Dashing Deals

Thursday, March 14, 2013

I'm Learning to Be the Light!

Good morning Everyone!! It's Tremendously Thankful Thoughtful Thursday ♥ I heard this song that talks about learning to be the light last night on my way to dinner with Brenda . . . it's how I feel . . . it's what I feel I am already becoming . . . So today I am Thankful for sisters and brothers in Christ. I am Tremendously Thankful for Grace ♥. As we go about our day lets be thoughtful of others. We all walk in awful uncomfortable even restricting shoes throughout our various season of life . . . today reflect upon that!

Here is the link to the song I was talking about! http://youtu.be/6bRMemJf5EQ

So here I was on my way to work this morning and I was thinking about all the cool stuff I get to do today. I hang out with my small group and we are studying Acts right now. I'm totally loving it. On Sunday we just started Hebrews. Two awesome encouraging books in the Holy Bible! For me the Good News proclaimed throughout the New Testament has been life changing. I finally get it. I am a new creation. I will have eternal life. I am forgiven of my trespasses. It's a new day! I will boast in that truth until my last moment.

How awesome to be able to spread the good news. Especially when it comes to a sinner like me. I used to shrink when people would say something about me being a Saint due to all the children I have had. It made me feel like such a fraud. I felt nothing like a Saint for decades. I was my biggest critic. I gave the evil one plenty of ammunition to fire against me.

Nothing like helping the destroyer of lives destroy you! Now when I find myself shrinking from something or having a moment of fear I swell with confidence. I say, "Oh. . . Satan . . . man you are good. You had me for a millisecond and then I saw my fear for what it was . . . it's actually you being afraid of others seeing my light!"

I refuse to not live my life for Christ and that means I will face all my fears head on and with confidence. My God is Bigger than all else! So funny another one of my favorite songs (I only have a gazillion of them) just started on the radio.

 "The God of Angel Armies" here is a link for it:  http://youtu.be/VzIABaImiK4  yes it's looking like a music day isn't it?!

I guess that's a good thing. What is it that they say about music? Something like it soothes the savage beast. For me it helps light me up. I heard another tune today on my way to work that led me to know that today is the day I share one of my darkest moments. It's about how we don't fall in an instant . . . how what used to be black and white slowly becomes gray . . . and instantly I was flashing on my past and the song holds a lot of truth. I didn't change overnight . . . it was with each bad choice I made, I seemed to drift farther and farther away from the path I thought I was going to take. Over the course of time I had convinced myself I could never return to that path and that is when God began calling me home. I was shown the message of Grace and learned about the Truth of Jesus. With that being said, let's get these dark ages of mine on paper.

Before my divorce was finalized with Jeff I had let it be VERY known to him that I wanted no more children.  When I went in for my 4 week checkup after having William I had asked about having my tubes tied. It was then that I learned by law I could not have the procedure done until I was either 25 or had given birth to 3 children. I was so upset. I remember yelling at God about it. Jeff decided to have a procedure done so that he could not have any more children. He did this when we were separated. I remember telling him, "If you are doing this in hopes that we will get back together then it is for the wrong reasons. If you go through with this I don't ever want it to be thrown in my face. Understand this will not win my love." He claimed he didn't want anymore children. Two were more than enough. He went through with the procedure. I have often wondered how he feels about me having had all of these other children. Life is Ironic.

So, as I ended my blog titled "How I became a Single Mother" my divorce was finalized in December of 1989.  To me this meant I could freely date Jimmy. He was working at UPS and going to college so his time for me was short and usually at crazy hours. We had been seeing each other for about two months when I called over to his house to let him know I had the weekend off and it was Jeff's weekend with the kids. This was a BIG occasion! His father answered and was kind enough to inform me he was on a date with his fiancee. My world reeled. One of my friends worked at Apple Bees . . . I wiped away my tears and went up to hang out in her station. When I got there one of her fellow buds was working. He was a nice guy and he had been interested in me. He caught me crying and he put everything he had into cheering me up. Over the course of the weekend he hung out with me and we ended up sleeping together. It was the first time I'd ever had an orgasm. Blew my mind! I suddenly for the first time in my life realized what all the excitement was all about when it came to sex! Richard made me feel so special he was a great friend and a caring considerate man. We began hanging out the rest of the week when our schedules allowed it. My cycle should have started the following week but the time went by without a visit from Aunt Rose. I took a pregnancy test and it turned out to be positive. . .

This next truth is so awful I know it is what held me back from telling this story. I had been with two men in one month. I had no idea who the father was. It gets better, I was worried about how I would be judged for not knowing who the father was. It gets even better than that. Jimmy was white & Richard was black. Once the baby was born there would be no question. I was not sure I could endure the in-between of not knowing who the father was. Jimmy was engaged to another woman and honestly I had no desire to tell him I was pregnant and did not know if it was his or not. I did tell Richard about my dilemma. After all, he was my friend. He offered me an "easy" solution. He would pay for my abortion. Even though I knew it was wrong to take a life I convinced myself it was acceptable. At the time the mantra was "This is your life" or "This is your body and your life". It was an acceptable thing to do. I honestly want to puke reliving this because there was nothing okay about what I did. I knew life began at conception. I took the easy way out. In the long run it was something that would haunt me for years and years.

My friend Donna, the same Donna I ran away with and who I was beat up over, drove me to the clinic and stayed with me. The entire waiting room was full of women waiting their turn. You signed in and then you went and saw a counselor. I honestly don't know what the point of that was because there was no counseling. I felt like I was in some weird dream. I was called back to the room for the procedure and it was awful and painful. Worse than childbirth. It felt like I was being ripped apart. Now we know what happens to the baby inside of you during this process. I cannot tell you how Satan used that against me.

Richard came and stayed with me that first night. I howled in pain. I thought for sure I was dying. I know part of me wanted to die. Richard and I had been great friends. I used to wonder what ever happened to us. Now I know. I pushed him away. Looking at him was too big of a reminder of my deed.

Jimmy called me after my abortion. He had enrolled in the Navy. I was so mad at him I told him I had been pregnant with his child and I had fallen and miscarried. If he reads this blog of mine, it will be the first time he has heard the truth about this pregnancy. I was angry at him. At the time I blamed him for my emptiness. I reasoned, had he not deceived me, I would have never found myself weak and looking for love in all the wrong places. Please don't misunderstand what I am saying. This is Not an excuse. I am just showing how far I had gone down the wide road. I wanted him to hurt. That is not our purpose here on earth. However, it was where I was at by my own doing mind you.

This is just the beginning of my Dark Ages. I am not proud of my past decisions. I do KNOW that God uses all evils for good. I know he is going to use my pain to minister to other lost souls. I am going to be a willing participant in that ministry.

Today I pray for those who have made the same choice I did. I pray that you are brought into the light and shown the truth. I also pray for those facing the decision of what to do when you find yourself pregnant and it was not your plan to become that way. I pray you are touched by a believer so deeply that you never have to face the demon of regret. I pray for all who want a baby yet cannot conceive. I thank God for Christ. I thank God for Grace. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

I will leave you with one last song . . . it's the one I heard on the way to work. The title is "Slow Fade" http://youtu.be/dUa8FSVv5Ag


Mom of Many

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