It's a Boy!

For those just joining me, many of these blogs are chapters of my life. I am mostly telling my story. Occasionally I blog on Bible Verses. . . this blog picks up where "How I Ended Up Pregnant with My 2nd Child" ends. . . I think this reads better as a story . . . If you like this blog, I'd encourage you to start with my first blog "In the beginning" and go from there!

I left planned parenthood in a daze. To say I was thrilled with my news would be a lie. Here I was again on the edge of living my own life only to be shackled with another baby and at least another 5 months from being able to file for divorce. I knew I would have to tell Jeff. Oh I was sick over my situation. I headed back to my mother's for that was where I was currently staying. All my hopes of finally being on my own were smashed. I felt abandoned by God once again.

I gave my mom the news. She was as surprised as me. "You haven't felt the baby move?" she asked. "No. Not yet." I muttered. I was concerned about what taking the pill day after day might have done to this baby. No data. It made sense. After all who takes the pill day after day while being pregnant? A girl who has no idea she is pregnant. That's who! Who knew you could have a period and even have breakthroughs while carrying a baby? I was so numb that first day. I prayed I was simply having a nightmare.

The next day my mom informed me there were two states that actually did offer abortions beyond 12 weeks. It was expensive but it could be done. She wanted me to know she would never judge me if I decided to take a look into it. I couldn't. The next day I felt the baby move. I wept and thanked God. I didn't know if I could handle it if I had harmed this child by taking birth control for over 1/2 of it's development inside of me. I was still worried about things like, 'would the baby have any birth defects . . . or if the pill would somehow effect this child's reproductive organs?' So many unknowns. The one thing I knew for sure was I had to let Jeff know that I was carrying another child.

He came by to pick me up so we could talk privately. He told me he was sure this baby was a boy. He begged me to come back. He apologized for his temper and his abusive behavior and vowed to me he would never treat me badly again. It was all a mistake. He had grown up in a house where the man was meant to be served. I was not good with that role. He thought we could work on it. He begged me to give him a second chance! I just wanted to be happy.You know what I mean? I wanted to enjoy life. Why did there need to be so much aggression in the world. Never made a lot of sense to me. I didn't feel like I really had a choice in the matter. Leaving Jeff and raising one child on my own was going to be tough. Add being pregnant on top of that and I was staring at a hopeless situation. I caved. How bad could it be? He promised to find us a place immediately. He did. A one room efficiency apartment. We lived there until October / November. Not sure which month . . . all I am sure is I moved in on opening weekend for hunting deer with a bow. Yes. Jeff was a hunter. Here I was as big as girl who is around 7 and a half  months pregnant can be and my husband needed to hunt more than he needed to move his family into their new home. My Aunt Janet is the one who helped me move. She was still getting around at the time without a wheel chair. Looking back I am dumbfounded at how much she was able to due at the time. How funny we must have seemed to any who observed us working together. She was awesome. We loaded up her truck from the storage unit and unloaded it into our new 3 bedroom trailer.

Now you may be wondering . . . how could I still not know exactly how pregnant I was by now . . . If that is your question, my answer is this. I never saw a doctor other than the one at planned parenthood.  That is right. I never had any care at all. It's not like I didn't try to get in to see a doctor. I just couldn't get in. I had called the St. Vincent Clinic and tried to get back in there on the sliding scale. Since Jeff was making a little more and costs had gone up slightly, our total cost for all care was going to be $800. We could not make payments since I was going to be around 6 months along before they could get me in. You had to be paid in full by your 7th month. I did not have an extra $400 laying around at the end of each month at this time! We also made a hair too much to qualify for Medicaid . Jeff went to work and asked for a loan like we had done with Cassy. Unfortunately for us, Chris decided we needed to learn a lesson when it came to responsibility. She simply could not allow for me to get another easy ride. If I was not held accountable for my reckless behavior when it came to conceiving children, she was not going to support me by bailing me out financially again and again. Luckily Jerry's girlfriend was going to nursing school at the time and she had a stethoscope. She helped me by finding the baby's heartbeat and taking my blood pressure. It's all the doctors really did when I was pregnant with Cassy. We weren't even sure when my due date was going to be. Talk about a surprise baby in multiple ways.

I was at my brother's birthday party at my dad's house and I was gigantic. I was sure I was beyond 40 weeks. The time was around 7:30 when I felt the first pain hit me. Uncomfortable is as good as a description as any. After the 6th one I told Jeff I thought my labor may have started and I thought we should head to my mom's house. The plan was for her to keep Cassy when I went into labor. My father lived in Westfield and my mom was still in the same house she had lived in since I was in the 3rd grade. In other words we had a 30 to 40 minute drive ahead of us and then we needed to turn around and drive another 30 to 40 minutes to the hospital. Just like with Cassy my labor pains started four to five minutes apart. I wasn't sure as I'd sat at Chris and dad's for the first few labor pains and I didn't have a clock to look at.

We arrived at Riverview Hospital in the ER entrance. Dr Beaver was the doctor on call. I only remember because I found it funny that his name rhymed with Weaver. I was rushed into a delivery room as I was already in transition. William however did not come as easily as Cassandra. She weighed in at only 7lbs 10 oz. In comparison, she was a breeze! Since we had no insurance and I was terrified at how large our bill might be I refused to take any pain medication. I knew we simply could not afford it.  I had pushed several times with William and he had not come out yet. I felt like someone was ripping my spine out of my body.  My mom was hoping this baby would arrive before midnight so that he'd be born on my brother's birthday. That did not happen. I guess he wanted his own day because he waited until after midnight to make his appearance. I was beginning to think I'd never push him out when Jeff leaned down to me and said, "Wendy, he's going to use those salad spoons if you don't push this baby out this time!" When the next contraction hit I pushed with everything I had and whoosh out came the baby. . . no stopping between head and shoulders. I don't know why the thought of salad spoons terrified me to such a degree but it did. Gross enough, I'd pushed so hard let's just say walls needed some attention!

"It's a boy! I told you! It's a boy!"Jeff exclaimed. He even kissed me. I'm not sure I ever heard Jeff so elated. I was just thrilled to have this child out of me and this all behind me. He looked perfect. He was a healthy 9lbs 6oz. baby boy. He had the straightest long nose I'd ever seen on a baby but nothing looked out of place. With a sigh of relief I thanked God that me taking birth control had not affected him in any obvious way.

I had already decided that I was going to bottle feed this child. I knew that I wanted to go back to work ASAP. I reasoned that there was no point in starting something I wasn't going to have time to keep up with. In the back of my head I couldn't get the feeling out of my head. I still had not faced my issues from being attacked. This was an easy way for me to brush all of that aside. No need to face what I'd safely re-tucked away. . . not now.

Well . . . I'm honestly not looking forward to these next chapters ahead. Knowing what I am getting close to makes me cringe. I know that God is using me to show you His Mercy and Grace. I hope that is what you take form all I am sharing. Let my trials and tribulations not go in vain.

It is my prayer that you see how kind and loving of a Father we all have. It is my prayer that you recognize the beauty behind my story. There is a silver lining in everything. Until my next chapter . . .

Wendy, Mom of Many

How I Ended up Pregnant with My 2nd Child

You know . . . I never had any counselling over the incident that happened that summer day when I was 14. The details can be found in the blog titled 'Grounded for Losing my Virginity'. If you have been molested in any way and you think that you can shoved it back into the recesses of your mind and locked it away safely, I am here to say, "It did not work for me."

As I mentioned in a prior blog, 'In Defense of My Step Mother' one of the gifts Chris gave me was the knowledge regarding breast feeding your children. I had every intention of breast feeding Cassandra until the age of 1. What I didn't count on was going into shock every time I breast fed her.

I had been on the program for Woman, Infants and Children at the time. When I went in for my appointment,  it was for Cassy and I. They checked both of our Iron levels and the results were not good. In a nut shell, I was not taking care of myself very well. I confessed to the woman what I was going through and she explained to me that I was not doing Cassy a lot of good. She thought that was most likely due to the fact that when you breast feed, being emotionally tied to it in the beginning helps with the flow of the milk. Since I was so low on Iron, I didn't have enough to give to Cassy through my milk. She insisted on having me change Cassandra over to formula for one main reason. My state of mind. I felt guilty for not being able to provide for her nutritionally.

For the life of me I cannot remember if that lady suggested I go to any counseling. If she did, I did not follow through with her advice. More than likely I would not have been able to get there. I was at a stage in life where I either had to ask for a ride or I was walking where I needed to go!

I snapped out of my funk soon enough once I stopped breastfeeding. I went right into a cleaning maniac. There was a Loft above our place and it had obviously not been touched for years. There was a broken window and even birds had been in and out of this place. Jeff's friend Jeremy had been crashing on our couch and he took a look at the space and thought it would be perfect with a little elbow grease. He helped me attack that room and in one weekend we had it blinging! He moved a bed up there along with his stuff. It was a win win. He was going to chip in on the rent and we had someone to help with errands.

Everything was great until the land lord stopped by. She had seen the fan in the upstairs window and insisted that we could not use the space even though it was on our side. Before I even knew what was going on, she and Jeremy were fighting about it. Needless to say, she informed me she was evicting Jeff and I over the incident. She had to have gone to the court house that day. We were served papers the next day. I was dumbfounded. She never even talked to me.

I think Jeff must have talked to my father about the incident. I'm not really sure how he got Chris to agree to it. All I do know is I was informed we were moving in with Chris and my dad for three months so that they could help us build a nest egg.

To say that it was weird to live under my parents rule while married would be an understatement. Jeff and I found a new place and signed a lease within 3 months as planned. We had $1000 in the bank when we moved into our new place. I thought we were really going to be okay. In less than 3 days of opening that account our balance went from $1000 down to less than $50! Turned out Jeff owed some bank money from before we were married. He had been served a judgement on it and when we put the money in our bank account. They froze the funds and took them. I was sick over it.

Our apartment was right in the middle of town. A new Gas America had just been built and it was 2 blocks down the road. On a whim I went and applied for a job. They were hiring for grave yard shift. I wanted that job so badly. Jeff only allotted me $40 a week for groceries and household needs. Even back then it was not a lot! I needed an income of my own. Grave yard would work perfectly I reasoned. He would have Cassy while she slept so I didn't have to spend money on a sitter. Next I found out about GED classes. I told Jeff that he and I were both going to go to class and take this test. My mother agreed to come up and sit with Cassy while we attended class. I am happy to say even with taking my test going on two days of no sleep I was 1 point shy of a full paid state college scholarship! Who even knew you could get a scholarship on a GED diploma? My teacher was so excited. I told her I did not have another $16 at the time to take the test again. She told me no worries, I could simply retake the history exam and pay only $4.00! I laughed and told her I would think about it but right now I didn't have the freedom to go to college. Jeff passed his test as well. To this day he happily will admit he is thankful I pushed him to pursue his degree.

We were young when we got married and to say we had a great foundation would be a lie. By March we had taken on roommates to help with the rent so we really had no time alone together. When you coupled those two things together I think looking back it was the beginning of the end. I'm not sure if there is any truth to the rumors I've been told years AFTER I divorced Jeff, but if they are true, he was turning to female friends for comfort. I do know this our relationship was on a downhill slide. I no longer felt any longing for contact with Jeff. Sadly we were getting to a point where I was being informed that I had wifely duties and he was not going to go without. Just trust me, "When it becomes a 'Duty', you better do something about it."

I was on the pill and had been since my checkup. The last thing I wanted was another baby. I was already thinking I needed to get out of this relationship. It's funny how abuse starts. It's not like one day they walk up and punch you. An abusive man has to beat you down before he beats you up the first time. You could easily say Jeff and I were in the "Beat you Down" stage of our relationship. I couldn't take the mental abuse so I left Jeff and moved in with my mother in June.

I was still working grave yard at Gas America at this time. Come May, I suddenly started having problems with my cycle. Planned parenthood thought perhaps my body had overcome the pill and I needed a stronger version so they changed my prescription. The next month same problem, so they changed my pill again. The next month I blacked out at work from excessive bleeding and they decided perhaps I needed to have an exam to see if they could spot any cause. So, there I was on the exam table that next morning. I will never forget the gasp the Doctor made. You know how many thoughts can flash across one's brain in a moment? A LOT! Cancer, a tumor, had to be something bad. Nothing I had thought of could have prepared me for her next words, "Oh my God! You're pregnant!" Have you ever heard your world shatter in a single second? I was floored. What she said next was even more shocking. "You're not a little pregnant. . . if I had to guess I would say you are about 20 weeks pregnant. Have you not felt the baby move?" I was speechless for a moment. . . still stunned I managed to say, "No. I haven't."

She then told me, "Well, I'm no expert, but that is my best guess by the size of your uterus." She went on to make the comment that I had a backward uterus . . . something about the position of my cervix . . . I felt like I was a million miles away . . ." I think I mumbled something like, 'Is that a bad thing?' She replied nonchalantly, "No, it's just they used to think girls with a backward uterus had a more difficult time getting pregnant. You kicked that theory out of the water!"

I asked her if she thought anything might be wrong with my baby since I'd been on the pill this entire time. She advised me to get into a doctor as soon as I could. As far as she knew there just wasn't any available information on that. She left the room and I numbly dressed myself. I felt like I was disconnected from my body again. Pregnant? How on earth could I be pregnant. I hadn't called on God in so long . . . I didn't reach for him now either.

Somewhere in the dark recesses of my brain I heard the phrase, "You will be a mother to  many."

** I think this is a good place to stop. I'm not quite ready to journal all I went through over the next 72 hours.

In the Nick of Time!

If this is the blog you land on first, I would encourage you to go to the beginning so that what I am saying makes sense! To do this change your view on the top left from classic to flip card and click on the blog in the bottom furthest right corner!

Recap: I conceived my first child when I ran away in December of 1985 at the age of 16. I was married in February, 1986 against my wishes. By the end of March I had withdrawn from High School. It is now April of 1986 and Jeff, my husband, and I are packed and waiting for Jeff's dad to arrive to drive us to our new home . . . actually I should say to his parent's home.

To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I had never met Jeff's parents and had no idea what to expect. To this day when I think of Charlie, Jeff's dad, I can't help but smile. He was one of the few in Jeff's family that was always nice to me. Charlie had his own hangups like we all do but I loved him for who he was. He never wronged me. He had a sense of humor. All in all he was a great guy.

We didn't have a lot of belongings so packing up into Charlie's car didn't really take that long. Once we were loaded up we hit the road. I had run away to French Lick so I knew we had a three hour drive ahead of us. For the life of me I have no idea what all we talked about for the three hours. All I remember was how happy Charlie was with his new saying for me, "Wendy Weaver wobbles but she won't fall down."

When we arrived to their home we were shown our room. The enclosed front porch. It didn't take long to unpack and get settled. Brenda, Jeff's mom, was not near as kind as Jeff's dad. Looking back I understand. Jeff was her only son. I'm not 100% positive she even knew we were getting married or if she was even invited. I do know this, she resented me for "tricking" her son into marrying me! Oh the irony of it all does not escape me. Not even to this day!

My first real conversation with Brenda was basically her informing me that I would most likely not carry this child to full term. According to her, it was kind of a family curse. As if that was not reassuring enough, she went on to ask me if I realized I might have a downs syndrome child should I somehow manage to not miscarry. She had some articles on my odds all prepared for me. You could color me stunned. I had taken advanced biology in high school. I honestly knew more than I already cared to when it came to birth defects, DNA and crib death! I took the articles she gave me and I went into our room. I confided in Jeff that night that I felt his mom did not like me because she thought I'd trapped him into marrying me. I asked if he would be so kind as to tell her the truth concerning that. I'm not sure if she knows to this day that it was Jeff that trapped me! I do know that he confided this truth to our 2nd child just this last year! Progress . . . you just never know when it will happen.

Brenda and I hit heads over applying for welfare and she thought of me as a spoiled brat. I know this because that is what she called me to my face. I bit my tongue. She could not be further from the truth. I had asked her why we should go on welfare when Jeff had no issues keeping him from getting a job. She told me that jobs were hard to come by so I went out and got one! I had only been working for three weeks when my boss informed me that due to my condition they were going to have to let me go. I was surprised but could do nothing about it.

Living with Jeff's parents was stressful on me. It didn't make matters any better that Jeff had an older sister who was NOT a fan of mine. When I had run away, his youngest sister and I had quickly become friends. I think it was our fourth night that this older sister and her boyfriend were arguing and they had taken the time to put their three children outside of the trailer during the fight. Mindy, the younger sister that had become friends with Donna and I, was informed that the children were outside and the youngest one was supposedly in nothing more than a diaper. The three of us went and scooped the children up and took them while her sister and boyfriend could be heard still fighting inside. The mother of these three did not even come looking for her children until the next day! I don't know how I became her target but I did. She told awful lies about me. Claimed I'd said things I would not have said. The best was that Jeff questioned me on all of this. I told him if you don't trust me there is really no point in continuing this marriage.

Out of sheer desperation, I contacted my father and explained to him that I was leaving French Lick with his help or without it. He listened to me . . . I think perhaps for the first time in his life. Regardless we ended with him offering a job to Jeff and we arranged for him to pick me up the next day.

When Jeff and I had time to talk that night, I informed him I was going back to Westfield. I told him he had a job if he wanted it. He told me he was not going to work for my father. I said, "I am leaving tomorrow. You can come with me or you can stay here. If you are not at Glidden Fence come Monday, I'm filing for divorce."

Saying the tension was in the air would be an understatement! Regardless. the next day my father showed up and I threw what little items I had in the back of the truck and we drove away. No Jeff. Just my father and me. I told my dad I didn't think Jeff was going to take him up on his offer but I had given him my ultimatum.

When we got back to Westfield, my father took me to the office. He informed me that I had 3 hours to use the phone and find a place to stay. "I can't help you with that he informed me. Offering Jeff a job and coming to get you has already landed me in hot water at home." I understood. The last time I had seen Chris she'd informed me not to set so much as a foot on her front porch. She had slapped me across the face during our last confrontation. She'd had the audacity to chastise me for my lack of enthusiasm regarding my current school. Obviously that did not go down well. I don't think she knew up until then that I knew it was her that had gotten me removed from Westfield Washington High School.

My first call that day was to my mom. She too could not help me. She had a roommate and could not take me in. I cannot tell you how lost I felt. I was unable to reach my grandma. She was already in Michigan at their summer home. I don't know what made me think of Julie, a friend from high school, but I did. I called her. I explained my situation and amazingly her parents opened their home up to me. Julie's mom was one of the kindest souls I have ever had the pleasure to know.

Surprisingly enough, Jeff showed up Monday morning at Glidden Fence. He had moved in with his best man's parents in Noblesville. He made a million promises to me at the time. I had already discovered you can't even file for divorce in Indiana if you are pregnant so I took it as a sign. If he was going to commit himself to being a good providing husband who was I to stop him?

I was 7 months pregnant when Jeff found us another place to rent. We moved in the second week of July. I have an uncle who is only 7 months older than me. On his 18th birthday, while rebelling against my grandma, Jeff had agreed to let my uncle who is also named Jeff move in with us. We had not been in this place for a month when our landlord informed Jeff that he had sold the house and we needed to find another place by September 1st! Our baby was due September 14th!!

Amazingly enough we did find a one bedroom apartment to move into. Believe it or not, my uncle had already found a new girlfriend and she wanted him to move in with her. Once again we packed and unpacked into a new place.

September 14th came and I thought I was going into labor that night. My mom came over as she was my ride to the hospital but it turned out I was only having Braxton Hicks contractions. My mom had always told me for her labor didn't hurt that bad so I really had no clue as to what I was looking for!

Seven days later, I awoke to a sharp pain followed by another uncomfortable pain 4 minutes later. I thought I was having some type of indigestion or something. Then another one came 3 minutes later followed by another one 3 minutes later. I woke Jeff up and said, "I think I'm really in labor this time! I'm having pain every 3 minutes!" We had been told with your first baby your contractions start 10 to 15 minutes apart. He started timing me himself. I think he thought I was not doing it right. I called my mom. I knew we didn't have time to mess around. She lived 45 minutes away and we had a 45 minute drive to the hospital!

Jeff confirmed that my contractions were only 3 minutes apart and my mom said she was heading out the door. 11 contractions later, they began coming every 2 minutes. By this time a friend of Jeff's named Jeremy had stopped by. I think he was more panicked than Jeff or I! By the time my mother showed up, he was suggesting we call for an ambulance!

Between contractions I climbed down the flight of stairs and got in the back of my mom's car. Jeff got in the front seat. Don't think he wouldn't have let me sit up front, he would have. I needed to lay down or so I thought. I think I sat up and laid down a few hundred times finding comfort in no position.

When we arrived at the hospital my contractions were a minute apart. The rushed me into an exam room and the ER doctor checked me. I was dilated to 9cm and they rushed me to a delivery room. I had been going to the St. Vincent Clinic for all my care. Being a clinic patient on a sliding scale meant that you were being seen by mostly med students. I had agreed to be a ginny pig for an epidural. They called in the med student and had me roll on my side. He was quick. I never felt a thing. Might be because I was in soooooo much pain at the time! They rolled me on my back and the entire room was in motion.

The doctor on call was still trying to get situated when the next contraction hit. I bore down and basically roared from somewhere deep inside. I remember him saying, "I'm not ready yet, don't push, pant pant blow."

Anyone who has gone through the pain of child birth knows when you get to this point it is all natural. There is no holding back! When my next contraction hit I yelled, "You pant pant blow, I'mmmmmmmmmm pushhhhhiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnggggggggg!" and whoosh,  Cassandra Nicole entered the world. From start to finish I was in labor with my first child for a whopping 2 hours and 15 minutes! I think the funniest thing about my first birth was 10 minutes after Cassy entered the world, my entire lower body went completely numb! I had not one bit of pain for the next few hours!!

Being as young as I was and having a mom and dad as young as they were, you could say my hospital room was packed. The nurse came in to inform everyone in the room if they weren't grandparents or sisters and brothers they had to leave the room. No one left!

Slowly the room emptied out as each grandparent and great grandparent was done admiring her. When my step mother bent down to say good bye she informed me she thought is was total crap that I didn't suffer enough during childbirth. She had been in labor for 24 hours with my sister. I would like to say I was shocked by her statement. If I did, I would be lying.

This is a good place close this chapter. I'm sure I've mentioned it once or twice but this decade of my life spiraled further and further down. The longer I remained disappointed and let down by God, the more alone I felt. Of course if you knew me back then, I'm not sure you would have picked up on that. I had never been one to cry on someone else's shoulders! I have friends that claim I'm strong. I tell them, "Girl, I'm no different than you. I cry and wail like the best of them!"

I hope to be back to write a few more chapters. I just don't know their titles yet. I have been given one but it is up the road a bit. I've got approximately 3 years to cover before I get to it. Praying for guidance as I continue.

Wendy, Mom of Many

The Golden Rule!

When I was in elementary school, every child knew "The Golden Rule!" Today the same thing cannot be said. Knowing that this Golden Rule came from the Word of God, I pondered this: "Is that why we stopped teaching it in school?"

Where did the big drive to protect our children from so called "Religion" come from? I am not for Religion but I am all for the Word of God! Somehow I just don't think this is what our forefathers had in mind with the whole separation of Church and State.

Teaching our children about morals as well as manners is vital! We have the "don't bully rule" but I don't think there is enough emphasis put on the solution.

Today I am on letter "D" and the verse under it comes out of the Gospel Luke, Chapter 6, Verse 31. On my Alphabet Picture, it reads like this (red because it was said by Jesus himself):

"Do to others as you would have them do to you."

Kind of hard to be cruel and unkind to another person when you know in your heart how you'd feel if the tables were turned! This is not only a good lesson for children, it is a Great lesson for us adults! How can we expect the children to know how to treat others when we aren't good at it ourselves? The honest answer is we shouldn't.

As I sometimes do, I like to take in more than just the quote itself. Again, this paints such a bigger picture. I am going to continue down to verse 36:

"If you love only those who love you, why should you get credit for that?

 Even sinners love those who love them!

 And if you do good only to those who do good to you, why should you get credit?

 Even sinners will lend to other senders for a full return.

 Love your enemies! Do good to them.

 Lend to them without expecting to be repaid.

 Then your reward from heaven will be very great,

 and you will truly be acting as children of the Most High,

 for he is kind to those who are unthankful and wicked.

You must be compassionate, just as you Father is compassionate."

If you listened to what Jesus taught, and you attempted to follow his directions, your life would be enriched. The Holy Bible is full of incredible stories. Nothing written in The Holy Bible has been discredited throughout history . . . no matter how hard people have tried. I have a hard time understanding the opposition to what the Word of God teaches. I am intrigued by those who are so against a Loving God. My heart goes out to them for I know they have not been shown the Truth. Many are blind to it and unwilling to see.

If you are a parent I make this plea to you, take an honest look into the Word of God . . . skip Genesis for now . . . go to Proverbs or Ephesians. Read it with your own eyes. If you are open to wanting your children to grow into loving, confident adults you owe it to both them and you to do so. Most parents would go to great lengths to give their children a good foundation to succeed in life. I hope you are among them!

I must get working on the next chapter regarding my life story. Again I have been delayed. I must be causing a ripple because the evil one had me almost convinced that I should quit writing about my life with God . . . really about anything to do with God. It was this morning that I realized I was being bombarded with negative thoughts about myself. He is sneaky . . . put down your guard . . . think you've got this thing by it's tail and wham! you are flat on the ground . . . so happy Our Father is there to breathe Life right back into me!

Today, I ask for prayers for all believers and spreaders of the Good News to have moments of encouragement throughout each day. May we encourage and lift up one another in all ways on all days. I pray that those who are in doubt are shown the light. May it be enough to cause one's heart to seek more truth. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, Mom of Many


Copyright © 2013 [ Wendy L Glidden ] All Rights Reserved.

Faith . . . Do You Ever Struggle With It?

Personally, I know in my heart I struggle with Faith. Faith in myself. Faith that God still loves me. Faith that I can hear His direction. I think this is a battle we all face Daily! I know this is why we are warned to put on our spiritual armor.

Today I found myself elated. I have a friend on facebook that had responded to a status of mine the other day basically saying she was angry at God. I sent her some hugs and prayed for her.

Today, I posted a reply on another friends status. He had asked this, "May I please ask you a question please! How do we stop letting life's hurts and hardships knock us down?" 

Without Hesitation, I replied, "Can't stop the hurts or we wouldn't have 'heart' . . . sometimes the hardship is so hard it does knock us down . . . it is Hope and Faith that you need to regain your footing and get back up!"

When I got back from lunch I saw he had responded to me and I went to see what he had said . . . thanks and blessings was the gist. What happened next though I questioned. I felt encouraged to post part of this as a status. I questioned the idea at first but knew that feeling came from the Holy Spirit inside of me. I was drawn more to the second part of my reply so I posted my status as this: " Sometimes the hardship is so hard it does knock us down. It is Hope and Faith that you need to regain your footing and get back up!"

This is where things get interesting though, instantly I saw that the person from yesterday had commented under my status with this, "I am having a hard time with the hope and faith right now. I need to give it to God but right now I am so angry with him and myself."

My heart instantly went out to her. I asked in my head, "Father, How do I help her with this?"

As most days, my bible was beside me. I knew there was an index in the back where you could look up topics. I flipped to Faithful and nothing jumped out . . . next was Faithfulness and again . . . no lights or tugs on my heart as I skimmed down the line. I was just about to look up Hope when I thought to check back a page and see if there was a heading for Faith itself and there is! As you can tell I am just learning my way around the Holy Bible! Anyway, instantly 4 references jumped out at me. Not having scripture memorized AT ALL I jotted down the verses I was led to share. I typed them for her as I read them myself. . . here is my reply to her!

"(((hugs))) I was led to share this with you: Last sentence from Isahia 7:9 : But this is what the Sovereign Lord says, "Unless your faith is firm I cannot make you stand firm." Also Luke 12:28 "And if God cares so wonderfully for flowers that are here today and thrown in the fire tomorrow he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?" next he gave me Romans 1:12 "When we get together I want to encourage you in your faith but I also want to be encouraged by yours." Lastly 2nd Corinthians 1:24 "But that does not mean we want to dominate you by telling you how to put your faith into practice. We want to work together with you so you will be full of joy, for it is by your own faith that you stand firm"

As soon as I finished typing it in I hit the enter key and THEN I read what I had sent to her. I was left with a smile on my face. It instantly hit me. Yesterday I had struggled with my blog. To the point of not finishing it. I questioned my purpose among other things . . . yes . . . my faith faltered. Here was what I wrote her next: "I too struggle with Trust as well as Faith . . . I'm not sure if this was meant more for you or for me LOL . . . ((((hugs)))) I have to say I am elated by this Truth. Stand Firm  You and I both know you would not have shared God with your mother if you yourself were without faith in Him!"

I'm not sure who else God intends to read this message I just know He is control of my blogs and this was on my heart to share here.

My challenge for anyone who reads this post is simply this, "What ever you are struggling with, there is something in the Bible that will speak to you. I pray you take the time needed to look for it until you find it."

Hugs, 

Wendy, Mom of Many

Feel Free to Give Up Your Burdens, Help Has Arrived!

Good morning! I hope my blog finds you in a good place. If not, well, perhaps this message is just what the doctor ordered! Today's "Daily Bread" blog in based on the verse listed under the letter "C", courtesy of my Alphabet Picture! The verse itself comes from The Gospel of Matthew, Chapter 11, Verse 28. My New Living Translation, 2nd addition, reads like this:

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest."

I don't know about you but there are days I need the world to be lifted off my shoulders. I long for someone else to take my troubles on. I am here to proclaim the Good News to you. Jesus, God's only begotten son, came here to do just that!

My sisters and brothers, I am here to tell you, I took on the world without turning to God for too many years. That is not to say that I ever lost my belief in God. Heck, even Satan and all his minions Believe in God! Sadly, I lost my Faith in God rooting for me somewhere along my life's journey. I allowed the Evil one entrance into my head. 

I allowed myself to be tricked, deceived, lied to. You see, the evil one is a shrewd character. He understands that we have inside of us the desire to please our Heavenly Father. He uses the things we beat ourselves up over to his advantage. He knows our "shames". He throws them in our face and tells us how unworthy we are of God's Love. Satan is an ABSOLUTE Liar! Read your Holy Bible my friends. It overflows with proof of God's Love for YOU. 

While growing up, many of us learned all about Sin and the Pit of Hell. Sunday after Sunday some of us heard lessons talking about a God to be feared. If you were like me, you knew some things you did were down right wrong and you beat yourself up more than needed. You have to come completely clean of these shames. You see, God already knew you would sin... Ironically he knows all of your sins. He's waiting patiently for your to come to terms with these things yourself. If you take a long hard look, you'll see his work in your life. Some people refer to these things as signs. Our Father knew we couldn't make it without some help . . . a LOT of help! It's the reason He was willing to sacrifice His Own Son . . . His ONLY Begotten Son. If you are a parent already, can you wrap your head around that Truth? It's Huge! On a sidenote here, Jesus was aware of this plan of sacrifice. . . everytime he talks about his upcoming sacrifice he immediately gives the good news that He will return; ie: I lay my life down and I will pick it back up.(John 10:17)

Anyway, if you don't open your closet and come clean with God, you are only giving the Devil all he needs to destroy who God intended for you to be.

I feel the need to share the rest of what Jesus said in this chapter:

"Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light."

I think the yoke he is referring to here is sharing the Truth and in sharing we will always reveal the Glory and Grace of God. I know you have all heard the saying, "The Truth shall set you Free." Pardon the pun, but there is a lot of Truth to that statement!

Now that I have come forward and openly admitted my wrongs to not only myself and God but to others as well, I have reduced the Devil's power over me. Nothing in the world feels as good as that! Just like an abusive partner that tries to seclude you from your friends, the Evil one attempts to do the same. If he can convince us that we are not worthy, we are liars, sinners, fakes and frauds, undeserving of goodness, he wins. Do not ALLOW him to rule your life. He came here to destroy you . . . I ask, "Are you willing to let him win?"

Satan is Evil I shout out loud

Declare your Shames, Make your father proud

Not a thing you have done or could ever do

Could keep your Heavenly Father from Loving YOU

Oh the evil one He’s so so shrewd

Using your sins, He’s so so crude

He takes your shames and he places blames

His only goal is to keep you from your work

I promise you the Devil’s a vicious jerk

He is cruel, he’s so unkind

With negativity he invades your mind

But you have so much light deep inside

Lay down your ego, put down your pride

Not one of us is perfect, we all fall flat

But you see Your Father, He knew all that

Step out of the shadows and walk in the light

Give Glory to God as you win the fight!

It is my prayer for you today that you begin to open yourself up to the Love of God. I pray that if you have never given the Word of God the time of day, you begin to do so. I pray you seek out others who are leading the fight to spiritual freedom. I pray that God helps you find them. I pray if you are lost, lonely or hopeless that you are able to recognize the signs that God sends you. In Jesus name, Amen.

Love,

Wendy, Mom of Many



Copyright © 2013 [ Wendy L Glidden ] All Rights Reserved.

How I Became a High School Drop Out

** I don't want to leave this out because it is one of my favorite moments. When I was sentenced into my parents custody I was also placed on probation. My probation officer ordered me to counseling. My counselor was a man who had adopted quite a few Foster Children. I think he had like seven. Somewhere in our first conversation I had mentioned I loved to write. He asked if I would be willing to share some of my stuff with him. I honestly liked the guy so I said I would. When we met the second time I gave him some of my poems. He read the first few and looked at me for a moment. Then he said, "Wendy, I don't have anything to teach you. I don't think you are messed up at all. You understand more about life than I think your parents give you credit for. I will tell your probation officer that as well. From now on, I want you to take the $30 you are supposed to give me and spend this time and money on yourself." I can't remember if he knew I was being forced to get married or not . . . I think he did. At the time I don't think either of us realized the date was going to be set so quickly.

While not loving the fact that I had to be married off . . . While not thrilled with the fact that I had no voice in the decision . . . somewhere inside me I felt once married, that was your chosen partner for life. I was determined to make this work. After all, I reasoned anything had to be better than being under Chris' rule.

Sadly, I am not 100% sure but I think Jeff and I got married on Feb 12th, 1986. I may be 3 days off but I believe that is right. The only thing I am 100% positive of is this, 'I did not want it to be on Feb 14th'.You may ask yourself, "Why did I need to get married so fast?" I have run some things through my head over the years:

1. To ensure I would get married. (If I was allowed to pick a time . . . say . . . after March 6th, I would be 17 and no longer would the state law apply to me.
2. Because of my hateful and insane responses to demands Chris had made on me.
3. To make it look like I WANTED to get married and was not getting married because I was pregnant.
4. The last one, I'll get to here in a minute.

Any way you slice it, I was married the first time right before my 17th birthday. 

So, here I was wed to a guy I'd begged NOT to marry me. I told myself, 'he must think I'm an awesome catch to insist upon marrying me. . . He surely must love me to feel that strongly when it came to being a "real family". . . He was originally going to help me gain my freedom . . . surely he wanted to marry me not to trap me but to show me how much he wanted to be a good father to this baby girl we were going to have.'

I knew from the day I was pregnant that she was going to be a girl. I had been told my first baby would be a girl. I began talking to her by her name right before my birthday. Years ago I had picked out a baby girl name with Danny Joe. I could not use that name. I had to find another one. I decided upon Cassandra prior to quitting school. It took me a little longer to pick out her middle name: Nicole. I decided upon it while living with Jeff's family.

I was wanting a name that would provide her with options regarding what she wanted to be called by her friends. I felt this combination sounded good together and it had some flex to it!

I thought I would continue going to high school. After all, my principal, Dr. Murry had written the state board of education to allow me an exception on how many semesters I needed to get my diploma. You see, I had more than enough credits. I needed to drop an English class and take Psychology in its place and I met all other qualifications. My grades were excellent and my school record was impressive all the way back to the 7th grade. He had given me the good news that I had been accepted at the same time he told me I could not continue my education at Westfield Washington High School. 

I was so confused. He told me he would be happy to look the other way when it came to the violation of where I lived but my step mother was not going to allow that to happen. You see, once married to Jeff, I had moved into the apartment he had found us in Noblesville. We were 7 miles to the East of Westfield. Because I was a Junior, I did not retain the right to go to school where I wanted to. Somehow Chris Glidden knew that.

Dr. Murry, the principal of our High School, truly felt bad. He told me something close to this as he gave me my student file, "Normally this would just be transferred from school to school but you are now considered an adult and there is no cause for me not to give it to you. I think you need to see your file and all that is in it for yourself. You will need it to enroll yourself in Noblesville. You're still in Hamilton County. Our credit system is the same so you will still graduate at the end of the school year. You'll just be graduating from Noblesville High School." He wished me luck. I knew he felt bad about what was happening. Me, I was in a daze as I left the school grounds.

"Why does she hate me so much? What did I ever do to this lady?" I questioned to the Heavens . . . nothing . . . no insight. 

The next day some of Jeff's friends who were still in High School and were actually attending Noblesville High School arrived in the morning as agreed to pick me up. I had my marriage license and my High School Record in hand. I went into the office and asked for the forms to enroll myself. At the time, many of the counselors in this school, mine for example, were also probation officers. "Nice!" I thought sarcastically to myself. I think I might have gotten her because I was actually on probation for running away at this time! 

Our first meeting did not go well. She sat across from me and reviewed my file. She closed it as she tossed my letter from the State Department of Education at me and said, "This may have flown at your other school but you are not going to be graduating at the end of the school year from here. A lot of your credits don't count here." Now if I'd have been allowed to take any fluff classes I could have understood that. The closest I had come to a fluff class in High School would have been typing! I was shocked. She went on to tell me this, "The only way I see you graduating ahead of your class is if you take a couple of summer courses and the first semester of your senior year."

"My baby is due in September!" I balked. I can't possibly do that. She informed me that was not her problem. If I thought I was going to get rewarded for setting a bad example to fellow students I was wrong. Perplexed but wanting to graduate, I asked her if she'd be so kind as to keep the married and pregnant thing on the down low. I told her I didn't want my teachers to judge me because of it. She claimed she could do that much for me.

It was on my way to 5th period that day that I came up behind her as she was informing my next teacher all about me. What she had to say about me could be categorized as sheer gossip. I was angry to say the least. I did not like Noblesville High School at all my first day. I was worried how I was going to manage to graduate . . . I was thinking maybe summer school and the second semester of High School. Maybe I could go half days . . .who would babysit for me while I went to school . . . why was the world out to get me . . . 

Never once did I pray to God at this time of my life. I felt I had been abandoned by Him . . . how could I turn to Him?

As much as I hated school, I went. A degree was important to me. Just as I resolved myself to finishing, Jeff came home with the bad news. Not only had he lost his part time job that night, he had been fired that day from his Full Time job. He informed me we were moving to French Lick, Indiana and moving in with his parents. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I went to school and withdrew myself. I found out about the requirements for taking your GED: Out of school for one year and you had to be 17! No problem . . . I could take it one month prior to my class graduating with diplomas!

I am out of time and must end here. I hope you are enjoying my story and can relate to my life in some way. It is my hope that you see me to the end. As I have mentioned before, It does have a happy ending . . . or perhaps I should say middle as I am not done living quite yet!

Today I pray for all high school drop outs, I pray for all teen moms, I pray for all who are in the midst of a struggle of any kind. May you find your strength in God. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Wendy, Mom of Many

Copyright © 2013 Wendy L Glidden. All Rights Reserved.

Good Morning!

You just never know when inspiration is going to hit you! These last few days have been crazy! Saturday I lost my phone. I was planning on looking at a picture on it to blog on the verse under letter "B". I was beginning to get worried because getting around to my blog the last few days has been difficult. It doesn't really help that I had no pull on my heart regarding titles and what I needed to write next. I know what is stopping me. . . it's me! I am not looking forward to the chapters ahead of me.

Last Sunday, Rusty, who leads us most weeks stated that a believer who was not leaning on God and a non-believer most likely felt the same when facing troubled waters. He is right. I know this as truth. When you don't lean on God and turn to him in times of trouble you can travel a long way down the road to Hell before realizing fully what is going on. You are, in all honesty, traveling without sufficient light!

So here I was this morning, again avoiding my duties. Rationalizing to myself that I don't have the next chapter title completely worked out even though I have heard a few good ones for the upcoming years. I know in my heart all that is needed is for me to sit still and pray on it. My fear of facing more sadness and shames from my past are what is stopping me. Today I will be getting to it. I feel it. I also have some catching up to do when it comes to my Alphabet verses.

But first, back to what I was doing this morning: I was scrolling down my face book wall when I saw a post from a lovely lady I have met online and it just said, "Good morning."

Next thing I knew I had commented under her post:

"Good Morning, good morning

What a lovely day!

Thank you God, I Love my life!

are the first words one should say!

Good Morning, good morning

all my lovely friends

Praising and thanking God

Is the way that my day ends!"

As soon as it was out of me, I knew what time it was. You can fear what is to come all you want but when God calls you back home to do his work, his work will flow out of you no matter how hard you resist! I am sitting here smiling to myself. I don't know why it is so hard to face awful truths about ones self . . . it just is. The truths I have to face in depth, covering the next 7 years of my life, are something I have longed keep hidden. Some truths I have been so shamed by I even kept them hidden from my medical files!

None the less, I sit here with a smile on my face for I know God will hold my hand through this just like he has through the other rough spots.

As far as this blog goes though, we are on letter "B" and the verse under it comes from the Book Ephesians, Chapter 4, Verse 32: Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another.

Now in my Holy Bible (New Living Translation, second edition) I am going to take in verse 31 as well for I think it gives a broader picture of what we were advised:

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words and slander as well as all types of evil behavior. 

Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,

 just as God through Christ has forgiven you."

I read that and I think to myself, "IF our children were taught things like this in school . . . honestly . . . what parent would have a problem with it?"

We know that teaching what is in the Holy Bible will not happen in our classrooms. It is one of the reasons many parents home school. Regardless, what is stopping you from teaching yourself and then teaching these valuable lessons to your own children? I myself don't care for "Religion". If you honestly look at the story of Jesus and how he died you KNOW it was Religious leaders that called for his death. I think Jesus and Our Father are in total agreement with anyone who dislikes religion being shoved down their throat.

Reading the Holy Bible does NOT make a person Religious . . . However, chances are it will make you a believer! I'm hear to reassure you that that is a GOOD thing. Hence the phrase, "Spreading the GOOD news!" 

Today, I encourage you to open up your Holy Bible and check out Ephesians. We did a study on it in a small group I attend on Thursday nights. Following the lessons in this Book challenged me greatly last spring when it came to how to deal with a certain person who . . . well . . . was difficult to deal with. In other words, reading and studying this Book made me a Better person. I call that a Good thing!

My prayer for you today is simply this: Today I pray that my stories / blogs help give you another view of God's word. I pray that I spark an interest and cause you to dive into the Holy Bible with an open mind. I encourage you to seek out others who are Not religious but are Believers. Amen.

If you need help with that, drop me a line! Nothing would give me greater pleasure than helping others find their way to Faith, Hope and Love! 

Wendy, Mom of Many


Copyright © 2013 [Wendy L Glidden] All Rights Reserved.

Insights From King Solomon (The first Author of Steamy Romance!)

If you've ever been a reader of romance novels or subjects regarding wisdom and insight, you will simply fall in love with King Solomon. I can't read Proverbs without grinning at some of his insights. I have literally caught myself chuckling out loud while reading his words. I don't know why I ever thought the bible would be hard to read. It is by far the most fascinating book I have ever held in my hands!

Anyway, I have this picture on my wall . . . I want to take it in to a friend of mine and have her make me copies. I found it in a Goodwill a year ago and it hangs above my desk. It is the Alphabet and under each letter is a verse out of the Holy Bible.

I decided today it would be fun to read the entire Chapter of one letter's referenced verse each day beginning today. Under the Letter "A" it references the Book of Proverbs, Chapter 25 Verse 11:

"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver"

Very poetic don't you think? I love Poetry. I think I could get lost in Proverbs and Psalms.

 

 



For example, I didn't stop reading when I came to the end of chapter 25. I continued on through the entire 26th Chapter as well. Wow! What an intriguing character of a man King Solomon was! I myself cannot wait to talk to him. Wouldn't you love to have a friend to hang out with that talked like this*:

 

Honor is no more associated with fools

than snow with summer or rain with harvest.

 

Like a fluttering sparrow or a darting swallow,

an undeserved curse will not land on its intended victim.

 

Guide a horse with a whip, a donkey with a bridle

and a fool with a rod to his back!

 

Don't answer the foolish arguments of fools

or you will become as foolish as they are

 

Be sure to answer the foolish arguments of fools

or they will become wise in their own estimation.

 

Trusting a fool to convey a message

is like cutting off one's feet or drinking poison!

 

A proverb in the mouth of a fool

is as useless as a paralyzed leg.

 

Honoring a fool

is as foolish as tying a stone to a slingshot.

 

A proverb in the mouth of a fool

is like a thorny branch brandished by a drunk.

 

An employer who hires a fool or a bystander

is like an archer who shoots at random.

 

As a dog returns to his vomit

so a fool repeats his foolishness.

 

There is more hope for fools

than for people who think they are wise.

 

The lazy person claims, "There's a lion on the road!

Yes, I'm sure there's a lion out there!"

 

As a door swings back and forth on it's hinges

so the lazy person turns over in bed.

 

Lazy people take food in their hand

but don't even lift it to their mouth.

 

Lazy people consider themselves smarter

than seven wise counselors.

 

Interfering in someone else's argument

is as foolish as yanking a dog's ears.

 

Just as damaging as a madman shooting a deadly weapon

is someone who lies to a friend and then says, "I was only joking."

 

Fire goes out without wood

and quarrels disappear when gossip stops.

 

A quarrelsome person starts fights

as easily as hot embers light charcoal or fire lights wood.

 

Rumors are dainty morsels

that sink deep into one's heart.

 

Smooth* words may hide a wicked heart

just as pretty glaze covers a clay pot

 

People may cover their hatred with pleasant words but they are deceiving you.

They pretend to be kind but don't believe them. Their hearts are full of many evils.*

 

While their hatred may be concealed by trickery,

their wrongdoing will be exposed in public.

 

If you set a trap for others, you will get caught in it yourself.

If you roll a boulder down on others, it will crush you instead.

 

A lying tongue hates its victims

and flattering words cause ruin.

 

 

I don't know about you but for me, if I had followed a lot of this advice, I might have saved myself some hassle over the years!

 

It is my hope that I have helped you to see that the Holy Bible is in essence your handbook for survival. Every problem . . . every issue at hand . . . there is advice from your Heavenly Father on the subject.

 

I found it chilling that King Solomon stated that lying to loved ones is just as damaging as a madman shooting a deadly weapon. Sadly we all know too well what that vision looks like. The Holy Bible takes that example to illustrate the harm caused by lying. Makes ones heart almost burst as it flashes over lies told in one's past. The tidbit on Rumors . . . who has not felt the repercussion of a rumor someone has said about them? We know in our hearts these actions cause harm for who among us has not been harmed by them? This is why Love is so powerful. If you do all things from the standpoint of Love you cause no harm. Is there a better way to live? I am thinking if we shared these insights with our children perhaps we could have a positive impact on countless lives.

 

I know many view the Holy Bible as a Religious Book because many Religions use it to preach. What the Holy Bible really represents is God's Love and Wisdom. His Grace and His Glory. It holds the road map to Peace and Joy. It is a vital part of your spiritual armor. Can you really say you have never felt the presence of evil? If in your heart you KNOW evil exists aren't you the slightest bit interested in how God can help you overcome it?

 

It is my prayer today that more of us begin to pick up our Holy Bibles and do a little investigation work ourselves when it comes to God's Word.

 

Many Blessings will be bestowed on those who take the time to do so.

 

Much Love,

 

Wendy, Mom of Many 

 

* This is taken word for word out of my bible which is a New Living Translation second edition. It is Proverbs 26 in its entirety.
 

** Smooth is also called Burning
 

*** Evils is also called 7 evils

 

 

 

Thankful Thursday

When I was in my twenties and again working at Glidden Fence, Chris enrolled me in a shorthand course. The gist was, if I could write as fast as she could talk, she could dictate her letters to me without missing a beat!

I have this crazy thing in me that causes me to race myself when it comes to things that are more impressive or fun at faster rates.

I didn't just take the course, I practiced by means of music. I would write down the lyrics to songs playing on the radio. It was not the first time I'd done something like this. In typing class our teacher had stated that it was impossible to carry on a conversation and type what you were reading without transfering to typing what you are saying. Again . . . I take something like that as a challenge and I love the feeling of accomplishing what I have been told I can't. Is that weird? Today I can carry on a conversation, type anything . . . even if it is a letter I am writing from thought and not sight. Just the other day I was typing one of these blogs and my Uncle came up to me and we began discussing a job. He stopped mid conversation and said, "Oh you think you are so cool not looking at the computer typing and talking to me." We both laughed.

Regardless that talent has come in handy over the years. Sometimes this faucet is turned on inside of me while I am driving and I will get it out on paper before it escapes my mind . . . you see it's what I hear but it comes from within me . . . it is not me . . . it is through me and it comes fast. When I was in school I wrote daily. My emotions boiled out in Rhyme. It was a healthy way of working through my emotions and thoughts.

So I was on my way to work and I was smiling and chatting with my Heavenly Father and just praising how blessed my life has been. How Thankful I am. How Joyous I am.

In the midst of my praise, Gbam, here came words in rhyme . . . I blindly found my pen . . . grabbed a stapled group of papers out of my folder of past writings. Funny enough, when I went back into my room this morning to grab my coat and keys, I was told to grab it. I went so far as to ask myself why I was bringing it as I had no intention of posting anything out of it today and I heard "Take it." I shrugged to myself and listened to the directions I was given. I am getting much better at this listening thing!

Anyway, here I was on my way to work and four minutes down the road, in the midst of my praise, the first verse rang out in my head . . . I knew what time it was. I blindly grabbed a pen out of the middle console and a packet of paper out of my folder and began writing in shorthand. I don't need to look down at the paper to keep my words in order because this I too practiced. Blind penmanship! (God is a good teacher . . . he has primed me for all of this my whole life. That fact is undeniable! So much so, I can't help laughing about it. He taught me through challenges. He filled me with the desire to achieve beyond the barriers that others have placed in front of me. Doesn't it just make you want to throw your arms around him?) These are the insights he shared with me this morning about myself and it made me want to hug Him. Here is what I heard this morning:

Our Father is Good

He's so so Good

I'd run up and hug him

If I could

Oh yes yes yes I would

I'm

Compelled to lift my hands

Palms Up in the air

It's undeniable Father

How much You truly care

Praises I sing to You

Thank You I Joyously shout

Loving others as you love us

That's what this life's about

For me there is No doubt

So,

I lift my head and I grin real big

I thank Him from my heart

Praising & Singing to Our Father in Heaven

Is the best way for all to start!

If you have never once in your life sat and reflected on things or even attempted to see your life from the lens of Love, I encourage you to find a pair of glasses that will give you this viewpoint.

From The Gospel of John, Chapter 10 verse 10 we are told: The thief comes, to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Abundance comes in various forms. Many associate it with money. If that is Your belief, My heart bleeds for you.

Abundance in it's most wonderful forms comes as peace (stemming from Faith) Joy (held strong by Hope) and Love.

From The Book, Corinthians, Chapter 13 verse 13: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

With these things being said, I don't know what you think you know about God and whether or not he exists.

However, if you are like me, you love a good challenge.

My Challenge to You is This: "Investigate his word with YOUR OWN Eyes. Don't rely on being spoon fed by others. Don't just listen to someone else when it comes to YOUR learning about God and His Word. Check it out for YOURSELF.

I warn you though, when you start down this road, there will be no denying The Truth.

Any person who has set out to disprove God Exists, whether they be scientists or atheists, has come to the undeniable Truth: Our Almighty Creator is not some fantasy whim that the weakest of us rely upon.

He is Our Heavenly Father. He is Our Creator. He gave us all the tools we need to live the best human life possible in the heart of a Fallen World. Why on Earth would you ignore His advice without so much as an honest investigation into His Loving Fatherly advice?

It is my prayer for you today that you begin to open your heart to the possibility that God Exists and more amazing that He Loves YOU regardless of any wrongs you have committed.

Many Blessings to those who take me up on this task,

Wendy, Mom of Many



Copyright © 2013 [ Wendy L Glidden ] All Rights Reserved.



A Shotgun Wedding

This chapter is a continuation from "My Scarlet Letter".

That summer I developed a crush on a guy named Jim and another guy named Jeff was interested in me. I have never verified this but I was told by a mutual friend that he was paid $50 to do and say what he did and said to both Jim and me.

I worked drive thru mostly. I was a runner and cashier. It did not matter who I was teamed up with, all of my teams had the best times. Yes, I think this counts as gloating! Anyway, my favorite team was Jimmy and I. There was electricity that flowed between him and I that was undeniable.

I imagine that is why Jeff devised the plan he did. Jeff had this dream of being in a rock and roll band and I always wanted to be a writer. Anyone who knew me for any length of time knew that about me. I was always writing. Poetry. Short stories. It didn't matter really. At home both Chris and Dad had made comments about how I was only going to amount to a girl who sat in a corner and wrote. I would do creative writing assignments for fellow classmates just for the challenge it provided me. Sick isn't it? Who desires more homework? Me! That's who. Anyway, I had offered to write some songs for him and his band. I guess Jeff liked me and wanted to take out the competition because according to our mutual friend Rick he had lied to me about Jim after being paid $50 by Jeff to do his evil deed. (This I found out later in life when Rick and I reconnected for a moment a few years down the road)

So the story goes. Jim had kissed me in the cooler the night before. It was amazing. The next day I was informed by Rick that Jim felt like I was throwing myself at him and he really wasn't interested in me. I was told he wished I'd stop flirting with him because he had a girlfriend in Noblesville. I was devastated. I decided to put up a wall of ice towards Jim that he never saw coming. When he went to Rick (our mutual friend) to inquire if he knew what was going on with me, Rick told him that I was not interested in him and felt pressured and wished he'd stop flirting with me. I was already in my "no attention" zone so Jim took his words as truth just as I had.

With Jimmy firmly out of the way, Jeff invited me over to his place to work on some of the lyrics "with the band" that I still had not met. When I arrived there it was just Jeff. He was 4 years older than me and quite seductive I must admit. While not yet resolved to sleeping with him, I began hanging out with Jeff more and more. I never did meet the rest of his band . . .

The summer was closing in on the start of school and I had discovered that my step-mother had gone to visit her sister in Kansas and would be gone for two weeks. She had always gotten in the way of my having a decent relationship with my father. All the way back to my early childhood . . . somewhere between 6 & 8 while visiting on a summer day, I suggested that an ice cream cone sure would help cool things off. Chris informed my father that I was attempting to "wrap him around my little finger and trick him into doing things for me and I must be stopped." This was done within earshot. All my life Chris mandated how close my relationship was with my father. With her gone I thought this would be my last chance to spend some honest quality time with my father without interference. I discussed this with my mom as I decided going back a week prior to school was what I wanted to do. The same day I went back Chris came back too. She had had a falling out with her sister.

Another school in Zionsville offered this "bring a friend to school day" on their first day. A friend of mine (Shelly) went to school there and she had invited me to go to with her for the first day in school. This was my junior year and the gist was back then when you were in your senior year you could decide where you wanted to go to school if you paid to go outside your zone. I was such a radical kid back then . . . I didn't smoke, I didn't do drugs, I didn't drink. I wasn't even participating in any sexual relationship . . . yet. I wanted to spend my day off work at a school! Whew! What a wild child I was.

When I approached my father with what I intended to do he told me no. Being more open mouthed after a summer with my mother, I questioned his decision. He told me I couldn't go because he did not know this friend. I suggested that while he may "know my friends" he didn't really know them and maybe he could just have a little faith in me. Things got a little hot and he asked me, "Why did you even bother to come back?" I looked at him and said, "To be honest I was told Chris was in Kansas and I was hoping to have some time with you without her." He called me a liar. I said, "You don't F*****g believe me, I'll call mom and you can ask her!" and I stomped to the phone. I grabbed it and marched to the table as he said, "What did you just say to me?" Being allowed to cuss openly over the summer had just got my rear in hot water. I knew what I'd said but I stated the following, "If you don't believe me, I'll call mom and you can ask her." It was too late. What happened next was far from pretty. He pushed me into a chair so hard I went head over heals right out of it. Before I had my bearings he was yanking me back onto my feet. I stared intently at the floor. He demanded that I look at him and being me I had to push it. "I refuse to look a maniac in the eyes." I replied. Again . . . not the wisest thing to say. Things went from bad to worse and as he tried pulling me down stairs out of view and earshot of my younger sister, Cady. Chris gave Tommy, my brother, instructions to bar Cady in her room and she walked around the corner as calmly as one could and said, "Okay that's enough, let's go downstairs and discuss this." No sooner than we got down the steps here came Cady. She was very upset and she demanded to know why my father was beating me up. He assured her he had not been beating me up . . . he explained that we were only dancing the way that the French people do. My baby sister is and was no fool. She is now in the profession of helping families with issues.

From that moment I welcomed my destiny and I went to Jeff and gave myself to him. As a matter of fact, I sought out Jeff every morning before school. I was confused after two months of this that I had not conceived my first child. I began thinking perhaps my destiny had been cancelled due to my outright spiting God and being angry with him over the last couple of years. I decided perhaps my life was my life after all and I needed a change. While discussing this with Jeff he informed me that he had  connections with someone who could give me a whole new identity. It would cost me $1000 but with that I could buy all I needed to become someone else. I began budgeting and saving more and figured I'd have that saved up before the end of November. We planned for me to make my final escape come Jan 6th. 1986.

You know what they say about the best laid plans . . .

Prior to Thanksgiving I came down with my annual tonsillitis. This time things had gotten really dangerous. Chris believed if my body was forced to fight off the illness without medicine it would become stronger. Unfortunately, I ended up running a dangerously high fever on the third day of being shut in my room. Chris had come down to check on me, as the story is told by Donna's father who she ran into at Westfield Pharmacy picking up my prescription. He told me she'd said, "Wendy was out of it so I slid the thermometer into her mouth." According to the story I sat up and spit the thermometer out and began yelling, "Turn the Page".' I had fallen out reading 'That was Then, This is Now' by S.E. Hinton. My fever in seconds had registered 105 and Chris who weighed maybe 115lbs at the time dragged me up a flight of stairs, got me in the car and drove an hour to her doctor in Tipton with the windows down. When we got there her doctor was off and I was seen by an alternate. I have never heard a doctor tear into an adult the way he tore into Chris. He threatened not only her but to also have her doctor pulled in front of the medical board if my tonsils were not removed. I got a shot of penicillin in my butt and my surgery was scheduled to take place right before Thanksgiving.

This slowed down my ability to stash money a little but it had not stopped me. I had the money required and was now working on funds to carry me until I found a job under my new identity.

Much to my dismay, my father and I ended up in another spat. This time in the car and over my clarinet. When he went to backhand me, I managed to get out of the way. My poor sister, who was in the middle, ended up getting my punishment for my smart mouth. I was horrified. That night I resolved to leave sooner than planned. I confided this in a notebook that Donna and I passed back and forth between classes. Somehow my plans to leave were shared with the new school counselor and she called me out of class into her office. I managed to convince her that I had no plans to leave. I explained to her that this journal was simply my way of venting. I told her I was under an immense amount of stress and had developed a bleeding ulcer. I begged her not to call my parents that day but to allow me to come back to school in the 5th period the next day with my real mother and with her there I would be open to a "family" meeting. I told her if she called today my parents would keep me from this doctor appointment to have me and my bleeding ulcer looked at. Lies. Complete lies. If Chris had gotten her hands on my journal, I'd have been hosed. That was the real truth. I told Donna I was leaving in the morning and she, for some odd reason, decided she wanted to go with me. I told her I'd be going over to the apartments Jeff had lived at and trying to catch a ride to catch another ride to French Lick. I was going to find Jeff and move ahead with my plan of purchasing a new identity. This was December 9th . . . almost a month ahead of schedule but I had more than enough money stashed to jump.

That night I took down my poems and journal that now spanned 3 of the 4 walls in my room from ceiling to 3' above the floor. I left one sign I'd made that stated, "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone" as well as a poem that started out "Children and Parents, A match made in hell. When I escape, Things will be well." During the current school year, Chris had ransacked my room often so I put my diary on the wall. I knew she never even looked at what I had put up or we'd have had a talk. She did however stumble upon a decoy letter I'd left in my sock drawer one day. It was a prank letter. I started it out as if it were meant for a friend and just as it was getting juicy you had to turn the note over 1/2 way into the 2nd line my sentence changed to "Hey Chris! I hope you enjoyed this story. I ran out of time to finish!" I came home to my door off the hinges and I was grounded for a week. Well worth the price is how I viewed my punishment. I was being punished for creative writing in all honesty. She was mad about my pure evilness. As far as I was concerned, I had proven that she was indeed snooping in my room! She claimed she thought I'd somehow taken some of my sister's socks as the reason for finding the note. That in itself was hilarious to me as I had been doing my own laundry for the last couple of years! She and I both knew Cady's socks were not in my room.

I informed my brother that I was skipping school that next morning. I felt bad about leaving him without telling him what I was really doing but I couldn't risk him knowing my plan. I knew if he knew they'd know he was holding back information. I reasoned if he knew nothing he'd have nothing to hide. I heard later that he went through a lot of questioning as they were sure he knew something even though he did not.

When I arrived in French Lick I found Jeff's sister Kim but Jeff was not around at the time. He had actually gone back to Westfield for some reason. He showed up on my parent's doorstep looking for me and was informed I had run away. He was honestly surprised at the turn of events as we'd been out of contact since late October. The last he knew the plan was still the plan.

He showed back up in French Lick after I'd been there for 4 days already. The heat was amping in the search for Donna and I  . . . to this day I'm not sure why she came with me but she did. Jeff decided it would be best for us to hide out at his parents farm house for the time being. He was being so sweet and protective over me. He cooked us dinner on the burning stove and I caved in on sleeping with him that night. The next night, lights panned in the drive and Jeff ushered Donna and I up into the attic. We hid there while the local Sheriff asked some questions and looked around a little. We were not discovered. They had informed Jeff that Donna's boyfriend had been arrested for withholding information and if they saw us we needed to know this. The only way he was going to be released was if we both returned.

After a VERY long discussion it was decided that we would go back. Jeff did not want to be caught with us so in a gist we had him drop us off and Donna called her dad and he came and agreed to take me to my mother's house. I don't know why I thought my mother would protect me. I wasn't in her house for 15 minutes when she informed me my father was on his way to come get me. I jumped up grabbed my back pack and ran in my old room. I got in the closet and hid all my writings in the attic. After they were safely stashed I came back out, sat down, and waited for my fate.

My father drove me straight to the police station in Westfield and demanded that "Justice be Served". Running away is against the law. He left me there. The detective / policeman ( back then Westfield had like two police cars ) was curious as to how I had escaped. He said, "We had dead end tips from everywhere but seriously . . . you vanished into thin air. How did you pull it off?" I was not talking. I knew if they had an inkling of anyone who may have helped us they would be pressing charges on them. I was not going to be a part of punishing those who had only tried to help me with my scheme. Realizing he was not going to get anywhere he drove me over to Hamilton County Jail. Even though I was a juvenile they had no room so I was being taken to the main jail and would be safely locked in solitary confinement. I will say this, being booked was an awful experience. I was strip searched, de-liced and completely humiliated. As I've been told by various people in law enforcement all of this was necessary. In response to that claim, I state the following: "I don't have to live with how many of these "officers of the law" uphold the laws when it comes to themselves . . . that is their cross to carry. I only know this, they instilled in me a fear of them that runs all the way to my core." Many of the arresting officers inside the jail itself seemed to relish in their "duties".

On my way to being escorted to court, I was informed by the officer taking me that I was only supposed to serve one day in Hamilton County but since my friend's parents had refused to turn her over, I'd served a day for her as well as a day for myself. I'm not sure what he had to gain from that comment. Regardless, the elevator opened and there was my father on a bench and on the other side of the room was Donna with her parents. I was brought over to my father and I sat down on the bench beside him. He said, "Part of me is proud that you have a spine and seem to show no fear here . . . the other part of me wishes you were more like her." He motioned over to Donna who was currently puking due to the stress of going to court.

When we were called into the room, I had asked to be released into my mother's care and was denied. I was being released to my father and step mother. It was now December 20th. By Christmas I knew I was pregnant. I could not believe it. Here I'd tried to push that destiny for two straight months and nothing. Yet, when I ran away, I ended up conceiving. I decided life was ironic. I hadn't said anything about being pregnant yet. Chris informed me I was being taken to her doctor to be put on birth control. Still I said nothing. When she took me there I was taken back and her doctor began telling me about birth control options. I looked up at him and said, "Shouldn't you perform a pregnancy test before you prescribe me birth control?" He stared at me and asked if I thought I needed one. I shook my head yes. Sure enough the test was positive and I was taken into another room. He began informing me that it would be in this baby's best interest not to be born. I was shocked. I hit him with two barrels of "How is this upholding the view of 'Saving Lives' and your Hippocratic oath?" We argued for a moment about the beginning of "life" and he finally asked me, "Do you want me to give her the news or will you do it?" I informed him with an hour ride ahead of me I'd prefer to spill the beans myself. He told me to get dressed and he'd meet me out in the hall. When I left the room he was standing with Chris. So much for doctor patient confidentiality. The beans had been spilled.

A family meeting was called and my fate had been sealed. I would marry Jeff. I felt like I'd been thrown into the dark ages. While defiant as hell when it came to Chris and her demands. . .  such as when she informed me I was going to have to burn Jeff's letter jacket. I told her something like, "If you insist on me having no respect for other's things you may get more than your bargain for. I'll burn down your house before I'll burn his jacket." Yes. Defiant is a good way to state how I was reacting at this stage of my life. When I was told I had to get married, I flipped out. I begged to be thrown out on my own and disowned. Chris informed me it was marriage or abortion and seeing how I wasn't 17 yet, they'd march me down the aisle or I could be tied down to a bed and have my baby ripped out of me. Dead panned I looked at her and said, "You kill my baby, I kill yours." Horrible. I know. I wince at it myself. Like I said, DEFIANT to the end.

The day following my threat, I was driven to the court house and my father signed the license for me to be married. I was only allowed two 15 minute calls each day and during one of these calls I begged Jeff to find a fake preacher. I told him, "My parents aren't going to check the credentials. I will live with you but please I don't want to marry you."

I don't know why Jeff thought it would be in his best interest to force me to say vows I didn't long to say but he did. Knowing in my heart that once married, divorce was frowned down upon, I decided that this must be the beginning of my new life and I cried my way down the aisle and faced my fate like the trooper I had become!

This has been a long chapter I know. As you have read, I was not the smartest when it came to dealing with how my parents felt about me and how I was living my life. Unwise decision after unwise decision without input from God had taken me from the frying pan to the skillet so to say. In the years to come you will witness again and again how far one can go on the road to hell. . . at times in my life you'd almost believe I was on a race to see who could get there first!

Today I pray that before you react to some event in your life, you take the time to pray on it. Sit still for a moment or two. Blessings to all who try,

Wendy, Mom of Many