Better to Birth Boys than Girls . . . such a sad belief

You might believe that this is something that is believed only over in China but you are wrong. All my life it has been drilled into my head how much better boys are than girls. I can't count the times I heard the phrase, "It's a mans world". I had some influential women in my life. Here were their viewpoints:

My mom: girls have no worth. All they worry about is silly stuff. She made so much fun of me when I wanted to be a brownie that after a few weeks of it I gave it up and asked to play softball.

My Stepmother: A woman can do anything a man can do only she will do it better. It's a mans world.

My Grandma Rosie: I am woman, hear me roar! ( love that one )

My Aunt Janet: People are people and they are only here for so long. Love them while you can and forgive any injustices you feel they have done against you. (I miss her and her attitudes)

I was in the 6th grade when the most hurtful thing ever was yelled at me by my mother. Granted she apologized to me as she drove me to school that day. It didn't take away the sting. I knew in my heart she had simply said how she truly felt.

My brother and I were at the table and she was making us toast and oatmeal . . . I don't remember what was going on with Tommy and I . . . we were probably bickering with each other. My mom was buttering the toast when all of a sudden she turned around and launched a piece of toast at my head.

"I wish you'd of never been born. You ruined my life. If I'd only had Tommy, your father and I would still be together." I cannot begin to tell you how bad that hurt. I knew all along she loved Tommy more.  You would have had to be blind to miss that. I just didn't realize she resented me ever being born. Honestly I think we were all stunned by her words. I cannot remember what happened immediately after. I think I went to my room. I have never really liked for others to see me cry. So much so that to this day when I cry I don't make a sound. You would have to look at me to realize there were tears streaming down my face. I don't know why I am this way . . . it's just an honest truth about me. Perhaps I'll figure that one out as I go along.

Anyway, I lay here awake this morning with my heart breaking for my brother. I believe God can heal him. I know God sees him and his inner struggles or he would not have told me to help him. Since I was 16 I have not been able to truly be there for my brother. I have carried much guilt over the years for leaving him behind. I'd taken care of him and been responsible for him since as far back as I can remember. Many times I have felt I played a big part in his downfall.

My heart goes out to him. My heart goes out to anyone who has found it necessary to be put on any type of anti-depressants. I know in my heart God is the cure for mental disease. Sadly we have cut God out of every element of our lives and then we wonder why we have so much violence and issues in the world today. That is not to say that there have never been killings and violence and wars . . . it's just I have to wonder, "Have there been so many children killing children before in our history?"

I know what will happen through this tragedy A whole classroom of innocent lives ended. Our government is going to be able to push through the first phase of gun control due to this last crisis. Those of you who have ever been documented for depression will be on a ban list. Anyone who has ever been documented to have issues with anger will be on a ban list. That part of gun control will be easily shoved through this time. Sadly the evil will always have access to guns. Government mandates will never be able to stop that. We will approve this move without realizing what the end result is going to be. Just like with our health care. Many champion the plan for now. They cannot see the wrong in it. Already friends are losing their jobs due to federal mandates in the field of health care. On one hand I sigh with sadness and on the other I look forward to the farther future when God is finally ready to reveal his Kingdom and show us all what paradise and peace are actually like! I know this is all kind of rambling from one subject to the other and even more so crazy as I am at a hotel with my children. I have written this off and on since 7 this morning. I have simply followed the thoughts on my heart. I wish you all a blessed day. I ask that any believers say prayers for those in pain. Pray for them to let go of their anger. Pray they come to know God. He is the healer of pain.

Remember, We are the Light of the World . . . those of us that are confident in our belief ... our purpose is to bring that to others. We were born to share the Glory of God with as many people as we can.

May your day be blessed. Today I urge you to perform a random act of kindness and keep it to yourself. It is more impressive to God when we don't brag on how awesome and generous we are to others. His opinion is the only one that counts in the end.

Wendy, Mom of Many

Too Angry to Process the Assualt with LOVE

I warn you to guard yourself from allowing anger to be the leading emotion in your life. First it blinds you. It allows you to become self righteous. There is a time for anger but it is short and rarely sweet. Please, if you get nothing else out of this get that. Anger is the foothold the evil one needs to have entrance into your heart. You do NOT want him even getting close to that! So when you feel anger coming on I urge you to get down on your knees and give that to God. That is different than "Giving it to God." Let me see if I can somehow elaborate on this through my story. Let's begin with this:

Footnotes and Fillins from my previous post: Grounded for loosing my virgintiy

1. Yes I was grounded for something I did not do BUT I did misbehave
2. My punishment did not fit the crime BUT I did risk my life I brought the trouble on myself by disobeying.
3. I was angry at God for allowing such an awful thing to happen to me.
4. As a child and here in my telling, I did not give sufficient praise for the amazing story Mrs. Compton shared.

# 4 deserves more details. It was while I was losing my mind due to being questioned if I was making all of this up by Chris . . . remember I couldn't talk. Guy guy guy, Gun gun gun, Me me me was literally all I could say. I had nothing else. I could barely form those words at the moment. Anyway that is when Mrs and Mr Compton came to the door. Mrs. Compton was very worried about me. I could hear it in her voice. She asked Chris if I'd told her what happened? I can't remember what Chris said. . . the numbness was taking over . . . I heard her tell Chris she was so mad at herself for not insisting louder that they turn around. When they had pulled in the driveway she just couldn't get out. She insisted they go back and make sure I was okay. God told her she must. Now I am so thankful that God was watching out for me because that whole thing could have been so much worse. I may not have made it out alive. As it was I was barely touched. Some women have stories that will leave you in absolute tears over their pain. When they raced off I didn't realize it was to get this man. He lost them on a high speed chase on the back roads she infromed my step mother. He didn't have a license plate so there was nothing more than a description of the car and I couldn't tell the police anything more than he was old and naked his empty hand had a flaw with it and he had a gun. I didn't tell any of them he'd punched me with it. They might want to look at me and there was not way I could bare that. This amazing woman LISTENED to God. God told her to go back for me and she refused to get out of the car until they did just that. I was in shock when that was all revealed. I was far from able to cope, my vital signs were proof of that. By the time I got in my room I wanted to die and that was the state I was in when I heard my father's cruel assessment of the situation. I was angry.

When anger is your leading emotion you are headed for trouble. It clouds your mind. It closes off part of you heart. It can and will cause you so much more trouble. You HAVE to let it go for your own protection. Ask God for help even if it is him you are angry with. It is okay to talk to God and share how you feel. He will help you heal if you reach out to him. Sadly it is in our anger that we lose confidence in his mighty power. It is mighty because through him all things can be done. If somehow you have interpreted his mighty power to be a destructive force you do not know the father. He does all things through LOVE. We are just confused by the whole "fear God" line. The fear comes from other's warnings to you. They were warning you to Fear God like you would your own parents. Not because he will do awful things to you. God LOVES YOU. He LOVES ALL OF US!

So, there I was on my way back to school. I felt empty, lost, alone. I was to ashamed to share what had happened to me with anyone. I walked into my biology class and sat in my seat. Everyone shuffled into the room and then the bell rang. Mr. Denari one of my favorite teachers ever was not at his desk . . . when his substitute walked in I could not breath. My heart was pounding in my chest so hard. Everyone else was happy to see him. They called him ABC goldfish. Now to me he was my perpetrator. He looked like him. The guy that molested me had something wrong with the hand that wasn't holding his gun . . . it was semi locked in a position is the best way I can describe it . . . it was the only odd thing about him I remembered. I couldn't sit in my seat I stood up and blurted some excuse and bolted out of the room. Mrs. Compton must have warned her son to just keep an eye on me. . . I think he came out of the room and followed me. I stopped and turned and said you know don't you? He did. I begged him to tell no one. I somehow don't think that was necessary. In my heart I know his mother had covered that subject with him. I never wanted to go to court. I did not ever want to relive what had happened. There was no way I could ever get "Justice" for what he did to me. There is a reason you've heard, "Vengeance is mine saith the Lord." again so misinterpreted . . . it just means he'll take care of healing this person his way. Trust me when you come before God and confess you sins he doesn't beat you over the head. He explodes your heart with the truth. Not literally but the emotions you go through as you face the truths of any harms you have caused others. . . you will beat yourself up. It is the hardest punishment you'll ever "live" through. Better for you to go through it now than later. It's also why you are warned to confess your sins. The Catholic religion has really messed that one up with the whole confessional thing. If you think you can waltz into a little cubical and confess your sins to another human being, get assigned a few prayers to say and walla you are good to go, You are a fool. You can share your turmoil with another human being yes. It may help you work through your pain BUT you can only be forgiven by going to the father and allowing Him to convict you. That whole confession element is left over from before the veil was torn. You, you yourself, no one else in the room is required. You alone are responsible for YOUR relationship with God. I urge you to get to know him. I urge you to understand the term Godly Man. A Godly man can never be "Your Punisher".  A Godly man can help you come before God but he is not your middle man. Sorry but if you don't go before the Father nothing else can wash away your sins. You can face Him in life or death the choice is yours but you WILL face him. You will have to "walk through the fire". As hard as it is to do that while alive, it is better. You see once you do this your life changes for the better. YOU open Yourself up to Him. YOU Allow Him entrance into your life. You open the door. He has always been there. He's just waiting for you to call upon him.

I thought I was going to share more of my story but I have no more to say at the moment. This was what he wanted me to share with you today.

It is my prayer for you that you begin to open yourself up if you are a non believer. Dig deep into where your disbelief . . . your mistrust of God stems from. It takes courage to acknowledge you KNOW God personally. We live in a world of self empowerment. You my friend are nothing more than a vapor. When you realize that truth of that and then realize God is right here with you . . . he resides IN YOU, you will be able to begin living an abundant life!

Much Love,
Wendy, Mom of Many