Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Revenge is NOT Sweet!

What better day than wild wacky wonderful Wednesday to dive back into ones past. I had been on a pretty good trend of typing out my life events up until the time that I gave a baby up for adoption. I managed to squeak out the next post entitled "The Aftermath" and then one more where I had a back flash on why I believe Bruce left me before we made it to the alter. From there I jumped more to present time and various topics I felt led to write on.

Here lately though God has been flashing things across my brain again. I know it is Him doing it for while what I have to share gives me pause God has been making me giggle about it. Just like he did when I was to the point of having to share when I was molested on the side of the road at a young age of 14.

While that event was something I would have preferred to keep tucked away in the deepest recesses it is nothing compared to what I have to share about things I did of my own accord in my twenties. Free will. You just have to accept that sometimes we make really bad decisions when we cut ourselves off from the Lord.

So, where to pick this up. If you have read my blog entitled, "How I came to know God", you know that I had been caught smoking cigarettes as a child and punished for it. I had prayed to God when it came to facing my punishment from my father and had promised to never smoke cigarettes again as long as I would not be spanked.

So here I was, age 22, still alive but honestly dead inside. After my bike wreck my mother had forced me to pick one job and I had chosen Dairy Queen. I ended up dating a guy from work and within a couple of months he moved in with me. I threw a New Year's Eve party at my home for all my employees and a couple of my friends. I did not know that the guy living with me had made out with another one of my employees until the day he left me for her. Then as often happens everyone steps forward to share what they knew about the situation.

You could say what I learned made me angry as if I needed any help in that direction. I was so tired of being hurt by men I honestly was out to hurt a man myself.

That spring I did some really crazy stuff. Any guy that hit on me, I allowed him to take me on a date. I was not myself. I gave nothing and took what they had to offer. I was even a little mean about it all. I went out to eat, out to movies and then I would simply never answer their call again. I was just out to use them. After all, I figured in the end that was what they had intended to do to me.

All the while my irritation grew at my ex and my ex-friend. Yes, the girl that had taken my man was supposedly a friend. I don't know why I ended up doing what I ended up doing and in no way am I proud of it, but let's just dive into the heart of what went down.

I was on my way down to French Lick to pick my children up from their visit to their dad's when I stopped in at a gas station. I very badly wanted to be out of my head for a moment. I did not do drugs or drink at the time, but I recalled cigarettes would give you a funny feeling. In the heat of the moment I bought a pack and a lighter. I got outside opened them up, got one out and lit it. I remember looking up at the heavens and calling out, "I'm breaking my promise. What are you going to do about it?"

Of course no lightening bolt came down from heaven, so I got a little bolder and continued, "Just as I thought, absolutely nothing. I guess you are as done with me as I am with you." I muttered to myself. A big part of me seriously wished a lightning bolt would have struck me and put me out of my misery but one did not.

I never intended on becoming a smoker when I lit that first one for I hated everything about cigarettes, but I remained a smoker for two decades! At first I only had a couple at night but within that first year that changed to smoking at work, in the car and wherever I was.

Shortly after I began smoking cigarettes, I ran into the so called friend that had stolen my guy and to this day I don't know why I did what I did, but I know I did it. I re-friended her. I pretended that I was happy she and my ex were happy together and planning on getting married.

She invited me over for a hang out and I went. You could say he was surprised to see me. I played very non-nonchalant that first visit. Next, I was invited to a party they were throwing and I went hell bent on breaking them up. I'm not going to beat around the bush here. It was a party with drinking involved. Before the night was over I had slept with her man who was originally my man and then I proudly informed her of what had happened and I left. The next morning I woke up feeling horrible about the situation. I remember walking into the bathroom and clearly hearing the question, "So, tell me, is revenge sweet?"

"No," I answered to an empty room, "Revenge is not sweet, it is very bitter."

This was by far one of my least proud moments. I did not understand then why I had even done something so awful to another human being. Just because she had done it to me first did not make my actions okay.

Today, I know that I allowed my emotions; anger, resentment, jealousy just to name a few, to take over. This is all the evil one needs to use us against each other and use me he did. From here I just sunk further and further into the pit of hell as I refer to it.

I am happy to have told the truth about myself regarding being a home wrecker. While there were no children, these two seemed to be happy with their lives before 'wrecking ball Wendy' came in and knocked some holes into the walls!

My feelings about myself were reeled into even more darkness for this same man showed up at my house crying saying he loved me and wanted me back. He knew I was inside because my car was in the drive way. I know he did not truly love me, but I was freaked out by it all. I did not take him back. I didn't even open my front door.

I almost ended up going back to Jeff after this incident. I was so sure all men were rotten and I was beginning to believe I was under some curse for trying to out wit God and then not staying in my marriage that I thought I was supposed to go back to him and live with him until death do us part. I ended up seeing him a few times and very quickly realized I'd rather be dead then spend the rest of my life un-cherished and unloved than be with someone I did not truly love myself.

I guess this is as good a place as any to share today's encouraging word from K-Love:

Love each other deeply with all your heart. ~ 1 Peter 1:22b, NLT

Sometimes loving others means being kind enough to not lead them on or hurt them. I have not always been the best at this as I have clearly explained. I would like to point out that I did these things in a season of darkness. I am not proud of them but they are truths from my closet. Shoes I wore and stomped around in. Shoes I tried my best to wash off and stash in the back of my closet. No matter how hard you clean some shoes, the only true way to clean them is to come clean yourself. I believe this is what I have done. 

My advice to anyone dealing with rejection, heartache, jealousy, anger, resentment, or any other emotion not tied to Love, give it to God and let it go. Don't allow it to eat you alive, literally. The evil one loves these emotions. He will use you as a weapon. Don't allow that to happen. Trust me, revenge is not sweet at all. Twenty years later, I would love the opportunity to tell that girl I am sorry for my actions. 

Father, today I pray for all hurting hearts. I pray that they come to you and give up those emotions that bring no goodness with them. I thank you Father for taking me back. My outright defiance and rudeness to you would be acts undeserving of forgiveness but that is not the type of Father you are. I am so blessed to be so loved by you. I ask that you hold my hand as I go forward and continue to share more shoes that I never wanted to drag out of that closet of mine ever ever again. I know you are always with me and I know you are always faithful and I am so very thankful for that Father. As I see how far I have come I get choked up for in seeing I also see clearly the love you hold for your children. May more of my brothers and sisters also begin to see that truth about you Father. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, walks with God
Mom of Many

© Wendy Glidden 2013
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