divine intervention. I did end up getting the job at Kroger. Now I had a job during the day and one at night. I offered to work as much as they could schedule me at both places. Cassy and Billy were staying with their dad for another 4 weeks so this was my chance to get ahead financially.
By the time Cassy and Billy were back home, I had purchased a bicycle for me to travel back and forth to work. My mother worked during the day so I had located a daycare I could afford. My mother agreed to watch the children in the evening when I worked. Everything was going according to plan. I was keeping myself so busy I did not have a lot of time to dwell on the emptiness that was enveloping me. Within a couple more weeks I ended up moving from Night manager to Store Manager at Dairy Queen. Ironically at the same time I was moved from Deli to 2nd Baker at Kroger. Now I was working from 10 AM to 10 PM at Dairy Queen. I would bike home, take a shower and get into my Kroger uniform and bike there. The next day I began my routine all over again. Up with the children, feed them breakfast, and take them to their daycare. I would then return the car to my mom, jump on my bike and go to work. I worked 6 days a week at Dairy Queen. I Baked 3 times a week at Kroger. I was keeping busy and that was the way I liked it. Within a month of holding the 2nd Baker position, the Head Baker quit at Kroger and I was moved up to her position. Now I was working three nights on, one night off and 3 nights on again at Kroger and still 6 days at Dairy Queen. At Kroger I was 3 day on . . . 3 days off. I began taking a drug for energy that I found in a magazine. The pills I ordered were called Black Beauties. They helped me stay awake on that 3rd night. I liked being so overworked for the mere fact that when I finally got the chance to sleep, it did not take me long to get there. I kept up this routine for almost 3 months! That was when my 2nd baker quit and instead of sleeping after working 72 hours straight, I had to go in to Bake. I don't know what I was thinking that night, but I ended up taking six black beauties that night. By the time my shift was over all I could think was how badly I wanted to go to sleep. I had that day off from Dairy Queen so it was my intention to go home and crash! I have to laugh because there is NO way I would have been able to go to sleep that morning.
I clocked out and headed out into the sunny morning. I jumped on my bike and headed home. I was speeding so hard on the black beauties that I was flying on my bike. I never saw that pot hole, but it stopped me in my tracks. I flew over the handle bars and landed in Keystone Avenue. The last thought I had was, "Man this is going to hurt". When the lights came back on, I found myself staring up at a man who was leaning down into my face. He asked me, "Do you hurt anywhere?" I managed to say, "My face." and tears began flowing from my eyes. He said, "It's bad but I have seen worse." My whole body hurt. In the distance I heard a women hysterically telling someone, she just knew I had broken my neck. I tried to turn to look at her but I could not move. I realized I was on a stretcher and was already strapped down. I could see a fire ambulance and channel 8 news out of the corner of my eye. The fireman got my attention again and said, "I am going to start touching you starting from your shoulders. Let me know what hurts." As soon as he touched my arm I winced. Without hesitation he cut the sleeve on my shirt. I also winced when he got to my hip and again, an article of clothing was cut. I could not believe I was in the middle of the street in basically my panties and bra with a news crew filming away. I lived 3 doors down from the firehouse. They knew who I was and my mom arrived within a minute of my coming too. They loaded me up in the ambulance. I told them I just wanted to go home and sleep but my mother agreed I needed to be checked out. They thought I had several broken bones.
I ended up having ex-rays for almost every part of my body on the right side. Turns out I only had taken a chip out of my skull above my eye socket, given myself a major concussion. Other then that I just had severe bruising. My eye ended up swelling shut and remained that way for over 10 days before I could get it to open a sliver. My face was so black and blue it was bruised for over a month. It is funny how many women will tell you, "You need to leave that man!" when you look like I did. I tried at first to tell them there was no man. I had done this to myself in a bike wreck. They would look at me with pity and say, "Honey, we've heard it all. You need to leave him." After about a week of this, I would just inform them that I had already left him.
My mom was so mad at me, before I even knew it she had taken my pills out of my room. She told me, "You gave up Amanda so that you could be the best mom you could be to Cassy and Billy and all you have done is work yourself almost literally to death." She was right. She insisted I pick one job and deal with my choice for my reasons had been well thought out.
I have no idea why I am crying again. But I am. I am at Play McDonalds with 6 of my youngest so . . . thinking I need to end this chapter here.
Today I pray for all who have heartache for whatever reason. I pray you turn to God and ask Him to help heal your heart. I pray you are strong enough to lean on others. I also pray for those who minister to the heartaches of others. I pray we always allow the Holy Spirit to work through us. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.
Wendy,
Mom of Many