Sharing a Bend in the Road . . . or Gossip? You Decide

This morning like always I began my day first with reading the encouraging word courtesy of K-Love and then I checked my blog stats and lastly I opened up facebook to see if I had any messages. This is the only message I was greeted with:

Hi Wendy I was quite saddened to read a posting of yours that contained derogatory comments of your spouse. If a husband cannot trust his wife to defend him then what does that say ? The bible gives warning of the destructive power of gossip in several places . Here is one such admonition from Proverbs 18:8 The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down to the innermost parts of the belly." Also Proverbs 17:9 "He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter seperateth closest of friends."Proverbs 17:9. I pray the word of the Lord will speak to you itself. Believe we are living in the days of sifting and where God is separating the true from the counterfeit and one has to show genuineness that they bear the nature of Christ and without mixture. No longer place for lukewarmness , it is either serve God entirely or not at all . As far as friendship here on facebook is concerned our likes seem to be at opposite ends of the spectrum. No ill feelings just must stay true to my convictions or they mean nothing.Shalom.

I have written this person back but have yet to hear back from them. It was a man that wrote this to me. I took the time to make sure I had the word 'derogatory' itself correct in my mind and according to the dictionary, it states that the meaning is: "expressing a low opinion of someone or something : showing a lack of respect for someone or something".

In my heart I do not feel I have committed this crime. As I re-read several of my posts, I see honesty regarding my situation and the truth that often I fall short of the glory of God. I openly admit that I have much progress to make to reveal Jesus Christ to Mike.

It is my belief that in my being open and honest in regards to my life that I am helping others. We are the church. If we hide all of our troubles behind closed doors, pretending all is well, then we are by all rights harming ourselves and in a way blocking any healing we are meant to receive or deliver. I think that is the biggest problem within our churches today. We sit in our pews listening and pretending that we are living perfect lives when the reality is we all face trials and tribulations. I know the full scope of what goes on behind my closed doors so when I read my own words, I truly feel I am being kind and am not gossiping. If I were to tell everything that goes on word for word, verbatim, and trashed Mike that would be one thing. That is not what I do. In a way, by admitting that he falls short due to his lack of faith and knowledge of God is in a way defending him. By openly admitting that he has no relationship with the LORD reveals the truth that he walks in darkness and does not see the truth in himself. 

I pray for Mike daily. When I talk to him, I often come to the table and share scripture. I don't hide what I blog. I ask him about his thoughts. It is in our discussions that I have come to know several things about the Word of God:

Not everyone gets it. They read without understanding if they read Scripture at all. When they do read and listen, they can twist Scripture in ways that reveal how evil the evil one truly is. It can make your Spirit feel as if it's heart were punched out at times. That is the depths of how sad witnessing such deception can be. It is not completely their fault. The devil can blind and deafen a person, cause them to see what is not there and believe what is not true. Their own Free Will often becomes their worst enemy, for God will not force you to succumb to Him.

(2 Corinthians 3:14, NASB) But their minds were hardened; for until this very day at the reading of the old covenant the same veil remains unlifted, because it is removed in Christ. [15] But to this day whenever Moses is read, a veil lies over their heart; [16] but whenever a person turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. [17] Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. [18] But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit. 

(Isaiah 44:18, NASB) They do not know, nor do they understand, for He has smeared over their eyes so that they cannot see and their hearts so that they cannot comprehend.

Because of FREE WILL, one has to desire truth to see and hear it. We can only pray that they begin to desire. I often pray this prayer for Mike, "Lord if he so much as turns to you in flash of curiosity, please reveal yourself in such a way that he cannot deny you are His LORD and Savior. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

I promise you, I have often wished I could take all that is in my heart where the LORD is concerned and transfer it directly into Mike. He would literally be a different person were he to become a believer. I know this because I became a different person. I often say, "You would not like to know me and my thoughts without Christ's input!" 

That is a major reason I also pray for myself! I know that I am a work in progress. I know that since Mike is not a believer the evil one is able to use him as a weapon against me. It is through my sharing my life that often I find myself strengthened through my own testimony for the LORD often takes me to places in the Bible that help heal my soul. 

It is true that often I too fall to the flesh and react instead of turning the other cheek. Those moments do not make me proud, but as I have mentioned before I truly am 'just a girl' walking through life like the rest of you. I am far from perfect. I do my best to wear my armor and to keep my focus on the truth. Being pregnant does not help when it comes to keeping my emotions in check and it is in confessing my own shortcomings that I am able to reset myself as well as forgive myself. 

I refuse to pretend that my life is perfect for I believe in truth. I believe in my heart I have not made derogatory comments when it comes to Mike. I have shared truths from our relationship and truly am curious as to how I am to defend him outside of pointing out the truth that he does not read God's Word, follow Christ, much less believe in Him, and since he does not, how on earth am I to judge him as if he did? It is not my place. I can only pray for him. I can only ask for prayers for him.

I am fully convinced that I am not the only woman who has found herself unequally yoked. I know the battles that are waged when the scale is out of whack. It can be ugly. God takes our ugly and turns it into something pretty. How can He do that if we are all unwilling to share the ugly in our lives? 

When God first called me forth to share my life in written form, I truly was taken aback and downright scared. I had BIG secrets that I didn't want the world to know. After all, 'What would they think of me?' In all honesty, I could not stop myself from obeying the call. Like I literally could not ignore it. The fear of not stepping forward outweighed the fear of what anyone might think of me. Hence, I cared more about how God felt than how I felt. The same remains true today. 

A really good friend of mine told me recently, "God is not calling you to a ministry of normal so what you do is going to look different." 

I have to agree with her assessment. My story is not the norm, but there are chapters that resonate with many. I know in my heart God is using me to reach others caught, who don't have the relationship that I do. How can they get my faith, if they don't understand that I am in their very shoes? There are parts of my personal story that I don't put out there. The LORD has not pulled at me to go into all the tiny details. Since He does not lead me to, I don't. 

It is truly my desire to reveal the glory of God working in my crazy, broken life. It is my prayer that this is what my readers see. I cringe to think I may be viewed as a mere gossip.

If I have offended anyone by the things I share from my life, I apologize. I would suggest that my blog is not for you. I write as I am led by God. It is not the most comfortable thing in the world to reveal my own shortcomings to the entire world. I guess if it was, that would make what I do easy. Sharing my heartache, my shortcomings, my trials and tribulations is often a bit scary, but it is what God called me forth to do. 

Seeing how it is Super Silly Sing Song Saturday and the topic of this blog seems to be on the openness of being 'broken' this is the song I am sharing today:

Broken Together by Casting Crowns:

What do you think about when you look at me

I know we're not the fairy tale you dreamed we'd be

You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand

And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times

Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light

Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines

Will we make it through the night?

It's going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side

We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind

I'm praying God will help our broken hearts align

And we won't give up the fight

It's going to take much more than promises this time

Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete

Could we just be broken together

If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine

Could healing still be spoken and save us

The only way we'll last forever is broken together

Songwriters

HALL, JOHN MARK / HERMS, BERNIE

Published by

Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

Read more: Casting Crowns - Broken Together Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Here is a link to the YouTube video for those that would like to hear it:

If you are someone who has enjoyed this post, I invite you to read my book. It is my prayer that this collection of 36 True Life Stories compiled into one complete book will help all who read it. I know God intends to bless many through my story for that is the purpose of Him calling me to write it! 

Purchase your copy of "You Are Worthy Too: The Proof is in the Pudding" today!

Father, I come before you today asking for more grace. Let my words be words of healing and not viewed as words of gossip Please help my book become a vehicle that helps others, encouraging them to seek You and giving them hope should they need that. Father as always, I ask that you unblind the blind and open the ears of the deaf. Alot each person with more understanding. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, walks with God, mom of many.

No Giggling Allowed!

Today is Totally Terrific Testimonial Tell All Tuesday. My tell all would be this:

I have an issue with the basket being passed at church. I do. I might not have ever found it as weird of an event today as I do had I not belonged to a church that did not pass the basket each Sunday or any Sunday for that matter. As a matter of fact I cannot find one reference to Jesus passing a basket when he taught the multitudes. I do believe in sharing the wealth as led by the Holy Spirit. I just have a problem with the pomp and circumstance of the basket ceremony during worship.

This past Sunday, I tried out another church here in Reno. I won't mention the name because I don't feel it is my place to badmouth a church by name, but I will say this; I will not be going back to this one nor will I personally recommend them. As Mike suggested after we left, I dusted off my sandals and that is that. I will however share my experience as that is what I do.

We arrived 30 minutes early and as we were sitting on a bench outside where others were mingling, we noticed a sign on one of the doors that said, "Sunday School" and there were children already in the room. We sent our children in and discovered that this particular room was for third graders only. The teacher's assistant was kind enough to point us in the right direction for our youngest and she personally offered to escort Delilah to her class.

When I knocked on the door of the preschoolers, I received a somewhat chilling welcome being slightly scolded for being so late. I explained to the woman that we did not realize that Sunday School took place prior to Sunday Service as a whole and she allowed Jeffrey to attend the last 20 minutes of class. He went in happily so I decided to ignore my own feelings at the moment.

When the students were let out, our doors were opened and the family as a whole was permitted to enter the church. It started out great. A prayer, a word of encouragement and a couple of songs. The first one was "Yes Lord, Yes Lord, Yes Yes Lord" and the children were up and grooving to the tune quite joyfully as was I. The next song was one I had not heard before. One of its lines said, "Holy Spirit please come." and me being me, I know that the Holy Spirit walked in with me because the Holy Spirit is in me so I changed the words to reflect that. I was enjoying myself and did not notice that the very lady that had informed me how late I was in delivering Jeffrey to her classroom was now glaring at me. I only discovered this when Mike shared it with me on our way back home.

After the songs, they gave a little word and called the ushers forward. Bear in mind, my children have never been present at the passing of the basket so this was new to them. When the usher arrived at our row, he promptly handed the basket to Michael whose face lit up at the sight of all the money. I could just see the wheels turning in his head and I quickly said one word out loud, "NO!" To which he looked at me and I motioned for him to give the plate like metal basket back to the usher. Sitting right behind Michael was a row that was void of any adults. Only six year old Delilah and her nine year old sister Marissa were occupying that row and yet the usher handed Delightful Delilah the plate full of money. In comparison to Michael's face, Delilah's lit up like the fourth of July. I quickly told her to give the plate back to the man to which Delilah began giggling nervously. As I was shaking my head at her mouthing for her to please stop, I was tapped on the shoulder by someone. When I turned to see who wanted me, I realized it was Jeffrey's teacher. She whispered, "Is this your first time in church?" to which I answered, "This is our first time here but not our first time to church."

She then looked at me and said, "Well, here we expect the children to sit still and be quiet."

Before I even knew I was going to do it, I stood up and said, "Everyone, it is time to go." She seemed genuinely surprised by my reaction and said in a rush, "Oh my God! You don't have to leave!" to which I replied, "Oh yes, yes I do!" and then I stated a little louder to my group, "Get up. We are leaving now!"

There is little question to when I am serious and when I mean move it and move it out of there my family did. I watched this busy body rush to another member in the church and begin gossiping. I felt sorry for her. How happy I am that I don't just 'show up' on Sunday. This lady showed no love in any interaction I had with her and this is the chilling thought; she is teaching the youngest children about God!

One day I pray that I can have my own church like the one that helped me grow spiritually by leaps and bounds without shoving a basket in my face week after week reminding me that it is my duty to donate to them for such teachings. I want my members to recognize the tug at their heart to give as they are directed to by the Holy Spirit. I don't ever want anyone to give out of guilt for that is not how we are meant to do things. I think many people are turned off by the basket and the guilt teachings that go along with the ceremony. Perhaps I am alone in this thinking but I somehow think I might not be. I am still searching for a home church and I will continue to search until I start my own!

This week I am beginning another college course. For the next five weeks I am taking a deep dive into understanding the Psalms and I am truly excited about it! This weeks discussion was on
Psalm 1: 1-3:

PSALM 1:1-3 (NASB)

How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked,

Nor stand in the path of sinners,

Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!

But his delight is in the law of the LORD,

And in His law he meditates day and night.

He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,

Which yields its fruit in its season

And its leaf does not wither;

And in whatever he does, he prospers.

We were asked to share our thoughts regarding what we thought the psalmist was trying to say, as well as to how we thought the psalm applied to today's time. We were urged to think about something that might need clarified as well as asked if there was anything that stood out to us. This was my response to the reading:

To me the psalmist is sharing how blessed one is when they meditate on the Law of the Lord day and night, constantly feeding their mind with God's truth and wisdom. God's word is a VITAL part of our armor. I believe when a person constantly renews their minds with God's Word, they are able to see through the 'unwise counsel of the wicked'. This is why he who delights in the Lord and his law is strengthened and able to stand firmly like a tree planted by streams of water, yielding fruit. 

The world is full of worldly things as well as worldly people. It is easy to get caught up in the glamour of it all and be pulled into the wake of sinners or to be lulled in by the scoffers of the world. This is why we are advised to put on the full armor of the Lord. Never once are we told it is going to be easy but we are reminded of the treasure we will gain in being devoted to giving God the best part of us each morning and going to Him throughout the day as well as never forgetting to close each day out with a final conversation. In doing so we will prosper because we will always know day by day and minute by minute who we are in Christ and our eyes will always be open to the schemes of the devil.

How does this apply to today? Today is no different than any day since the beginning. Satan is in this world. He wants to keep you out of a relationship with the Lord and he certainly does not want you to discover who you are in Christ. I walked with the Lord as a child but I knew nothing about reading His word. You could easily say I was without a vital part of my armor and I was easily swayed. We all need to study the Word of God; those of us in days gone by, those of us in the world today and those of us yet to come. 

Does something need clarified or refined? Maybe if the Psalmist had switched up the order of His Psalm beginning with He who delights in the law of the Lord and meditates on His Word morning and night, will find himself strengthened and He will be able to stand firmly yielding the fruit of the Spirit despite being surrounded by the doubters and lost of the world. Through it all, he will prosper no matter what the world throws in his direction. 

The phrase that stands out to me is "But his delight is in the law of the Lord and in His law he meditates day and night." This is due to a couple of reasons:

(1) We read in God's Word that the Lord delights in us so it only makes sense that we should delight in Him.

(2) Without beginning and ending your day with God's Word (The Law) one is left open to the fiery arrows that the evil one constantly launches.

Wendy

Today I am thankful that I know who I am in Christ. I am thankful I know that the Holy Spirit is in me and I am thankful that my children think it is okay to giggle in God's house. Had they been laughing during prayer or when someone was talking, I could have understood this woman's reaction. However, they were giggling at each other and the fact that they had thought that they were being given money when that was not the case. I am thankful that I am confident in God's love and don't have to rely on 'playing church'. 

Father today I pray that you continue to teach me your truth. I pray I am successful enough in my studies to one day be an ordained minister. I pray that I always teach the truth and share the Love of God in all I do. In Jesus name I pray! Amen!

Wendy, walks with God, Mom of Many.

© Wendy Glidden 2014

Walking By The Spirit

Hello everyone! I hope the day has found with with a smile on your face and a song in your heart! Today I find God's love for me miraculous. His desire for me to live overwhelms me some days. In the realm of it all I am here but a moment just like you, yet He sent his son to save us all. What a gift. What a blessing.

I have these flash cards that my church printed up and I flip through them sometimes when I am trying to get in the mood to write. I found these three fitting for the mindset I am in this afternoon. This next weekend is the Women's Cross Roads Great Banquet #45. I attended #44 back in February. My small group is going to attend the send off this week.

Going to the Great Banquet helped me completely get the concept of Forgiveness, Grace and Agape. It is an experience I will never forget. In the simplest form, attending the Great Banquet was Life Changing.

It was while in reflection upon that weekend I found myself reading these flash cards. These 3 spoke to me and I have decided I must share all 3 of them with you.

Beginning with Galatians, Chapter 2, verse 20:

verse 20: I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I that live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

Next we go to Ephesians, Chapter 4, verse 22 - 24:

verse 22: that, in reference to your former manner of life, you lay aside the old self, which is being corrupted in accordance with the lusts of deceit,

verse 23: and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind, 

verse 24:  and put on the new self, which in the likeness of God has been created in righteousness and holiness of the truth. 

And we end with 2 Corinthians, Chapter 5, verse 17:

verse 17: Therefore if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come.

It is my opinion that if you are not seeking God with all your heart, you are not reading His word. It is by reading His word that you begin to understand exactly what walking in the spirit feels and looks like.

I think many people believe that once a person accepts Christ for their savior they should no longer sin. It is also my belief that Satan planted that lie to cause confusion within the church as well as separation among believers. After all if you are saved and then you stumble how well does that represent God working in your life?

Satan convinced us to hide our shames and failures from one another. My sisters and brothers, we are flesh. We wake up day after day and go immediately into a spiritual battle. As soon as you spread gossip, as soon as you say something with a sarcastic tone, as soon as you react in anger, you have sinned. I don't know about you, but on occasion these fleshly characteristics have a way of making an appearance in my life.

These actions never leave me with a good taste in my mouth these days. My righteousness convicts me of this behavior. It is not what I desire to be and it does not sit well with me upon reflection.

Walking in the spirit means I try to resemble Christ in all ways. Satan knows this. He also knows my faults as well as my weakness in all areas. I am convinced the more one tries to walk in the spirit the harder the evil one attacks in all forms.  Last Sunday one of our members made mention of how he envisioned Satan checking his database for the best way to attack us. I know he is a smooth operator and quite capable of seeing through the cracks in my armor at any given moment. This alone is why it is so important to dress daily for battle.

My life belongs to Christ. I begin my days with preparation. Some mornings I read out of a devotional first thing. Every morning I listen to Christian radio. Singing praises and laughing will always put you in a more joyous, hopeful mood. Each day I have devotionals I read, I go through my flash cards, I check out my alphabet picture with Bible verses on it, I carry my Bible with me and I pray.

It is my goal to walk by the Spirit always. Jesus is my focus. With that being said, there are days when I stumble. Today I no longer convict myself of being unworthy of God's love. I know that is another lie from hell. Now, I get on my knees and pray for more strength, wisdom and understanding. I thank God for sending Jesus who died Once for All sin, including mine. I know I don't need to pray for forgiveness when I have occasion to stumble for I am already forgiven of all my sins for all time. The evil one wants me to focus on my sin and my fear of my sin being too big to be forgiven. God wants us to focus on our righteousness, understanding forgiveness because in doing so, we will actually improve our walk!
I find it ironic that the perfect song just came on the radio to tie up this post. I have been interrupted countless times and it has taken all day to put these thoughts down on paper. I hope they are an encouragement to you.

Father, today I pray more of my fellow brothers and sisters wake up and begin seeking you. I pray they do not allow the evil one to convince them they are not worthy of your love. I pray they discover what your grace is. I pray they come to realize how special they are to you. I pray more and more of my fellow brothers and sisters begin seeking you in greater more devoted ways. I pray together, strengthened by You, we as the body of Christ become bolder. I pray we begin to move as a body moves when agile and healthy. Father I thank you for the strength and understanding you have blessed me with over my lifetime. I thank you for all I have lived through for living through such trials and tribulations has taught me to find the silver lining that always exists in the midst of all storms. I pray that all my brothers and sisters come to realize there is nothing more special about anyone of us when it comes to you and your love for us all. I pray they realize the difference in the relationship between you and all your children merely lies in whether they are seeking you or not as well as how often they seek you. I pray they come to know in their hearts that You are Faithful. You have provided us with a handbook for survival. Today I pray that more and more and more of us begin to get into Your word Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013

Who Do You Curse? Why Do You Curse Them?

Yesterday I found this on my computer looking for a file to send to someone. When I opened it up I felt like I should share it. I am acting on that emotion. I hope it helps someone somewhere. The knowledge helped me. I originally posted this all over face book funny enough. I hadn't found the format I wanted to use yet. It needed to be without spam adds or income ties. If you've read it before sorry for the repeat!



I have a lot to get out of my head today before I get to my daily tasks. I listen to moody radio A LOT! I love it. I never fail to gain insight from whatever show I am lucky enough to get to hear. Hopefully you read my post yesterday because this just builds off of it.

Do YOU Curse? Who do you curse?

So the other day on Moody . . . not even sure who was on. I came in on the middle of a show and only caught this little bit. A lady was telling a story about her child who she was having issues with. She had prayed . . . she had sought help, all to no avail. So here she was once again at another establishment seeking help. She explained all the issues she was having with the counselor and she was asked, “How long have you been cursing your child?” When I heard that I caught my breath. Can any of us say we have not cursed someone? She was not doing this with a vicious heart. She desired it to stop. She was only explaining what was going on with her relationship with her daughter.

She said she was taken aback. Heck! I was taken aback. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I myself could hardly breathe. I had a child that I was struggling with. In this light I could not ignore the truth. I cursed him almost daily. I began to tear up. What mother wishes to curse her child? I had never viewed it through that lens before. Whoever you have struggles with, I urge you, STOP cursing them.

This morning upon waking the first thoughts I heard in my head were, “What you put out into this world via your thoughts is what will come back to you. The return is NOT instant. The question is what do you want more of? No one seeks misery. We all long to be happy. If you want to be happy . . . well . . . then be happy. Who is stopping you? No one can stop you but yourself. Recognize when you slide into negativity. Stop just for a second. Breathe. Close your eyes and envision yourself happy. Where are you? What are you doing? If you can’t envision where you want to be then pull on the last memory you have that made you feel good. Maintain a positive outlook in all ways always.”

WE ALL Have BAD days. It is so easy to slip into negative sentences...even easier to just have negative thoughts that you don’t share. When you are complaining about what someone does they seem to do more of it. It is the Law of Attraction.

Do you have someone you are struggling with? Here is my suggestion. Pray for them. Pray for yourself. Stop cursing them. When you catch yourself getting ready to say something negative about that person, change your thought process. Associate one good thing with them and when they come to mind reflect on the one good thing. Make that your focus. Chant it if you have to. Go forth and spread goodness and may it multiply upon itself. We are in the midst of a battle. Who wants to be on the winning side?!

May your day be full of blessings!

Wendy, Mom of Many



Copyright © 2013 [ Wendy L Glidden ] All Rights Reserved.

Taking Control of My Destiny!

Sifting back to age 14 is not easy . . . still getting back to my story. The school year had just started, I was in band. I'd been assaulted. I could not stand to hear the thump of a basketball. It was my freshman year. If you can imagine I was a little withdrawn around home. My grounding had been reduced a little. I was still not allowed to go visit my mother. I was beginning to believe I'd never see Danny Joe again. We had always agreed if we were meant to be we would be. When he had moved I had set him free. Granted he'd come back for me but since I never saw him since that date I was not convinced he was waiting around for me.

In my heart I had come to believe that if God wanted me to have a baby my stupid plan to keep from having one was just that. Stupid. I had woken up to just how cruel this world was. Again I had NOT processed my attack. Nope. Instead I had processed everything in this way, "I am a virgin, they think I'm not. Why would they think that? Just because I stayed out all night? Stupid. I guess if I don't do things God's way, he'll send someone to rape me."

That would bring us to Christmas break. I cannot for the life of me remember how it came to be but I was going to be allowed to go to my mothers for Christmas. One night. They didn't tell me in advance. I imagine it was so I would have no time for plans. It was weird that they let me because she had to work and was going to be gone at night for her shift. Just like in the old days I waited . . . this time I waited a full thirty minutes. I thought it might be a trap. When she didn't come back, I left. I walked to the old neighborhood down to where Danny Joe had lived with his dad. My heart stopped. The house was gone. GONE! I was dumbfounded. I wasn't ready to go home, I thought I'd find Debbie. See if she knew anything. I walked over to that side of the neighborhood. As I got closer to Debbie's I ran into some kids I remembered and asked if they knew what had happened to Danny Joe's house and if they'd seen him lately. They informed me he lived in a house down the road and around this corner. One of them told me he was at his Dad's for Christmas. Now my heart was really pounding. I knocked on a couple of wrong doors by their description and then I knocked on the right one.

There was a pool table in one room and a dart board on the wall. I'd gotten there in the middle of a game. Danny Joe kept looking at me while he played. I let him know I needed to talk to him and when the game was over he cleared the room. I told him my mom had sent me off for staying out all night and that I'd been grounded for losing my virginity and he laughed. Even I began to giggle with him. I told him I'd been grounded ever since and since I'd been grounded for that I should at least do that. He argued with me. He reminded me of the promise he'd made. I told him I had changed my mind. That made him laugh. I pushed harder . . . I questioned him . . . is it because I'm not pretty enough? He assured me that was not the case. It was his job to deny me. He had made a promise. That's when I told him about me being molested and I cried to him and said, "Danny Joe if I don't do things God's way he'll send someone to rape me. Please help me". That did it. He took me into some part of the room with some kind of bed on it. I can't remember much other than how much it hurt . . .freaking out because blood had gotten on stuff . . .  and how kind he was when it was all over. The last thing he said to me . . . until the next time we saw each other again was at his front door. If I recall one of his 1/2 brothers was standing beside him. Anyway, he looked at me with a grin and said, "You are prettier without all that black around your eyes." I laughed. I'd put on eye liner and mascara on while I was killing time waiting to see if my mom was coming back.

When school started again I shared the fact I'd lost my virginity with Tami. She and I had quickly become great friends. We rode the bus together and she and I had a lot in common it seemed. She confided some things to me about her life and I confided to her about my home life. I still wrote some things in my Diary and I had written about Tami. I had also written about me giving up my virginity.

My grounding had been lifted and I was even allowed to invite a friend over for the night. Of course I picked Tami. Her mom dropped her off at my house. My parents were going out for the night and I can't recall where Tommy and Cady were . . . maybe they went with her. Anyway Tami and I had a blast. We went into the kitchen to make some chocolate chip cookies. In the midst of adding the ingredients I'm not sure which one of us flipped the first bit of flour at who but next thing I knew we were in a flour war! It was quite the scene. We finally got the cookies in the oven, cleaned up our mess and we sat down to watch a true story about the first high school female quarterback. I could be wrong but I think her name might have been Tamara . . . if not . . . oh well not important really.

I'm still to this day not sure what made Chris climb up on my bed and fumble through the books on my shelf and find my diary but she did. I had gotten home from school and there she was waiting for me. She had my diary. I was in trouble. I found it so ironic that nothing was mentioned about how they had been wrong about my crime. . . no . . . just that I was in trouble for it AGAIN! She informed me that this was going to be our secret. She was going to keep my diary for collateral and I was going to baby sit my baby sister every other weekend for Free so that she and my father could have some adult time without breaking the bank for a sitter. As long as I kept my side of the bargain without trouble she would keep this information to herself and not share it with my father. That was acceptable to me. I didn't want anyone to know. My dad already thought the worst of me . . . no need to add to that. I'm not sure why Chris shared the information with my Grandmother but she did. One of my Free weekends I was going to spend the night there. I figured it was a way they could get rid of me and have an eye kept on me. I didn't know until I got there what Chris had done. My grandma drove us to the store and had a conversation with me about boys. She told me Chris had wanted to share my diary with them but they didn't have any desire to read it. . . so she told them what I had done. I wanted to climb into a well and stay there. That night when my grandpa had gone to lay down he'd asked to talk to me. I sat down on the edge of his bed and he grabbed my hand and said, "Wendy, that witch could tell us you murdered someone and we'd still love you. You know that right?" I laughed and said I did. Grandpa Duke. He is no longer in this world but I love him so much for that comment.

I went home and I was so mad at Chris. She had lied. I had to get my diary back. The next weekend it was my turn to watch Cady. It was my turn to ransack her room. I was going to find my diary and take it back! I did not find it that weekend but I was not done looking. That next weekend was a school dance and I was excited because it fell on my weekend. Right before the weekend came Chris informed me I was going to have to babysit Cady. I was like, "I did that last weekend. This weekend is mine. You promised I could have every other weekend." She smirked at me and asked if I'd like my father to read my diary. I told her, "Sure, go ahead." She'd already told my grandparents. I really didn't care anymore. That's when she threw me for a loop. "Okay" she said, "You should know I'll also have to pick up the phone and call Tami's dad." My heart lurched. I'd forgotten about writing about Tami. She had me. No way could I allow her to do that. I caved but my heart was longing to smash this lady. Oh I was so mad. What kind of person would do something like that. I resolved to get dirt on Chris. It was the only way I was going to be able to get my hands back on my diary. I'd had it since I was 10 years old and she was using it as a weapon. That next night I didn't just look for my diary, I was looking at everything. I reasoned if I couldn't find my diary I had to find something to hold over her head and that is how I found it. A letter from a friend of hers. I knew she didn't want the world to see what that had to say. I tucked it away for safe keeping.

The following weekend arrived and I thought it was going to be my weekend since I'd watched Cady two in a row now but in her new found confidence in her threat she had decided I would be no trouble in the baby sitting department. She'd found my weakness . . . my loyalty to my friend. I'll never forget her face when I told her I wasn't going to babysit Cady that weekend. She said, "Well I guess I'll call Tami's dad."

I looked at her and said, "Fine. You do that. Tomorrow, I'll begin sharing with the world your letter from your friend in the Bahamas."

If looks could kill, I'd be dead. I cheered myself on in my head. "Sucks to have someone threaten you like that doesn't it?"

She decided that blackmail wasn't really kind but she was not going to allow me to have my diary. She told me I had taught her a lesson and that lesson was, :don't keep things in writing that you wouldn't be okay with someone else reading." I said that I agreed, that was something I was never going to do again. She went into her room and brought my diary back. Still she refused to give it to me. She said to me, "Get my letter we are going to burn these at the same time." I was panicked. That diary had a lot in it. I didn't want it burnt!!!! Still she was not backing down. I got the letter and at the same time we tossed our respective "blackmail" items into the fire. I was sick. I wanted to puke. I hated her. That diary was going to go to my first daughter. I told myself, "never again" I was not going to write about anything about anyone that could hurt them again. I cried myself to sleep that night over my loss. My father never knew about this incident. It wasn't like I could tell him.

well . . . here I am again . . .. out of words. That was hard but not near as hard as the last chapter. I had dealt with a lot of this guilt when God convicted me on my 41st birthday. Until my next title, I say to you, be kind to others. Don't blackmail. Keep secrets. Don't gossip.

Wendy, Mom of many