Dec 7th, 2012 . . . More of my Journey!
It was the summer of my 12th year when I decided that maybe God did NOT have the best plan when it came to Me and My Life. I really had no desire to be a mother. Just that year my mother had said some hurtful things to me and while she had apologized to me for them it was my fear that I would do the same thing to my children. My mom had me when she was 16 years old. She conceived me when she was only 15! She did the best by my brother and me as she could. Funny enough she is my biggest champion now and I don’t know how I’d get along without her. Just goes to prove to you that we all live through seasons!
So I was beginning to question WHY I had to be a mother to many. I did not want children at all in this moment of my life. I now had a baby sister who was 2 and babies while cute were a lot of work! I did not know if I had it in me to be a good mom. If I couldn’t be a good mom I didn’t want to be a mom at all! My daily talks with God had become more of questioning . . . bargaining sessions. I needed answers and I felt like there was no better place at the time to get those answers than a church. Funny isn't it? There were quite a few around where I lived and one day on our way to biking to the Rivi Club I saw one that had a sign out front advertising a youth group. I told my brother the pool could wait. I wanted to check out this youth group. We rode up into the parking lot and came face to face with a group of three boys on their bikes. The leader of the group of course was the only one brave enough to actually speak . . . the others just giggled at what he said.
“You can’t go inside.” He informed me, “This group is not for you.” His crew chuckled.
Well obviously he did not know who he was messing with! “I looked at him and said and who are you to tell me I cannot go into Gods house?” I was not frightened.
Just then the leader came outside. I chuckle to this day for I think she was surprised to see 5 of us there outside the door sitting on our bikes. She informed us that we could come inside. I parked my bike, looked over my shoulder and stuck my tongue out at the “boy” who obviously did not have that much power after all! Before the study was over I knew his name and he knew mine and I must admit I was enamored with his green eyes, dark brown incredibly curly hair and the gap in his front teeth. When we were dismissed we all went back out to our bikes. I don’t think Danny Joe’s friends were too happy at all when he asked if my brother and I’d like to hang out with him and his friends. I on the other hand felt my heart pull . . . I was becoming quite smitten on this boy and it was more than obvious that he was feeling something for me. We walked and talked all day long. My brother and I had to be home at a certain time and I was not into getting into trouble . . . yet. So, home we had to go. My brother liked Danny Joe so agreeing to come back the next day was no issue.
That night while I was floating on a cloud I also had my looming future ahead. That is when I became a genius! I reasoned there was only 1 Mary. With that in mind as long as I refrained from sex I would not have a baby at a young age. Resolved in my decision, my plan was formed . . . keeping it safely guarded from God, I would have to let Danny Joe know everything. I needed him to agree to my proposal or I could never see him again.
I have to stop now. Reliving all of this is not going to be fun or easy but it is most necessary. I will continue late tonight after my children are asleep. I hope that you realize I am human. Through the chapters of my life . . . as I share those with you . . . try to stay away from judging me. It is in my own judging of others and their choices that I have landed in some of the hottest water!
Wendy, Mom of Many