The House is on Fire!

I don't know a single person who has not at some moment or another either found themselves angered by another or found themselves being the one that stirs up anger in another by mere words that are spoken.

God's Word has a lot to say about anger and its effect. In Proverbs, which are considered to be words of wisdom, we find these three verses:

Proverbs 15:1, NASB says: A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 26:20, NASB: For lack of wood the fire goes out, And where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down.

Proverbs 26:21, NASB: Like charcoal to hot embers and wood to fire, So is a contentious man to kindle strife.

I have shared them with the children and explained the meanings to the point that when one of them is angry and the others decide it is time to whisper something, I simply say, "Don't throw wood on my fire!" It quickly lets them know to be quiet without me having to say anything else.

The other day though, my entire house erupted into arguments and I yelled out, "My house is on fire!" Instantly I had the children's attention only to have my husband call out from the back, "I don't want to hear stuff like that." To which I called back, "Not literally, metaphorically."

Over the years, by pointing out the fire in the room, I have managed to have quite a success record when it comes to extinguishing fires before they get out of control. However, when it comes to Mike and I, this has not worked quite as well. He does not have understanding regarding these verses and to top that off, he can whip some wood around pretty darn quickly. Recently, he has taken to throwing rotten wood at me and I have truly struggled with my own anger towards him.

He mocks me a lot for going to church, for my faith, for the degree I am seeking in college and for blogging and writing regarding God. It's a lot for a person to take. When you consider all the other things I have on my daily plate, its a wonder I don't combust into flames!

Regardless, I know that the Lord is where I find my strength and I also know there is strength in numbers. I don't go to church to be preached at. I go to church to learn, to be encouraged and to stand in worship with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I need that food. I need that time. I need those hugs from my fellow sisters, and I need to hang with others who understand this fallen world!

This Sunday, we had a guest teacher from Detroit come and speak. At the end, they called those of us that felt we were cloaked with something that was keeping us in chains, something we needed delivered from to come forward. I came up. While I have tried with all my might to rid myself of anger and resentment towards Mike, I was still struggling with them both. As I stood in the front praying for help with these, tears began running down my face. Someone put their hands on my head and began praying in another language for me and suddenly I fell backwards and found myself on the floor. Now I have seen this happen on TV, but I have never felt it happen to myself. After a moment I got back up and began praying and thanking God and again someone put their hands on me. It was a lady and she said to me, "Its okay, let it go. He is all over you, just accept all He has to offer." and wham I fell back harder and I truly thought someone had turned the lights on full force for such brilliant light exploded behind my eyes. That time I remained on the floor and basked in the Son's light and wept with gratitude. I truly believe God removed my resentment of Mike from my heart for my eyes see him differently now. It will be interesting to see if he can give me rise to anger with his words in the near future or if they will fall uselessly to the ground. What I do know is this, something inside me changed and for that I am grateful. Anger is a rotten emotion. It only grows much like jealousy grows. It is no wonder our world is in the shape it is in. How many angry people seek God for help with their emotions? Not enough, that is for sure!

Too much has happened in my life for me to lose my faith. Too much has taken place for me to quit writing just because Mike gives me a hard time about it. I have told him more than once that it is God that called me forth to write and I am listening to that call. I also understand that I need to surround myself with others that have true faith in Christ Jesus.

Mike fears the church. After taking both the History of Ancient Israel as well as the History of Christianity, I understand his fear. False teachers abound. We are warned by Paul time and time again to be on the lookout for them. This is one of the reasons that you need to read the Word of God for yourself. As you do, pray for understanding. The Holy Spirit is a wonderful teacher. While the Word of God will help you come to know God, it is in seeking Him directly that you will grow by leaps and bounds. The LORD wants you to get to know Him. He has countless promises for those who seek.

For today, I encourage you to put into practice the advice found in proverbs, "Don't throw wood onto the fire!" and should you find yourself enraged by someone else, kindly utter the phrase back to them. Perhaps it will halt them long enough for you to calm your heart and recognize your own wood throwing skills!

I would like to leave you with this last little tidbit. Satan LOVES for you to become angry. I am fully convinced that he is a whisperer of evil thoughts. From the very beginning, he has been at the root of sibling rivalry and so much more! Most people know that Cain killed Abel, but did you know that before that murder took place, God came to Cain and counseled him? I promise you , this is true. It is in Genesis that we read this:

Genesis 4:1-10, NASB: Now the man had relations with his wife Eve, and she conceived and gave birth to Cain, and she said, "I have gotten a manchild with the help of the LORD." [2] Again, she gave birth to his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of flocks, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. [3] So it came about in the course of time that Cain brought an offering to the LORD of the fruit of the ground. [4] Abel, on his part also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of their fat portions. And the LORD had regard for Abel and for his offering; [5] but for Cain and his offering He had no regard. So Cain became very angry and his countenance fell. [6] Then the LORD said to Cain, "Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? [7] If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door; and its desire is for you, but you must master it." [8] Cain told Abel his brother. And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him.

There is a lot to this story that I am not going to get into right now, for today our focus is on anger and the truth that sin is always crouching at our door desiring to capture us. The LORD's advice for us is the same as it was for Cain. We MUST master it!

I have tried myself to bite my own tongue, to calm my own angry heart, to get hold of my emotions and trust me when I say, "It is no easy feat." Even when I have been able to stifle it, I have not been able to fully put out the coals. It was only until I went before God and admitted that I wanted to be rid of it all, that it was taken from me. I pray that this remains to be the case. I know that it is only with the help of the LORD that it will remain so for I am under no disillusions that the evil one will not continue to whisper into the ears of those that are close to me. I know if he can't get my attention directly, he will use others in an attempt to pull my from my 'happy zone'. That my friends is part of Spiritual Warfare. Our nation is at war but the biggest war is the one being waged against humanity as a whole. It is my prayer that more soldiers for Christ wake up and begin helping bring the Kingdom of Heaven here to earth.

Today if you realize you are holding onto anger and resentment, I encourage you to ask God to help you be rid of it all. It is my prayer that you do this. It is my prayer that you feel the change in your heart. When it comes to others, it is my prayer that you begin to recognize your own 'wood throwing skills' and begin to teach yourself to grab a salt shaker instead ;-) ~ blessings to all who do!

Wendy Glidden, Mom of Many, walks with God.

Don't Sell God Short

Totally Terrific Testimonial Tell All Tuesday: My tell all, even when the outlook is bad and you think it may be the end, often, if it not your scheduled moment of departure, Our God has one more move:

"Look!" Nebuchadnezzar shouted. "I see four men, unbound, walking around in the fire unharmed! And the fourth looks like a god!"

Then Nebuchadnezzar came as close as he could to the door of the flaming furnace and shouted: "Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the Most High God, come out! Come here!" So Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego stepped out of the fire. Then the high officers, officials, governors, and advisers crowded around them and saw that the fire had not touched them. Not a hair on their heads was singed, and their clothing was not scorched. They didn't even smell of smoke!

Then Nebuchadnezzar said, "Praise to the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! He sent his angel to rescue his servants who trusted in him. They defied the king's command and were willing to die rather than serve or worship any god except their own God. Therefore, I make this decree: If any people, whatever their race or nation or language, speak a word against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, they will be torn limb from limb, and their houses will be turned into heaps of rubble. There is no other god who can rescue like this!"

Then the king promoted Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to even higher positions in the province of Babylon. (Daniel 3:25-30)

This is our God! Don't undersell Him to yourself.  When is the last time you opened yourself up to an honest conversation with  Him? When is the last time you read His word for yourself?

Over the centuries, the evil one has come along and whispered to many that the bible is full of 'fairy tales' for things talked within its pages simply could not have taken place.

Why are we open to vampires and zombies but un-open to the miracles of God?

I assure you, we are surrounded by the living dead, they may even desire to hurt you. They need the light, yet run from it. Eyes and ears both closed off from the truth.

We must be shining examples so alive, they come to us seeking what we have.

Be blessed and Be a blessing <3

Wendy, Walks with God, Mom of Many

When Anger Rises, What is Your Game Plan?

Fantastically Fun-Filled Family Friday! I awoke today to discover the place I get all my health food and cleaning, laundry, bathroom necessities, first aid, cough, cold, fever relief, and beauty supplies is offering their annual membership for a mere $1.00 . . . all new customers also get $20 worth of free items to try when they come back for more goodness in their second, third, fourth and fifth month!!!! That's $100 worth of free items to try that I already know you will love. I switched to this store in March of 2011 and have been a more than happy customer ever since. As my friends know I'm a penny pinching momma. The money this store has saved me is mind blowing. The best part about shopping here has been the peace of mind knowing this manufacture cares about health and wellness. Also this is where I have purchased my 'weight loss supplies' so tasty my children won't keep out of them and yummy enough that you actually enjoy consuming them yourself! Oh and if teeth matter to you, they have the best tooth polish on the market, and all their dental and skin care is safe for those going through chemo or anything like that! Switch stores, save money, provide better health for your entire family. Let me know if you want more details! This is the best gift one friend can give to another. I already did my shopping this morning and threw in the items I need by next week. Upon checkout I was offered buy one get one free items and two of them are my favorite 'candy bars' with purpose! I am so excited!! I am telling you this company should have been called the Rocking Fireworks Health and Wellness store because their sales are so spectacular!.

I am looking forward to my weekend with the children. Michael has his first basketball game tomorrow. He is so excited. He woke up today thinking it was game day! I had to deliver the bad news that today was another school day.

When I got into the office and was finally able to check my email, I read K-Loves encouraging word for the day.

A gentle answer deflects anger. ~ Proverbs 15:1, NLT

I had to giggle to myself as I read this truth. If the bible is not a handbook for how to best walk through situations in life, I don't know what is! When I have a child that is angry and another child steps in to comment on the situation, I have gotten into the habit of stopping them short by simply saying, "Please don't throw gas on my fire!" Meaning the situation is obviously volatile and I do not need any of them increasing that intensity. Dealing with someone who is angry is almost as difficult as dealing with someone who is intoxicated. Anger, in my belief clouds the mind and keeps us from making wise decisions. I know this is also why we are advised to steer clear of anger. Hands down, anger is one of the evil one's best ways to get a foothold into your heart and have more control over your thoughts. When you find yourself getting angry you need to have a game plan to calm yourself down. You may even have to have a basket full of ways to deal with your emotions. One for when you are in the car may not work so well out in the public eye! In the car I call for a moment of silence or singing, their choice. I tell the children I need a moment to calm down and I turn the Christian music up a little so that they know I'm serious! At home, I have even put myself in a time out! It's amazing how little ones will quit what they are doing when you tell them you don't trust yourself because you are so angry so you are going to put yourself in a five minute time out so that you can have a conversation with your heavenly Father! When getting angry at a spouse I refuse to fight it out in a moment of anger. I openly admit I cannot think rationally and I don't want to say something I can't take back. I also have threatened and followed through with prayer as many of you know from the blog post 'Convicted by God' that I published in September. Should you find yourself curious to see how that all played out, here are the links to the three posts that play that entire scene out: 

1. http://youareworthytoo.blogspot.com/2013/09/convicted-by-god.html
2. http://youareworthytoo.blogspot.com/2013/09/dont-fret-god-is-faithful-he-always-has.html
3. http://youareworthytoo.blogspot.com/2013/09/better-off-with-god.html

As my grandma said to me when I was younger, "Be careful what you pray for you just might get it." To which I asked, "Why would I pray for something unless I wanted it?" Which she replied, "God has a sense of humor Wendy, you never know how what you desire will be delivered!" Boy was she ever right about that! My advice don't pray in a moment of anger!! I will admit God is wonderful and he uses everything to work good. I have witnessed it time and time again. Even what I am going through right now. I am amazed to see the changes that have occurred in my life over the last two months. I'm like, pinch me. Is this really my life? I know it is. Even in the midst of turmoil I am dancing in the rain. This is the major difference in living life with your own strength and only for yourself and giving your life to Christ and following Him. I prefer an adventurous life. Of course if you have read my blog posts from the beginning you know that much about my story already! The crazy thing is my life has been MORE adventurous since I got on my knees and said, "Your will not mine".

I hope I have peaked your curiosity enough to get you to at least read those 3 linked posts and even more so to dive back to the beginning of this blog and read it all. There are miracles and all kinds of crazy stuff inside! I have been blessed to have been allowed to be a witness to God's glory in so many ways. I still have so many things to share. I am excited to get back to it as what the Lord has been flashing to me takes me back to after the adoption and my near death to some seriously crazy events. I was fearful on how to share and as with all the rest God is giving it to me in flashes and has me laughing. This weekend as my children go to bed, I will begin drifting back in time! I hope you decide to stick around and read more of my life journey!

Father today I come to you with childish wonder. What an amazing Father you are. How blessed I am to have woken up and returned home. How blind I was. How far I ran. Yet when I got on my knees crying and wailing you opened the door again and welcomed me home. Since then you have saved my life, sent me a witness, allowed me to see my current home shrouded in crystals and so much more. I love how you work. Even through pain you flourish me. I love who I am in Christ. Thank you for grace and mercy. Thank you for your son whose name I pray in. It is my prayer that many more of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ also get on their knees and give in to your will. Had I only understood that your plan is so much more for me than I could have designed on my own. I am sure I am not the only rebel in the family! Call my fellow rebel brother and sisters home. Break them down Father. Stretch them until they know they can only make it through on your strength. While the process may at first feel painful, I know the beauty on the other end and I pray they are able to glimpse it early on so they are not hurt and confused by the events that will take place. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, walks with God
Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Saved By an Army of Angels

My son Michael is the child I wrote about in my blog titled "Who do You Curse . . . Why Do You Curse Them?" He was born on November 21st so this event took place right after his fourth birthday. It was the weekend after Thanksgiving. I was approximately 20 weeks pregnant at the time with my last child Jeffrey. Mike was helping a friend with some yard work and I was home with the fantastic four. We had been having a great day. We were watching movies and doing laundry when literally all hell broke lose.

Michael was my little strong man at the time so he had a lot of trust built up with me. It's so funny to think how much of a man this child has been all along. Little boys do love their mommys. Anyway, in the midst of him helping me he was sidetracked by my lighter. I was still smoking cigarettes at this time and over the summer his father had taught him how to set camp fires and his older brother had taught him how to actually light a lighter. He was fascinated by the flame and had set a couple of little fires outside already. He had been warned that making fires without an adult was not wise. Never in a million years did I see what was about to happen.

Back to the story. He had grabbed my lighter in the midst of doing our chores. He was supposed to be grabbing a laundry basket out of my closet. Lighter in hand, he climbed up on his sister's loft bed above the twins bed and proceeded to set a piece of Tia's school papers on fire. Marie and Marissa had gone to look for Michael and it was Marissa that came running to tell me that the bed was on fire. I rushed into the hall and saw the flames. At first I ran to the room and that is when I knew this fire was already too big to deal with without the help of water. I ran to the kitchen and for the life of me couldn't find anything bigger than a punch bowl for water. My heart was racing. I frantically scanned the kitchen and saw the trash can. I grabbed the trash liner out of it and ran down the hall into the bathroom and began filling it with water. We are on a well and I am here to tell you that day our pressure seemed to be nothing more than a trickle. I looked out into the hall and the fire seemed to have tripled in a matter of seconds. I glanced back toward the kitchen and all the kids were standing there with terror in their eyes. I rushed them all out the back door and closed it telling them to stay outside. I ran back to the bathroom grabbed what water was in the can and ran to the room. The fire was already on the bottom bunk bed and I couldn't stand on it to get the water onto the loft bed. I threw all the water on the bottom bed and and was shown my only shot at putting out this fire was the garden hose.

I ran outside to grab it. My current hose was a junk one that kinked with ease. I had spent money on a really nice one at the beginning of the summer for my kid toys but Mike had "accidentally" burnt it in half over our burn pit approximately two months prior to this event. He had no remorse and refused to help purchase a new one so in my spite I had replaced it with the cheapest one I could buy. Anyway, when I went to grab it, it was not convenient. Mike had used it last and it was stretched out over the yard and wrapped around toys. My heart lurched. Michael helped me unwind it like a pro. I never saw a kid move so fast. I had him turn the water on full blast as I ran into the house with it. Much to my disbelief the hose was 3 feet short of being able to get any spray to the biggest part of the fire. I heard bring it in through your window and I knew that was my only hope. I tore through the plastic I had just put up the weekend before and with the strength of God got my storm window up. My home was filling with smoke. I leaned out and caught a good breath of air. As I ran past my door I hit the light switch turning off my ceiling fan as I was instructed to do. I ran back out of the house with the hose. I ran to my window and shoved the hose through it. I yelled at the kids to go to the van and I ran back into the house. I no sooner hit the hall way when I was in a total cloud of black smoke.

The next thing I remember is being lifted up off the ground. It was as if I'd been given a breath of fresh air and I heard. "Wendy stay low. People die in fires." I sped crawled to the hose and yanked it into the girls room and began fighting that fire on my knees. This may sound crazy to you but I was not in that room alone. God sent an army of angels to help me. The things I did next were nothing less than miraculous. I am sure my training fighting fires when I was a child helped me but many of the things I did I was TOLD to do.

I watched in horror as the fire lept across the ceiling to the other side of the room. I heard it try to get around me before I even saw it. No sooner had I gotten the room under control when I heard "Go soak the roof." I ran outside pulled the hose through my window and began doing just that. Within a couple of minutes I was told to go back inside. I ran by my window threw the hose in it again and this time when I went back in you couldn't see a thing due to all the black smoke in the house. I think it was the first time in my life I was grateful for being legally blind. I ran in holding my breath and when I hit the hallway, I slid on my knees as far as I could go. I found the hose again and finished putting the fire out. It was so hot in the house I feared the fire might be burning behind the walls. I was on my way out to the van to drive to the fire station when I heard "Turn off the power" I ran into the garage and flipped the main breaker off.

I drove to the fire station because I had no phone to call for help. Their door was locked. I couldn't see anyone in through the window so I began banging on the door and screaming for help. I hit the garage doors . . . I banged on the people door. Finally a couple of fire fighters came to the door. I stammered, "My house was on fire I'm not sure I got it out. I need help."

The look on their faces is something I'll never forget. They were dumbstruck is the best way to explain it. One of them said, "Mam are you okay? You have soot all over your face."

I screamed, "I WAS IN THE FIRE!" they looked over my shoulder at the van and said, "You have children?" I said, "Yes, they are okay they weren't in the fire. Please, I need you to go to my home and see if it's still burning." I quickly told them where I lived and off they went. One of the firefighters came to the van to look at the children and she grabbed some blankets for me since we'd all run out without coats or even shoes and she asked if I had anyone I'd like to call. I told her my dad. I don't even remember what I told him but he was there in mere moments. He had me follow him down to the road West of my driveway and from there we watched the firemen walking up and down my driveway. I asked my dad to sit with the kids so that I could find out what was going on. As I was walking up the driveway an older firefighter was walking back towards the road. I asked him, "Was it still burning?" He stopped, looked at me and said, "No. You got it all out." I said, "I wasn't sure . . . it was so hot. . . there was so much steam . . . it looked like smoke was coming out of the walls." He stared at me for a second. Shook his head and said, "Do me a favor. Next time run. I don't know how you fought this fire, but don't ever do something like that again." I continued on down the drive to my home knowing I fought this fire with an Army of Angels. God had saved me, my family and my home. As I approached my stepping stones, I was stopped by another man who turned out to be the "Assistant Fire Marshall". He informed me that what he had found indicated that my son was abused and obviously hated his older sister. I was not only shocked, I was insulted.

The police showed up and questioned me and the Assistant Fire Marshall informed me that the department of children services would be in touch. He also told me that since it was of his opinion that my son who set the fire was an abused child, I was being ordered to have to take him in for an evaluation at a mental facility. My whole world was spinning. Abused child? None of my children were abused I told him. Even my father was stunned by this man's approach. He stuck to his opinion. He informed me that children didn't set fires unless they were angry and abused. Again I told him he was misinformed. Regardless it did not matter. They are the law and you must abide by their rules. He made an appointment for me with a place that deals with adolescents. I was terrified. Michael was only four and he was going to have to be interviewed and from this they would decide whether or not I got to keep him and the rest of my children.

I am happy to say that the doctor that interviewed him found him to be a normal child. She was a little upset when I explained that I did not believe he had any anger issues. She looked at me and said, "The only reason you are here is because the fire department insisted on you bringing him?" I explained everything. She abruptly stood up and said, "I'll be right back." She left Michael and I in the room. She came back in about 10 minutes and informed me that we were done and sent us on our way. The Department of Children Services never contacted me over this incident.

All of my children will tell you that an Army of Angels saved me. I did not know until a year later that those kids had watched outside of the window and cried thinking I was going to die. The good news is not one of them thinks that fire is something to play with. The most amazing thing Michael said in the interview with that lady was that fires can get big! He was harder to understand back then so she had asked him to explain again. He told her he tried to punch the fire out but it just got bigger and bigger.

If you had seen the hose I fought the fire with you would have to admit that me putting out a 3 alarm fire with that thing was nothing short of a miracle. As long as I live I'll never forget being lifted off the floor and filled with breath. I coughed up black tar from my lungs for over a week. Everything smelled like a musty camp fire for days.

Mike blamed me for the fire. It broke my heart that he had no compassion at all for what I'd been through. He didn't even hug or kiss me. He was upset that he had to be the one to tear out all the burnt walls and do the clean up and repair of our home. I was punished for this event taking place. He informed me that I was not a good enough parent. It was not a good time in our relationship. Things just went downhill from there.

I don't know why God felt the need to save me that day. I am just grateful He did. What I do know is this. Angels are real.

I hope this blog gives you cause to be amazed. It is my prayer that reading my story will encourage you to get into God's Word. He is using me . . . a murderer of unborn children to show you that anyone that leans on Him and believes in Him can make it into the Kingdom of Heaven. All you have to do is find your Faith. I have been a BIG sinner over the course of my life and yet God still loves me. I committed the ultimate sin of killing unborn babies. Not just one baby but two. ANYONE can be saved. You are required only one thing. Belief that Jesus bore the cross for ALL. I pray that my story helps you with this.

Blessings to All who read this and believe,

Wendy, Mom of Many

Taking Control of My Destiny!

Sifting back to age 14 is not easy . . . still getting back to my story. The school year had just started, I was in band. I'd been assaulted. I could not stand to hear the thump of a basketball. It was my freshman year. If you can imagine I was a little withdrawn around home. My grounding had been reduced a little. I was still not allowed to go visit my mother. I was beginning to believe I'd never see Danny Joe again. We had always agreed if we were meant to be we would be. When he had moved I had set him free. Granted he'd come back for me but since I never saw him since that date I was not convinced he was waiting around for me.

In my heart I had come to believe that if God wanted me to have a baby my stupid plan to keep from having one was just that. Stupid. I had woken up to just how cruel this world was. Again I had NOT processed my attack. Nope. Instead I had processed everything in this way, "I am a virgin, they think I'm not. Why would they think that? Just because I stayed out all night? Stupid. I guess if I don't do things God's way, he'll send someone to rape me."

That would bring us to Christmas break. I cannot for the life of me remember how it came to be but I was going to be allowed to go to my mothers for Christmas. One night. They didn't tell me in advance. I imagine it was so I would have no time for plans. It was weird that they let me because she had to work and was going to be gone at night for her shift. Just like in the old days I waited . . . this time I waited a full thirty minutes. I thought it might be a trap. When she didn't come back, I left. I walked to the old neighborhood down to where Danny Joe had lived with his dad. My heart stopped. The house was gone. GONE! I was dumbfounded. I wasn't ready to go home, I thought I'd find Debbie. See if she knew anything. I walked over to that side of the neighborhood. As I got closer to Debbie's I ran into some kids I remembered and asked if they knew what had happened to Danny Joe's house and if they'd seen him lately. They informed me he lived in a house down the road and around this corner. One of them told me he was at his Dad's for Christmas. Now my heart was really pounding. I knocked on a couple of wrong doors by their description and then I knocked on the right one.

There was a pool table in one room and a dart board on the wall. I'd gotten there in the middle of a game. Danny Joe kept looking at me while he played. I let him know I needed to talk to him and when the game was over he cleared the room. I told him my mom had sent me off for staying out all night and that I'd been grounded for losing my virginity and he laughed. Even I began to giggle with him. I told him I'd been grounded ever since and since I'd been grounded for that I should at least do that. He argued with me. He reminded me of the promise he'd made. I told him I had changed my mind. That made him laugh. I pushed harder . . . I questioned him . . . is it because I'm not pretty enough? He assured me that was not the case. It was his job to deny me. He had made a promise. That's when I told him about me being molested and I cried to him and said, "Danny Joe if I don't do things God's way he'll send someone to rape me. Please help me". That did it. He took me into some part of the room with some kind of bed on it. I can't remember much other than how much it hurt . . .freaking out because blood had gotten on stuff . . .  and how kind he was when it was all over. The last thing he said to me . . . until the next time we saw each other again was at his front door. If I recall one of his 1/2 brothers was standing beside him. Anyway, he looked at me with a grin and said, "You are prettier without all that black around your eyes." I laughed. I'd put on eye liner and mascara on while I was killing time waiting to see if my mom was coming back.

When school started again I shared the fact I'd lost my virginity with Tami. She and I had quickly become great friends. We rode the bus together and she and I had a lot in common it seemed. She confided some things to me about her life and I confided to her about my home life. I still wrote some things in my Diary and I had written about Tami. I had also written about me giving up my virginity.

My grounding had been lifted and I was even allowed to invite a friend over for the night. Of course I picked Tami. Her mom dropped her off at my house. My parents were going out for the night and I can't recall where Tommy and Cady were . . . maybe they went with her. Anyway Tami and I had a blast. We went into the kitchen to make some chocolate chip cookies. In the midst of adding the ingredients I'm not sure which one of us flipped the first bit of flour at who but next thing I knew we were in a flour war! It was quite the scene. We finally got the cookies in the oven, cleaned up our mess and we sat down to watch a true story about the first high school female quarterback. I could be wrong but I think her name might have been Tamara . . . if not . . . oh well not important really.

I'm still to this day not sure what made Chris climb up on my bed and fumble through the books on my shelf and find my diary but she did. I had gotten home from school and there she was waiting for me. She had my diary. I was in trouble. I found it so ironic that nothing was mentioned about how they had been wrong about my crime. . . no . . . just that I was in trouble for it AGAIN! She informed me that this was going to be our secret. She was going to keep my diary for collateral and I was going to baby sit my baby sister every other weekend for Free so that she and my father could have some adult time without breaking the bank for a sitter. As long as I kept my side of the bargain without trouble she would keep this information to herself and not share it with my father. That was acceptable to me. I didn't want anyone to know. My dad already thought the worst of me . . . no need to add to that. I'm not sure why Chris shared the information with my Grandmother but she did. One of my Free weekends I was going to spend the night there. I figured it was a way they could get rid of me and have an eye kept on me. I didn't know until I got there what Chris had done. My grandma drove us to the store and had a conversation with me about boys. She told me Chris had wanted to share my diary with them but they didn't have any desire to read it. . . so she told them what I had done. I wanted to climb into a well and stay there. That night when my grandpa had gone to lay down he'd asked to talk to me. I sat down on the edge of his bed and he grabbed my hand and said, "Wendy, that witch could tell us you murdered someone and we'd still love you. You know that right?" I laughed and said I did. Grandpa Duke. He is no longer in this world but I love him so much for that comment.

I went home and I was so mad at Chris. She had lied. I had to get my diary back. The next weekend it was my turn to watch Cady. It was my turn to ransack her room. I was going to find my diary and take it back! I did not find it that weekend but I was not done looking. That next weekend was a school dance and I was excited because it fell on my weekend. Right before the weekend came Chris informed me I was going to have to babysit Cady. I was like, "I did that last weekend. This weekend is mine. You promised I could have every other weekend." She smirked at me and asked if I'd like my father to read my diary. I told her, "Sure, go ahead." She'd already told my grandparents. I really didn't care anymore. That's when she threw me for a loop. "Okay" she said, "You should know I'll also have to pick up the phone and call Tami's dad." My heart lurched. I'd forgotten about writing about Tami. She had me. No way could I allow her to do that. I caved but my heart was longing to smash this lady. Oh I was so mad. What kind of person would do something like that. I resolved to get dirt on Chris. It was the only way I was going to be able to get my hands back on my diary. I'd had it since I was 10 years old and she was using it as a weapon. That next night I didn't just look for my diary, I was looking at everything. I reasoned if I couldn't find my diary I had to find something to hold over her head and that is how I found it. A letter from a friend of hers. I knew she didn't want the world to see what that had to say. I tucked it away for safe keeping.

The following weekend arrived and I thought it was going to be my weekend since I'd watched Cady two in a row now but in her new found confidence in her threat she had decided I would be no trouble in the baby sitting department. She'd found my weakness . . . my loyalty to my friend. I'll never forget her face when I told her I wasn't going to babysit Cady that weekend. She said, "Well I guess I'll call Tami's dad."

I looked at her and said, "Fine. You do that. Tomorrow, I'll begin sharing with the world your letter from your friend in the Bahamas."

If looks could kill, I'd be dead. I cheered myself on in my head. "Sucks to have someone threaten you like that doesn't it?"

She decided that blackmail wasn't really kind but she was not going to allow me to have my diary. She told me I had taught her a lesson and that lesson was, :don't keep things in writing that you wouldn't be okay with someone else reading." I said that I agreed, that was something I was never going to do again. She went into her room and brought my diary back. Still she refused to give it to me. She said to me, "Get my letter we are going to burn these at the same time." I was panicked. That diary had a lot in it. I didn't want it burnt!!!! Still she was not backing down. I got the letter and at the same time we tossed our respective "blackmail" items into the fire. I was sick. I wanted to puke. I hated her. That diary was going to go to my first daughter. I told myself, "never again" I was not going to write about anything about anyone that could hurt them again. I cried myself to sleep that night over my loss. My father never knew about this incident. It wasn't like I could tell him.

well . . . here I am again . . .. out of words. That was hard but not near as hard as the last chapter. I had dealt with a lot of this guilt when God convicted me on my 41st birthday. Until my next title, I say to you, be kind to others. Don't blackmail. Keep secrets. Don't gossip.

Wendy, Mom of many