Revenge is NOT Sweet!

What better day than wild wacky wonderful Wednesday to dive back into ones past. I had been on a pretty good trend of typing out my life events up until the time that I gave a baby up for adoption. I managed to squeak out the next post entitled "The Aftermath" and then one more where I had a back flash on why I believe Bruce left me before we made it to the alter. From there I jumped more to present time and various topics I felt led to write on.

Here lately though God has been flashing things across my brain again. I know it is Him doing it for while what I have to share gives me pause God has been making me giggle about it. Just like he did when I was to the point of having to share when I was molested on the side of the road at a young age of 14.

While that event was something I would have preferred to keep tucked away in the deepest recesses it is nothing compared to what I have to share about things I did of my own accord in my twenties. Free will. You just have to accept that sometimes we make really bad decisions when we cut ourselves off from the Lord.

So, where to pick this up. If you have read my blog entitled, "How I came to know God", you know that I had been caught smoking cigarettes as a child and punished for it. I had prayed to God when it came to facing my punishment from my father and had promised to never smoke cigarettes again as long as I would not be spanked.

So here I was, age 22, still alive but honestly dead inside. After my bike wreck my mother had forced me to pick one job and I had chosen Dairy Queen. I ended up dating a guy from work and within a couple of months he moved in with me. I threw a New Year's Eve party at my home for all my employees and a couple of my friends. I did not know that the guy living with me had made out with another one of my employees until the day he left me for her. Then as often happens everyone steps forward to share what they knew about the situation.

You could say what I learned made me angry as if I needed any help in that direction. I was so tired of being hurt by men I honestly was out to hurt a man myself.

That spring I did some really crazy stuff. Any guy that hit on me, I allowed him to take me on a date. I was not myself. I gave nothing and took what they had to offer. I was even a little mean about it all. I went out to eat, out to movies and then I would simply never answer their call again. I was just out to use them. After all, I figured in the end that was what they had intended to do to me.

All the while my irritation grew at my ex and my ex-friend. Yes, the girl that had taken my man was supposedly a friend. I don't know why I ended up doing what I ended up doing and in no way am I proud of it, but let's just dive into the heart of what went down.

I was on my way down to French Lick to pick my children up from their visit to their dad's when I stopped in at a gas station. I very badly wanted to be out of my head for a moment. I did not do drugs or drink at the time, but I recalled cigarettes would give you a funny feeling. In the heat of the moment I bought a pack and a lighter. I got outside opened them up, got one out and lit it. I remember looking up at the heavens and calling out, "I'm breaking my promise. What are you going to do about it?"

Of course no lightening bolt came down from heaven, so I got a little bolder and continued, "Just as I thought, absolutely nothing. I guess you are as done with me as I am with you." I muttered to myself. A big part of me seriously wished a lightning bolt would have struck me and put me out of my misery but one did not.

I never intended on becoming a smoker when I lit that first one for I hated everything about cigarettes, but I remained a smoker for two decades! At first I only had a couple at night but within that first year that changed to smoking at work, in the car and wherever I was.

Shortly after I began smoking cigarettes, I ran into the so called friend that had stolen my guy and to this day I don't know why I did what I did, but I know I did it. I re-friended her. I pretended that I was happy she and my ex were happy together and planning on getting married.

She invited me over for a hang out and I went. You could say he was surprised to see me. I played very non-nonchalant that first visit. Next, I was invited to a party they were throwing and I went hell bent on breaking them up. I'm not going to beat around the bush here. It was a party with drinking involved. Before the night was over I had slept with her man who was originally my man and then I proudly informed her of what had happened and I left. The next morning I woke up feeling horrible about the situation. I remember walking into the bathroom and clearly hearing the question, "So, tell me, is revenge sweet?"

"No," I answered to an empty room, "Revenge is not sweet, it is very bitter."

This was by far one of my least proud moments. I did not understand then why I had even done something so awful to another human being. Just because she had done it to me first did not make my actions okay.

Today, I know that I allowed my emotions; anger, resentment, jealousy just to name a few, to take over. This is all the evil one needs to use us against each other and use me he did. From here I just sunk further and further into the pit of hell as I refer to it.

I am happy to have told the truth about myself regarding being a home wrecker. While there were no children, these two seemed to be happy with their lives before 'wrecking ball Wendy' came in and knocked some holes into the walls!

My feelings about myself were reeled into even more darkness for this same man showed up at my house crying saying he loved me and wanted me back. He knew I was inside because my car was in the drive way. I know he did not truly love me, but I was freaked out by it all. I did not take him back. I didn't even open my front door.

I almost ended up going back to Jeff after this incident. I was so sure all men were rotten and I was beginning to believe I was under some curse for trying to out wit God and then not staying in my marriage that I thought I was supposed to go back to him and live with him until death do us part. I ended up seeing him a few times and very quickly realized I'd rather be dead then spend the rest of my life un-cherished and unloved than be with someone I did not truly love myself.

I guess this is as good a place as any to share today's encouraging word from K-Love:

Love each other deeply with all your heart. ~ 1 Peter 1:22b, NLT

Sometimes loving others means being kind enough to not lead them on or hurt them. I have not always been the best at this as I have clearly explained. I would like to point out that I did these things in a season of darkness. I am not proud of them but they are truths from my closet. Shoes I wore and stomped around in. Shoes I tried my best to wash off and stash in the back of my closet. No matter how hard you clean some shoes, the only true way to clean them is to come clean yourself. I believe this is what I have done. 

My advice to anyone dealing with rejection, heartache, jealousy, anger, resentment, or any other emotion not tied to Love, give it to God and let it go. Don't allow it to eat you alive, literally. The evil one loves these emotions. He will use you as a weapon. Don't allow that to happen. Trust me, revenge is not sweet at all. Twenty years later, I would love the opportunity to tell that girl I am sorry for my actions. 

Father, today I pray for all hurting hearts. I pray that they come to you and give up those emotions that bring no goodness with them. I thank you Father for taking me back. My outright defiance and rudeness to you would be acts undeserving of forgiveness but that is not the type of Father you are. I am so blessed to be so loved by you. I ask that you hold my hand as I go forward and continue to share more shoes that I never wanted to drag out of that closet of mine ever ever again. I know you are always with me and I know you are always faithful and I am so very thankful for that Father. As I see how far I have come I get choked up for in seeing I also see clearly the love you hold for your children. May more of my brothers and sisters also begin to see that truth about you Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Are You Dressed For Daily Battle?

Totally Tripping, Tremendously Thankful, Thoroughly Thoughtful Thursday! So makes sense that K-Love would have this as the encouraging word of the day:

Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him, singing with joy. ~ Psalm 100:2, NLT 

All that the Lord does for us every day why would you not willingly almost without thought come before him worshiping with gladness and singing with joy in your heart. I find myself overwhelmed by God's Love for me. I haven't always been that way though. There was a span of almost 30 years where I felt completely unworthy of God's love so it was my own self that denied myself much joy and peace of mind and in return did not sing praises or worship my Lord. I was blind. I allowed the enemy to keep me in bondage, holding me hostage for the majority of my life. Me! A girl who was told in her youth by an angel that she WAS indeed a Child of God!! This is why it is so important to understand that Satan is REAL. He is the SOURCE of ALL EVIL. BIG Evil and Almost Unrecognizable Evil. Let me see if I can break this down so that it makes undeniable sense. 

Let us pretend that you have a child whether you do or not. Now, due to a divorce, you are separated from said child. From now on you only get to see this child when they call you and ask you to come get them because this is the way your visitation was set up. They must seek you for you to have a true relationship with them. Your child spends the majority of their time with their other parent who is always 'in their ear' with negative thoughts. Every day they are being told that they are a disappointment.  They are told that they are stupid, unworthy, a failure. They are told they are not really loved by you. They are told so many negative things about themselves and you, that when they finally do pick up that phone, their trust level is incredibly low. They long to be loved by you, they just don't feel enveloped in your love. All due to NOTHING you yourself have done to this beautiful child of yours that you long to lift, for you see the pain they are carrying in their heart. 

Would you not classify that other parent as both destructive and evil? I believe all of us would. Consider yourself fully introduced to Satan because he does this exact thing to EVERY CHILD OF GOD!!! This is why you must both KNOW the ENEMY is REAL and you MUST LEARN how to ARM YOURSELF AGAINST him, the Father of Lies!!!!

So, what is the real armor against such an evil unseen entity? It can all easily be found in Ephesians. This was one of the first Books in the Bible that I fully dove into with my small group. I find it priceless. Allow me to share the attire you should put on daily with you:

Straight out of my MacArthur Study Bible, from the Book of Ephesians, Chapter 6, beginning at Verse 10. My subtitle begins as: The Armor of God

verse 10: Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might.

verse 11: Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.

verse 12: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. 

verse 13: Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything to stand firm.

verse 14: Stand firm therefore, HAVING GIRDED YOUR LOINS WITH TRUTH, and HAVING PUT ON THE BREASTPLATE OF RIGHTEOUSNESS, 

verse 15: and having shod YOUR FEET WITH THE PREPARATION OF THE GOSPEL OF PEACE;

verse 16: in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith which you will be be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 

verse 17: And take THE HELMET OF SALVATION, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

verse 18: With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints,

verse 19: and pray on my behalf, that utterance may be given to me in that opening of my mouth, to make known with the boldness the mystery of the gospel, 

Often when we read the bible, it is hard to make sense of what is meant to be taken from the text. This is what I get from these particular verses:

I need to read or listen to God's word EVERY day. The truth within the pages when read/heard every day, even if it is just a verse or two, will help to armor and renew your mind. You will have God's truth inside your head and it will be growing daily. As you learn more about your Lord and the Love He has for His children, your Faith will grow. It is your shield of faith that helps you when the attacks begin. I KNOW THIS FOR TRUTH because when the evil one came after me hard and strong this last summer, I KNEW, I mean with every fiber of my being I KNEW MY GOD Had me. I didn't understand the attack and the viciousness of it but I cast my own understanding to the side and I leaned on God and trusted Him with all my heart and even in the midst of one of the most brutal storms of my life, I managed to not only function, I was able to press head on! I could not have done that on my own strength for in my own strength I wanted to crumble to pieces and hide under my blankets. SERIOUSLY. It was my FAITH that allowed me to stand firm. A major part of your Armor is your Breastplate of Righteousness. This plate guards your heart. This righteousness comes from Jesus Christ. We can never become righteous through our own good works. IMPOSSIBLE to do! When Jesus died on the cross, his righteousness was credited to all who believe in him, through justification. Because of this, when you believe, God sees you as sinless. Accept your Christ-given righteousness and let it cover and protect you. This belief will keep your heart strong and pure for God. Do the Romans study if you are still unsure of who you are in Christ! Next we come to our foot ware. We must shod our feet with the Gospel of Peace. When in battle it is important to have the right type of shoes on. Any soldier knows this! So where do you find these shoes? How does one go about getting a pair to wear? First you have to discover 'True Peace'. True peace comes only by being reconciled to God through Jesus Christ. That is salvation from sin and its consequences of condemnation by God. Since that reconciliation takes place because of God's initiative, God is called the God of peace. You can verify this by reading Hebrews 13:20 as well as Philippians 4:9. It is This good news that is the message of the gospel of peace. We are to stand firm in the gospel of peace and when we do, we can remain calm regardless of whatever may come our way. Regardless of any temptation we might face or any lie someone claims, even slander or any persecution Satan may bring against us. We are controlled by God's peace instead of fear. Satan operates through fear. If you are controlled by peace rather than fear, you my friend will win the battle Every time! Next we must carry the shield of faith as well as the Helmet of Salvation and the sword of the spirit. The Helmet of Salvation protects our mind. Jesus Christ said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:31 - 32, NIV) The truth of salvation through Jesus Christ indeed sets us free. The shield of faith can be whipped out when you are under attack. Again, Satan's biggest weapon against you is Fear. With Faith you easily distinguish the fiery arrows he will launch at you during an attack. The sword of the Spirit is God's word. This is why it is wise to read God's word every day, even if it is only a verse at a time, within one month you will have renewed your mind with over 30 verses. There is something about picking up God's word and reading it. It becomes something you crave, even more so than food. Suddenly during times of trials and tribulations rather than pacing back and forth full of fear and anxiety, you are able to rest in peace and dive into God's word. Suddenly you will be floating through storms that you used to almost die in. This is the difference of fighting in your own strength and allowing yourself to rest and lean on God's strength. 

Just like with anything we do, don't think you are going to become well versed and full of faith in one day of reading a little bit of scripture. You must make this a practice. Kind of why it is called your DAILY armor! I promise if you truly seek God and His truth, your world will change. In all the things you do in your lifetime, getting to know your heavenly Father and building a relationship with Him is the most important thing you can do. It truly makes all the difference in the final outcome. 

Father, today I pray that your children come to know the truth. May they seek you Father and find all that you have to offer. May they suit up for battle daily and begin to turn back to help more fellow brethren as they grow strong themselves. May we feed upon your word father. May we thirst for it. The other day when as a lady heard about my circumstance she said, "Oh honey you really have it hard. Even prayer won't help you." I laughed and quickly said, "Oh prayer helps me every day." May countless of us begin to pray and believe in the power of prayer Father. I truly know faith can move mountains. May this truth become more visible to countless across the world. May we get on our knees and pray as the spirit moves us. More and more often the spirit moves me to pray for others. May I get more in tune with this Father. May I not doubt where the draw to pray for someone comes from. May I begin praying in the Spirit with Full Faith in Knowing I am being used to help heal others. Please use me more often and in greater ways Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, walks with God

Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013